DDAY happened

[Lillyp32]

After having an awful day on Friday, I've been feeling pretty good. I had bad moments over the weekend but bad moments are so much better than bad days.

Today I am currently 18 days NC. Those dreams about exMM (or maybe I should call them nightmares) haven't come and I've been sleeping better. During my A I used an app for my emails. Whenever I'd hear the notification sound I'd get a happy feeling that's hard to describe because I knew it would be him. Well on dday I deleted that app and just let my emails go directly to my phone. I didn't want to hear that sound anymore. Friends and family have apps that make that same notification sound. I still got that weird happy feeling whenever I heard it after dday, it was always quickly followed by sadness because I knew that wasn't my phone, that it wasn't exMM. That sound hasn't affected me all weekend. As stupid as it may sound, I'm going to go ahead and call that progress

 

I'm starting to get to a point where I'm not looking in the email hoping to hear from him. A part of me wanted to hear from him just to ease the pain a bit. Just to know that I didnt fall in love with someone who just used me. That I didn't put so much of myself into someone who never cared. I've been reading so much on here. It's almost become obsessive. There are so many threads asking how the MM actually feel. If they really care. Did they ever really love OW? I've just come to the conclusion that for every MM it's different. I'm trying to stop asking myself those same questions. I guess it's because I'll never really know how he felt about me. He is the only one that can ever give me an answer to that question and I'm sure as hell not going to ask him lol. I do love him. I do miss him. Even though my days have been getting better he's still always in my thoughts one way or another. All I've got left to do is let go. Completely and totally let go. I've got to find away to forgive myself for the pain I caused my family and his. I'm going to work hard on both.

 

I saw a quote this weekend that spoke to me. I thought I'd share it with you fine people

 

"Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need; to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you and to help you grow into the person you are meant to be" I'm trying to now look at exMM and someone just passing through to help me grow. I'm trying to look at my husband the same way. They both have taught me a lot about myself. They've both taught me some very hard life lessons. I'm sure after all the pain and healing is done, I will be a better person in the end.

 

Im not sure what the point of this post is. I know it's all over the place. It just feels good to feel ok. I know healing is a process and I'll probably be back to crying my eyes out again at some point. In the meantime, I'm going to cling to these good days because these are the days that give me hope. I think we all need a little hope

[Cyra]

Im so glad for you that you are feeling better.

That is how it happens, you will stop expecting an email from him, you will stop jumping like a Pavlov's dog at the noise your app used to make (been there done it!), you will realize you have not thought about him for a few hours, then for a few days, and soon he will be just a memory that will visit occasionally but you wont burst into tears when it does.

 

You will also see the positive sides, the lucky escape you had, the freedom that you have now to make your life whatever you want it to be. You will no longer settle for unhappiness or someone's crumbs and you will explore ways how to find happiness within yourself.

If you make your life better and yourself happier in the aftermath of this, you will see that this was an invaluable lesson to you to show you what you needed and you will no longer look back with anger and pain.

[Lillyp32]

Im so glad for you that you are feeling better.

That is how it happens, you will stop expecting an email from him, you will stop jumping like a Pavlov's dog at the noise your app used to make (been there done it!), you will realize you have not thought about him for a few hours, then for a few days, and soon he will be just a memory that will visit occasionally but you wont burst into tears when it does.

 

You will also see the positive sides, the lucky escape you had, the freedom that you have now to make your life whatever you want it to be. You will no longer settle for unhappiness or someone's crumbs and you will explore ways how to find happiness within yourself.

If you make your life better and yourself happier in the aftermath of this, you will see that this was an invaluable lesson to you to show you what you needed and you will no longer look back with anger and pain.

 

This made me smile Thank you so much for all he positivity. I need it more of that in my life right now!

 

How have you been holding up?

[Cyra]

This made me smile Thank you so much for all he positivity. I need it more of that in my life right now!

 

How have you been holding up?

