He's Not Cheating on Her...But Where Do I Stand?

[LiterallyMyLife]

Hello, all.

 

I recently started talking to an old friend again. We both bonded to begin with over our shared interest in Tumblr and the fact that we go to the same school and are older than the typical college student.

 

We're both very curious people and as far as I can tell, we have no intentions of hooking up because I don't think we're suited for each other.

 

Anyway, we started talking again and we've been talking non stop for the past week as soon as we get up until we literally fall asleep (usually around 3am).

 

A lot of our conversations are sexual. Not in regards to each other though, more or less would you rather questions and sharing stories about past fun times.

 

The catch is, he has a girlfriend. He, himself is into poly relationships, but since his girlfriend isn't, he's sticking to that and he brings her up in conversation a lot and I can tell he really likes her. But the past few nights, he's been a little more risky? He sent me a picture (nothing nude) and told me he would stop if he was overstepping boundaries.

 

So now, I'm starting to feel weird. I do like him and I think if it weren't for his girlfriend, he would have already made advances. Even last night, she was upset about something and I told him he should be talking to her instead of me and he said that when she's like that, she doesn't really like to talk and then proceeded to talk to me until about 5am. Then messaged me as soon as he woke up this morning. I even kind of spilled the beans a bit, saying I liked him and he kept pushing for me to explain more and when I wouldn't, we both just agreed that feelings and emotions suck and left it at that.

 

I really don't know what to do. I should stop talking to him, I know. But we were friends before and right now there are no intentions to do anything.

[Space Ritual]

Once this situation goes tits up, which it will...he will conveniently put the entire blame on you and throw you under the bus to save his own ass.

 

 

 

For all you know this girl may have no idea at all either about you or that he is even talking to someone other than her.

 

Since you asked the question you obviously have some reservations about it.

 

But you two talking about sex and saying that you liked him is called the beginning of drama that is about to come into your life.

 

The fact that you even put that out there that you liked him stroked his ego enough that he will be more than happy to test the waters with you if he can, and his GF will be none the wiser.

 

In actuality, you are in a position that so many people pass up. You have the ability to nip this in the bud and put this to a screeching half before you get attached to someone that is not available.

 

You are being used for ego kibbles, while he has his girlfriend for his physical needs.

 

The choice is yours, but I would expect by the end of the year if you continue down this path with him you will wish you hadn't.

 

Do you really think a guy who actions online show a propensity to cheat on his girlfriend if the opportunity arose would not cheat on you, if you two actually got together?

 

Good Luck.

[JewelD]

You start off by saying that neither of you have any intentions of hooking up with each other because you're not suited for each other. Then you go on to talk about how you have sexual conversations and that you told him you like him. You know exactly what you're doing so don't bother trying to paint it as something innocent between friends.

 

He has a girlfriend and he's talking to you until 5 a.m. He is a liar and a scumbag. Surely you can find another friend to discuss Tumblr and college with? If you continue with this guy, it will not end well for you.

[LiterallyMyLife]

I know. I'm trying to prevent myself from getting attached. I don't want to come between them at all and I feel like I already have.

 

I've kept conversation to a minimum today.

[JewelD]

But you're still keeping your foot in the door because you like him. You need to cut it off entirely or you're just asking for trouble. For your own sake. You're not going to come between them, you're going to be used as a side chick and then left high and dry when it hits the fan.

[Redhead14]

Hello, all.

 

I recently started talking to an old friend again. We both bonded to begin with over our shared interest in Tumblr and the fact that we go to the same school and are older than the typical college student.

 

We're both very curious people and as far as I can tell, we have no intentions of hooking up because I don't think we're suited for each other.

 

Anyway, we started talking again and we've been talking non stop for the past week as soon as we get up until we literally fall asleep (usually around 3am).

 

A lot of our conversations are sexual. Not in regards to each other though, more or less would you rather questions and sharing stories about past fun times.

 

The catch is, he has a girlfriend. He, himself is into poly relationships, but since his girlfriend isn't, he's sticking to that and he brings her up in conversation a lot and I can tell he really likes her. But the past few nights, he's been a little more risky? He sent me a picture (nothing nude) and told me he would stop if he was overstepping boundaries.

