Should I have to pay?

[Cherry05]

OP how much of the household chores does he do? I suspect very little. IMO this should be added into as part of the income contribution.

 

He doesn't do ANY chores. I do everything household wise.

[Cherry05]

Are you happy in your marriage, finances aside?

 

No, I'm really not. There's a lot more issues besides finances. =(

[Cherry05]

I think this contibutes to the OP's issues as, IIRC she runs a daycare from their home. I'd guess young "clients" come and go.

 

Right. Right now business is good, but say I lose a family of 4 because they move or something? They don't get replaced easily. And that's over $1000 a month out of my pockets. He knows that this is how this job is. I get really down when I have little clients, because that means I have to be tight with my money to pay bills.

[Cherry05]

Ha, in fairness though, if the OP was a guy we'd tell him to get his butt out the door and get another job to, well, support his family. Interesting how that works.

 

I've actually been trying to get an overnight part time job for some extra money, since that's when he's home. I'm not scared of working at all. But he won't let me.

[Cherry05]

I believe that we should be able to share our money. I've actually had to pay bills with my credit cards because I don't have enough, leaving me with high credit usage. =( I'm constantly playing catch up and he's over here asking to pay half a cell phone bill. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm better of divorced. I mean we split everything already.

[lucy_in_disguise]

You need to start standing up for yourself. How did you come to an arrangement where you take care of the kids and all the household chores, and then split the bills? Obviously that's isn't fair and I don't get why you'd agree to this in the first place. If he wants to split the bills he needs to start pulling his weight in other areas. You have to either make him hear you or get a divorce.

[carhill]

Uh, no, not if he was the sole childcarer of their FOUR children... That's a full-time job with overtime, IMO.

Well, show me in the OP where that was stated and we'll work it. What happened here is known as moving the goal posts. Show me where, prior to my post you quoted, she stated there's four kids she's sole carer of. Bascially, you and others brought content from other threads in, contrary to our policies here, and polluted one topic with another.

 

I'm out. And, yes, marriages are partnerships and he should have to work and she should have to work to make it work, or get out.

Edited October 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cherry05]

You need to start standing up for yourself. How did you come to an arrangement where you take care of the kids and all the household chores, and then split the bills?

 

It just started that way when we first got together. However, we didn't have a big house or kids. Now there's so much more responsibility and it feels like I'm taking it all on one my own.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It just started that way when we first got together. However, we didn't have a big house or kids. Now there's so much more responsibility and it feels like I'm taking it all on one my own.

 

Well then stop taking it on! Don't neglect your kids or anything but stop doing all the household chores and tell him the finances need to be re-negotiated. I have a hard time imaging anyone being so selfish/ manipulative as to insist the current breakdown is fair, so perhaps you are having trouble communicating that this isn't working for you any more? How does he justify that the house and kids are your responsibility when you're splitting the bills?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm better of divorced. I mean we split everything already.

 

I'm curious Cherry, is there anything you like about him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Erised]

I'd talk to him, tell him the current situation is unfeasible and making things ridiculous for you. I would outright refuse to continue with bills as are until something new is worked out, especially things that has his name too.

 

I would leave if he is unwilling to move on it, especially with the other problems you brought up. Sounds like you'd be financially better off at that point, raising your four children without him being inconsiderate.

[clia]

What percentage of the total household expenses are you paying? Is it 50%?

[salparadise]

We don't have enough information to crucify the husband. Finances may be tight all around. I didn't see anything to indicate that he's blowing money inappropriately. Seems to me that he's managing responsibly.

 

People tell her how unfair that they're keeping finances separate, followed by recommendations to divorce. Well, from my perspective, if they own a home, live a middle class lifestyle, and all she has to pay is the electric bill and groceries... how egregious is that actually?

 

Perhaps he should just quit the full-time job to alleviate her of domestic responsibilities and give her more leisure time... we'd have to deconstruct the budget in detail to understand what the reality is. How sure are we that it's not a glass half empty scenario?

[devilish innocent]

In the other thread you mentioned that he brought up divorce, and you're wondering if he's actually considering it. I think that explains a lot. He's trying to hold on to as much of his money as possible because he's already anticipating the day you'll be separated.

