his wife is pregnant now what?

[Sophie12]

This does not sound stupid. It's exactly how I ended up in my A for 2.5 years. If I could go back, I would've stuck to NC and not given in when i got the "I miss you and I'm going crazy without you" emails.

 

In the end, this A isn't worth the pain it will cause to everyone involved including yourself. Please walk away now and go NC. It will be hard at first but you can do it.

 

How long did take of NC for yours to end? That's what I do as soon as I get that message I give in then go right back to the beginning, I know the pain will only get worse one the baby is here etc

[Sophie12]

It doesn't sound stupid at all. I have been the other woman before so I understand how you feel. Do not worry about him and do not put him first. The same person who claims to love you will treat you badly when his wife finds out. Trust me that will hurt you even worse. Please start planning on leaving if not now but soon.

 

I know he will always choose her over me but I do still put him first and treat him so much better than he does me, I know I need to let go and move on

[dreamingoftigers]

I know he will always choose her over me but I do still put him first and treat him so much better than he does me, I know I need to let go and move on

 

Oh please. He's not choosing her over you. He's choosing being a selfish jerk to everyone.

[Lillyp32]

How long did take of NC for yours to end? That's what I do as soon as I get that message I give in then go right back to the beginning, I know the pain will only get worse one the baby is here etc

 

I had a dday and was sent a NC email. There were parts of that email that hurt bad. He went from "I love you, you're so wonderful" to "I do not love you, do not contact me again" in a matter of hours. There were several hurtful thing said to me in that email that weren't necessary to make the point of "we're over." I bet the same would happen to you in the event of a dday.

 

As of now, I'm 11 days NC. I don't plan on breaking NC, even if he's stupid enough to eventually break it. It's done. End of story. I'm worth more than the crumbs he gave me and guess what, so are you.

Edited October 9, 2016 by Lillyp32

[Sophie12]

I had a dday and was sent a NC email. There were parts of that email that hurt bad. He went from "I love you, you're so wonderful" to "I do not love you, do not contact me again" in a matter of hours. There were several hurtful thing said to me in that email that weren't necessary to make the point of "we're over." I bet the same would happen to you in the event of a dday.

 

As of now, I'm 11 days NC. I don't plan on breaking NC, even if he's stupid enough to eventually break it. It's done. End of story.

 

I think your right I think it would turn nasty if I was to do the same as you, 11 days is really good I completely understand how hard that must have been for you I hope I can be that strong and do the same

 

Your right we are so much better than what they give us I know some people will think we are wrong etc but it's hard for us too

[whichwayisup]

Hey,

 

My ex boyfriend who I've been having an affair with for the last 18 months told me last week his wife just fond out she was pregnant. I really don't know how I'm meant to react its really upset me eve though I knew it would happen one day it still But when finding out! He is saying nothing will change even when the baby is here and that he will still want to see me but I know that wont happen I completely understand he's whole life is going to change I don't know if I should be ending it now before it gets too hard plus I know its terrible on his pregnant wife.

 

I'm not asking for sympathy or anyone to judge me just some support please

 

Do you really want to be involved with him knowing he's about to have a baby with his wife? Even continue the affair once the baby is born? I hope you find the strength, love and respect for yourself to end it and walk away.

[ShatteredLady]

Sophie. When you first joined this forum at the beginning of NOVEMBER 2013!!! The very first response you received advised you to stop all contact with him (go NC) if you had followed that you would be free by now.

 

YOU might even be married & expecting your first child!!

 

2013 - You were splitting-up because he's Muslim & his family had arranged a marriage.

 

2014 - You were having an affair but splitting-up because of he was ENGAGED. Then they got married.

 

2015 - You were having an affair with him STILL & needing to get out because he was MARRIED.

 

2016 - You're STILL having an affair with this married man who is expecting a CHILD!!

 

2017 - You need to split-up because he's a MARRIED FATHER.

 

2018 - Oh no she's pregnant again!!

 

 

He met & started dating you knowing that you are not a Muslim. Did you ever discuss you changing religions? They DAY that you first met he knew it was only temporary. What did you expect to happen?

 

I know that neither of you live by the laws of your religions but he clearly has no intention of going against his family EVER. In the YEARS that you've been stuck in this affair you haven't followed any advise to help yourself because you love him so much....If you love him truly, unselfishly, do it FOR HIM! Even looking at you lustfully, even touching you (non Muslim), cheating on his wife, ALL of it condemns him under his faith.

 

So....Back to the first piece of advise in 2013. Stop all contact with him!!

