DDAY happened

[Lillyp32]

I'm currently reading through the thread, and I apologize if it's been covered, but I'm just curious, how did your husband find out?

 

I don't know and I've never asked.

[BluesPower]

Wow, that is interesting...

 

But I am guessing that you were out the door as quick as you could be.

 

I think in some ways your affair was an exit affair. If there is a good type of affair, which there is not, it would be the exit affair.

 

I wonder how he did find out???

[Lillyp32]

Wow, that is interesting...

 

But I am guessing that you were out the door as quick as you could be.

 

I think in some ways your affair was an exit affair. If there is a good type of affair, which there is not, it would be the exit affair.

 

I wonder how he did find out???

 

I've been wondering this a bit too. Although, I've always thought an exit affair was making your exit with someone else. I loved exMM, but my intentions were never for us both to divorce and then be together. I don't know what the point of carrying on for so long was. I guess it felt good to love someone the way I loved him. I hadn't felt that in a long time. It felt good to feel loved too.

 

I was curious about how my husband found at at first but that curiosity is fading. It doesn't really matter how he found out. He did and mine and exMM actions blew a bunch of people's worlds

[BluesPower]

We never know why we carry them on.

 

Yours is as good an answer as any. I carried on my stuff with some of them way, way to long.

 

I have been justly criticized for that on LS. But you know, it did feel good to be with someone that cared about me. She got too deep, and I let her because it did feel good. I was selfish about some of them.

 

So where are you headed with your life? Have you filed yet?

[Lillyp32]

We never know why we carry them on.

 

Yours is as good an answer as any. I carried on my stuff with some of them way, way to long.

 

I have been justly criticized for that on LS. But you know, it did feel good to be with someone that cared about me. She got too deep, and I let her because it did feel good. I was selfish about some of them.

 

So where are you headed with your life? Have you filed yet?

 

I guess you got in too deep as well. Not emotionally but caught up in those feel good feelings.

 

I haven't filed yet but I plan to. I'm a little afraid of my husbands reaction to it. My fingers are crossed that things don't get ugly.

[Lillyp32]

And what was your MM's excuse?

 

Well, you'd have to ask his wife that. Lol I'm sure they've been discussing his whys. I never asked what he was doing having an A. I'm going to guess filling some sort of emotional void considering the lack of sex in our A but what do I know.

[Lillyp32]

I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread so I decided to post here.

 

Things have been getting a bit better in terms of exMM. I've noticed that I think about him less and when I do think about him it hurts less. I do still miss him though. I miss him a lot actually. I've let go of the anger I've felt for him due to how things ended. I think that has helped the process move a long. I'm working towards indifference. I know that's what I need to feel to fully move on and heal.

 

My marriage has been another story. I'm sill separated but haven't filed. I can't bring myself to do it. It's not that I want my marriage, I just see how much I've hurt my husband. I see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for hurting him and then leaving. It's a double whammy. It's just awful.

 

He doesn't want the divorce though. I know I've posted that before but he won't let go. I have had many conversations with him about my feelings. Trying to get him to understand. Trying to get him to see the hurt and pain his abuse and affairs have caused me. Trying to help him understand why my love for him died a long time ago. Trying to help him through the pain my affair caused him as well. It's been draining on us both. I see him trying to change. I see him understanding what his actions over the duration of our marriage has done to me. But I can't help but wonder, is it real? Are these changes going to stick? Is this just a way to reel me back in? We've been down this road before. He's "changed" and then those changes slowly went away. But I've never seen him try so hard before either. My resolve is starting to crumble. I'm starting to question my choice to divorce but I don't know if that's due to the guilt I feel for having an affair and then leaving. When I think about going back I get anxiety attacks. Bad ones. I'm so afraid to go back to that life. I have nightmares about it. But then I wonder if I'm walking away prematurely. I wonder if the changes are real am I walking away from something that could be good? I know that I don't love him. But could I love the new him if it's real? Maybe my idea of love has been somewhat warped after my 2.5 year affair? I'm so confused and I feel like my mind is all over the place.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I feel stuck. Absolutely stuck.