 

Im Ok, thank you. Just getting through one day at a time. It is getting easier though. I no longer expect him to call or text and I dont obsess about imaginary scenarios anymore. I dont want to see him or talk to him ever again.

I dont hate him, but I no longer love him, I feel indifferent to him and his existence.

 

How are you feeling today?

[Lillyp32]

Im Ok, thank you. Just getting through one day at a time. It is getting easier though. I no longer expect him to call or text and I dont obsess about imaginary scenarios anymore. I dont want to see him or talk to him ever again.

I dont hate him, but I no longer love him, I feel indifferent to him and his existence.

 

How are you feeling today?

 

I'm happy to hear you're doing ok! It sounds like you're in a good place right now.

 

I'm doing pretty good today I haven't hit indifference yet. I still feel love for him but I think I've sorta let him go. Progress! I'm feeling more like myself which is great! I almost feel free now that I'm out of the A and seperated. My husband has been giving me a hard time lately though. That's sorta wearing on me a bit. He doesn't want a divorce or the separation. He's making me feel guilty for having an LTA and then when a dday happened wanting to leave. He's saying I'm "running" from problems which isn't true. I've been helping him and answering all his question about my A. I just don't want to be married anymore. I don't want to go back to that life. It was terrible for me. I'm not sure how to make him understand or how to shake the guilt he's made me feel.

[Cyra]

I'm happy to hear you're doing ok! It sounds like you're in a good place right now.

 

I'm doing pretty good today I haven't hit indifference yet. I still feel love for him but I think I've sorta let him go. Progress! I'm feeling more like myself which is great! I almost feel free now that I'm out of the A and seperated. My husband has been giving me a hard time lately though. That's sorta wearing on me a bit. He doesn't want a divorce or the separation. He's making me feel guilty for having an LTA and then when a dday happened wanting to leave. He's saying I'm "running" from problems which isn't true. I've been helping him and answering all his question about my A. I just don't want to be married anymore. I don't want to go back to that life. It was terrible for me. I'm not sure how to make him understand or how to shake the guilt he's made me feel.

 

It sometimes takes something drastic to happen for us to wake up and realize that we dont want to live like that anymore.

 

Now that I am out of the A and my mind has cleared up I can see that overall it was horrible. Sure there were nice times which I hung on to and I ignored everything bad. But overall I ended up an emotional and mental mess at the end of it over a man who didnt give a damn about me when it came down to it. So it made me realize I have to make changes within myself and I can see those clearly now, whereas before I was looking for escape somewhere else.

 

It seems like in your case it also happened, it made you realize you dont want to be married anymore. Same happened to me, I realized I did not want to be with my partner anymore and all the reasons why I was unhappy but wasnt addressing properly. Sometimes in life we get super complacent and we need the proverbial kick up the a$$ to change our life for the better.

 

Sorry he is giving you a hard time. I know it is horrible, when they try to emotionally blackmail you, guilt you into giving them another chance etc. You have to stay strong and if being with your husband truly is not what you want, then just keep repeating it firmly until it sinks it. He cannot force you or manipulate you into it.

 

I feel the same way, the freedom to explore who I am on my own is really exciting and full of possibilities. I no longer want to settle for what doesnt make me happy, or chase some illusion that I fabricated in my mind in order to escape.

[Babsinhealing]

Lilly- I don't post much on here anymore but I still feel drawn to read the posts occasionally. Occasionally someone grabs at my heart and I just want to hug them and tell them it will be ok... this time it's you!

 

So many of us can relate to what you are feeling and experiencing- and for those of us that can recall similar feelings and emotions- we can only empathize. I found such comfort in knowing that other people could truly understand what I was experiencing- especially the obsessive thoughts, crying, pining, wanting him to be happy but wishing it was with me. This site helped me tremendously during my rollercoaster A and as a result I made some wonderful friends. So keep posting!