 

* Do it for YOU because you are wasting your life & causing yourself so much pain.

 

* Do it for his WIFE. She is completely innocent & you are complicit in destroying so much of her. Imagine learning that your H has been cheating on you since before you were even married?!? EMPATHY. She will be shamed before her whole family & community. Her faith in love, life, marriage & men will be forever broken.

 

* Do it for that innocent BABY. If she finds out now the stress could make her have a miscarriage or premature birth. Think of the home life that child will have.

 

* Do it for him! I think he's pathetic. He has ZERO compassion for YOU, his wife, his own child, his family, his religion (which is apparently so important on face value) & his community. He's weak & betraying everyone & everything, even himself!!

 

* JUST DO IT!! The sooner you cut him off & go NC, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Growing-up did you aspire to being the secret mistress of a married father? There are very few things lower than committing adultery & returning home to place those same hands on your pregnant wife's tummy. :sick:

 

You have the power to stop all of this right now. Every morning you wake & CHOOSE to do this. It's that simple!

 

(& probably the hardest most complicated thing you will of done so far in your life!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sophie. When you first joined this forum at the beginning of NOVEMBER 2013!!! The very first response you received advised you to stop all contact with him (go NC) if you had followed that you would be free by now.

 

YOU might even be married & expecting your first child!!

 

2013 - You were splitting-up because he's Muslim & his family had arranged a marriage.

 

2014 - You were having an affair but splitting-up because of he was ENGAGED. Then they got married.

 

2015 - You were having an affair with him STILL & needing to get out because he was MARRIED.

 

2016 - You're STILL having an affair with this married man who is expecting a CHILD!!

 

2017 - You need to split-up because he's a MARRIED FATHER.

 

2018 - Oh no she's pregnant again!!

 

 

He met & started dating you knowing that you are not a Muslim. Did you ever discuss you changing religions? They DAY that you first met he knew it was only temporary. What did you expect to happen?

 

I know that neither of you live by the laws of your religions but he clearly has no intention of going against his family EVER. In the YEARS that you've been stuck in this affair you haven't followed any advise to help yourself because you love him so much....If you love him truly, unselfishly, do it FOR HIM! Even looking at you lustfully, even touching you (non Muslim), cheating on his wife, ALL of it condemns him under his faith.

 

So....Back to the first piece of advise in 2013. Stop all contact with him!!

 

* Do it for YOU because you are wasting your life & causing yourself so much pain.

 

* Do it for his WIFE. She is completely innocent & you are complicit in destroying so much of her. Imagine learning that your H has been cheating on you since before you were even married?!? EMPATHY. She will be shamed before her whole family & community. Her faith in love, life, marriage & men will be forever broken.

 

* Do it for that innocent BABY. If she finds out now the stress could make her have a miscarriage or premature birth. Think of the home life that child will have.

 

* Do it for him! I think he's pathetic. He has ZERO compassion for YOU, his wife, his own child, his family, his religion (which is apparently so important on face value) & his community. He's weak & betraying everyone & everything, even himself!!

 

* JUST DO IT!! The sooner you cut him off & go NC, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Growing-up did you aspire to being the secret mistress of a married father? There are very few things lower than committing adultery & returning home to place those same hands on your pregnant wife's tummy. :sick:

 

You have the power to stop all of this right now. Every morning you wake & CHOOSE to do this. It's that simple!

 

(& probably the hardest most complicated thing you will of done so far in your life!

 

Omg, this is so much worse. You are being kept on the side as a mistress or concubine. This has a cultural aspect to it (which I am trying hard to not touch with a 10 foot pole). This horrifies me and you need to get out of this. The situation makes my skin crawl. Better you move to Utah and marry a guy with other wives where at least its all out in the open and you have some dignity.

 

OP, you deserve so much better than this.

[wmacbride]

I know this might sound rude, but I don't mean for it to.

 

it sounds like you have very little self esteem if you are accepting the way he treats you. If you build yourself up, maybe you will see you can do better and then detaching won't be so hard.

 

the first step is to take a cold, hard look at what finding out her husband is cheating can do to a pregnant woman. Do you really want to be a part of that?

that's step one is finding you way back to yourself.

 

Step two it to begin to build yourself up and also construct a life without him in it. Take a trip, join a class, do something, anything that gets you out and around other people without him. Leave your phone at home so you can't keep checking for texts from him. Be open to meeting new people and making new friends. You'll relearn a lot of good things you may have forgotten about yourself.

