Are Affairs just emotional cutting? Or emotional suicide?

[Chica80]

I've heard Affairs being compared to addictions. The high highs the low lows. The euphoric feelings and then the crashes. The withdraw when you are trying to end it or have been cut off. I've never been an addict but imagine it is comparable.

 

I have however suffered with really bad bouts of depression. I know what it's like to be in such emotional turmoil and pain that death seems like the only way out. When you're depressed the time that you are most at risk for suicidal actions are not when you are at the bottom, but when you are coming out of the deepest part of depression. It's when you can actually formulate a plan.

 

That started me wondering. If Affairs are very much like that. Seeing MM over the weekend. He is very much like a bandaid I need to cover up old wounds. To fill emotional holes. Or like a knife, when cutting it's painful but you actually feel something.

 

In the last almost two years, I've made many changes to my life, have grown a lot and learned a lot. Especially in IC. But when things occur, I still revert to the coping mechanisms I know...not the healthy ones. So in essence I'm trying to climb out of the hole. The Affair hole, except now that is clearer going back to MM is like an emotional suicide.

 

Not sure if anyone can relate....just posting my thoughts.

[DKT3]

I don't know, I've always thought in many cases, ones like yours that the women are punishing themselves by constantly seeking a man they know will mistreat and use them. So in that sense I think one could view it as self harm. I mean honestly, who actually believe the cock and bull that most of this men spew forward? I've rarely encountered a dull MW/OW on this site, all have been sharp, intelligent and insightful....except for....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've heard Affairs being compared to addictions. The high highs the low lows. The euphoric feelings and then the crashes. The withdraw when you are trying to end it or have been cut off. I've never been an addict but imagine it is comparable.

 

I have however suffered with really bad bouts of depression. I know what it's like to be in such emotional turmoil and pain that death seems like the only way out. When you're depressed the time that you are most at risk for suicidal actions are not when you are at the bottom, but when you are coming out of the deepest part of depression. It's when you can actually formulate a plan.

 

That started me wondering. If Affairs are very much like that. Seeing MM over the weekend. He is very much like a bandaid I need to cover up old wounds. To fill emotional holes. Or like a knife, when cutting it's painful but you actually feel something.

 

In the last almost two years, I've made many changes to my life, have grown a lot and learned a lot. Especially in IC. But when things occur, I still revert to the coping mechanisms I know...not the healthy ones. So in essence I'm trying to climb out of the hole. The Affair hole, except now that is clearer going back to MM is like an emotional suicide.

 

Not sure if anyone can relate....just posting my thoughts.

 

Everyone has different levels of drama and excitement they like in their lives. I think at a certain point you just need to see the difference between positive and negative excitement, if something brings you up or takes you down. For some people, like xmm, the affair added to his life, it completed it. For me, no.

 

Like any addiction, the only way to get over it is to go cold turkey.

[ladydesigner]

Everyone has different levels of drama and excitement they like in their lives. I think at a certain point you just need to see the difference between positive and negative excitement, if something brings you up or takes you down. For some people, like xmm, the affair added to his life, it completed it. For me, no.

 

Like any addiction, the only way to get over it is to go cold turkey.

 

A's are absolutely an addiction. They are different than normal relationships because the feelings seem to be more extreme, probably because it is taboo or hidden. Everything is magnified during an A similar to how drugs will magnify feelings.

 

Cold turkey IS the only way to get over it. I have never heard of an alcoholic kicking drinking by allowing themselves to have a sip once in awhile.

 

NC=No New Hurts

 

It's true!

[jenkins95]

My affair brought with it crazy highs and devastating lows - par for the course really, going from all the other experiences shared here on LS. I'd never, ever want to go through an experience like that again, especially as I'm finding out how damn long the recovery period is and how much it changes you permanently. I honestly think it would be the end of me if I did, and of course, it would be the end of my marriage - these are not the kind of mistakes that you tend to get a third chance at.

 

But for all the drama and pain, I have to say that I've never felt so alive in my life as I did throughout the A and it's aftermath. It's like a non stop rollercoaster ride. You never know what each new day will bring - mind blowing sex, declarations of love, declarations of hate, D-day? Wow, that's one game of Russian roulette that I am glad is behind me now.

