DDAY happened

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been in IC. I had my third session today It's been really helpful. I've got a long road a head of me for healing and being happy. I've been through too much over the last 15 years.

 

My marriage sounds just like yours was. It's awful to live like that. Always walking on eggshells and never knowing what mood your husband will be in. Never knowing if you the things you do or say will be "right" in his eyes. It seriously strips you of your self worth.

 

My affair was also much healthier than my marriage ever was. It was so different being able to express myself without fear. Being able to talk about issues I was having with exMM and getting support, love and understanding. It just felt good and really opened my eyes to how unhappy I was in my marriage. To how completely abusive it was.

 

My marriage to my ex was very toxic, like you describe. I always walked on eggshells and he would follow me around and yell and scream at me. It was awful. Near the end he put me in the choke hold and said he wanted to kill me. Shortly after that I signed a lease and just left him. No notice. I left everything behind except the clothes I could fit in my suitcase. I let him have all the money and even my car. It was like being released from prison. I had a dollar in my pocket, the clothes on my back, no car but I was free.

 

As I walked away with my clothes spilling out of my suitcase, he yelled that I would end up alone with cats.

 

I bought a dog.

[Lillyp32]

My marriage to my ex was very toxic, like you describe. I always walked on eggshells and he would follow me around and yell and scream at me. It was awful. Near the end he put me in the choke hold and said he wanted to kill me. Shortly after that I signed a lease and just left him. No notice. I left everything behind except the clothes I could fit in my suitcase. I let him have all the money and even my car. It was like being released from prison. I had a dollar in my pocket, the clothes on my back, no car but I was free.

 

As I walked away with my clothes spilling out of my suitcase, he yelled that I would end up alone with cats.

 

I bought a dog.

 

Midnight, i absolutely LOVE the bolded!

 

My husband is putting up an awesome show of change. Thing is, even if he is actually changing, I don't think I can ever look at him the same. I don't think I can ever let myself be vulnerable with him or truly love him. I know this deep down. I know leaving is best for both of us. I just feel absolutely guilty about it. You'd think after all the hurt that man has put me through I wouldn't have an issue hurting him but I do. I feel so horrible about it. It makes me feel like I should try for him even if it's not good for me. I need to grow a pair...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight, i absolutely LOVE the bolded!

 

My husband is putting up an awesome show of change. Thing is, even if he is actually changing, I don't think I can ever look at him the same. I don't think I can ever let myself be vulnerable with him or truly love him. I know this deep down. I know leaving is best for both of us. I just feel absolutely guilty about it. You'd think after all the hurt that man has put me through I wouldn't have an issue hurting him but I do. I feel so horrible about it. It makes me feel like I should try for him even if it's not good for me. I need to grow a pair...

 

Only you can know the difference. Having been through a divorce and then an affair in my current marriage, at least for me I knew the difference between wanting to leave my marriage because I would rather be alone than spend one more day with this guy I hated and wanting to leave because I didn't want to do the work to fix it.

 

When you know it's time to go, you pretty much know.

[sandylee1]

Lillly

 

Exactly how has he changed?

What difference do you see in him?

Has he had any counselling?

 

You say you are crumbling, but if returning gives you nightmares, that's not good at all.

 

Was there ever a time your husband was loving and treated you well?

 

Is there a time in your marriage (before his affairs), that you felt happy and that you would want to get to?

 

Because if the marriage has been full of affairs and abuse, then you're basically hoping for a personality and character transplant.

 

Don't you think you could find happiness with someone else in the future. Once you've gotten through everything and in a couple of years maybe?

 

Sometimes it takes loosing a spouse for him to realise what he's lost, but at the same time, it can be too little too late. The damage is irreparable. The trust you had for him is gone. He destroyed that, not you.

[sandylee1]

 

 

As I walked away with my clothes spilling out of my suitcase, he yelled that I would end up alone with cats./

 

I bought a dog.

 

Made me laugh as well. ?????

 

I'd have been tempted to say, "That would be heaven, compared to living in this hell with you"

[Lillyp32]

Lillly

 

Exactly how has he changed?

What difference do you see in him?

Has he had any counselling?

 

You say you are crumbling, but if returning gives you nightmares, that's not good at all.