 

The stronger you get and the better you feel about yourself , the easier it will be for you to see you don't need him in your life. If you feel yourself wavering, think of the innocent baby and how you are doing your best to give him or her the best start in life that you can by not being involved with his or her father before he or she is born.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Don't you think it's time for you to stop listening to this dreadful mans claptrap now?

 

That's what he does...spews out the same old horse manure to both you and the poor woman who married him.

 

That poor wee baby.....

[aileD]

Do you really want to be the girl who has a part in ruining that kids life?

 

Times up. game over. A kid is involved now. dad might be a cheater and ruin this kids life anyway, but at least if it's. it with YOU that should give you some peace of mind.

 

You're better than that!!!!! Cmon honey. The fact he said "even when the baby comes things won't be different with us" just PROVES he's using you as his chick on the side.

 

He'll never leave his wife. You know that right? He didn't leave her before the kid, he's definitely not going to leave her now.

 

Do you want a hidden, mistress life for this man?

 

You deserve someone who can take you out and show you off and someone you can bring to family Christmas dinner, someone who's mom loves you.

 

It isn't him. It never will be....especially now with the baby.

[malvern99]

Omg, this is so much worse. You are being kept on the side as a mistress or concubine. This has a cultural aspect to it (which I am trying hard to not touch with a 10 foot pole).

 

I really don't see how culture plays a part in this at all. How is OP's situation different to any other OW who is simply a "mistress or concubine"? There are plenty of OW on this board who've been their AP's "concubine or mistress" for years, but I've never heard culture brought up.

[ShatteredLady]

This whole story is presented as some Romeo & Juliet tale. Star crossed lovers separated by religion.

 

He is using culture to explain & excuse this affair. I want to keep my 10ft pole out of this too but there are added complexities here. Just ask his wife & unborn child if culture changes the way they will be viewed & their options!!

 

If the OP doesn't believe that culture plays a HUGE part in how she's treated & viewed by her MM AP she's very naive.

 

If culture wasn't relevant they would be married if he was so in love with her wouldn't they? (They were together in a sexual relationship long before he met his wife) She was ok to date & have sex with. She's an adequate affair partner. That's ALL about culture!!

[malvern99]

This whole story is presented as some Romeo & Juliet tale. Star crossed lovers separated by religion.

 

He is using culture to explain & excuse this affair. I want to keep my 10ft pole out of this too but there are added complexities here. Just ask his wife & unborn child if culture changes the way they will be viewed & their options!!

 

Almost every MM who strings his OW along has some excuse for why they can't take their star crossed relationship to the next level. It's either children, money, or whatever they think will elicit the least questions from OW. He is absolutely using culture and religion (because let's be honest, that is really what we are talking about here) as his excuse because he knows that shuts down any legitimate talk of a shared future for good, while leaving the impression that he still loves her. It's a ready made excuse for him, because he sets a scene where this situation are beyond his control, and as such, he can't do anything to change it, so as the OW, Sophie can either take it or leave it. We all know that is bull.

 

Ask yourself this, if culture or religion was so important to him, would he be having an extramarital affair?

 

If the OP doesn't believe that culture plays a HUGE part in how she's treated & viewed by her MM AP she's very naive.

 

If culture wasn't relevant they would be married if he was so in love with her wouldn't they? (They were together in a sexual relationship long before he met his wife) She was ok to date & have sex with. She's an adequate affair partner. That's ALL about culture!!

 

Why do you assume he is/was so in love with her? Isn't it easier to assume that he just didn't want a future with her, but wanted to keep her around? Why seek out exotic answers while ignoring the simplest solution in front of our noses? I dated and had sex with a few women before getting married. That doesn't mean I wanted to marry any of those women, and that has nothing to do with "culture". I just didn't see a future with them is all. I am sure many people can relate to that. Just because you date a person doesn't mean you'd marry them.

[Onlywhenitrains]

His wife is pregnant now what??? Is the question???

 

Now, you walk away. From him and anything and everything that has to do with him.

 

It takes, strength, determination, discipline and responsibility. It's hard, devastating, heart-breaking, painful, and sad. I know a little something about it.

 

Do you want to be happy, happy with someone who loves you, and only you? Everybody does, so I assume you do, too.

 

You walk away. Now.

[AutumnMoon]

Pregnancy never stopped anything for us. Maybe slowed down and things shifted for a while but just bonded us more I feel.

[ShatteredLady]

They have been together since 2012? 2013? Long before he even knew that his 'appropriate', organized marraige wife even existed. This has so very much to do with culture & religion.