[ladydesigner]

I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread so I decided to post here.

 

Things have been getting a bit better in terms of exMM. I've noticed that I think about him less and when I do think about him it hurts less. I do still miss him though. I miss him a lot actually. I've let go of the anger I've felt for him due to how things ended. I think that has helped the process move a long. I'm working towards indifference. I know that's what I need to feel to fully move on and heal.

 

My marriage has been another story. I'm sill separated but haven't filed. I can't bring myself to do it. It's not that I want my marriage, I just see how much I've hurt my husband. I see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for hurting him and then leaving. It's a double whammy. It's just awful.

 

He doesn't want the divorce though. I know I've posted that before but he won't let go. I have had many conversations with him about my feelings. Trying to get him to understand. Trying to get him to see the hurt and pain his abuse and affairs have caused me. Trying to help him understand why my love for him died a long time ago. Trying to help him through the pain my affair caused him as well. It's been draining on us both. I see him trying to change. I see him understanding what his actions over the duration of our marriage has done to me. But I can't help but wonder, is it real? Are these changes going to stick? Is this just a way to reel me back in? We've been down this road before. He's "changed" and then those changes slowly went away. But I've never seen him try so hard before either. My resolve is starting to crumble. I'm starting to question my choice to divorce but I don't know if that's due to the guilt I feel for having an affair and then leaving. When I think about going back I get anxiety attacks. Bad ones. I'm so afraid to go back to that life. I have nightmares about it. But then I wonder if I'm walking away prematurely. I wonder if the changes are real am I walking away from something that could be good? I know that I don't love him. But could I love the new him if it's real? Maybe my idea of love has been somewhat warped after my 2.5 year affair? I'm so confused and I feel like my mind is all over the place.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I feel stuck. Absolutely stuck.

 

I am in the same boat (((Lillyp32))) I am thinking it is better to start fresh. Too much has happened for me to forgive and forget. Me trying to save my M felt like slapping paint over the wallpaper and the paint is now bubbling and peeling off.

[malvern99]

Do you think the answer to your dilemma is easier to find if you just give your situation more time? If the answer is no, then pull the trigger now because running in circles in the same spot only increases the pain and its duration for both you and your husband. If the marriage is truly dead, then why hang about? I know he doesn't want to let go, but sometimes, it is better to rip the band aid off. Remember, just because you divorce does not mean you can't help him heal and vice versa. Good luck to you.

[Lillyp32]

I am in the same boat (((Lillyp32))) I am thinking it is better to start fresh. Too much has happened for me to forgive and forget. Me trying to save my M felt like slapping paint over the wallpaper and the paint is now bubbling and peeling off.

 

I feel the same way. He's painting this picture of a "new beginning" and saying that it's not about the past but the future. We could be great together if we become better people together. But how do you just move on from 15 years of abuse? We've never had a marriage. Not once. It's been full of his mistreatment of me and then add my affair on top what is there to save? He doesn't see it that way. He says he can't lose me and that I can be happy with him. I feel guilty for wanting out. I'm second guessing myself now. I'm just so lost.

[Lillyp32]

Do you think the answer to your dilemma is easier to find if you just give your situation more time? If the answer is no, then pull the trigger now because running in circles in the same spot only increases the pain and its duration for both you and your husband. If the marriage is truly dead, then why hang about? I know he doesn't want to let go, but sometimes, it is better to rip the band aid off. Remember, just because you divorce does not mean you can't help him heal and vice versa. Good luck to you.

 

I honestly don't know if time will change things. Right now, I can't see me ever being in a place where I won't be waiting for him to turn back into his abusive self. That man is all I know. This new version of himself doesn't feel real. I don't know if that's caused by the years of abuse or not. The man I know has popped out a handful of times since he's changed. It makes me wonder if it's all an act. I know the changes he's making won't happen over night though. This has me running in circles.

[malvern99]

I honestly don't know if time will change things. Right now, I can't see me ever being in a place where I won't be waiting for him to turn back into his abusive self. That man is all I know. This new version of himself doesn't feel real. I don't know if that's caused by the years of abuse or not. The man I know has popped out a handful of times since he's changed. It makes me wonder if it's all an act. I know the changes he's making won't happen over night though. This has me running in circles.