 

Was there ever a time your husband was loving and treated you well?

 

Is there a time in your marriage (before his affairs), that you felt happy and that you would want to get to?

 

Because if the marriage has been full of affairs and abuse, then you're basically hoping for a personality and character transplant.

 

Don't you think you could find happiness with someone else in the future. Once you've gotten through everything and in a couple of years maybe?

 

Sometimes it takes loosing a spouse for him to realise what he's lost, but at the same time, it can be too little too late. The damage is irreparable. The trust you had for him is gone. He destroyed that, not you.

 

I had to really think about all the questions you asked. Yes, he's been going to IC and we've gone to counseling together as well. I don't feel like either one is getting anywhere. He says his therapist just tells him how wonderful he's doing. This gives me the impression that he's saying what he thinks he should and isn't really going deeper to figure himself out.

 

The counseling together has been ok. I thought it would be good to have a safe place for us to talk about our issues. I was thinking that it would sort of help clear the air so that we could co-parent without any animosity between us. He doesn't say much in counseling though. He almost sits there and tells the therapist "that's what I've been telling her," it's been quite irritating for me. I don't feel as if I want to go anymore.

 

The big change I see in him is that he has quite drinking. He's an alcoholic, I'm not sure if he even realizes that or if he will be able to never drink again. I know a lot of our problems have been due to his excessive drinking. It changes him into a person that no one wants to be around. His attitude has changed a lot BUT I've seen that changed man facade drop and the man I know comes out. It happens quite a bit. Almost always when things aren't going his way. Sometimes just the things he says shows that his thinking hasn't really changed either, my reaction makes him back pedal and he tries to reword what's he's said. Tries to convince me that it wasn't what he meant. I see right through it though. He claims to understand the amount of pain he's put me through, he apologizes for it yet I don't truly believe he understands the deep wounds he's caused. I wonder if it's an act.

 

I'm embarrassed to say that he cheated on me twice (that I know of) before we ever got married. He was verbally abusive before that too. I've often wondered why I married him in the first place. I think it had to do with my own issues coming from a broken home with an absent father. I always wanted my kids to have a family unit like I didn't have. I was pregnant and had our first child before we were married. I think I believed at the time that marriage would sort of change him. It didn't and I spent my entire marriage with a man that was never around and always cheating on me. He was pretty much acting like a single man while I took care of our child and then children. I was like a single mom but married. Lonely but married. So I guess the answer to the question of if there is a time I was happy and place I'd like to get back to in our marriage is no. We never had a real marriage. That's not to say that he has always been awful. There have been times he's shown me love but then again, that is how abusive relationships work. You get periods where the abuser is loving and great but it never lasts. It's a crazy push pull type thing.

 

I have been thinking and thinking about all this. The more I think the more I realize it's just time. Even if he's changed, I know deep down that I will never be able to look at him and see the changed man. There are too many scars. There is too much pain to let go of. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I know that the guilt I feel for all that I've done is what has me flip flopping. I'm tired of hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. My therapist says I need to learn how to not feel guilt but to feel empathy instead. I guess I need to work harder on that.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

[ladydesigner]

I had to really think about all the questions you asked. Yes, he's been going to IC and we've gone to counseling together as well. I don't feel like either one is getting anywhere. He says his therapist just tells him how wonderful he's doing. This gives me the impression that he's saying what he thinks he should and isn't really going deeper to figure himself out.

 

The counseling together has been ok. I thought it would be good to have a safe place for us to talk about our issues. I was thinking that it would sort of help clear the air so that we could co-parent without any animosity between us. He doesn't say much in counseling though. He almost sits there and tells the therapist "that's what I've been telling her," it's been quite irritating for me. I don't feel as if I want to go anymore.

 

The big change I see in him is that he has quite drinking. He's an alcoholic, I'm not sure if he even realizes that or if he will be able to never drink again. I know a lot of our problems have been due to his excessive drinking. It changes him into a person that no one wants to be around. His attitude has changed a lot BUT I've seen that changed man facade drop and the man I know comes out. It happens quite a bit. Almost always when things aren't going his way. Sometimes just the things he says shows that his thinking hasn't really changed either, my reaction makes him back pedal and he tries to reword what's he's said. Tries to convince me that it wasn't what he meant. I see right through it though. He claims to understand the amount of pain he's put me through, he apologizes for it yet I don't truly believe he understands the deep wounds he's caused. I wonder if it's an act.

