Problems with fiancee. Help!

[oliviasmomma]

Ok I am very new to this i have no body to talk to and my life is driving me crazy right now.

I have been with my fiancee (if thats right) for nearly 9 years

he cheated about 1 year into it with a girl and i decided to forgive him so fast forward 2 years we get engaged and decide to have a baby together, we already live together as there was no room for me with family. it was supposed to be short term but hey ho i still live here today.

So in March 2013 im 6 months pregnant with my beautiful girl when i find out that he has cheated again, he promised it was just the once it would not happen again but i packed my bags and left.

2 weeks later he picked me up promised me everything would change and it did until i had a gut feeling and i just said i know you are still sleeping with her and yes i was right he was still sleeping with her. fast forward again to october 2015 he finds out she is pregnant and yes it is his!

they go for the 1st scan and there was no heart beat the baby had died in the womb ( which although i hate her so much i would never ever wish this on anybody). So this time they really stop talking and dont meet we are really happy and then out of the blue i have my gut feeling AGAIN!!! yep shes pregnant again. she is now around 7 months pregnant and due in Jan 2017. I have never been a proper family my nan brought me up as my mom worked a hell of a lot, my father left when i was a few days old and my step dad left when i was 8 years old. My family has been broken by both of them and yes she knew about me and my daughter too. so yes it is both of them.

they go shopping every single week together and i cant even get him to start christmas shopping yet! He has helped build the nursery with her while he lay in bed watching me paint decorate and build stuff while i was 7/8 months pregnant. They are acting like a family already while i have never ever known what it is like to feel like part of a family and i never will!! I already have anxiety and depression medication for my current mental health and i am always comparing myself to her kus she has money she drives she is beautiful she has a good body while im sitting at home doing everything for my daughter playing take her to school everything! i have no money i cannot claim any benefits i am struggling to find a decent job with good pay that can work around my child so i started selling avon products. i dont even bloody drive how can i compare to her? im ugly i have disgusting hair that just falls out and always having bloody acne breakouts!!

Please do not judge me i do love this man i love my family i need somebody to talk to i have no friends hardly any family and his family so please do not judge me i know i am stupid for staying with him but i do believe 1 day i could be happy and he might change.

[Zahara]

He's not going to change. You've shown and taught him that you'll accept and tolerate ill treatment because you have no self-respect nor do you love yourself.

 

You don't love this man. You are dependent on him. You see no value in yourself and cling to the first person that shows you a little bit of attention. And he knows he can do just about anything because you're desperate for his validation.

 

If you don't love yourself, no one else will.

 

Think about what you're teaching your child.

[oliviasmomma]

thank you

i know i do not love myself but only because what he has done to me.

i used to love myself until i saw the women he was sleeping with.

 

You are saying this like its all my fault?

 

Thats all i do is think what my child will be in the future! will she let men walk all over her? will she hate herself?

 

I really do not want this to happen I also think every day what she will think of her dad when shes older and his other child!

[Zahara]

thank you

i know i do not love myself but only because what he has done to me.

i used to love myself until i saw the women he was sleeping with.

 

You are saying this like its all my fault?

 

Thats all i do is think what my child will be in the future! will she let men walk all over her? will she hate herself?

 

I really do not want this to happen I also think every day what she will think of her dad when shes older and his other child!

 

I believe if you loved yourself, you would not have tolerated cheating that first round in. The fact that you allowed it so many times is indicative of how little value YOU see in yourself. This has nothing to do with her or him.

 

Your fault is having stayed with someone that has treated you terribly. That accountability lies with you and no one else.

 

If you can't leave for the sake of yourself, then for the sake of your child. You are to be a strong role model for her -- your number one priority.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Zahara

[oliviasmomma]

thats true i did think i loved my self but thinking about it now ive never liked my looks or my body and i do not have any confidence in anything.

i wear clothes as they are safe.

 

yes my daughter is my number 1 priority she always is.

 

where do i go? i cannot go and live with my nan as it is over crowded as it is. and she and everybody else smokes!

 

i do not talk to my mom so that is no option.

i have spoken to the council all they can do for me is put me in a hostel! No i do not want my daughter in a hostel either.

 

She has just started and settled very well into school of a mornings, if i move her away how do i get her to school??

we live with her fathers mother who she is very close with she asks for her every single day while shes working.