[jenkins95]

A's are absolutely an addiction. They are different than normal relationships because the feelings seem to be more extreme, probably because it is taboo or hidden. Everything is magnified during an A similar to how drugs will magnify feelings.

 

Cold turkey IS the only way to get over it. I have never heard of an alcoholic kicking drinking by allowing themselves to have a sip once in awhile.

 

NC=No New Hurts

 

It's true!

 

Yes! This completely! The addiction thing is so true. Withdrawal from this most powerful of addictions is the reason that I now smoke, drink and eat to excess, along with indulging a whole host of OCD 'ticks'. I'm replacing my addiction with lots of other ones.

 

My health has suffered badly, including developing type 2 diabetes (I will update my health thread in the general section soon), but I simply didn't have the strength to give up my 'crutches'. But I feel ready now..... It's becoming a necessity as I'm quite a physical mess at the moment.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes! This completely! The addiction thing is so true. Withdrawal from this most powerful of addictions is the reason that I now smoke, drink and eat to excess, along with indulging a whole host of OCD 'ticks'. I'm replacing my addiction with lots of other ones.

 

My health has suffered badly, including developing type 2 diabetes (I will update my health thread in the general section soon), but I simply didn't have the strength to give up my 'crutches'. But I feel ready now..... It's becoming a necessity as I'm quite a physical mess at the moment.

 

That is horrible Jenkins. I have noticed the same thing with xmm. He looks terrible. He told me when we were talking that he had put on 25 lbs and he was already on blood pressure medication (the reason this all started), so I can only imagine his health today. I noticed he no longer wears his Fitbit as well so I imagine he has totally given up. He is only 2 years older than me but looks 10.

 

There was a time I felt bad for him and helped him but that time is gone. He made the active choice to be where he is. I don't care about him anymore. I have a husband to take care of. (although technically he cooks and takes care of me)

[jenkins95]

That is horrible Jenkins. I have noticed the same thing with xmm. He looks terrible. He told me when we were talking that he had put on 25 lbs and he was already on blood pressure medication (the reason this all started), so I can only imagine his health today. I noticed he no longer wears his Fitbit as well so I imagine he has totally given up. He is only 2 years older than me but looks 10.

 

There was a time I felt bad for him and helped him but that time is gone. He made the active choice to be where he is. I don't care about him anymore. I have a husband to take care of. (although technically he cooks and takes care of me)

 

Great attitude in your post. It warms my heart when you say 'I have a husband to take care of". Midnight, I really feel you have come on leaps and bounds in the last few weeks. Keep it up please!

 

When you write about xMM's physical condition perhaps this shows you that he is suffering a little more that you thought? (I refer to our exchange of a few weeks ago). Not that it makes much difference...... But perhaps it is slightly less painful to you to know that he didn't get away Scot-free. His weight gain and ageing a giveaway to me, because it is exactly like me. I dull my pain with things that are bad for me.

 

Last year I looked like a typical rugby player. I've now put on over 60lb since January ...... And now look like a big sack of potatoes. One of the hardest things was seeing my mum shocked and almost in tears when she saw me.

 

But I'm going to turn this around. I feel so much better even than two months ago.

 

My next addiction will be a healthy one - exercise, healthy eating and weight loss! .... And no more cigs and booze!

[HeCantBreakMe]

That is horrible Jenkins. I have noticed the same thing with xmm. He looks terrible. He told me when we were talking that he had put on 25 lbs and he was already on blood pressure medication (the reason this all started), so I can only imagine his health today. I noticed he no longer wears his Fitbit as well so I imagine he has totally given up. He is only 2 years older than me but looks 10.

 

There was a time I felt bad for him and helped him but that time is gone. He made the active choice to be where he is. I don't care about him anymore. I have a husband to take care of. (although technically he cooks and takes care of me)

 

YUP, my xMM lost weight when we started our affair - he is also a big drinker. I am going to guess if he doesn't take up running again as an addiction he will take up drinking more and will put the weight on.