 

I'm embarrassed to say that he cheated on me twice (that I know of) before we ever got married. He was verbally abusive before that too. I've often wondered why I married him in the first place. I think it had to do with my own issues coming from a broken home with an absent father. I always wanted my kids to have a family unit like I didn't have. I was pregnant and had our first child before we were married. I think I believed at the time that marriage would sort of change him. It didn't and I spent my entire marriage with a man that was never around and always cheating on me. He was pretty much acting like a single man while I took care of our child and then children. I was like a single mom but married. Lonely but married. So I guess the answer to the question of if there is a time I was happy and place I'd like to get back to in our marriage is no. We never had a real marriage. That's not to say that he has always been awful. There have been times he's shown me love but then again, that is how abusive relationships work. You get periods where the abuser is loving and great but it never lasts. It's a crazy push pull type thing.

 

I have been thinking and thinking about all this. The more I think the more I realize it's just time. Even if he's changed, I know deep down that I will never be able to look at him and see the changed man. There are too many scars. There is too much pain to let go of. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I know that the guilt I feel for all that I've done is what has me flip flopping. I'm tired of hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. My therapist says I need to learn how to not feel guilt but to feel empathy instead. I guess I need to work harder on that.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

 

(((Lillyp32))) Are you sure we aren't married to the same man

 

Wow your M is exactly like mine! You probably detached a long time ago!

[Birdies]

I'm tired of hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. My therapist says I need to learn how to not feel guilt but to feel empathy instead. I guess I need to work harder on that.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

 

That's a good way to think of it. You can feel for the person and their pain, but you shouldn't feel guilty for putting YOU first! You deserve it. It makes me really sad to think of you suffering through an emotionally abusive relationship for the entirety of your marriage. You deserve to be free of that and to live life on your own terms. You can do it!!!!!

[sandylee1]

Lilly,

 

With your reply to my post, I really don't see that you should even consider getting back with him. He's never been a model husband and once again, I have to say that this affair you had, probably suprised him more than anything else.

 

Here he has a woman who married him despite his cheating before marriage and did the same all the way through pretty much. He grew confident that for some reason (perhaps your fear of a broken home), that you wouldn't leave him and would be faithful no matter what.

 

So imagine his shock when he was on the receiving end and you weren't begging like he was. From everything you've said, I'm sure it would have only been a matter of time, before you caught him cheating ... except you'd pretty much detached from him and couldn't care less by that point.

 

This isn't a marriage with fantastic memories and I think you should stand firm in your position of not reconciling and learning to coparent.

 

Don't let him grind you down on this one.

[ladydesigner]

That's a good way to think of it. You can feel for the person and their pain, but you shouldn't feel guilty for putting YOU first! You deserve it. It makes me really sad to think of you suffering through an emotionally abusive relationship for the entirety of your marriage. You deserve to be free of that and to live life on your own terms. You can do it!!!!!

 

I needed to read this today! Thank you!

[ladydesigner]

Lilly,

 

With your reply to my post, I really don't see that you should even consider getting back with him. He's never been a model husband and once again, I have to say that this affair you had, probably suprised him more than anything else.

 

Here he has a woman who married him despite his cheating before marriage and did the same all the way through pretty much. He grew confident that for some reason (perhaps your fear of a broken home), that you wouldn't leave him and would be faithful no matter what.

 

So imagine his shock when he was on the receiving end and you weren't begging like he was. From everything you've said, I'm sure it would have only been a matter of time, before you caught him cheating ... except you'd pretty much detached from him and couldn't care less by that point.

 

This isn't a marriage with fantastic memories and I think you should stand firm in your position of not reconciling and learning to coparent.

 

Don't let him grind you down on this one.

 

Wow great posts! Keep them coming. How are you today Lilly?

[Lillyp32]

Lilly,

 

With your reply to my post, I really don't see that you should even consider getting back with him. He's never been a model husband and once again, I have to say that this affair you had, probably suprised him more than anything else.