 

I know it seems so impossible that a MM can just simply appear to be so callous, cold and mean post DD and NC letters bite to your very core but I realized by the help of so many on this site (from both MM like Jenkins and BS) and in my own personal experience with my MM that it's often not as simple and concrete as it seems. I experienced 2 DD with my MM and the second was a doozy (NC letter and all) but everything was done from his end to calm and clear the smoke from the atomic bomb that just went off in his M. Both of us had no intentions of ending our A and it's still stronger than ever (which is why I stopped posting- the support stopped after that was unveiled and I was sick of the bashing) but ultimately, it's my life - just like this is yours. You need to do what's best for YOU. Advice, opinions and support are great to give you different perspectives but ultimately it's your life. You sound very strong and determined but don't be surprised the first time he reaches out - just be prepared. I firmly but kindly ended my (almost 2 year) A after DD #2 and had no plans of breaking NC but let me tell you- you think you know what you will do if he reaches out but nothing really prepares you. Just develop a plan but understand it's not easy to just ignore someone you care for so deeply.

 

I really wish you the best Lilly and please keep posting - there is tremendous support here minus the few lurkers that have never been an OW/MM/BS but insist on lecturing or degrading you. Pay no mind- many of us just want to support you, hug you and say "time will heal" and my personal favorite "this too shall pass". (Hugs)

Edited October 19, 2016 by Babsinhealing

[m4p]

I agree. It's funny how we remember the dates. On 12/20, I still have the texts saying how deeply he has fallen for me and how he would leave, loves me so much. 12/22, Dday and ignored till 2 weeks later and he cannot speak to me anymore. He needs to work on his marriage and so do I.

 

I don't feel anything typing that but at the time, well I couldn't decide between drowning, pills or a razor blade. Time heals all wounds though. It really does.

 

Wow, I didn't realise I can remember the dates perfectly too.

 

Dday on 13/02/15 night. It was the day before Valentine's day and he had a family dinner with in-laws. I had a super bad feeling right after 9pm when I haven't heard from him. Couldn't sleep, right on cue, I got a text and phone call at 2am saying things are okay and not to worry.

 

15/02/15 He called to end it, him crying, me crying. Hours later I joined LS. The rest is literally (search) history, all laid out here.

 

The months to followed was mild push-pull, some LC.. until I steeled myself and cut it off once and for all.

 

I don't think I have really healed completely. I can be brave and say that I am fine (I really am). But at the same time I cannot undo how the whole odeal has changed me. Would I go back to him? Never. Would I turn back time to make this all not happen in the first place? A tiny part of me says I might be willing to endure all this all over again even if I know how it ends. You love and you have heartbreaks but I think to have ever felt that love was a blessing on its own.

 

Have I really learnt anything? Of course I did. I learnt that (most) MMs have a separate heart and mind, that they truly might have loved you, but they will still stay. They might have hurt and thought a future with you but they will still stay.

 

They will stay and the only good thing you can do is to pick yourself up and live with your head up because from now on you are no longer participating in a deceit.

 

It will hurt now and it will hurt for a while more. But I promise you will come off this much stronger and better if you promise to love yourself and go on NC. The sooner you NC, the faster you'll heal. You'll be weak sometimes and the memories makes you cry, let it be, grief and you'll feel better each time.

 

Big hugs.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly- I don't post much on here anymore but I still feel drawn to read the posts occasionally. Occasionally someone grabs at my heart and I just want to hug them and tell them it will be ok... this time it's you!

 

So many of us can relate to what you are feeling and experiencing- and for those of us that can recall similar feelings and emotions- we can only empathize. I found such comfort in knowing that other people could truly understand what I was experiencing- especially the obsessive thoughts, crying, pining, wanting him to be happy but wishing it was with me. This site helped me tremendously during my rollercoaster A and as a result I made some wonderful friends. So keep posting!