 

 

OP.

The same advise applies. Please go NC (No Contact) & stop this before you waste anymore of your life. Your MM knows, YOU know, everyone knows that you can NEVER be together as a legitimate couple & he will keep this affair going as long as he can. You are a suitable, usable mistress BUT you will never be an acceptable wife of respect.

 

You are complicit in destroying his wife's AND his unborn child's life. You knew that you should to go NC when he told you that he was getting married. You knew that you needed to go NC after his wedding day. You KNOW that you should go NC now that his wife is pregnant with his first child. What will it take for you to get out of this?

 

I know it must be incredibly hard for you. I really do. Can you think of it like this..... He may of met & fell in love with you, not meaning to BUT he still continued the relationship knowing that you were never going to be a suitable wife. I'm so sorry. I think that you care very deeply for him. How many years ago did you start dating him? It must be so hard! Ugh!

 

 

Will you answer some questions for me? Out of interest....

 

1. Had he dated non-Muslim women before you?

 

2. How far into your relationship did he tell you that he could NEVER have a real future with you?

 

3. Did you ever discuss him turning his back on his family, culture & marrying you?

 

4. Did you ever consider converting religions? Why not?

 

5. Was he distraught after hearing of his impending marriage?

 

6. What do YOU want to happen now? REALLY WANT?

 

7. Does he want you to be his 'mistress' for the rest of your lives?

 

8. Do you want children eventually? Would you consider having children with him as the secret family?

 

 

I'd like everyone (well, most people) to find their happiness. Your situation is so impossible & WILL cause you (even more) terrible pain. There's only one answer that could possibly bring you a future of joy & you know what it is don't you?

 

Please cut this man out of your life completely.

 

 

((((((Hugs))))))

[Arieswoman]

Sophie12,

My advice is simple - run.

 

If this all gets out into the open you're in big danger as he will paint you as a loose woman who pursued him and led him astray.

 

(All sexual misdemeanours are the woman's fault - according to strict Islamic teaching. If a woman gets raped - it's the woman who gets flogged.)

 

Then his wife's male relatives will come after you and make things very unpleasant for you.

 

Look up "honour killings" and you'll see what I mean ......

[sandylee1]

Sophie,

 

In the Muslim religion, he could get a second wife if his first wife agrees to it, but I doubt he even wants that to be you if anyone.

 

Did the question of you converting Islam ever come into question? Because many people do convert and the family would accept this.

 

Do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass you by. You have a MM who didn't have the balls to stand up to his family and marry you (if that'swhat he really wanted), or maybe it's a convenient excuse for him.

 

If time isn't taken, you'll still be the OW when his kids start school, graduate, get married and when he becomes a grandfather. No man is worth that. Stop delaying your chances of finding true love. Not a man who is happy to use you for his hidden pleasure. Aren't you worth more than that? Because if you don't think so, nobody else will.

[malvern99]

They have been together since 2012? 2013? Long before he even knew that his 'appropriate', organized marraige wife even existed. This has so very much to do with culture & religion.

 

From my understanding the A is 18 months old. How many OM/OW who post on this board have been with their AP's for just as long if not longer? I don't see how the length of the A has any cultural or religious significance. I don't buy into the idea that this MM is some poor victim of circumstance trapped by cultural mores he can't escape, and neither should OP. It makes for a great forbidden love story but unfortunately for OP, I would bet that is all it is. A story to keep the A going. Most times, the simplest answer is correct one. I'm more likely to believe this MM is a cake eater who wants both his wife and girlfriend on the side, and that the cultural stuff is a convenient excuse, because cake eaters come in all shapes, sizes and hues. We can agree to disagree on the cultural stuff.

 

I do agree with you though that OP should run from him as fast as she can but not because of his culture or religion. She is investing her most precious resource, her time, into someone who is not reciprocating. There is no future because MM chose his wife over her OP. The sooner she can embrace that fact, the sooner she will be able to truly live her own fulfilling life where she is no longer someones secret.

 

Sophie12,

My advice is simple - run.

 

If this all gets out into the open you're in big danger as he will paint you as a loose woman who pursued him and led him astray.

 

(All sexual misdemeanours are the woman's fault - according to strict Islamic teaching. If a woman gets raped - it's the woman who gets flogged.)

 

Then his wife's male relatives will come after you and make things very unpleasant for you.

 

Look up "honour killings" and you'll see what I mean ......

 

Holy sh*t! That escalated quickly

[wmacbride]

op,

why do you accept his poor treatment of you-beyond that "you love him".