 

Here he has a woman who married him despite his cheating before marriage and did the same all the way through pretty much. He grew confident that for some reason (perhaps your fear of a broken home), that you wouldn't leave him and would be faithful no matter what.

 

So imagine his shock when he was on the receiving end and you weren't begging like he was. From everything you've said, I'm sure it would have only been a matter of time, before you caught him cheating ... except you'd pretty much detached from him and couldn't care less by that point.

 

This isn't a marriage with fantastic memories and I think you should stand firm in your position of not reconciling and learning to coparent.

 

Don't let him grind you down on this one.

 

Sandy, your words couldn't be any more true! I agree with Lady, keep posting. You have helped me so much!

 

Lady, I'm not doing all that great today. I had a conversation with my husband last night and told him for the millionth time that I didn't have it in me to continue in our marriage. My feelings were glossed over and I got to hear how different he is, how happy he can make me, etc. it sofented me again so I went by today after work to say hi. He immediately looked at what I was wearing and became a complete a**! I was told I looked "unprofessional" and "desperate". I got a good lecture about it which was completely ridiculous. I'm in no way dressed in an inappropriate way. I just look nice and that's never been ok with him. I left, he ran to my car and begged me to stay. Changed his tune. Tried to blame my "attitude" as being the problem. He couldn't see that I came over to say hi and got dumped on. All of this happened in front of my daughter too. It's so sad. Anyways, he of course called me and sent me several texts after I left. I told him once again, that I am done and that we need to move on separately. I'm currently trying to stand my ground and not answer his calls or texts. I'm trying to get out of this cycle of abuse and it's exhausting.

 

Im just so very tired

[CommittedToThis]

it softened me again

 

Feeling a bit sick reading about your recent escapade, Lillyp32. That's what used to kill me, too, with my abusive ex (uNPDgf). She'd soften me up with nice behavior and when my resolve crumbled she'd be right back to being an abusive twit.

 

Eventually after 9 years I had no resolve left to crumble, so I made my escape. It's been over a year now and life is great, unfathomable, really, without all the attendant drama of the ex.

 

Lillyp32, I wish you a swift and painless escape. At some point you'll realize you just cannot trust your H when he is acting like a normal human being, that he will always resort to hurting you again, or at least repeating his behaviors (and likely escalating over the years).

 

(((Lillyp32)))

[Herbalist]

This thread reminds me of my mother. I watched it all go down from inside our home, so it wasn't a matter of he-said-she-said in the end, not for me anyway, because I saw nearly everything as an older kid.

 

My father cheated on her several times, twice got her sick with an STI as a result, because he didn't really do affairs, he did hookups and sometimes prostitutes. He was abusive in other ways, as well, and an alcoholic. She tried to get him to go to counseling, but he was only willing to do 'counseling' with the church pastor, because he knew the pastor would automatically side with him on everything and basically tell my mother to shut up. My mother went emotionally dead to the marriage and she eventually had an affair (mostly emotional/talking as it was long distance). The guy she had an affair with was also a narcissistic d-bag. She divorced my father shortly after, dumped the other d-bag and then got therapy and spent time with friends and slowly healed.

 

I wished she would have divorced my father sooner instead of band-aiding the situation with an affair and dragging the whole terrible situation on much longer than necessary, but what was done was done. She went through some very dark months, mentally and emotionally. I was a younger teen at the time and I remember staying up some nights with her until like 4AM just to talk with her and make sure she was okay because she was always on the verge of a breakdown.

 

But she did get through it. It took about a year honestly before she was really in a good place again, emotionally and mentally. Her marriage had been 20 years, though. Now it has been over 10 years since then. She got herself a great career, a new marriage, which is still not perfect and they still have issues but still 1000x better than the first marriage. She's a lot stronger than she used to be. Things turned out okay for her in the end, though.

 

Just sharing my story to say I've seen it, from start to finish, as far as seen someone in your shoes, and it took a while but things got so much better.

[ladydesigner]

Sandy, your words couldn't be any more true! I agree with Lady, keep posting. You have helped me so much!