 

If this is the case, then my advice is to move on. A marriage that lacks trust is no marriage at all. Who wants to live a life where you're always wondering what's real and what's not? Life is too short for that mess. Best case scenario is if this can be done in a civil manner, that way, the impact on any kids if you have them, is somewhat minimized. If you truly feel it's over then pull the trigger. Divorce does not have to mean the end forever. Many people divorce, sort their own sh*t out, then remarry. It's one of those thongs. If it was meant to be, it'll be. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

Here is the deal IMHO.

 

If there was a deep abiding love between you two, then maybe you could wait and see what happens. But there is not.

 

You have been abused and mistreated all that time. I really don't see what there is to save.

 

Now this is different for me and my wife. We have some type of crazy, and I mean crazy, love. And even with that I am just not sure that I can get over some of the stuff that has happened.

 

And right now she is really doing a great job of being a wife and partner. I just have a hard time trusting it. But the thing is that even after everything our love has never left.

 

But, you don't have that for your husband. And, I think that if you don't you should get the divorce.

 

That decision is yours, but it really seems like the right one.

[Josmatjes]

I feel the same way. He's painting this picture of a "new beginning" and saying that it's not about the past but the future. We could be great together if we become better people together. But how do you just move on from 15 years of abuse? We've never had a marriage. Not once. It's been full of his mistreatment of me and then add my affair on top what is there to save? He doesn't see it that way. He says he can't lose me and that I can be happy with him. I feel guilty for wanting out. I'm second guessing myself now. I'm just so lost.

 

I'm also separated for over a year and still noones filing. Financially wise we can't right now. But I understand what you are saying. Sometimes way too much has happened. Sometimes certain people bring out the worst in us so it's better to walk away. Even if he got help there is a very high chance he'd go back to being abusive.

My husband was cold to me for years, then I had an affair. We had to forgive each other for a lot of things and truthfully it was just too much. He can't get past " what I did to us " and I can't forgive him for his things he's done to me. We both know we can't move on so we are choosing to end it. It's better to start fresh in my opinion. You can still love each other and care just not live together.

 

Also don't feel guilty for wanting to save yourself. You had that affair because of how you were being treated. Sometimes affairs are actually exit affairs that give us a boost to move on. Good luck!

[Lillyp32]

I'm also separated for over a year and still noones filing. Financially wise we can't right now. But I understand what you are saying. Sometimes way too much has happened. Sometimes certain people bring out the worst in us so it's better to walk away. Even if he got help there is a very high chance he'd go back to being abusive.

My husband was cold to me for years, then I had an affair. We had to forgive each other for a lot of things and truthfully it was just too much. He can't get past " what I did to us " and I can't forgive him for his things he's done to me. We both know we can't move on so we are choosing to end it. It's better to start fresh in my opinion. You can still love each other and care just not live together.

 

Also don't feel guilty for wanting to save yourself. You had that affair because of how you were being treated. Sometimes affairs are actually exit affairs that give us a boost to move on. Good luck!

 

I don't like who I am when I'm with him. He really does bring out the worst in me. That's another thing that has me terrified of going back. I dont want to be that person anymore. I want to be better and to feel better. I don't know if can do that with him.

 

I also know that I don't love him. Not the way I should love him. I love him in a friendly way. Almost like you love a family member. It doesn't feel romantic in any way shape or form and hasn't for years and years. But I do wonder, can love like that come back? Can you find it again after it's been gone for so long?

 

I think those question is what has me in this confusing place.

[aileD]

I don't like who I am when I'm with him. He really does bring out the worst in me. That's another thing that has me terrified of going back. I dont want to be that person anymore. I want to be better and to feel better. I don't know if can do that with him.

 

I also know that I don't love him. Not the way I should love him. I love him in a friendly way. Almost like you love a family member. It doesn't feel romantic in any way shape or form and hasn't for years and years. But I do wonder, can love like that come back? Can you find it again after it's been gone for so long?