 

I have been told if i go then the father, nan, and grandfather will fight to get full custody of my child as at the moment i cannot provide a house, food, or stability at the minute!

How do i leave then?

[Redhead14]

Ok I am very new to this i have no body to talk to and my life is driving me crazy right now.

I have been with my fiancee (if thats right) for nearly 9 years

he cheated about 1 year into it with a girl and i decided to forgive him so fast forward 2 years we get engaged and decide to have a baby together, we already live together as there was no room for me with family. it was supposed to be short term but hey ho i still live here today.

So in March 2013 im 6 months pregnant with my beautiful girl when i find out that he has cheated again, he promised it was just the once it would not happen again but i packed my bags and left.

2 weeks later he picked me up promised me everything would change and it did until i had a gut feeling and i just said i know you are still sleeping with her and yes i was right he was still sleeping with her. fast forward again to october 2015 he finds out she is pregnant and yes it is his!

they go for the 1st scan and there was no heart beat the baby had died in the womb ( which although i hate her so much i would never ever wish this on anybody). So this time they really stop talking and dont meet we are really happy and then out of the blue i have my gut feeling AGAIN!!! yep shes pregnant again. she is now around 7 months pregnant and due in Jan 2017. I have never been a proper family my nan brought me up as my mom worked a hell of a lot, my father left when i was a few days old and my step dad left when i was 8 years old. My family has been broken by both of them and yes she knew about me and my daughter too. so yes it is both of them.

they go shopping every single week together and i cant even get him to start christmas shopping yet! He has helped build the nursery with her while he lay in bed watching me paint decorate and build stuff while i was 7/8 months pregnant. They are acting like a family already while i have never ever known what it is like to feel like part of a family and i never will!! I already have anxiety and depression medication for my current mental health and i am always comparing myself to her kus she has money she drives she is beautiful she has a good body while im sitting at home doing everything for my daughter playing take her to school everything! i have no money i cannot claim any benefits i am struggling to find a decent job with good pay that can work around my child so i started selling avon products. i dont even bloody drive how can i compare to her? im ugly i have disgusting hair that just falls out and always having bloody acne breakouts!!

Please do not judge me i do love this man i love my family i need somebody to talk to i have no friends hardly any family and his family so please do not judge me i know i am stupid for staying with him but i do believe 1 day i could be happy and he might change.

 

I am not going to judge you, but I am going to give you a huge kick in the ass.

 

GET A GRIP and get focused on your priorities -- You and your daughter. You cannot be a good, fully-engaged mother to your daughter if you are allowing yourself to be dragged down by a scum-sucking, bag of **** for a man and wallowing in self-pity.

 

Set an example for your daughter so that she can grow into a strong, secure, independent woman who can face adversity with dignity and strength and stand on her own two feet.

 

What you are demonstrating to your daughter is that women should accept bad treatment from men at any expense.

 

I have been with my fiancee (if thats right) for nearly 9 years

i do believe 1 day i could be happy and he might change -- And, the evidence you have for this theory is???? He's cheated on you numerous times and has another child with one of them. You've been the fiancee for 9 friggin years! He's not going to change for you, that's for sure.

 

Get your driver's license, put away every penny you can, and focus. If you have to, be the uber Avon Rep of the century.

 

hardly any family -- If any of those family members can give you a hand, take it. Ask them to babysit a couple of days a week and get a part-time job at least and start putting away as much money as you possibly can.

 

i cannot claim any benefits -- You must at least be able to get child-support for your daughter. Pick up the phone and check into that. He is responsible for his child.

 

Start being proactive and forward-thinking instead of dwelling on the past and seeing road-blocks for the future. And, stop calling this POS your fiance.

[smackie9]

Get on the net, and locate a website that can give you info on your parental rights. There isn't a judge out there that would let his family get custody. You are not unfit as a mother. Your fiance has a responsibility to give financial support for this child regardless of you two being together or not. If you need a place to stay, go to your local women's shelter. They will provide you with food, clothing, and counseling. They will even help you with finding a job. You can do this on your own if he pays his share of child support. They may even find a lawyer that will do your case for free because of your limited income. Check out social services, make some calls...there is help out there.

[oliviasmomma]

Thank you for that big kick in the ass

 

I have phoned up about benefits i cannot claim anything as he earns too much money. I get £20 a week which goes on my child i get nothing but with the bits of commission i have earned i have put away for christmas and then after christmas i will hopefully be paying for my lessons.