 

Lady, I'm not doing all that great today. I had a conversation with my husband last night and told him for the millionth time that I didn't have it in me to continue in our marriage. My feelings were glossed over and I got to hear how different he is, how happy he can make me, etc. it sofented me again so I went by today after work to say hi. He immediately looked at what I was wearing and became a complete a**! I was told I looked "unprofessional" and "desperate". I got a good lecture about it which was completely ridiculous. I'm in no way dressed in an inappropriate way. I just look nice and that's never been ok with him. I left, he ran to my car and begged me to stay. Changed his tune. Tried to blame my "attitude" as being the problem. He couldn't see that I came over to say hi and got dumped on. All of this happened in front of my daughter too. It's so sad. Anyways, he of course called me and sent me several texts after I left. I told him once again, that I am done and that we need to move on separately. I'm currently trying to stand my ground and not answer his calls or texts. I'm trying to get out of this cycle of abuse and it's exhausting.

 

Im just so very tired

 

(((Lillyp32))) Hang in there and be strong keep reminding yourself of why you want to leave (that is what I have to keep doing because my STBXH is acting EXACTLY like yours).

 

Mine told me last night that he still is in love with me and feels like he deserves another chance. Are you f**king kidding me my head has been spinning. Thank god we haven't spoken at all today. NC seems to work the best, but is nearly impossible with kids *fml*

[sandylee1]

 

Sandy, your words couldn't be any more true! I agree with Lady, keep posting. You have helped me so much!

 

Your most welcome.

 

Lady, I'm not doing all that great today. I had a conversation with my husband last night and told him for the millionth time that I didn't have it in me to continue in our marriage. My feelings were glossed over and I got to hear how different he is, how happy he can make me, etc. it sofented me again so I went by today after work to say hi. He immediately looked at what I was wearing and became a complete a**! I was told I looked "unprofessional" and "desperate". I got a good lecture about it which was completely ridiculous. I'm in no way dressed in an inappropriate way. I just look nice and that's never been ok with him. I left, he ran to my car and begged me to stay. Changed his tune. Tried to blame my "attitude" as being the problem. He couldn't see that I came over to say hi and got dumped on. All of this happened in front of my daughter too. It's so sad. Anyways, he of course called me and sent me several texts after I left. I told him once again, that I am done and that we need to move on separately. I'm currently trying to stand my ground and not answer his calls or texts. I'm trying to get out of this cycle of abuse and it's exhausting.

 

Im just so very tired

 

Lilly,

 

I'd say the events of today are your proof, (if you were ever in doubt) that he hasn't changed one bit. It's all an act to get you back as you suspected. You need to trust your gut more, because you were right. He can't sustain the act for long enough.

 

He didn't care that your daughter witnessed his outburst and was fine with bringing you down. He is jealous of you and your new found strength. He sees you looking nice and the truth is .... he realises that you look great and he thinks you'll attract other men and that means you won't come back to him. He wants you walking round looking drab.

 

I bet he was just fine with how all his OW dressed. I doubt they looked professional. Maybe it's the Madonna whore complex in his head.

 

It's more exerting his control like he's always done in your marriage, but he clearly forgot for a moment, that you aren't under his clutches anymore. He can't and won't take responsibility, he'd rather blame you. Sadly, the truth is that even if he loves you, he's never respected you enough to be faithful to you. Not before your marriage or during the marriage.

 

What he's shown you, is who he really is. Many BWs say they want the man they married back, but in your case it's a whole different case.

 

It's fine to admit/accept that marrying him was a mistake, but youth and your pregnancy at the time influenced your decision, however staying with him would be an even bigger mistake.

 

He really doesn't deserve you as his wife and I'm hoping you can stay strong and stand firm on that.

[seren]

Lilly, the way your husband is treating you reminds me of the way some WH treat their wife when they are having an A. The constant picking a fight, then trying to make out they have done nothing, that it's all your (general you) fault, that whatever you do just isn't good enough. It is done to make them feel superior and you at fault. I wonder if they are even aware they are doing it, it is the systematic breaking down of a person while denying they are doing it. It can make a person feel crazy and that their reality isn't how it really is. It is also emotional abuse and cannot continue for your sake and for the sake of your child.