 

Jenkins sorry to hear this. Don't trade in one addiction for another you are strong- and can get through this!

[jenkins95]

YUP, my xMM lost weight when we started our affair - he is also a big drinker. I am going to guess if he doesn't take up running again as an addiction he will take up drinking more and will put the weight on.

 

Jenkins sorry to hear this. Don't trade in one addiction for another you are strong- and can get through this!

 

Thanks hcbm. I am strong with friends like you. You wouldn't believe how much the supportive posts help.

 

Interesting that your xMM lost weight the beginning of the A. I did too. I'm embarrassed by it now - it was to impress her. I was acting like a dumb teenager!

 

She wouldn't be too impressed if she saw me now!!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Great attitude in your post. It warms my heart when you say 'I have a husband to take care of". Midnight, I really feel you have come on leaps and bounds in the last few weeks. Keep it up please!

 

When you write about xMM's physical condition perhaps this shows you that he is suffering a little more that you thought? (I refer to our exchange of a few weeks ago). Not that it makes much difference...... But perhaps it is slightly less painful to you to know that he didn't get away Scot-free. His weight gain and ageing a giveaway to me, because it is exactly like me. I dull my pain with things that are bad for me.

 

Last year I looked like a typical rugby player. I've now put on over 60lb since January ...... And now look like a big sack of potatoes. One of the hardest things was seeing my mum shocked and almost in tears when she saw me.

 

But I'm going to turn this around. I feel so much better even than two months ago.

 

My next addiction will be a healthy one - exercise, healthy eating and weight loss! .... And no more cigs and booze!

 

I am sorry you are having health issues. Since it's relatively recent, you can definitely change it around. I personally do like alcohol but I agree, you should avoid liquor as it ages you and beer makes you fat. I hope you like wine. Smoking is of course horrible.

 

xMM was in shape long ago. He had come to me because he was put on BP meds and he knew I was on the Paleo diet and his doctor had suggested it to help him get his health under control. He had asked his wife for help and she had said to just take the pills, that she liked their diet and was not going to change (she is heavy and always was that way). I get all excited by this stuff, it is not what I do professionally but I am all into it as is my husband. I was kind of an idiot and wrote xmm these long instructions - grocery lists, diet, etc - which his wife was aware of but was not bothered. This was actually before anything happened.

 

He lost 30 lbs and the dtr was considering taking him off the meds. The other reason he wanted off the meds was the main side effect is ED. Since he and his wife were roommates, she did not care about this but it bothered him. I got dragged into their own marital drama because of my overzealous enthusiasm to help people. (this is a flaw I have since become very aware of). He became very enamored and idolized me because I was so different and I had helped him. He started counting steps and all that stuff.

 

But then we got involved and 5 months later, it ended and one of the things his wife put an end to was his new diet. As a condition to rebuilding the marriage, he had to go back to their former lifestyle as she felt more secure. So he put back all the weight on plus 20 more. He also seems to have lost his hair, and shrunk (though that could be my perception of him as I am taller than him) So now he is like George Castanza and I am not really sure what I saw in him.

 

He actually came to me this past summer and asked if I would be his coach again, can you imagine? For maybe a month this summer he was fitbit friends with me but then he was losing weight - with MY friends in the competitions. And I thought...na, not again. Screw this. And I deleted him. He has no fitbit friends so he eventually stopped wearing it. I told him to buy one for his wife as I did most of my hikes with my husband.

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys. He's on his own.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am sorry you are having health issues. Since it's relatively recent, you can definitely change it around. I personally do like alcohol but I agree, you should avoid liquor as it ages you and beer makes you fat. I hope you like wine. Smoking is of course horrible.

 

xMM was in shape long ago. He had come to me because he was put on BP meds and he knew I was on the Paleo diet and his doctor had suggested it to help him get his health under control. He had asked his wife for help and she had said to just take the pills, that she liked their diet and was not going to change (she is heavy and always was that way). I get all excited by this stuff, it is not what I do professionally but I am all into it as is my husband. I was kind of an idiot and wrote xmm these long instructions - grocery lists, diet, etc - which his wife was aware of but was not bothered. This was actually before anything happened.

