Drinks at my place! [update: Holiday Season]

[Adoraxx]

Just checking in. I see a few new names here and some old ones.

 

At almost 8 months NC, I am still a mess. Now I am feeling that I have taken on his personality traits over the years I knew him. It probably isn't so, but after 8 years I feel so damaged and disgusting.

 

It is a new phase... anyone who is contemplating infidelity, please read and heed.

 

Poppy.

 

Hi Poppy ((( HUGS )))

 

I do hope that you'll feel better soon!! What kind of personality traits do you feel you've taken on? It's a lie, you're not him!!!!!

 

xx

[Miss Clavel]

Just checking in. I see a few new names here and some old ones.

 

At almost 8 months NC, I am still a mess. Now I am feeling that I have taken on his personality traits over the years I knew him. It probably isn't so, but after 8 years I feel so damaged and disgusting.

 

It is a new phase... anyone who is contemplating infidelity, please read and heed.

 

Poppy.

 

alto i didn't say so at the time, i disagreed with your plan to stop poasting. i felt it was your duty to stick around and "give back" to the other people behind you on this stinkin journey.

 

the best way to get out of yourself is to give back to others. which i'm sure already knew. sharing your experience, strength and hope helps not only you but everyone that hears it.

 

 

e.n.

[Scarlett94]

Oh Poppy I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

You aren't him though!

How can we help you?

(((hugs)))

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't feel it's your duty to post here, it is a major time suck, but it can help, like an AA for us.

 

What personality traits have you taken on? I made some major changes myself to break any mental connections.

[Maddieandtae]

I almost feel like someone has hacked into your account! You have made such steady progress:) I'm not saying you cannot have bad moments but it almost seems as though something else has happened? If not please ignore me, its just that you have been one of the steadier posters who seems to get the bigger picture.

[drypuddle]

Hang in there!

[aileD]

Give yourself some credit, 8 years is a long time and you are doing very well Poppy.

 

Is there anything you enjoy doing that you could do more of? - hobby? Maybe set up a girls night out once a week?

 

Keep focusing on you. I really think that it's your own heart that's holding you back (the rest of your body is ready to move on but that heart can be stubborn!) and one day someone is going to come into your world that will push you over the top of the "getting over him" hill.

 

Make a gratitude journal. Every day write three things you're grateful for that day. It can be as simple as being grateful For 15 minutes alone in a hot shower.

 

 

You got this honey!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Poppy big hugs!!!! Just wanted you to know i understand your feelings and the pain you are in. I also understand how terrible this entire thing is and what it can do to everyone involved.

 

Usually the hardest thing to do is always the right thing. Just keep swimming.

[Chica80]

(((((((Poppy))))))

 

After 8 years it would be hard not to take on someone else's traits. Did something happen recently?

 

Don't be hard on yourself sometimes triggers or things happen. You always gave such good advice. I know I for one appreciated it.

[imsosad]

Poppy,

It is so hard. You may not be feeling it today, but you've come a long way. Eight months!! It goes to show your strength of character, your reslove, your commitment to a healthier emotional life.

I think it's very natural to still be struggling. Your affair lasted nearly a decade, and you don't strike me as a shallow person. Of course it will take a while to heal.

What traits do you feel rubbed off you? Do you feel it ties you to the past?

Stay strong and clever, I know you wil.

[Poppy47]

What happened?

 

It was birthday time for me. It brought back a lot of memories, happy, sad and many revelations about how absent I have been for 8 years. I am back in touch with family again and realise how many things I missed.

 

I do not expect to recover easily or quickly from an almost decade long illicit relationship. That is impossible and that dreaded thing called TIME will take care of it. Nobody recovers quickly from the loss of a long relationship.

 

Somebody wrote here a while back that the affair stole their innocence. That is as close as I can come to an explanation of how I feel. It is lost forever but that's a consequence. The consequences are varied and many. More and more are becoming apparent now xMM is no longer in my life.

 

So ladies and gentlemen, the good bit? I never once wanted to contact him over my birthday weekend!!!!

 

EVerything is back on track. I have 6 weeks vacation from work shortly , with many social and family events planned for the festive season.