 

Make plans Lilly, get your ducks in a row and then tell him when you are leaving, if you don't feel safe doing that have someone with you or in the house when you do, then leave.

 

Starting again with a small child is frightening, but it not impossible. I left my ex for the same reason, I used to think I was going crazy, that anything and everything I did was wrong. Me and my son left Germany for the UK with a pushchair and 2 suitcases, lived in a hostel for a while and we never looked back, not for a moment. I was happier, my boy was happier and while it was hard, we made it out the other side. if I had stayed I think I would have lost myself completely. You, me, everyone deserves better, this is a very toxic relationship, not good for either of you and it needs to end.

 

I saw the same traits start when H was in an A. he would say I had X, Y or Z and I knew I hadn't, but it made me feel very unsettled, I put a stop to it once I recognised what was happening. I forgave him as it was a symptom of his Combat Stress, without that, I would have left.

 

I don't know if you have support or family who could help, time to have a plan and stick to it. I wish you all the very, very best of wishes. Everyone deserves to be happy, it is a short time we are here, we owe it to ourselves and our children to make it the best it can be. xxx seren

[Lillyp32]

Feeling a bit sick reading about your recent escapade, Lillyp32. That's what used to kill me, too, with my abusive ex (uNPDgf). She'd soften me up with nice behavior and when my resolve crumbled she'd be right back to being an abusive twit.

 

Eventually after 9 years I had no resolve left to crumble, so I made my escape. It's been over a year now and life is great, unfathomable, really, without all the attendant drama of the ex.

 

Lillyp32, I wish you a swift and painless escape. At some point you'll realize you just cannot trust your H when he is acting like a normal human being, that he will always resort to hurting you again, or at least repeating his behaviors (and likely escalating over the years).

 

(((Lillyp32)))

 

I think I'm starting to get to that point. It's hard to break the cycle, especially when it's been happening for 15 years. It's like he's learned all of my weaknesses. He's learned all of the things that have hurt me and will hurt me. He's learned what softens me. Then he exploits them. It's like no matter what I do or what he does, I'm the problem. I sometimes wonder if even knows he's being abusive. Yesterday he tried to blame what happened on me. My "attitude" about what he said was the problem in his eyes. I apparently took it the wrong way, he was just expressing an opinion after all. Isn't he allowed to have opinions? A part of me thinks he really believes this. Then when I stand up for myself, he sort of backpedals while somehow placing the blame on me. All of a sudden he realizes he was abusive BUT I need to react to it differently. I need to learn how to communicate to him that what he's doing/saying is abusive/hurtful in a different way. Maybe that's true. I honestly don't have it in me to do that. I've told him that. I'm f'ing tired. I'm tired of trying to fix him. I'm tired of trying to make him see himself clearly. I just TIRED.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly,

 

I'd say the events of today are your proof, (if you were ever in doubt) that he hasn't changed one bit. It's all an act to get you back as you suspected. You need to trust your gut more, because you were right. He can't sustain the act for long enough.

 

He didn't care that your daughter witnessed his outburst and was fine with bringing you down. He is jealous of you and your new found strength. He sees you looking nice and the truth is .... he realises that you look great and he thinks you'll attract other men and that means you won't come back to him. He wants you walking round looking drab.

 

I bet he was just fine with how all his OW dressed. I doubt they looked professional. Maybe it's the Madonna whore complex in his head.

 

It's more exerting his control like he's always done in your marriage, but he clearly forgot for a moment, that you aren't under his clutches anymore. He can't and won't take responsibility, he'd rather blame you. Sadly, the truth is that even if he loves you, he's never respected you enough to be faithful to you. Not before your marriage or during the marriage.

 

What he's shown you, is who he really is. Many BWs say they want the man they married back, but in your case it's a whole different case.

 

It's fine to admit/accept that marrying him was a mistake, but youth and your pregnancy at the time influenced your decision, however staying with him would be an even bigger mistake.

 

He really doesn't deserve you as his wife and I'm hoping you can stay strong and stand firm on that.