 

I think those question is what has me in this confusing place.

 

You can if you are both willing to do the extremely hard work and you both want it.

 

Love can always come back. That's not the questionZ. The question is do you want it to? And are you willing to work for it?

[ladydesigner]

I'm also separated for over a year and still noones filing. Financially wise we can't right now. But I understand what you are saying. Sometimes way too much has happened. Sometimes certain people bring out the worst in us so it's better to walk away. Even if he got help there is a very high chance he'd go back to being abusive.

My husband was cold to me for years, then I had an affair. We had to forgive each other for a lot of things and truthfully it was just too much. He can't get past " what I did to us " and I can't forgive him for his things he's done to me. We both know we can't move on so we are choosing to end it. It's better to start fresh in my opinion. You can still love each other and care just not live together.

 

Also don't feel guilty for wanting to save yourself. You had that affair because of how you were being treated. Sometimes affairs are actually exit affairs that give us a boost to move on. Good luck!

 

This post really resonates with me right now. Thank you Josmatjes!

[ladydesigner]

I don't like who I am when I'm with him. He really does bring out the worst in me. That's another thing that has me terrified of going back. I dont want to be that person anymore. I want to be better and to feel better. I don't know if can do that with him.

 

I also know that I don't love him. Not the way I should love him. I love him in a friendly way. Almost like you love a family member. It doesn't feel romantic in any way shape or form and hasn't for years and years. But I do wonder, can love like that come back? Can you find it again after it's been gone for so long?

 

I think those question is what has me in this confusing place.

 

My own answer to this question is that my WH is not worth the risk of me allowing myself to ever be that vulnerable again.

[Birdies]

Girl, just pull the trigger. You don't want to be married to him, but you feel so guilty about the A that you don't think you're allowed to also divorce your husband on top of it. I know because I was in that exact same situation. I dragged my feet until my therapist and my husband himself basically gave me permission to end things. And now, honestly, it's such a weight off. I still love him and I miss him, but it's such a relief not to go through the same fights and issues and resentments over and over and over.

 

It'll suck in the short term, but you'll be doing a favor to both of you.

[eye of the storm]

LillyP, After my then H left me. I went into therapy. He said he would come back if I changed all the things he hated about me. I was so beat down after 18 years of M that I believed him. It was all my fault. I was the problem. So, like a good beaten dog, I went into therapy to be better trained.

 

I was so lucky I had a good therapist. After several months she looked at me and asked why I wanted to save my M. I tried explaining and she kept interrupting me. I was telling her the text book responses of why I should be wanting to save my M. Finally she broke it down. Why did I want his car to pull up in the driveway, why did I want to sit across from him at dinner, why did I want to sleep next to him and be intimate with him.

 

I opened my mouth to tell her all the amazing things about my H...and realized something I had ignored for years. I dreaded him coming home and so did the kids. I always called when he was on his way home from work so we could judge his mood and knew how to behave when he got home. I hated cooking for him, and had multiple panic attacks at the grocery store because of how he was going to behave at dinner. And because he had used so many things against me I couldn't relax and sleep until he was out because I didn't trust him.

 

I don't care what the "you can save any marriage" group says. Sometimes a M can be toxic and damage you. Mine just about killed me. And as much as I miss my MM, it was a much healthier relationship than my M ever was. (not that I recommend As)

 

Your body is telling you to get out and stay out of your M. When your body has a panic attack it is trying to tell you something. Yours is telling you to get out and stay out.

 

Go to IC for you. So you can heal, so you can learn, so you can be happy and healthy.

[ladydesigner]

LillyP, After my then H left me. I went into therapy. He said he would come back if I changed all the things he hated about me. I was so beat down after 18 years of M that I believed him. It was all my fault. I was the problem. So, like a good beaten dog, I went into therapy to be better trained.

 

I was so lucky I had a good therapist. After several months she looked at me and asked why I wanted to save my M. I tried explaining and she kept interrupting me. I was telling her the text book responses of why I should be wanting to save my M. Finally she broke it down. Why did I want his car to pull up in the driveway, why did I want to sit across from him at dinner, why did I want to sleep next to him and be intimate with him.