 

I know it seems so impossible that a MM can just simply appear to be so callous, cold and mean post DD and NC letters bite to your very core but I realized by the help of so many on this site (from both MM like Jenkins and BS) and in my own personal experience with my MM that it's often not as simple and concrete as it seems. I experienced 2 DD with my MM and the second was a doozy (NC letter and all) but everything was done from his end to calm and clear the smoke from the atomic bomb that just went off in his M. Both of us had no intentions of ending our A and it's still stronger than ever (which is why I stopped posting- the support stopped after that was unveiled and I was sick of the bashing) but ultimately, it's my life - just like this is yours. You need to do what's best for YOU. Advice, opinions and support are great to give you different perspectives but ultimately it's your life. You sound very strong and determined but don't be surprised the first time he reaches out - just be prepared. I firmly but kindly ended my (almost 2 year) A after DD #2 and had no plans of breaking NC but let me tell you- you think you know what you will do if he reaches out but nothing really prepares you. Just develop a plan but understand it's not easy to just ignore someone you care for so deeply.

 

I really wish you the best Lilly and please keep posting - there is tremendous support here minus the few lurkers that have never been an OW/MM/BS but insist on lecturing or degrading you. Pay no mind- many of us just want to support you, hug you and say "time will heal" and my personal favorite "this too shall pass". (Hugs)

 

Aww, thanks you for the hug! I've been doing pretty good latel but those hugs are much needed No more laying around and crying. I still get those pangs of hurt in my heart. I know that will take time to fade away. Given the length of my A, I'm sure it will take a lot of time.

 

I've sort of come to terms with the NC letter. I understand why he said the things that he said. If he meant them or not is something he only knows. Deep down I don't feel like he did. I feel like he did love me. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that so I can feel better. Either way, it's helped

 

I think I will continue to heal and move forward as long as he remains NC. I will not reach out to him. I don't want to cause his wife anymore pain and as I said earlier, I don't need to be told more than once that you don't want me. I'm not the type to chase someone down who's made it clear they don't want me around. It's a waste of time and energy. I still get these little fantasies of what I'd say if I ran into him or what I wish I could've said in reply to that no contact letter. I'm hoping those fade in time as well and I'm glad I chose to go quietly. I think it was best for everyone. I think I'm pretty safe from him reaching out. I can't see him doing that after the craziness that was our dday. He would be risking too much and I'm sure that even if he wanted to reach out doing so would be entirely too hard. I know how it works after a dday as a BS. He's being monitored heavily. I guess my hope is that if he is getting those urges to break NC, that by the time the smoke clears a bit from his M those urges will be gone andBhenwill he in a place where breaking NC isn't even a thought. As much as my heart and ego may think that one little email from him would somehow make it better, my brain knows that it would only hurt. So, my fingers are crossed that he sticks to it.

 

I haven't thought of a plan if he does break NC though. I haven't felt like I needed one. I'd like to think that I would ignore and delete. I guess I can't say for sure if I would reply. I think my plan will be coming to LS if he breaks NC. Then all of you lovely LS members can reinforce all the reasons why I shouldn't reply!

[Lillyp32]

Wow, I didn't realise I can remember the dates perfectly too.

 

Dday on 13/02/15 night. It was the day before Valentine's day and he had a family dinner with in-laws. I had a super bad feeling right after 9pm when I haven't heard from him. Couldn't sleep, right on cue, I got a text and phone call at 2am saying things are okay and not to worry.

 

15/02/15 He called to end it, him crying, me crying. Hours later I joined LS. The rest is literally (search) history, all laid out here.

 

The months to followed was mild push-pull, some LC.. until I steeled myself and cut it off once and for all.

 

I don't think I have really healed completely. I can be brave and say that I am fine (I really am). But at the same time I cannot undo how the whole odeal has changed me. Would I go back to him? Never. Would I turn back time to make this all not happen in the first place? A tiny part of me says I might be willing to endure all this all over again even if I know how it ends. You love and you have heartbreaks but I think to have ever felt that love was a blessing on its own.

 

Have I really learnt anything? Of course I did. I learnt that (most) MMs have a separate heart and mind, that they truly might have loved you, but they will still stay. They might have hurt and thought a future with you but they will still stay.