 

I live so far away from my family and they either work or have their own children and really cannot help out. I am applying for jobs while she is at school of a morning and i am currently in talks with a wrap around day care to see if she can do 2 days a week after school for 3/4 hours.

 

I know you all seem to think i am putting him over my child but we have rules infront of my daughter. she does not know what is going on. we dont argue in front of her we dont talk about it infront of her i do not cry infront of her and i certainly dont put any of my insecurities on to her. I want her to be nothing like me!

I only self pity and feel sorry for myself at night once shes in bed and im sitting here by myself.

I know you think im making excuses but im really not.

[oliviasmomma]

Thank you.

I didnt know that i could find this help

I have told his family someone will help me but they keep telling me as i have no money, no career, i cannot afford clothes, food, a washing machine, anything they will win as i will basically neglect her.

 

I have phoned cab and because we still live together i cannot claim any money of him as his parents pay the mortgage and everthing.

[smackie9]

I'm really not sure what help you are asking for. You won't leave him, so what else is there to say except yes he will continue to cheat on you.....guess you will just have to live with it.

[smackie9]

Thank you.

I didnt know that i could find this help

I have told his family someone will help me but they keep telling me as i have no money, no career, i cannot afford clothes, food, a washing machine, anything they will win as i will basically neglect her.

 

I have phoned cab and because we still live together i cannot claim any money of him as his parents pay the mortgage and everthing.

 

Doesn't matter....he will have to pay regardless. Looks like he will have to borrow the money. Don't let them fill your head with threats, you have more rights than you think.

[oliviasmomma]

i understand what you are saying.

and i get where you are coming from.

i wanted someone to talk to yes i need the kick up the butt i never knew how scary it would be to start over again

[Zahara]

i understand what you are saying.

and i get where you are coming from.

i wanted someone to talk to yes i need the kick up the butt i never knew how scary it would be to start over again

 

The coming years of your life are going to be much more scarier if you keep stalling and making excuses. Deep down you want to stay with him so you delude yourself and stay in denial -- you wouldn't have mentioned he will change if your goal wasn't to stay and hope for change.

 

Great suggestions from Smackie. Start being proactive and actually exhausting every avenue before your go down the I can't, they won't, he could, etc. There are some things you may have to sacrifice because you are not in an ideal situation to have your ducks all in a row but if you have to sacrifice A for B, for the betterment of you and your child, then do it. Even if it means going to a shelter with your child.

[ChickiePops]

I agree 100% with everything Zahara and Smackie have said. This scumsucking douchemonkey is walking all over you and you're smiling as he steps on your face with dog crap covered shoes.

 

I have to be harsher than they've been though because reading this thread is making me itch with frustration.

 

GET OUT OF THERE! He will never, ever, ever change. EVER. This is a toxic waste dump of a relationship, if you can even call it a relationship at this point. Go to a women's shelter. Go ANYWHERE. Just get away from this loser. He does NOT love you..nobody would treat someone they love like this.

 

Do you have a job?

[smackie9]

You don't have to dump and run right now, but you can definitely start planning. That money you have socked away for Christmas may have to be sacrificed for living expenses.

 

There are charities you can take advantage of too. They can provide you with furniture and food to get you started. There are many women in your position, and there are resources out there that are at your disposal.

 

When I had a part time job that didn't cover the bills, I cleaned houses for extra tax free cash. Hell I would have dug ditches if I had to.

[elaine567]

i know i am stupid for staying with him but i do believe 1 day i could be happy and he might change.

 

The only thing that I see changing here is that one day he is going to choose her and her baby, over you and then where will you be?

His parents will go with the flow and she will then be living with him in his parents house instead of you.

YOU have to wake up here, you cannot just assume that a man who has cheated on you time and time again, is always going to want to have you in his life.

 

YOU would not be the first woman engaged for 9 years to find herself dumped and for him to go and marry someone else very quickly afterwards. There is a reason you are still the fiancée and it is not a good one.

 

As you say they, as in him and the OW, are already playing happy families, where do you think that is going to lead? I guess your days as his fiancée are numbered, so you need to start being proactive, before you find yourself up the creek without a paddle.

 

DO NOT tell me your daughter doesn't sense the atmosphere here, of course she knows Mommy and Daddy are fighting and that Mommy is crying her eyes out and is depressed.