 

So now, I'm starting to feel weird. I do like him and I think if it weren't for his girlfriend, he would have already made advances. Even last night, she was upset about something and I told him he should be talking to her instead of me and he said that when she's like that, she doesn't really like to talk and then proceeded to talk to me until about 5am. Then messaged me as soon as he woke up this morning. I even kind of spilled the beans a bit, saying I liked him and he kept pushing for me to explain more and when I wouldn't, we both just agreed that feelings and emotions suck and left it at that.

 

I really don't know what to do. I should stop talking to him, I know. But we were friends before and right now there are no intentions to do anything.

 

He's blowing smoke up your a** . . . he will/has cheated on her and if you let him, he will cheat with you. He's playing you and her. He, himself is into poly relationships -- he isn't sticking to her preference for monogamy

 

right now there are no intentions to do anything -- That may be what you're thinking but he does have intentions. Cut him off regardless of whether you were friends before or not. A friend doesn't try to drag another friend into a cheating scenario.

[BluesPower]

Space and Jewel are right.

 

You are trying to convince yourself not to sleep with him and not to get involved. So don't.

 

Do you realize that all the talking and texting with him is an emotional affair? Yes it is, you are already getting attached.

 

If you want to be with him, tell him to dump the GF, and see what happens. Otherwise, you will end up somewhere that you don't want to be

 

It is your choice, but I think you know what the right thing to do is.

[ChickiePops]

I know. I'm trying to prevent myself from getting attached. I don't want to come between them at all and I feel like I already have.

 

I've kept conversation to a minimum today.

 

Stop trying and do it. Just cut him off. You've only just reconnected..you can't be that attached to him yet. Stop before it gets ugly..deny it all you want but it's clear that you want him.

 

Don't let yourself turn into an ugly person. Don't be that girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're a little fun on the side, OP.

 

He is right now grooming you into doing more with him. But he'll stay with her anyway. I agree with the others, he's playing you and his girlfriend.

[LiterallyMyLife]

Update: The day I barely talked to him, he ended up be extremely flirty. I withdrew and he said he could leave me alone of I would like. Last night, in an attempt to at least save some of our friendship and to get things off my chest, I told him what I was thinking and how it's not right and he said since he's been cheated on before, he has no intention of doing it to her. But I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he's doing even if it's not physical.

Then I got quiet and he mentioned that he likes the attention which is complete you know what because he can get ALL the attention he wants from his girlfriend.

 

I'm keeping the conversations PG and if he attempts to derail them, I don't answer.

[JewelD]

Update: The day I barely talked to him, he ended up be extremely flirty. I withdrew and he said he could leave me alone of I would like. Last night, in an attempt to at least save some of our friendship and to get things off my chest, I told him what I was thinking and how it's not right and he said since he's been cheated on before, he has no intention of doing it to her. But I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he's doing even if it's not physical.

Then I got quiet and he mentioned that he likes the attention which is complete you know what because he can get ALL the attention he wants from his girlfriend.

 

I'm keeping the conversations PG and if he attempts to derail them, I don't answer.

 

Play with fire, get burned. There's nothing to save here, you've developed feelings for this taken man and professed those feelings to him. Do you honestly think you're going to have a successful platonic friendship after that?

 

If your conversations got XXX rated before, I'm sure it's only a matter of a time before they go back down that road. Why even allow a line of communication to be open for that? Find a better friend.

[LiterallyMyLife]

I know. And I know that I keep saying "I know".

 

I haven't had much luck in the friends department and for selfish reasons, I want to keep him around. I'd feel 100% better if his girlfriend knew I existed. From what he's told me, she and I have a lot in common as well.

I'm creating a mess out of nothing right now because I need a friend and he's showing me attention in a way I haven't really had before.

 

I don't want things to happen with him. I wouldn't let things happen with him. We haven't been alone together yet, so that's a plus.

 

I'm not emotionally distressed though. I don't feel any kind of emotional attachment whatsoever to him other than being his friend.

 

I don't know much about this type of thing nor do I want to. But it would seem like to me, if someone has the intention of cheating, they would never bring up their S/O. He brings her up all the time and even told me that he's going over there and asked me what they should do. I guess to him, it's playful?

 

I really don't know.

 

I haven't talked to him much today. I hate being the kind of person that just abruptly ends all contact. It's been done to me and I think that's a childish way of dealing with things. But I don't plan on inviting any sort of sexual talk at all. Maybe he'll get bored and move on.