 

They will stay and the only good thing you can do is to pick yourself up and live with your head up because from now on you are no longer participating in a deceit.

 

It will hurt now and it will hurt for a while more. But I promise you will come off this much stronger and better if you promise to love yourself and go on NC. The sooner you NC, the faster you'll heal. You'll be weak sometimes and the memories makes you cry, let it be, grief and you'll feel better each time.

 

Big hugs.

 

I totally relate to being brace and saying you're fine. I've been practicing the fake it till you make it thing. It's worked pretty well I know there will be bad days and good days. I can feel myself getting stronger the longer NC has gone on. I'm at 21 days today. Something to celebrate!!

 

I know that I will become a better and stronger person from all of this. It's the only bright tide of this whole mess.

 

As far as the remembering dates goes, I don't think I'll ever forget the date of dday or the date of the NC letter. There are so many dates from things that happened in the A that I will always remember. I know he will too as he's the one that always clued me in to these little "anniversaries". I'm dreading the when those dates come. I don't want to become a crying mess again.

 

ETA: The only part that feels really good about this is not being a part of that deceit anymore. It feels good to live a life that isn't full of lies. I'm relieved it's over even though my heart hurts that it's over. Those are very contradicting feelings.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Lillyp32

[Babsinhealing]

Lilly- the only reason I "warn you" to have a plan is because most of them do reach out after the dust settles- even if it's not to rekindle, but to check in. It's bothersome to some to know they may have hurt someone and they need to clear their conscience. Even though I tried to end my A and had all intentions to go NC (I'm sure he has no clue what that even means and still doesn't!) ... we talked and mutually agreed to close the page of "our chapter" so he could try to "fix" things at home- but I knew deep deep down it was not the end of us. My intuition was screaming at me and it never does me wrong. And although we went "NC" - I was still not prepared for the feeling that came over me when I looked down at my phone and saw his text only 32 days after our goodbye. I needed to make an important decision at that moment, which I knew would alter my life regardless. So that's why I encourage you to plan for it. (Hugs)

[Lillyp32]

Lilly- the only reason I "warn you" to have a plan is because most of them do reach out after the dust settles- even if it's not to rekindle, but to check in. It's bothersome to some to know they may have hurt someone and they need to clear their conscience. Even though I tried to end my A and had all intentions to go NC (I'm sure he has no clue what that even means and still doesn't!) ... we talked and mutually agreed to close the page of "our chapter" so he could try to "fix" things at home- but I knew deep deep down it was not the end of us. My intuition was screaming at me and it never does me wrong. And although we went "NC" - I was still not prepared for the feeling that came over me when I looked down at my phone and saw his text only 32 days after our goodbye. I needed to make an important decision at that moment, which I knew would alter my life regardless. So that's why I encourage you to plan for it. (Hugs)

 

Do most of them really reach out? I can see that if there wasn't a dday but I can't see it if there was one and a NC letter was sent. I can see what you're saying about them wanting to clear their conscience though. That sounds very much like a reason exMM would break NC if were to do so. I just don't see it happening. I don't know why but I don't. I think he really truly wouldn't risk his M any further. He also has no idea that I'm not reconciling. For all he knows I'm working on things with my husband and also being monitored. Given my husband informed his wife of out A, I think he'd be scared to reach out in anyway.

 

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I looked down at my phone and saw that he broke NC. Especially since I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. A few weeks before our dday I had broke things off with him. I was feeling weak one day and sent him an email with a little heart, no words just a heart. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. Looking back I shouldnt have done that. I wish I hadn't. He wrote me back hours later and said that seeing that little heart had him break down in tears. He had to go off and hide in the bathroom at work. He hadn't thought he'd ever hear from me again and he just broke down. He hadn't realized how much he had been holding in when it came to he end of us. I guess honestly that would be how I would feel and I don't want to feel that. I just want to move on.