 

Kind wishes,

Poppy.

[Forever broken]

Stay strong Poppy. It will get better someday.

[afoolto no end]

Glad to hear you didn't want to contact him, that is real progress.

Life has many bumps to endure, some of them take longer to get over than others. Your strong and we can all see it..

You made a choice to move on and you have.....

Be proud of yourself, spend lots and lots of time with family and friends during the holidays and then the new year brings a new start again.

Do something nice for yourself.........

[lilacwine]

Just checking in. I see a few new names here and some old ones.

 

At almost 8 months NC, I am still a mess. Now I am feeling that I have taken on his personality traits over the years I knew him. It probably isn't so, but after 8 years I feel so damaged and disgusting.

 

It is a new phase... anyone who is contemplating infidelity, please read and heed.

 

Poppy.

 

For an affair that long, of course I believe it'd take years, too, before you feel completely normal again. So don't worry Poppy. You just need more time.

 

During the affair, how often did you talk to him and see him in person? I asked this because I want to know what you had to give up by ending this affair. Thank you!!

[Poppy47]

For an affair that long, of course I believe it'd take years, too, before you feel completely normal again. So don't worry Poppy. You just need more time.

 

During the affair, how often did you talk to him and see him in person? I asked this because I want to know what you had to give up by ending this affair. Thank you!!

 

Hello Lilac,

I spoke to xMM almost everyday. It was rare if we didn't. He sent a text early in the morning, so it would be here when I woke up. Always a good night text too.

I saw him once, maybe twice a week. There were also emails. There was was a lot of contact.

Poppy.

[Cymbeline]

I don't know to what traits you are referring when you describe yourself as damaged and disgusting Poppy, but you do not come across that way in any of your discussions here: quite the opposite.

[cloche]

I spoke to xMM almost everyday...There was was a lot of contact.

 

I'm in the same boat as you, Poppy. We were 'together' for more than 5 years like that, until I finally walked away - nearly 3 years ago now - with no contact of any kind since.

 

For me it has felt like what I imagine coming off a highly addictive drug must be like. It's almost as if, during the years together, the constant yet intermittent contact literally rewired my brain.

 

And our heavy use of computers, email, and smart phones perhaps contributed to this feeling: even now there are times when my phone 'dings' to let me know that a text has arrived and a sort 'flash' within me triggers that old familiar feeling: "that'll be her...". Like I'm some laboratory mouse in an experimental maze, anxiously responding to a scientist's stimulus in the hope of scoring another pellet.

 

I so wish it would pass.

 

I still miss her terribly.

[Poppy47]

I don't know to what traits you are referring when you describe yourself as damaged and disgusting Poppy, but you do not come across that way in any of your discussions here: quite the opposite.

 

Cymbeline,

 

I feel like such a fake card board cut out, because I led a double life for years.

 

It troubles me a lot, but I have nobody to tell, so I post here.

 

Poppy.

[lilacwine]

Cymbeline,

 

I feel like such a fake card board cut out, because I led a double life for years.

 

It troubles me a lot, but I have nobody to tell, so I post here.

 

Poppy.

 

I thought you were a single OW while you were with xMM. Would that even be considered living a double life? I don't think so. Just because you have a secret relationship where you can't share with anyone? I guess it's no different from those who date a lot but not having an "official relationship" with anyone.

I thought "a double life" would only apply to the MMs who juggle two relationships at the same time?

[spideywoman]

I'm in the same boat as you, Poppy. We were 'together' for more than 5 years like that, until I finally walked away - nearly 3 years ago now - with no contact of any kind since.

 

For me it has felt like what I imagine coming off a highly addictive drug must be like. It's almost as if, during the years together, the constant yet intermittent contact literally rewired my brain.

 

And our heavy use of computers, email, and smart phones perhaps contributed to this feeling: even now there are times when my phone 'dings' to let me know that a text has arrived and a sort 'flash' within me triggers that old familiar feeling: "that'll be her...". Like I'm some laboratory mouse in an experimental maze, anxiously responding to a scientist's stimulus in the hope of scoring another pellet.