[JewelD]

Having trouble finding friends is not a good excuse to invite drama into your life. Trust me, you're better off reading a book or starting a new hobby than continuing with this guy. Why wait for him to get bored and move on when you can just cut him off? He has a girlfriend, I doubt he'll care as much as you think.

 

and just because he discusses his girlfriend with you doesn't mean he wouldn't cheat. You guys had some steamy convos when you knew he was taken so you have basically told him "I'm game and I don't care about being your secret".

 

It's not childish to end things with a guy who clearly doesn't have any good intentions with you. Who cares what he thinks? He has a girlfriend and is texting you sexual convos til 5am. He isn't ****, and if you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas.

 

If you go down this long road to nowhere, you're going to end up hurt and disappointed. You know this. It's hard, but you have to be realistic with yourself.

 

I recently dropped my two best friends and I've been feeling lonely too. I sometimes thought about talking to old flames from my past and people who I already know aren't going to be good additions to my life. But knowing the stress and drama these people will bring has been enough to stop me from reaching out to them.

[angel.eyes]

I recently started talking to an old friend again...as far as I can tell, we have no intentions of hooking up because I don't think we're suited for each other.

If you have no sexual interest in him, then why are you engaging in sexually charged conversations until 3 am or 5 am almost every night? Why are you confessing to him that you have "feelings" for him? Be honest about what you're trying to do!

 

I do like him and I think if it weren't for his girlfriend, he would have already made advances...I even kind of spilled the beans a bit, saying I liked him...

Sorry to be harsh, but this is straight-up delusional fantasy. You were friends looong BEFORE he had a relationship with this girlfriend. Yet, you've never been the GF. So she isn't the reason for your lack of success with him when it comes to openly dating you. For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as GF/relationship/dating material. Now, secret side chick, where options are severely limited because self-respecting women are going to kick him to the curb as soon as he starts down the road of becoming his secret side piece, sure why not. Not only are you willing to engage, but you're actually encouraging him to run down that path by talking about your "feelings" for him when he sends inappropriate pictures, etc. You willingly lurk in the background as the secret he keeps from his GF. The fact that the people who matter in his life are unaware of your existence should tell you where you really stand in his eyes.

 

But we were friends before and right now there are no intentions to do anything.

Who are you kidding? You were never friends. This is nothing more than a garden variety cheater and someone who thinks she can steal/charm the cheater from his current GF.

 

The one who gets hurt the most in this scenario will be you! Good luck with the self-inflicted drama and heartache!

[LiterallyMyLife]

If you have no sexual interest in him, then why are you engaging in sexually charged conversations until 3 am or 5 am almost every night? Why are you confessing to him that you have "feelings" for him? Be honest about what you're trying to do!

 

 

Sorry to be harsh, but this is straight-up delusional fantasy. You were friends looong BEFORE he had a relationship with this girlfriend. Yet, you've never been the GF. So she isn't the reason for your lack of success with him when it comes to openly dating you. For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as GF/relationship/dating material. Now, secret side chick, where options are severely limited because self-respecting women are going to kick him to the curb as soon as he starts down the road of becoming his secret side piece, sure why not. Not only are you willing to engage, but you're actually encouraging him to run down that path by talking about your "feelings" for him when he sends inappropriate pictures, etc. You willingly lurk in the background as the secret he keeps from his GF. The fact that the people who matter in his life are unaware of your existence should tell you where you really stand in his eyes.

 

 

Who are you kidding? You were never friends. This is nothing more than a garden variety cheater and someone who thinks she can steal/charm the cheater from his current GF.

 

The one who gets hurt the most in this scenario will be you! Good luck with the self-inflicted drama and heartache!

 

 

I'm going to try and address everything here. I'm not trying to defend or justify anything because you're right. What I'm doing is very wrong.

 

But, first of all, the feelings I spoke about were feelings of uncomfortableness. I brought it up because he was testing the waters and I told him this isn't right and I don't think you should be doing this kind of stuff when you're taken. And his response was that as long as we both know there are lines that we're not going to cross, then we'll be fine. He also mentioned that anything that's not with his girlfriend is purely fantasy. Again, I still don't think that's right, but his words, not mine.

 

Second, I stopped talking to him because I actually was moving forward with a relationship so it never progressed. You're probably right. I doubt I'm his type and if he wanted to date me, I guess he would have flirted more back then but I didn't give him the opportunity to. I lost interest in the conversations I had with him at the time (which sounds awful) because my interests were else where so one day I just didn't reply and he didn't push any farther for a reply. But lately, even if I don't reply, he'll send something else. I woke up to about three messages today and when I didn't respond to those, he sent another.