[ladydesigner]

Do most of them really reach out? I can see that if there wasn't a dday but I can't see it if there was one and a NC letter was sent. I can see what you're saying about them wanting to clear their conscience though. That sounds very much like a reason exMM would break NC if were to do so. I just don't see it happening. I don't know why but I don't. I think he really truly wouldn't risk his M any further. He also has no idea that I'm not reconciling. For all he knows I'm working on things with my husband and also being monitored. Given my husband informed his wife of out A, I think he'd be scared to reach out in anyway.

 

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I looked down at my phone and saw that he broke NC. Especially since I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. A few weeks before our dday I had broke things off with him. I was feeling weak one day and sent him an email with a little heart, no words just a heart. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. Looking back I shouldnt have done that. I wish I hadn't. He wrote me back hours later and said that seeing that little heart had him break down in tears. He had to go off and hide in the bathroom at work. He hadn't thought he'd ever hear from me again and he just broke down. He hadn't realized how much he had been holding in when it came to he end of us. I guess honestly that would be how I would feel and I don't want to feel that. I just want to move on.

 

Yes most reach out to continue the A, doesn't mean they are leaving their M's though.

[ladydesigner]

Lilly- the only reason I "warn you" to have a plan is because most of them do reach out after the dust settles- even if it's not to rekindle, but to check in. It's bothersome to some to know they may have hurt someone and they need to clear their conscience. Even though I tried to end my A and had all intentions to go NC (I'm sure he has no clue what that even means and still doesn't!) ... we talked and mutually agreed to close the page of "our chapter" so he could try to "fix" things at home- but I knew deep deep down it was not the end of us. My intuition was screaming at me and it never does me wrong. And although we went "NC" - I was still not prepared for the feeling that came over me when I looked down at my phone and saw his text only 32 days after our goodbye. I needed to make an important decision at that moment, which I knew would alter my life regardless. So that's why I encourage you to plan for it. (Hugs)

 

I would plan for it too and what you OP are going to do when it happens!

 

A. Continue the A for X amount of years

 

B. Move on

[Formerfiveo]

I'm rooting for you, Lilly.

 

You can do this.

 

xoxo

[Lillyp32]

Yes most reach out to continue the A, doesn't mean they are leaving their M's though.

 

Even with a dday? I don't know why I find that so hard to believe. My husband did about a month after dday but they worked together. I would think it's more common under those circumstances. Having to see your exAP daily would make NC so much harder. ExMM doesn't have to deal with that so I would think it would be much easier for him to stay away.

 

I don't have any desire to continue the A so that won't be a problem if he breaks it. Even though I know I'm strong enough to not get back into the A, I'm afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to just ignore him. That's why I'll post here if it happens. It's the best plan I can come up with at the moment.

[S2B]

Yes, most cheaters who get caught wait until the coast is clear and then check back in with their AP... mainly because it's easier, FOR THEM, than trying to find a new and willing victim.

 

Hopefully when he comes sniffing around you tell him to buzz off!

[Lillyp32]

I'm rooting for you, Lilly.

 

You can do this.

 

xoxo

 

Thank you for the encouragement

[Lillyp32]

Yes, most cheaters who get caught wait until the coast is clear and then check back in with their AP... mainly because it's easier, FOR THEM, than trying to find a new and willing victim.

 

Hopefully when he comes sniffing around you tell him to buzz off!

 

I think exMM is more like Jenkins and won't be out looking for a new AP. I've known him a really long time. Long before we ever had an A. I'm pretty sure he'll learn his lesson from this.

 

But I do agreee that if he does break NC it will be for him. It'll be to say he's sorry or something along those lines so he doesn't have to feel like "the bad guy", he's a people pleaser and wants to make everyone happy. Can't have anyone thinking poorly of him. So yeah, him reaching out would be for selfish reasons.