 

Have you considered setting up an insult consult with a divorce lawyer? You don't have to file yet, but you could find out what sort of financial division you will be looking at if you divorce. It might also be smart to ask if getting a part-time job now will have any effect on how much he owes you. You could at least start to get a sense of what you'd be dealing with if you separate to see how feasible the situation would be.

[S2B]

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

 

If you don't agree with the agreement - then it's ONLY up to you to sit down and discuss changing what you agreed to.

 

It's called communicating. State how you feel. Listen to how he feels. See if you both can compromise.

[BettyDraper]

How about a divorce? A Marriage is a partnership not living as roommates. If he isn't willing to take care of you and pay for the family's medicare.

 

This has nothing to do with you letting him getting away with it for so long....he is a selfish uncaring jerk.

 

Stand up to him, tell him he is out of his mind to think you should pay for it when he makes so much more money. If he digs in, you pack your bags.

 

This. I will never understand how anyone could enter a marriage with this kind of attitude towards money. Whomever makes more should pay more. Sadly, it's very common for women to bear the burden of housework and childrearing along with many financial responsibilities. Marriage with kids can be a raw deal for women.

 

OP, it appears that your husband doesn't want to be with you anymore and it makes sense that you're unhappy with him.

Time to see a lawyer.

Edited October 11, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Cherry05]

What percentage of the total household expenses are you paying? Is it 50%?

 

I'd say I pay about %45 of the bills. However, he makes a great deal more than me, along with bonuses, etc.

[Cherry05]

I'm curious Cherry, is there anything you like about him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

At this point, I can't really say a lot, except that he loves his kids. I like when we got along every now and then, but that's really becoming rare. I feel like I'm mainly just in it for the kids.

[Cherry05]

Well, from my perspective, if they own a home, live a middle class lifestyle, and all she has to pay is the electric bill and groceries... how egregious is that actually?

 

Perhaps he should just quit the full-time job to alleviate her of domestic responsibilities and give her more leisure time... we'd have to deconstruct the budget in detail to understand what the reality is. How sure are we that it's not a glass half empty scenario?

 

Ummm...Well I work a full-time job also. I work anywhere from 50 to 60 hours a week PLUS take care of OUR domestic responsibilities. More leisure time? Lol. Let's start with ANY leisure time.

 

The reality of it is, I pay for almost half the bills and don't make nearly as much as him. I sometimes struggle to get a bill paid and when I tell he says he won't help, even though he has the money. That's the reality.

 

Yea, jumping to divorce without knowing everything else that goes in is a little harsh, but it's not like there's no effort in my side.

[Cherry05]

In the other thread you mentioned that he brought up divorce, and you're wondering if he's actually considering it. I think that explains a lot. He's trying to hold on to as much of his money as possible because he's already anticipating the day you'll be separated.

 

Have you considered setting up an insult consult with a divorce lawyer? You don't have to file yet, but you could find out what sort of financial division you will be looking at if you divorce. It might also be smart to ask if getting a part-time job now will have any effect on how much he owes you. You could at least start to get a sense of what you'd be dealing with if you separate to see how feasible the situation would be.

 

I haven't contacted any lawyers yet. I know that once I do and he finds out, there's no turning back.

[GunslingerRoland]

I honestly don't know what you could tell me at this point, that wouldn't leave me as thinking you should divorce him if he is unwilling to change this.

 

I may not know the full situation, but I know enough, that this isn't what a marriage should be. It's a partnership and clearly there isn't one in place in your relationship.

 

Also with your day home, i can see that having 4 kids from one family would be a huge risk, but they do need to give you at least a months notice though right?

 

I mean you might not be able to replace all 4 kids before the month, but if you could at least get a couple of new ones, it would get you through. And when you say you get $1000, you mean per kid right? If you are watching 4 kids for $1000 then you are getting way underpaid.

[Cherry05]

I honestly don't know what you could tell me at this point, that wouldn't leave me as thinking you should divorce him if he is unwilling to change this.

 

I may not know the full situation, but I know enough, that this isn't what a marriage should be. It's a partnership and clearly there isn't one in place in your relationship.