 

I'm not trying to steal him. I will say I got a "big head" when he seemed interested, but I'm not trying to steal him.

[LiterallyMyLife]

There are other things I'd like to clarify as well.

We met because our blogs had shared (nsfw) interests. That's what we talked about before and that's what we talk about now. The only factor that has changed is his girlfriend.

[ChickiePops]

You keep saying that you know it's wrong and you know how selfish it is. SO STOP IT ALREADY!

 

He is already cheating on his girlfriend with you emotionally. You are already a mistress. Cut it off before it goes any further. Don't tar yourself with the cheater brush for life just because you're too lazy to go make other friends.

[JewelD]

There are other things I'd like to clarify as well.

We met because our blogs had shared (nsfw) interests. That's what we talked about before and that's what we talk about now. The only factor that has changed is his girlfriend.

 

and that's the one factor that matters. There's a plethora of single men who will talk freaky with you. Why not chat them up instead of this guy? You can't justify this or make it okay. If you're going to do it anyway, accept the ****ty consequences that will come with it.

[ChickiePops]

and that's the one factor that matters. There's a plethora of single men who will talk freaky with you. Why not chat them up instead of this guy? You can't justify this or make it okay. If you're going to do it anyway, accept the ****ty consequences that will come with it.

 

Sadly, his girlfriend is the one who will end up paying the worst price.

[LiterallyMyLife]

I guess I may be feeling a little more than I thought. Still haven't messaged him and still don't plan to reply if he messages me.

 

But his girlfriend posted something (I know I shouldn't be snooping, but it helps to know she has a face and a name and feelings that are 100% valid) and it was about him and now I feel like crap.

 

I can't do this. Didn't think I actually liked him that much to where seeing that would make me jealous.

[angel.eyes]

I'm going to try and address everything here. I'm not trying to defend or justify anything because you're right. What I'm doing is very wrong.

And yet you continue to engage him from the moment he wakes up until the early morning hours when he finally goes to sleep almost every day!

 

But, first of all, the feelings I spoke about were feelings of uncomfortableness.

Really?!?!? How so?

 

I cited your own words from the OP in my first response. I'll cite them again. Let me highlight them this time for you.

...he said that when she's like that, she doesn't really like to talk and then proceeded to talk to me until about 5am. Then messaged me as soon as he woke up this morning. I even kind of spilled the beans a bit, saying I liked him...

 

I really don't know what to do. I should stop talking to him, I know.

How exactly is "spilling the beans" that you like a taken man conveying discomfort at his inappropriate behavior???

 

Ditto when you continue to engage him into the wee hours of the morning after he sends you inappropriate photos and asks you if that's okay?

 

Of course, you know what to do! But you would rather fantasize about this "friend" who sees you as nothing more than a possible side piece on the down-low.

 

That's your choice. Understand that when this blows up, like any cheater, he will throw you under the bus so fast, your head will spin for months.

[angel.eyes]

Didn't think I actually liked him that much to where seeing that would make me jealous.

Finally a little honesty!

[ChickiePops]

I guess I may be feeling a little more than I thought. Still haven't messaged him and still don't plan to reply if he messages me.

 

But his girlfriend posted something (I know I shouldn't be snooping, but it helps to know she has a face and a name and feelings that are 100% valid) and it was about him and now I feel like crap.

 

I can't do this. Didn't think I actually liked him that much to where seeing that would make me jealous.

 

GOOD! Feeling guilty is an excellent sign that you're not a terrible person.

 

Gonna do the right thing now?

[l8estnews]

I don't want to come between them at all and I feel like I already have.

 

You already have. Stop talking to this guy as for some reason, deep inside you, you want him to choose you instead of her, because if you truly absolutely respect their relationship, you will not go the sex talk.

 

Cheers,

[Ddunfee]

Look at it this way...You say he isn't cheating; does his GF know that he is up until 5:00 AM talking to you? Does she know that you are talking in a sexual manner? Does she know that you like him? If you answered no to any of those questions, it is CHEATING!!!! He is looking for an ego boost...Also, if he is doing this with you, don't you think that if you and he did hook up, he would do the same to you? Hmmmm...just a few things to think about.