[ladydesigner]

Even with a dday? I don't know why I find that so hard to believe. My husband did about a month after dday but they worked together. I would think it's more common under those circumstances. Having to see your exAP daily would make NC so much harder. ExMM doesn't have to deal with that so I would think it would be much easier for him to stay away.

 

I don't have any desire to continue the A so that won't be a problem if he breaks it. Even though I know I'm strong enough to not get back into the A, I'm afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to just ignore him. That's why I'll post here if it happens. It's the best plan I can come up with at the moment.

 

Dday didn't stop my WH.

[Babsinhealing]

Do most of them really reach out? I can see that if there wasn't a dday but I can't see it if there was one and a NC letter was sent. I can see what you're saying about them wanting to clear their conscience though. That sounds very much like a reason exMM would break NC if were to do so. I just don't see it happening. I don't know why but I don't. I think he really truly wouldn't risk his M any further. He also has no idea that I'm not reconciling. For all he knows I'm working on things with my husband and also being monitored. Given my husband informed his wife of out A, I think he'd be scared to reach out in anyway.

 

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I looked down at my phone and saw that he broke NC. Especially since I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. A few weeks before our dday I had broke things off with him. I was feeling weak one day and sent him an email with a little heart, no words just a heart. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. Looking back I shouldnt have done that. I wish I hadn't. He wrote me back hours later and said that seeing that little heart had him break down in tears. He had to go off and hide in the bathroom at work. He hadn't thought he'd ever hear from me again and he just broke down. He hadn't realized how much he had been holding in when it came to he end of us. I guess honestly that would be how I would feel and I don't want to feel that. I just want to move on.

In my experience and with friends (and even speaking with MM) yes, it's not uncommon for them to reach out- it may not be right away but as the weeks and months pass (usually when you are well on your way of healing) they do. It's doesn't matter if there was a DD or a NC letter. To be honest (and I took a lot of criticism admitting this) my MM texted me before he sent the NC letter the day after our DD and told me she was forcing him to write it and to be expecting it. It was cold and to the point and she was CC on it as well (I think she wrote it because it was addressed to my formal name- which he has never once called me) but after he hit "send" he texted me again and apologized and said he felt horrible and that he would come see me on the following Monday. Our situation was obviously different because we took the A underground for almost 2 months after DD before I "ended it".

 

But to be honest- I think there are different types of A. In my mind- the LTA is the most dangerous; you don't just shut off feelings for each other especially when forced- which is what happens on DD). How each AP deals with it can certainly vary but the feelings don't just die if they were truly genuine. The fact your MM cried when he received your heart text, tells me he has genuine feelings for you. So while he's doing what he needs to do and you assume he's moved on, cold, calculated- I'm sure you would find that in his quiet/private times- he's grieving the loss of you- especially if he feels is really over. I was shocked to learn how difficult it was for my MM during NC. I just assumed he was working on fixing his M. It was far from reality.

 

It sounds like you really want the A to be over- and I think that is when NC really works. So many people use it incorrectly and I don't think it's applicable for every situation but it could be for yours. Stay strong Lilly and always do what you feel is best for you. (hugs)

[Lillyp32]

Dday didn't stop my WH.

 

I'm sorry I know what that feels like. My husband broke NC about a month after dday. It hurt more than his A. Especially since it was a valentines card he gave her with the longest sweetest I'm sorry/goodbye message. I got a Valentine's Day card with a "Love you" written inside. It was heart wrenching. My husband wasn't really remorseful though. I think my exMM is. I didn't get a warning about the NC letter but the night of dday I got an email from him telling me he was going to tell the truth and let it all out. That's a sign of a remorseful wayward. Hopefully he sticks to NC.

 

Are you and your husband still reconciling?