 

He hasn't deserved me ever. I have stuck by him and loved him with everything I had but it has never been good enough. Not once. His behavior has somehow always been my fault. I have never done right in his eyes. It has beaten me done into someone I don't even recognize. Even on the way to counseling last week he asked me a question, I answered, he was annoyed and I immediately felt bad for what I said. I apologized even though I hadn't said anything that was wrong. That was annoying to him. I broke down and just starting crying. I told him that he made me like this. I let loose so much hurt and pain that he's given me. So many things he's said and done that have broken me. He apologized BUT once again, his actions were caused by ME. I caused him to feel unloved over the year that MADE him lash out at me. "It's always been something with me," he says. WTF is that? I told him that I don't give two s**** if it's always been something with me, no one ever deserves to be treated the way he's treated me. The sad thing of it is, I worshiped the ground he walked on. I treated him with so much love and respect. I spent my life building him up and trying my a** off to make him feel loved and adored. I put my wants, needs and hurt aside to try and make him happy. To try and make "us" work. He just didn't care to see it. The more I think about what you said in a previous post the more truth I find in it. I have allowed him to mistreat me for so long that he really thought I would always stay in the marriage. That I would always be the devoted, loyal wife. That he couldn't ever do a thing to lose me. His control over me is slipping away. He sees strength and confidence starting to come out of me. He sees me actually setting boundaries and sticking to them and he is terrified. Terrified of losing control. Terrified of losing me.

[Lillyp32]

(((Lillyp32))) Hang in there and be strong keep reminding yourself of why you want to leave (that is what I have to keep doing because my STBXH is acting EXACTLY like yours).

 

Mine told me last night that he still is in love with me and feels like he deserves another chance. Are you f**king kidding me my head has been spinning. Thank god we haven't spoken at all today. NC seems to work the best, but is nearly impossible with kids *fml*

 

Thank you Lady! Mine has said the same thing. He says he loves me so much and really wants a chance to show me how great we could be. How many chances does someone get? I've given him a million chances and he's pissed on the all. It's sickening and I'm so done trying. I just don't have it in me.

 

How are you doing with everything?

[Lillyp32]

This thread reminds me of my mother. I watched it all go down from inside our home, so it wasn't a matter of he-said-she-said in the end, not for me anyway, because I saw nearly everything as an older kid.

 

My father cheated on her several times, twice got her sick with an STI as a result, because he didn't really do affairs, he did hookups and sometimes prostitutes. He was abusive in other ways, as well, and an alcoholic. She tried to get him to go to counseling, but he was only willing to do 'counseling' with the church pastor, because he knew the pastor would automatically side with him on everything and basically tell my mother to shut up. My mother went emotionally dead to the marriage and she eventually had an affair (mostly emotional/talking as it was long distance). The guy she had an affair with was also a narcissistic d-bag. She divorced my father shortly after, dumped the other d-bag and then got therapy and spent time with friends and slowly healed.

 

I wished she would have divorced my father sooner instead of band-aiding the situation with an affair and dragging the whole terrible situation on much longer than necessary, but what was done was done. She went through some very dark months, mentally and emotionally. I was a younger teen at the time and I remember staying up some nights with her until like 4AM just to talk with her and make sure she was okay because she was always on the verge of a breakdown.

 

But she did get through it. It took about a year honestly before she was really in a good place again, emotionally and mentally. Her marriage had been 20 years, though. Now it has been over 10 years since then. She got herself a great career, a new marriage, which is still not perfect and they still have issues but still 1000x better than the first marriage. She's a lot stronger than she used to be. Things turned out okay for her in the end, though.

 

Just sharing my story to say I've seen it, from start to finish, as far as seen someone in your shoes, and it took a while but things got so much better.

 

Im so sorry you had to go through that as a child Thank you for sharing it. I see a change in my kids since I've separated from husband. They seem happier and lighter. I know the environment was so toxic for them. I feel awful for not having the strength to leave sooner. I'd spent many nights over the past year crying because of what my kids have had to see. I know it's had to have affected them in some way. I wish I could've done this long ago. It would have been better for all of us.

[CommittedToThis]

The more I think about what you said in a previous post the more truth I find in it. I have allowed him to mistreat me for so long that he really thought I would always stay in the marriage.

 

My uNPDexgf felt the same way -- like I'd never, ever leave her no matter how bad she treated me.