 

Also with your day home, i can see that having 4 kids from one family would be a huge risk, but they do need to give you at least a months notice though right?

 

I mean you might not be able to replace all 4 kids before the month, but if you could at least get a couple of new ones, it would get you through. And when you say you get $1000, you mean per kid right? If you are watching 4 kids for $1000 then you are getting way underpaid.

 

They SHOULD be giving me at least a 2 week's notice. Sadly, this isn't the case. I've had some that tell me Oh, this is his last day. I've had one parent stiff me out $180, because of some sob story. I've only been doing this about 1 1/2 years, so there's a lot that I have learned and still am learning in that area. For 4 kids in This particular family, I charge $100/wk per child, but that's only for 2 kids. The other 2 are before school only for an hour, so that's $50/wk per child. $1200 a month. In my area, that rate is actually about average. I chose not to charge more yet, since I'm still fairly new to this. =) It's not so easy to get kids. Many people seek care for infants and I know that's just way more than I can handle. Also, many ask for part-time which I'm hesitant to take on. I plan on doing this until my youngest goes to Kindergarten and then find something more stable.

[GunslingerRoland]

They SHOULD be giving me at least a 2 week's notice. Sadly, this isn't the case. I've had some that tell me Oh, this is his last day. I've had one parent stiff me out $180, because of some sob story. I've only been doing this about 1 1/2 years, so there's a lot that I have learned and still am learning in that area. For 4 kids in This particular family, I charge $100/wk per child, but that's only for 2 kids. The other 2 are before school only for an hour, so that's $50/wk per child. $1200 a month. In my area, that rate is actually about average. I chose not to charge more yet, since I'm still fairly new to this. =) It's not so easy to get kids. Many people seek care for infants and I know that's just way more than I can handle. Also, many ask for part-time which I'm hesitant to take on. I plan on doing this until my youngest goes to Kindergarten and then find something more stable.

 

That is so ridiculously cheap. Here full time day care is up to $2000/month. Out of school care, minimum $600.

 

Also here you have to pay a deposit up front, basically like with renting so you have to give a months notice.

 

Also it's the opposite here, no one looks for care for infants, because there is a year of maternity leave, but everyone is looking for out of school care for kids. At the rates you charge, I'll pay for you to fly up here, to look after my kids out of school.

[Els]

OP, could you please describe here what your childcare arrangements are with your husband re: your children? Who is taking care of your children and how much is he doing in the home and with the children? I know you mentioned it in your previous thread, but apparently we are not allowed to discuss it unless you talk about it here. It might also help stave off presumptuous posts like the below:

 

We don't have enough information to crucify the husband. Finances may be tight all around. I didn't see anything to indicate that he's blowing money inappropriately. Seems to me that he's managing responsibly.

 

People tell her how unfair that they're keeping finances separate, followed by recommendations to divorce. Well, from my perspective, if they own a home, live a middle class lifestyle, and all she has to pay is the electric bill and groceries... how egregious is that actually?

 

Perhaps he should just quit the full-time job to alleviate her of domestic responsibilities and give her more leisure time... we'd have to deconstruct the budget in detail to understand what the reality is. How sure are we that it's not a glass half empty scenario?

[BettyDraper]

Ummm...Well I work a full-time job also. I work anywhere from 50 to 60 hours a week PLUS take care of OUR domestic responsibilities. More leisure time? Lol. Let's start with ANY leisure time.

 

The reality of it is, I pay for almost half the bills and don't make nearly as much as him. I sometimes struggle to get a bill paid and when I tell he says he won't help, even though he has the money. That's the reality.

 

Yea, jumping to divorce without knowing everything else that goes in is a little harsh, but it's not like there's no effort in my side.

 

I just don't see how this marriage is working for you and since your husband is selfish about money, there's no reason to consider working this out when he only thinks of himself.

 

It seems like your husband is taking advantage of you. Why should you do all of the housework while paying half the bills on a much smaller income?

 

I do 98% of the housework but that's only because I do not work outside of the home except for volunteering with many charities. I don't think my husband should lift a finger so he only helps if he is bored or I am focusing on one aspect of housework such as preparing a holiday meal.