I guess your "depression" will quickly lift once you are out of this mess and totally free from this man.

He is literally killing you.

[basil67]

I have phoned up about benefits i cannot claim anything as he earns too much money.

 

Surely this would only apply while you are living under the same roof. If you formally separate, they will view you as a single mother.

[LostOnes05]

Wow....he's been cheating on you since the beginning and you love him??! He got her pregnant TWICE, and you love him??! That boggles my mind beyond belief. He's showing you that you aren't a priority at all and you love him??! I see what I've been doing wrong all these years...I need to become a cheater.

 

If I had a girlfriend that got pregnant by someone else, there wouldn't be an angel in heaven to keep me from throwing her out or leaving immediately. Not only were you disrespected by his cheating, but he then got her pregnant again and again. With contraception readily available today, you have to know that it was intentional. No oops about cheating or getting her pregnant.

 

Let me ask you this...If I spit in your face (which is absolutely vile), would you stand there and let me keep spitting in your face day after day? Would you invite me back in your home, knowing that I was probably going to spit in your face again at the first opportunity? Because that's exactly what he's doing, but with excrement. If he is so engaged with his other family, think of how he'll treat both you and the child.

[LostOnes05]

And by the way, the only thing he's going to change is his mailing address when he actually moves away from you.

[Dis]

oliviasmomma, I'm going to tell you about one of my friend's situations.

 

When you read it please know that it applies to you and your daughter and it will become your future if you dont leave now

 

I have a friend who is 36, she married a man when she was only 21 despite the disrespect/disregard/abuse he showed towards her prior to marriage. She had 2 daughters with him ages 5 and 12. Her husband is a drug dealer, he brings drugs into the family home on a daily basis. He has a separate apartment in which he stores most of his drugs and this is also where he brings his other women. She sees nakes pictures of other women in his phone...some of these pics are graphic. He has hit her, raped her, and verbally abused her countless times.

 

Now this is where the story gets even more tragic, her daughters are so terribly affected by their toxic relationship. The 5 year old is still in diapers and doesnt want to go near her father. The 12 year old is very depressed, has no social life and has developed an eating disorder.

 

I have been friends with this woman for 2 years now and I know now...that no matter what I say to her....she is never going to leave. She is in denial (JUST LIKE YOU ARE) and says this does not affect her children and that he is not cheating and that he'll change. NONE of this is true but after being married to him for 15 years she is so beaten down by him that she is passed the point of no return. Now her future is wasted, her daughters will struggle endlessly as adults....all because she "loves" him to much to leave

 

oliviasmomma, dont let this happen to you. It will NOT get better...it will get worse and by the time is does...you'll be too weak to get out

 

You are always a mother first and what you are doing to your child by not leaving is almost as detrimental as the treatment your "fiance" has shown you

 

Get out now and pls keep posting...we're all here for you

[Leigh 87]

Hi there.

 

I feel terrible for you. I have wonderfully supportive family and just don't understand how parents can have their kids and then not help them out when their kids are incapable of affording basic food or shelter.

 

If you feel comfortable, I would be happy to send you a little money to contribute towards you getting out of there.

 

It is tremendously hard but there are some single mums who get a job and then put themselves through school. Life would be so tough for a couple of years, with full time work and study, and no money to treat yourself to anything despite 70 hour weeks of work and study you put in---- but it can be done if you are desperate enough to better yourself and provide a comfortable life for your daughter.

 

I am happy to do what I can i the meanwhile. Maybe I can send you a 50 AUD ( I am Aussie) so you can get you and your daughter an Xmas treat.

 

But only if you have some kind of debit card and feel comfortable in givng me the card details of course. I have been a member for over five years and a few posters have me on facebook.

 

I am so sorry for your struggles. It sounds like he doesn't consider you to be in a relationship anymore. And why do his parentd pay his mortgage if he "earns too much" for you to claim benifits?

 

I know welfare is next to nothing over there where as in Aussie single mums get enough single parent welfare to rent a smaller older style place alone without house mates even. So again, do not hesitate to ask me if you need any help I would give what I could.

 

Men like this really are pathetic, scum of the earth pieces of crap:mad:

[eightytwenty]

Girl, you deserve so much more than to be treated like this. Or I'm sorry, the past he moved on from. No one that loves you would do this to the person they love.