 

He lost 30 lbs and the dtr was considering taking him off the meds. The other reason he wanted off the meds was the main side effect is ED. Since he and his wife were roommates, she did not care about this but it bothered him. I got dragged into their own marital drama because of my overzealous enthusiasm to help people. (this is a flaw I have since become very aware of). He became very enamored and idolized me because I was so different and I had helped him. He started counting steps and all that stuff.

 

But then we got involved and 5 months later, it ended and one of the things his wife put an end to was his new diet. As a condition to rebuilding the marriage, he had to go back to their former lifestyle as she felt more secure. So he put back all the weight on plus 20 more. He also seems to have lost his hair, and shrunk (though that could be my perception of him as I am taller than him) So now he is like George Castanza and I am not really sure what I saw in him.

 

He actually came to me this past summer and asked if I would be his coach again, can you imagine? For maybe a month this summer he was fitbit friends with me but then he was losing weight - with MY friends in the competitions. And I thought...na, not again. Screw this. And I deleted him. He has no fitbit friends so he eventually stopped wearing it. I told him to buy one for his wife as I did most of my hikes with my husband.

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys. He's on his own.

 

Lol!!! Sorry but the George Castanza comment made me giggle.

[jenkins95]

.......he put back all the weight on plus 20 more. He also seems to have lost his hair, and shrunk (though that could be my perception of him as I am taller than him) So now he is like George Castanza and I am not really sure what I saw in him.......

 

Jeez, midnight! What an unfortunate transformation! You've actually got me feeling sorry for the guy!..... I'm just off to the mirror to check my hairline! I'm paranoid now!

 

I'm so encouraged by your posts - indifference is starting to replace anger! Wonderful!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks hcbm. I am strong with friends like you. You wouldn't believe how much the supportive posts help.

 

Interesting that your xMM lost weight the beginning of the A. I did too. I'm embarrassed by it now - it was to impress her. I was acting like a dumb teenager!

 

She wouldn't be too impressed if she saw me now!!!!

 

Now you get to lose the weight and do it to impress your wife!! Don't worry I bought a lot of clothes to impress him. Gag me --

[oceansaway]

Affairs are absolutely a addiction issue. They are not "real" relationshipspa. Meaning the mostly are just "highs" when in the midst of contact with each other. They don't have to deal with kids, money, etc.

I replaced my addiction to MM...however I turned my focus on myself. Eating healthy and going to the gym 7 days a week. I has helped tremendously! I feel good and look good.

Turn your focus upon yourself

[jenkins95]

Now you get to lose the weight and do it to impress your wife!! Don't worry I bought a lot of clothes to impress him. Gag me --

 

Oh hcbm! We actually went shopping for underwear which she would 'model' later........ How much more of a clichéd affair situation could you get!!!

 

I shudder with embarrassment and shame now.... It just seemed like such good fun at the time!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Now you get to lose the weight and do it to impress your wife!! Don't worry I bought a lot of clothes to impress him. Gag me --

 

I bought a lot of clothes too, dresses - and flats since he is short (haha). After it ended, I bought all these 4 inch heeled boots and shoes. I'm 5'10. You should see me in 4 inch heels. LOL I'll step on ya.

[jenkins95]

Affairs are absolutely a addiction issue. They are not "real" relationshipspa. Meaning the mostly are just "highs" when in the midst of contact with each other. They don't have to deal with kids, money, etc.

I replaced my addiction to MM...however I turned my focus on myself. Eating healthy and going to the gym 7 days a week. I has helped tremendously! I feel good and look good.

Turn your focus upon yourself

 

Great post oceans. During my A we were constantly in "courtship mode" - sex, champagne, telling each other how wonderful were, etc! It did feel real at the time, but now many months later, I see it fit the fantasy it was. Great effort at the gym - I'll be using your example for inspiration!

[jenkins95]

I bought a lot of clothes too, dresses - and flats since he is short (haha). After it ended, I bought all these 4 inch heeled boots and shoes. I'm 5'10. You should see me in 4 inch heels. LOL I'll step on ya.

