muse08 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hi OP. Do use caution when moving about. Sounds like there's reason to use caution,e.g. his possessiveness, him switching cars so often. By the way, why would he switch cars so often? Otherwise, it's not too abnormal to still think of your ex. My ex and I didn't have the strongest bond, so I didnt miss him that much after we broke up. However, I can empathize. Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I also used to write /type messages to my ex and never send them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Not sure exactly why he'd switch cars @muse08, other than him trying to throw me offa few times when assuming I had the intentions to cheat or thinking some other guy would be around me.... Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Just had a thought. I had a friends years ago.who used to switch vehicles often. Turned out he was trying to catch me in the act of being in the company of some other man. His own lifestayle warranted different vehicles, but he took advantage of it to spy on me try throwing me off. Go with your gut on that topic and again, exercise caution and awareness as you move about. Link to post Share on other sites
unevenXchange Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I sometimes look at old text messages and notes to self, that pertained to dischord w/him. Reflecting on ways he hurt me(emotionally), helps me to not get into a funk about missing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I can relate. And This is a big reason why I stay single. All that messy emotional stuff. It consumes you... your thoughts, your emotions, your daydreams, your nightmares, your life... both while you are in at as well as a long time after you've left it... so I think there's nothing unusual about this, OP. Relationships are an all or nothing deal. I find when I'm not in a relationship and free of emotional ties I actually LIVE MY LIFE more than when I'm with someone else.. I accomplish goals and dreams, and grow more as a person. Hate to say it but I've come to see relationships as a big reason why a lot of people are going nowhere fast... people are always either losing themselves in one or being crushed for years afterward and that's a lot of time and energy wasted on someone statistics say won't last. Meanwhile, what about the rest of their lives? You can discover some amazing things when you take the time to get to know yourself rather than always being focused on another person 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 I can relate. And This is a big reason why I stay single. All that messy emotional stuff. It consumes you... your thoughts, your emotions, your daydreams, your nightmares, your life... both while you are in at as well as a long time after you've left it... so I think there's nothing unusual about this, OP. Relationships are an all or nothing deal. I find when I'm not in a relationship and free of emotional ties I actually LIVE MY LIFE more than when I'm with someone else.. I accomplish goals and dreams, and grow more as a person. Hate to say it but I've come to see relationships as a big reason why a lot of people are going nowhere fast... people are always either losing themselves in one or being crushed for years afterward and that's a lot of time and energy wasted on someone statistics say won't last. Meanwhile, what about the rest of their lives? You can discover some amazing things when you take the time to get to know yourself rather than always being focused on another person Thanks a lot for your post. It's so true about nearly everything you said. This past relationship that im discussing has stuck in my mind longer than any other. Prior to the relationship,i was single and feeling more free memtally. Now i feel like I've been rethinking and second guessing myself with regard to relationships. I dont like second guessing myself. However, when he asked me to marry him I got all soft inside because I felt thats what I wanted. ..clearly not what I needed,not with him anyway. When and how does one draw the line? Do you tell people upfront that you're not interested in any long term commitments or what? Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Good stuff in this thread. OP, I think it's up to you to decide if you actually LIKE yourself when you're with your significant other. Reationships require work. Sometimes people change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 14, 2016 Author Share Posted October 14, 2016 Thanks. I didn't like the way I felt around him often times. He was controlling at times in a very passive aggressive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Thanks. I didn't like the way I felt around him often times. He was controlling at times in a very passive aggressive way. Can you share some examples? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 14, 2016 Author Share Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) Can you share some examples? i found out he would check my phone sometimes before i woke up in the mornings. before he'd leave for work, every single morning he'd come to my bedside and kiss me (yes sweet),but evidently before i actually woke up he'd check my phone and a few times he saw where 2 of my exes were trying to reconnect. i definitely turned them down,but he would make references(while picking arguments out of nowhere) to comments those older exes would say to me in text messages .he'd seem to get upset for no reason and walk out knowing it hurt me. I'd be confused and hurt about it, but he'd do it often.he told me several tumes that he didnt want to breakup,but i insisted it was necessary. he'd try to withhold sex...and a few weeks prior to us parting ways for good he got drunk at a party and acted almost as if i werent there... One of his biggest issues was his ego and how others viewed him. Similar to many men i guess,he never thought any woman would ever tell him she would leave him and actually leave him. He would say it to one of his buddies and i despised it.... So when his buddy found out i was actually gonna leave, my ex seem to change...or reveal his true colors, i.e. drinking when he would always act holier than thou with his expectations of me , acting callous,etc. I viewed him as a hypocrite and therefor simply lost respect for him. Edited October 14, 2016 by tolduso05 Link to post Share on other sites
unevenXchange Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Recently broke up. I still read old messages that he texted me and look at old photos.Not ready to delete them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 i found out he would check my phone sometimes before i woke up in the mornings. before he'd leave for work, every single morning he'd come to my bedside and kiss me (yes sweet),but evidently before i actually woke up he'd check my phone and a few times he saw where 2 of my exes were trying to reconnect. i definitely turned them down,but he would make references(while picking arguments out of nowhere) to comments those older exes would say to me in text messages .he'd seem to get upset for no reason and walk out knowing it hurt me. I'd be confused and hurt about it, but he'd do it often.he told me several tumes that he didnt want to breakup,but i insisted it was necessary. he'd try to withhold sex...and a few weeks prior to us parting ways for good he got drunk at a party and acted almost as if i werent there... One of his biggest issues was his ego and how others viewed him. Similar to many men i guess,he never thought any woman would ever tell him she would leave him and actually leave him. He would say it to one of his buddies and i despised it.... So when his buddy found out i was actually gonna leave, my ex seem to change...or reveal his true colors, i.e. drinking when he would always act holier than thou with his expectations of me , acting callous,etc. I viewed him as a hypocrite and therefor simply lost respect for him. Interesting. Were you never afraid that he'd get violent or stalk you? Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Something new that is helping me cope: FaceTime with family (who don't live nearby)! I'm so sad I haven't been doing this at all until today. I was feeling kind of crummy today, thinking about the past and the uncertainty of the future. My mom unexpectedly called me via FaceTime on her iPad. We talked for an hour and then we watched a couple TV shows. So much fun. Really made me feel like I was in the living room and with my parents and their dog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Interesting. Were you never afraid that he'd get violent or stalk you? Well, him watching me in passing or kay driving by my home had definitely crossed my mind but I just watch my surroundings as i come and go. I'm not really scared. Had i stayed with him, i would've started to get a bit afraid because I know what he is capable of... Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Well, him watching me in passing or kay driving by my home had definitely crossed my mind but I just watch my surroundings as i come and go. I'm not really scared. Had i stayed with him, i would've started to get a bit afraid because I know what he is capable of... Good you left . I know it can still be a challenge forgetting about him, but keep in mind you may never completely forget him. However, the memories will come less frequently over time. And eventually he will become a bit of nothingness unless someone else brings him up. I know from experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 I can relate. And This is a big reason why I stay single. All that messy emotional stuff. It consumes you... your thoughts, your emotions, your daydreams, your nightmares, your life... both while you are in at as well as a long time after you've left it... so I think there's nothing unusual about this, OP. Relationships are an all or nothing deal. I find when I'm not in a relationship and free of emotional ties I actually LIVE MY LIFE more than when I'm with someone else.. I accomplish goals and dreams, and grow more as a person. Hate to say it but I've come to see relationships as a big reason why a lot of people are going nowhere fast... people are always either losing themselves in one or being crushed for years afterward and that's a lot of time and energy wasted on someone statistics say won't last. Meanwhile, what about the rest of their lives? You can discover some amazing things when you take the time to get to know yourself rather than always being focused on another person Hey Fair. Just curious. Do you not date anymore or do you just tell people you do not get involved in committed in relationships. Whichever it is,I wish there was an easy way to do that. Even if I know it may end eventually, I still want a companion in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 Good you left . I know it can still be a challenge forgetting about him, but keep in mind you may never completely forget him. However, the memories will come less frequently over time. And eventually he will become a bit of nothingness unless someone else brings him up. I know from experience. Yes, Thanks . I'm glad i left. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Hey Fair. Just curious. Do you not date anymore or do you just tell people you do not get involved in committed in relationships. Whichever it is,I wish there was an easy way to do that. Even if I know it may end eventually, I still want a companion in my life. I don't explain myself. It's not necessary. I've just become very, very discerning. Any half way experienced person... or even the not so experienced... can say they can smell a rat a mile away (it's called instinct... it's never wrong) but let them in the door anyway... out of loneliness. Where is the wisdom in that? Your time is the most precious thing you have. I repeat: Your time is the most precious thing you have. REALLY think about that. If you had some material object that by society's standards was very rare and very precious would you hand it to the first person you met on the street? Yet people do that with their LIVES. How many people have you met who are worth it? Companionship is a basic human need but be careful. You can easily throw your life and potential away on those who put no value on it, and so many people come to the end of their lives realizing they let someone else WASTE it. This is worth thinking about. Beyond that... it's all up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 @Fair...Yep, again I totally agree. Time is VERY valuable.... This is the main reason I left my fiance and several guys before him. I've become more discerning over the years, no doubt. And, yes maybe that's why I'm still single...I'm sure it's why. I know friends and faint members who married a be are still with people for their status financially or otherwise. Abs they go around "faking the funk",line everything is copacetic when in actuality it's not. And I wonder how on earth do people stay together just to say they are married. If this is what you're talking about, I'm the same way. Once I see something in someone's SPIRIT that's off putting, shady, etc I roll out. I've always been that way. Otherwise, I'd lose my sanity. My time and sanity are very important to me. Nowadays, I'm working on being even more discerning to the point where I listen to my gut immediately, instead of saying "maybe I'm just being too sensitive or hmmm,let's see what else may happen or let me give him one more chance to see if he's really an angry, jealous person that I can no longer be around. I just thought you meant that you don't even date(stay isolated even if you see someone you're attached to/almost like a monk or a nun),. because you never want to even chance getting burned... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 I think that one of the greatest gifts to have is DISCERNMENT. Albeit, not an easy feat always, as it sharpens it always works in your favor. One has to be prepared for push back and animosity from people who don't understand or simply don't agree with seemingly "out of the blue" decisions. Nothing to be taken personal. I'm learning in life that people will never agree with or understand every decision made by others(me), especially when and if it negatively affects them. And I'm gradually becoming ok with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolduso05 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yeah, I totally agree with the power of discernment. I'm single now and I'm sure that's one main reason why I cos have kept seeing men who I discovered are technically unavailable or keep seeing one of my exes. Neither are great options, messy. If I wanted drama I would've kept seeing an ex. I refuse. Link to post Share on other sites
unevenXchange Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I'm chiming in late but all i know to do is deal with the pain. Sometimes they (ex)call again, sometimes they don't. All depends on their ego i find... If i never hear from them again i think it helps both of us heal better, if the relationship was ever that serious to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Staying busy helps as well. While I'm taking care of life in general, I've seen him in passing too ironically a few times. Then suddenly he got ghost. So that's another game I play in my mind. That we're both missing each other from a distance. Neither of our egos will allow us to reach out to the other after all that's said and done. I stand firm on principles, he likes to think he does too... Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Took me about 2 years to get over ex ,even though I was the dumper. Not sure why... Link to post Share on other sites
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