 

It will happen again, and again, until you catch him.. Hopefully when you find out you aren't full of baggage staying because you think you have to. Run as fast as you can. This kind of cheating isn't the kind you forgive at all.

[oliviasmomma]

I just want to say a huge Thank you to everybody who has taken their time to read my problems and have such honest opinions.

 

I had such a bad night last night i have checked my savings account and I have more than i originally thought i have £350 saved up for Christmas so I have decided to keep £150 for christmas and see what I can do to get out of here.

 

The local hostel to my daughters school is an hour away but at least I will have some money for bus fare.

 

I have phoned about a flat for us but i actually need to have left his parents house before they can offer me anything so it does look like we are going to a hostel.

 

I have decided to go on Friday and have started packing, I need to go friday as his parents are at work and so is he so I wont have any threats or arguments.

 

Thank you to everybody even the harsh ones i needed to hear it. I think it all the time what you have all said but it never ever felt real if that makes any sense. Until i read through what strangers who dont even know me said what i already knew.

 

His parents will not know where i am and neither will i, i wont have any internet connection so I wont be able to get in touch with him either.

 

Im so very scared to start again in life with nothing and so much responsibility. I know its going to be hard and i know i will struggle.

 

I have an interview next week with the royal mail so hopefully i get that job and then have my avon business on the side too

Once again thank you to everybody its been a real eye opener

[Leigh 87]

I just want to say a huge Thank you to everybody who has taken their time to read my problems and have such honest opinions.

 

I had such a bad night last night i have checked my savings account and I have more than i originally thought i have £350 saved up for Christmas so I have decided to keep £150 for christmas and see what I can do to get out of here.

 

The local hostel to my daughters school is an hour away but at least I will have some money for bus fare.

 

I have phoned about a flat for us but i actually need to have left his parents house before they can offer me anything so it does look like we are going to a hostel.

 

I have decided to go on Friday and have started packing, I need to go friday as his parents are at work and so is he so I wont have any threats or arguments.

 

Thank you to everybody even the harsh ones i needed to hear it. I think it all the time what you have all said but it never ever felt real if that makes any sense. Until i read through what strangers who dont even know me said what i already knew.

 

His parents will not know where i am and neither will i, i wont have any internet connection so I wont be able to get in touch with him either.

 

Im so very scared to start again in life with nothing and so much responsibility. I know its going to be hard and i know i will struggle.

 

I have an interview next week with the royal mail so hopefully i get that job and then have my avon business on the side too

Once again thank you to everybody its been a real eye opener

 

 

 

That is really inspiring that you want a better life for you and your daughter.

 

Remember, it is a struggle for everyone out there right now; professionals cannot even afford to buy a house or have it all these days and many people cannot have children yet want them. Remember happiness is relative !

 

Luckily you have your child to feel happy about. She will surely get a great start to life if she sees her mother not tolerate anything less than a man who is crazy about her.

 

You are keen and eager so someone will hire you. It is great you want the Avon gig on the side, you sound like you are willing to try hard to carve out a living.

 

True love is wonderful and you can now be open to finding it !

 

Good luck ! Just think, most women in your predicament do not have the courage to leave. On the other hand, the single mums that reject toxic relationships with cheaters do go on to have great lives. I have personally known such women.

[oliviasmomma]

That is really inspiring that you want a better life for you and your daughter.

 

Remember, it is a struggle for everyone out there right now; professionals cannot even afford to buy a house or have it all these days and many people cannot have children yet want them. Remember happiness is relative !

 

Luckily you have your child to feel happy about. She will surely get a great start to life if she sees her mother not tolerate anything less than a man who is crazy about her.

 

You are keen and eager so someone will hire you. It is great you want the Avon gig on the side, you sound like you are willing to try hard to carve out a living.

 

True love is wonderful and you can now be open to finding it !

 

Good luck ! Just think, most women in your predicament do not have the courage to leave. On the other hand, the single mums that reject toxic relationships with cheaters do go on to have great lives. I have personally known such women.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for offering your help also.

I am trying i do not want my daughter to ever be treated that way i have let my self been treated.

It is very hard with no job no benefits but hopefully that will all change in the next few weeks or even months.

 

It has not been an easy decision even tho yes he has treated me like dog poop i honestly thought my daughter needed her family around her x