[Lillyp32]

In my experience and with friends (and even speaking with MM) yes, it's not uncommon for them to reach out- it may not be right away but as the weeks and months pass (usually when you are well on your way of healing) they do. It's doesn't matter if there was a DD or a NC letter. To be honest (and I took a lot of criticism admitting this) my MM texted me before he sent the NC letter the day after our DD and told me she was forcing him to write it and to be expecting it. It was cold and to the point and she was CC on it as well (I think she wrote it because it was addressed to my formal name- which he has never once called me) but after he hit "send" he texted me again and apologized and said he felt horrible and that he would come see me on the following Monday. Our situation was obviously different because we took the A underground for almost 2 months after DD before I "ended it".

 

But to be honest- I think there are different types of A. In my mind- the LTA is the most dangerous; you don't just shut off feelings for each other especially when forced- which is what happens on DD). How each AP deals with it can certainly vary but the feelings don't just die if they were truly genuine. The fact your MM cried when he received your heart text, tells me he has genuine feelings for you. So while he's doing what he needs to do and you assume he's moved on, cold, calculated- I'm sure you would find that in his quiet/private times- he's grieving the loss of you- especially if he feels is really over. I was shocked to learn how difficult it was for my MM during NC. I just assumed he was working on fixing his M. It was far from reality.

 

It sounds like you really want the A to be over- and I think that is when NC really works. So many people use it incorrectly and I don't think it's applicable for every situation but it could be for yours. Stay strong Lilly and always do what you feel is best for you. (hugs)

 

Yes, thinking back I know he did care about me and is probably hurting on his own time. If the dday hadn't happened I know we'd still be having an A. I honestly don't think it would've ended without one.

[ShatteredLady]

My husbands OW continued to break NC & reach out for 12 YEARS! Just a couple of times a year through different apps etc. usually just "Hi!" or a 'life update' to tell him where she was living & what she was doing.

 

 

I know we talk a lot about "Cheaters Script" & many things are posted assuming that all MM & OW are pretty much the same. I can see the similarities when I read people's stories but I think that affairs can be very different...just as people are not all the same.

 

I do read some threads & think "OMG she's delusional & totally being played!" but I also think that some OW really do know their AP very well & can predict how he's going to behave even after d-days or decisions to end the relationship.

 

At the end of the day my only advise is do the work, REALLY know yourself & what you truly NEED (not want). That way you can plan for all eventualities, even if it's "Write on LS to get others advise before I do anything!".

[Lillyp32]

My husbands OW continued to break NC & reach out for 12 YEARS! Just a couple of times a year through different apps etc. usually just "Hi!" or a 'life update' to tell him where she was living & what she was doing.

 

 

I know we talk a lot about "Cheaters Script" & many things are posted assuming that all MM & OW are pretty much the same. I can see the similarities when I read people's stories but I think that affairs can be very different...just as people are not all the same.

 

I do read some threads & think "OMG she's delusional & totally being played!" but I also think that some OW really do know their AP very well & can predict how he's going to behave even after d-days or decisions to end the relationship.

 

At the end of the day my only advise is do the work, REALLY know yourself & what you truly NEED (not want). That way you can plan for all eventualities, even if it's "Write on LS to get others advise before I do anything!".

 

Geez Shatteredlady! 12 years!? I can't imagine having to deal with that. You'd think at some point she would've gotten the hint! That NC letter was all the hint I needed. To be honest, I wouldn't have continued the A after dday even if I hadn't gotten that NC letter. I couldn't bring myself to continue to hurt people. It's weird because I have been a BS and understand how devastating it feels but it's like during the A, I couldn't "see" our BS's pain if they found out. Once dday hit, it was like a rude awakening to what I'd done to our BS's. I almost got flashbacks from all the pain I'd experienced from my husbands A's and couldn't believe I'd caused that for others. It was seriously eye opening. I'm not even sure if that makes sense.

 

I do believe that I know my exMM very well. Before dday he always came back if I tried to walk away. He tried once and was back the next day. I just don't see it happening after a dday. He sees the hurt he caused his wife and I don't think he would want cause her anymore pain. He's not a bad guy. He's broken obviously and made a really f'ed up choice but he's not all bad. He'll learn from this and grow. I know he will.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Lillyp32