 

I guess I got lucky; a year ago she sneered at me, "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be and you need to admit it."

 

She'd used the "I'm more of a man than you are" thing a million times but she'd never gone so stupidly far as to tell me I had to admit it.

 

I thought about it and realized I'd either have to admit she was more of a man than me, hand her my testicles in a paper sack, and accept that I was in a cuckold situation at best, or I could just walk away from the tornado of confusion and be a true to myself and my "manhood" (whatever that's supposed to mean, I just try to be a good and responsible person).

 

She was shocked when I walked and I haven't looked back; we went NC for awhile and she snuck back in under the guise of having some of my possessions, and she's still up to her same tricks.

 

Nothing has changed.

 

I was considering letting her come see my new house and bring me the last of my stuff this weekend, but apparently I didn't confirm the plans fast enough for her liking because she told me she'd made other plans with a nice new man she'd recently met.

 

She then texted about 500 words about how sweet and nice this new guy is.

 

I told her I was happy for her and next time, if she needed confirmation from me due to other plans, to let me know.

 

Suddenly she says she doesn't actually have a date with this guy, she could have plans with him if she wanted, and did I still want her to come up this weekend?

 

Facepalm.

 

It helped me realize, folks with personality disorders are rarely capable of change.

[BluesPower]

My wife only started to get better when I stopped trying to fix her.

 

I started to gain clarity a few months before she actually got sober and more clarity after she got sober. Before she stopped using drugs I was always the problem.

 

Over time I really thought that I was going crazy, how could I not understand what I was doing wrong? Turns out that I never did anything wrong, well almost never.

 

So about this time, she gets her first DUI after all these years of me protecting her and enabling her. So when she called from jail, I just politely hung up the phone. She got herself into the situation she could get herself out of it.

 

By that time I had learned to detach from her and let her sink or swim on her own.

 

Oddly enough, I was still able to do that when she got sober. And I was able to encourage her to find her voice and communicate more effectively with the help of her therapy and MC.

 

But the point is she would have never gotten better if I had not pulled back and stop trying to fix her. It also helped me to realize that I was not crazy after all, well not completely crazy anyway.

 

You need to detach from your husband and try to live your life. My wife got better and we are working on it but I just think your husband is to far gone and you are too damaged by his abuse to continue.

[sandylee1]

I see a change in my kids since I've separated from husband. They seem happier and lighter. I know the environment was so toxic for them. I feel awful for not having the strength to leave sooner. I'd spent many nights over the past year crying because of what my kids have had to see. I know it's had to have affected them in some way. I wish I could've done this long ago. It would have been better for all of us.

 

 

Hang on to that thought whenever you think of going back and remember .... better late than never to leave for good.

 

My ex SIL was convinced my brother wouldn't leave her (not affair related), but whenever he said somethinghe wasn't happy with, he was met with "do you want to get divorced". Which just shut him up.

 

Then he decided the next time she said it, he'd take her up on it. In true fashion, she said it and he said .. "Yes, I do."

 

She couldn't believe it.

 

They're divorced and he's happily remarried. Point is .... she never thought he'd leave her.

 

Stay strong Lilly.

[Lillyp32]

I contacted lawyer today and am finally one million percent sure that the divorce is what I need. I'm waiting for a call back and am going to schedule app to get the divorce filed! AND I don't even feel guilty for it, Just relieved and happy to finally get my life back and move one

 

There have been a few events that occurred over the past couple of days that showed my husbands changed man act was just that, an act. It's really helped me to see things clearly. The biggest thing being that he is still physiologically abusive to my teenager when I'm not around. He's also involved my younger child in our grown up problems by crying to her and saying things like, "I wish mommy loved me" and "I wish you guys would move back in but mommy won't do it", How do you say things like that to a 9 year old? That's beyond wrong to put problems like that on a child. He also gave his phone number to a female neighbor and told her all of our problems and doesn't see a thing wrong with it since he was just being "nice". All the while he's been BEGGING me to give him another chance and going on and on about how much he's changed. Cry me a river. I'm done and couldn't feel happier about it.

 

Anyways, just wanted to update all of you who have posted on my thread! Your support and words of encouragement have been beyond helpful! Here's to moving on and healing