 

People can love someone but that doesn't mean they should be with him. Why are you willing to accept poor treatment as being the price to pay for his love?

 

Aren't you worth more than that?

[Chica80]

OP...I know it's easy to believe he left you couldn't be with you because of his family religion etc. But really you are the one he loves the one he wants to be with.

 

Although this may be the case for some, and may be true in some instances....it does not appear to be that way for you.

 

I went back and read through some of your old post...He cheated on you when you were dating. Got married, has cheated on his wife and "continued to cheat on you with other women"

 

He told you he would never be faithful. His marriage is a cover up. To appear to be a "normal guy" With the wife and child family etc. Please leave him, now!! If this is the excuse you need than use it. You will forever only continue to be on the side...sex when he wants on his terms.

[ladydesigner]

OP...I know it's easy to believe he left you couldn't be with you because of his family religion etc. But really you are the one he loves the one he wants to be with.

 

Although this may be the case for some, and may be true in some instances....it does not appear to be that way for you.

 

I went back and read through some of your old post...He cheated on you when you were dating. Got married, has cheated on his wife and "continued to cheat on you with other women"

 

He told you he would never be faithful. His marriage is a cover up. To appear to be a "normal guy" With the wife and child family etc. Please leave him, now!! If this is the excuse you need than use it. You will forever only continue to be on the side...sex when he wants on his terms.

 

Yep I am convinced this is how my WH sees our M. He looks like a 'good family man' by staying with us. He has a good looking wife who makes a good living, kids are healthy and doing great in school. If only people knew the REAL him it would make their heads spin.

[spideywoman]

Sophie. When you first joined this forum at the beginning of NOVEMBER 2013!!! The very first response you received advised you to stop all contact with him (go NC) if you had followed that you would be free by now.

 

YOU might even be married & expecting your first child!!

 

2013 - You were splitting-up because he's Muslim & his family had arranged a marriage.

 

2014 - You were having an affair but splitting-up because of he was ENGAGED. Then they got married.

 

2015 - You were having an affair with him STILL & needing to get out because he was MARRIED.

 

2016 - You're STILL having an affair with this married man who is expecting a CHILD!!

 

2017 - You need to split-up because he's a MARRIED FATHER.

 

2018 - Oh no she's pregnant again!!

 

 

He met & started dating you knowing that you are not a Muslim. Did you ever discuss you changing religions? They DAY that you first met he knew it was only temporary. What did you expect to happen?

 

I know that neither of you live by the laws of your religions but he clearly has no intention of going against his family EVER. In the YEARS that you've been stuck in this affair you haven't followed any advise to help yourself because you love him so much....If you love him truly, unselfishly, do it FOR HIM! Even looking at you lustfully, even touching you (non Muslim), cheating on his wife, ALL of it condemns him under his faith.

 

So....Back to the first piece of advise in 2013. Stop all contact with him!!

 

* Do it for YOU because you are wasting your life & causing yourself so much pain.

 

* Do it for his WIFE. She is completely innocent & you are complicit in destroying so much of her. Imagine learning that your H has been cheating on you since before you were even married?!? EMPATHY. She will be shamed before her whole family & community. Her faith in love, life, marriage & men will be forever broken.

 

* Do it for that innocent BABY. If she finds out now the stress could make her have a miscarriage or premature birth. Think of the home life that child will have.

 

* Do it for him! I think he's pathetic. He has ZERO compassion for YOU, his wife, his own child, his family, his religion (which is apparently so important on face value) & his community. He's weak & betraying everyone & everything, even himself!!

 

* JUST DO IT!! The sooner you cut him off & go NC, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Growing-up did you aspire to being the secret mistress of a married father? There are very few things lower than committing adultery & returning home to place those same hands on your pregnant wife's tummy. :sick:

 

You have the power to stop all of this right now. Every morning you wake & CHOOSE to do this. It's that simple!

 

(& probably the hardest most complicated thing you will of done so far in your life!

 

A note to SL _ fantastic post. I just love it. You really took the time to lay out, in black and while, the OP's trajectory.

 

Sophie _ read what LS said several times and then again. This is all you need to know to either snap you out of this, or decide to remain as his OW.

 

Good luck to you.

[Chica80]

Yep I am convinced this is how my WH sees our M. He looks like a 'good family man' by staying with us. He has a good looking wife who makes a good living, kids are healthy and doing great in school. If only people knew the REAL him it would make their heads spin.

 

UGGHHH LD this makes me so sad....you deserve better than this!!!!!