 

I so wish it would pass.

 

I still miss her terribly.

 

Cloche: why did you walk away? still missing someone terribly after three years is a lot to bare. in keeping with Poppy's theme, were you and she successful in maintaining NC?

 

Poppy: your words of caution are to be taken seriously for anyone reading. as someone else mentioned, you're not damaged and you're certainly not disgusting. i think you've been a source of strength for many here. your willingness to expose your vulnerabilities to us and share your emotional journey is testament to that. don't doubt yourself.

Edited December 9, 2016 by spideywoman

[Poppy47]

I thought you were a single OW while you were with xMM. Would that even be considered living a double life? I don't think so. Just because you have a secret relationship where you can't share with anyone? I guess it's no different from those who date a lot but not having an "official relationship" with anyone.

I thought "a double life" would only apply to the MMs who juggle two relationships at the same time?

 

No Lilac.

 

I was widowed. Having an illicit affair is a secret double life. You cannot just turn around to your children or colleagues and say you are seeing a MM without enormous consequences.

 

Society frowns upon infidelity. My age group is probably two generations apart from yours Lilac...

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

I'm in the same boat as you, Poppy. We were 'together' for more than 5 years like that, until I finally walked away - nearly 3 years ago now - with no contact of any kind since.

 

For me it has felt like what I imagine coming off a highly addictive drug must be like. It's almost as if, during the years together, the constant yet intermittent contact literally rewired my brain.

 

And our heavy use of computers, email, and smart phones perhaps contributed to this feeling: even now there are times when my phone 'dings' to let me know that a text has arrived and a sort 'flash' within me triggers that old familiar feeling: "that'll be her...". Like I'm some laboratory mouse in an experimental maze, anxiously responding to a scientist's stimulus in the hope of scoring another pellet.

 

I so wish it would pass.

 

I still miss her terribly.

 

I get it Cloche. It is the same for me. We are like trained animals. He did the constant contact. I feel it was his method of control.

 

It has certainly left its mark on both of us.

 

POppy.

[Poppy47]

I have messed up!!!!

 

I was feeling maudlin and introspective about xMM and some other issues.

This is the time of year when we used to spend a lot of time together as I am always on holidays.

 

I unblocked his FaceBook and looked at what he has been doing for the last 9 months. There were smoke signals left all over it for me.... yes I DO know they were for me.

 

I left him unblocked for 24 hours and sure enough, he picked up on it. He left several cryptic messages on his Face Book. We were never friends there but he would leave posts for me.

 

 

It was destructive and the Face Book is blocked again. It is very easy to slip back, even after 9 months. I am writing this here, rather than contact him. The urge to email him is strong, although it would change nothing at all. It has left me quite miserable.

 

Thanks for reading and understanding.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

How is it they pick up on this so quickly?! I did the same exact thing and within hours I received an email on my work account saying "why did you unblock me from facebook"..

 

It is okay Poppy- be easy on yourself you have done so good. You had a little bit of a setback but give it a day or two and you will be back on track. The emotions will be here for a minute but with all of the progress you have made they wont last for long.

 

Just walk through today by tomorrow afternoon you will start feeling stronger and proud of yourself for not reaching out!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have messed up!!!!

 

I was feeling maudlin and introspective about xMM and some other issues.

This is the time of year when we used to spend a lot of time together as I am always on holidays.

 

I unblocked his FaceBook and looked at what he has been doing for the last 9 months. There were smoke signals left all over it for me.... yes I DO know they were for me.

 

I left him unblocked for 24 hours and sure enough, he picked up on it. He left several cryptic messages on his Face Book. We were never friends there but he would leave posts for me.

 

 

It was destructive and the Face Book is blocked again. It is very easy to slip back, even after 9 months. I am writing this here, rather than contact him. The urge to email him is strong, although it would change nothing at all. It has left me quite miserable.

 

Thanks for reading and understanding.

 

Poppy.

 

Thanks for sharing this. It is easy to be lulled into the false security that you are fine and over someone.

 

I have done what you have done and it also made me miserable. It does go away, like the craving for any drug. Stay strong!