 

I'm picturing it now! An impressive image! Especially with him about 6 inches below you, completely in your shadow, desperately trying to stand on his tiptoes!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh hcbm! We actually went shopping for underwear which she would 'model' later........ How much more of a clichéd affair situation could you get!!!

 

I shudder with embarrassment and shame now.... It just seemed like such good fun at the time!

 

That is really funny. I never did that stuff but one thing I do laugh at is he had never seen a thong. He was so fascinated by it, which I don't think is a big deal. It's just underwear.

He did say I had ruined everything for him now. funny

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm picturing it now! An impressive image! Especially with him about 6 inches below you, completely in your shadow, desperately trying to stand on his tiptoes!

 

I think it didn't bother him. Some guys like tall women. It bothered me though. My H is 6'3. We look better together.

 

I always felt like an amazon with mm. My hands were bigger than his. It was like holding hands with my son. eww.

[Chica80]

Ugh...I have gained weight...In the beginning I was losing and doing better. I was eating good working out.

 

Now I eat awful....A big part is diet and exercise mostly I'm sure, but I think the antidepressants don't help. My Dr upped my dose since I separated and moved out.

 

I have no motivation whatsoever I'm constantly tired....I don't sleep well. I went from working part time to almost full time. I'm also back in school.. So between work my kids and school. I'm exhausted to say the least.

I wish I could say I replace bad addictions with good. But no... It's food, spending and LS!!!

 

Sex has always been stress relief for me...Thus why I asked MM to come over. I needed "relief". I'm much more a "man" in this regard.

[jenkins95]

I think it didn't bother him. Some guys like tall women. It bothered me though. My H is 6'3. We look better together.

 

I always felt like an amazon with mm. My hands were bigger than his. It was like holding hands with my son. eww.

 

I can see that you are really getting past him now midnight. These are great posts! The thong story made me laugh too!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ugh...I have gained weight...In the beginning I was losing and doing better. I was eating good working out.

 

Now I eat awful....A big part is diet and exercise mostly I'm sure, but I think the antidepressants don't help. My Dr upped my dose since I separated and moved out.

 

I have no motivation whatsoever I'm constantly tired....I don't sleep well. I went from working part time to almost full time. I'm also back in school.. So between work my kids and school. I'm exhausted to say the least.

I wish I could say I replace bad addictions with good. But no... It's food, spending and LS!!!

 

Sex has always been stress relief for me...Thus why I asked MM to come over. I needed "relief". I'm much more a "man" in this regard.

 

It's a habit like any other but I am with you. Moving to self employment and working at home has been a huge adjustment. I am trying to create a schedule but it is tough. It basically revolves around the kids schedule. My diet is eh and the gym, eh. To give credit where credit is due, my H cooks for me. I think he is making me a bowl of vegetable for dinner tonight. Otherwise, I'd eat crap all the time.

 

LS is an addiction as well. I actually bought a TV to play while I work. It helps keep me off the internet.

 

Meds definitely make you fat. I hated being on them.

 

I've become like a man in that regard as well, it happened when I hit 42 and changed my diet. We gave up flour and sugar, they kill the libido. It's also why I knew it would not work with xmm. Who could go 3 years without it? I can barely go 3 days.

[gettingstronger]

Yes! This completely! The addiction thing is so true. Withdrawal from this most powerful of addictions is the reason that I now smoke, drink and eat to excess, along with indulging a whole host of OCD 'ticks'. I'm replacing my addiction with lots of other ones.

 

My health has suffered badly, including developing type 2 diabetes (I will update my health thread in the general section soon), but I simply didn't have the strength to give up my 'crutches'. But I feel ready now..... It's becoming a necessity as I'm quite a physical mess at the moment.

 

 

Yes, please right your ship! My husband did the same thing and I told him- the last thing I need is this big emotional mess using his past bad behavior to fuel his new pity party of bad behaviors. In essence I told him to man up and face his mess with some common sense. He did, thankfully. Wallowing in his self pity was obnoxious and tiresome.