 

I opened my mouth to tell her all the amazing things about my H...and realized something I had ignored for years. I dreaded him coming home and so did the kids. I always called when he was on his way home from work so we could judge his mood and knew how to behave when he got home. I hated cooking for him, and had multiple panic attacks at the grocery store because of how he was going to behave at dinner. And because he had used so many things against me I couldn't relax and sleep until he was out because I didn't trust him.

 

I don't care what the "you can save any marriage" group says. Sometimes a M can be toxic and damage you. Mine just about killed me. And as much as I miss my MM, it was a much healthier relationship than my M ever was. (not that I recommend As)

 

Your body is telling you to get out and stay out of your M. When your body has a panic attack it is trying to tell you something. Yours is telling you to get out and stay out.

 

Go to IC for you. So you can heal, so you can learn, so you can be happy and healthy.

 

Wow I don't know what is going on but this post is uncanny to my situation and I am getting out!

[eye of the storm]

Ladydesigner, Im glad you are getting out. It sucks in the beginning until you learn new habits. I still have issues when clothes shopping but, all in all....I feel like I was let out of prison.

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner, Im glad you are getting out. It sucks in the beginning until you learn new habits. I still have issues when clothes shopping but, all in all....I feel like I was let out of prison.

 

Funny you say that. That is exactly what this feels like, prison!

[Lillyp32]

Girl, just pull the trigger. You don't want to be married to him, but you feel so guilty about the A that you don't think you're allowed to also divorce your husband on top of it. I know because I was in that exact same situation. I dragged my feet until my therapist and my husband himself basically gave me permission to end things. And now, honestly, it's such a weight off. I still love him and I miss him, but it's such a relief not to go through the same fights and issues and resentments over and over and over.

 

It'll suck in the short term, but you'll be doing a favor to both of you.

 

This is exactly how I fell. You know before my affair I felt like leaving just because I wasn't happy wasn't a valid reason either. Like it would be frowned upon or something. I've got issues.

[Lillyp32]

LillyP, After my then H left me. I went into therapy. He said he would come back if I changed all the things he hated about me. I was so beat down after 18 years of M that I believed him. It was all my fault. I was the problem. So, like a good beaten dog, I went into therapy to be better trained.

 

I was so lucky I had a good therapist. After several months she looked at me and asked why I wanted to save my M. I tried explaining and she kept interrupting me. I was telling her the text book responses of why I should be wanting to save my M. Finally she broke it down. Why did I want his car to pull up in the driveway, why did I want to sit across from him at dinner, why did I want to sleep next to him and be intimate with him.

 

I opened my mouth to tell her all the amazing things about my H...and realized something I had ignored for years. I dreaded him coming home and so did the kids. I always called when he was on his way home from work so we could judge his mood and knew how to behave when he got home. I hated cooking for him, and had multiple panic attacks at the grocery store because of how he was going to behave at dinner. And because he had used so many things against me I couldn't relax and sleep until he was out because I didn't trust him.

 

I don't care what the "you can save any marriage" group says. Sometimes a M can be toxic and damage you. Mine just about killed me. And as much as I miss my MM, it was a much healthier relationship than my M ever was. (not that I recommend As)

 

Your body is telling you to get out and stay out of your M. When your body has a panic attack it is trying to tell you something. Yours is telling you to get out and stay out.

 

Go to IC for you. So you can heal, so you can learn, so you can be happy and healthy.

 

I've been in IC. I had my third session today It's been really helpful. I've got a long road a head of me for healing and being happy. I've been through too much over the last 15 years.

 

My marriage sounds just like yours was. It's awful to live like that. Always walking on eggshells and never knowing what mood your husband will be in. Never knowing if you the things you do or say will be "right" in his eyes. It seriously strips you of your self worth.

 

My affair was also much healthier than my marriage ever was. It was so different being able to express myself without fear. Being able to talk about issues I was having with exMM and getting support, love and understanding. It just felt good and really opened my eyes to how unhappy I was in my marriage. To how completely abusive it was.