Grapesofwrath Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hi. I have been divorced for about 6 years. It was contentious, though we have settled into a fairly cordial co-parenting pattern over the years. Finances were a big problem in our marriage and I had to pay spousal support for a time. His financial bungling also caused us to declare bankruptcy. Our older son is now looking at high schools. We live in a big city, so the public high schools are a mixed bag. He is applying to the city's magnet school, and some other publics just in case. My older brother, who is very well off, has offered to help pay for private school so my son can have better educational options. My ex-husband seemed okay with that idea, though he has done nothing to help me with research or preparation. That's fine, as long as he doesn't become a barrier. He went to a magnet school in his city, and seemed to support this option the most, but was willing to consider private schools too if it would cost him nothing. Tonight, while my son stopped by to pick up some things, he told me that he thinks we should consider boarding schools and that my son is "open to the idea." My ex-SIL went to a very elite boarding school and I remember her saying that she felt abandoned and rejected by her parents, but I guess she's changed her tune. I told him I would not agree to send my son to a boarding school on the other side of the country. I won't send him to boarding school at all. I think he's trying to manipulate me (he's like that) by suggesting something he knows I won't agree to. Then he can say, "if you don't agree to boarding school, I don't agree to XX private school." He wants control, even though he could be depriving his son of something great. What should I do? Just let it run its course? He won't get organized to do anything about it, and I won't do it for him, so it will end up being a moot point. Or do I need to get prepared to do battle with him? Would he really deprive his son of a private school education to prove that he is the one in charge? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Tonight, while my son stopped by to pick up some things, he told me that he thinks we should consider boarding schools and that my son is "open to the idea." My ex-SIL went to a very elite boarding school and I remember her saying that she felt abandoned and rejected by her parents, but I guess she's changed her tune. I told him I would not agree to send my son to a boarding school on the other side of the country. I won't send him to boarding school at all. I think he's trying to manipulate me (he's like that) by suggesting something he knows I won't agree to. Then he can say, "if you don't agree to boarding school, I don't agree to XX private school." He wants control, even though he could be depriving his son of something great. What should I do? Just let it run its course? He won't get organized to do anything about it, and I won't do it for him, so it will end up being a moot point. Or do I need to get prepared to do battle with him? Would he really deprive his son of a private school education to prove that he is the one in charge? Isn't a boarding school an order of magnitude more expensive than the private school you're considering? How would your ex propose footing the bill? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hi. My older brother, who is very well off, has offered to help pay for private school so my son can have better educational options. My ex-husband seemed okay with that idea, though he has done nothing to help me with research or preparation. That's fine, as long as he doesn't become a barrier. He went to a magnet school in his city, and seemed to support this option the most, but was willing to consider private schools too if it would cost him nothing. Tonight, while my son stopped by to pick up some things, he told me that he thinks we should consider boarding schools and that my son is "open to the idea." My ex-SIL went to a very elite boarding school and I remember her saying that she felt abandoned and rejected by her parents, but I guess she's changed her tune. I told him I would not agree to send my son to a boarding school on the other side of the country. I won't send him to boarding school at all. I think he's trying to manipulate me (he's like that) by suggesting something he knows I won't agree to. Then he can say, "if you don't agree to boarding school, I don't agree to XX private school." He wants control, even though he could be depriving his son of something great. What should I do? Just let it run its course? He won't get organized to do anything about it, and I won't do it for him, so it will end up being a moot point. Or do I need to get prepared to do battle with him? Would he really deprive his son of a private school education to prove that he is the one in charge? First, where are you located? State and/or province/country will suffice. Well this sounds like a negotiation....not necessarily manipulation, control, whatever. I would call his bluff and say no...don't worry, he cannot send your son out of the area without your consent in any state in the US... Odds are he will back down. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Private schools don't represent the greater society, it's normally a large collection of like minded parents trying to funnel their kids into the same way if thinking. Both my wife and I attended California's Mater dei high school, one if the most prestigious school in America, whike the education was too notch I don't feel it prepared us well with dealing with what came in college and beyond. Started our kids in private school and have since switched to public school 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alwaysgrow Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 First - I want to say that it's great that you are able to have a fairly cordial co-parenting relationship! Second - did he mention how he would pay for it since it would be a lot more expensive? Have you talked to your son about it, or just to his dad? I would like to believe that all parents would see out what is best for their kids, but I know that's not the case. Talk to your son and see what his thoughts are. If he is actually against it, then perhaps he could talk to his dad. I do hope this wouldn't keep his dad from considering local school options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Isn't a boarding school an order of magnitude more expensive than the private school you're considering? How would your ex propose footing the bill? Mr. Lucky Yes, it is. Not to mention all the attendant expenses of travel, etc. My xH is not going to pay. He can't pay. He is a finanicial train wreck. What he is suggesting is that my brother should pay, which he won't, because boarding school was not the agreement. The agreement was private school. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 First, where are you located? State and/or province/country will suffice. Well this sounds like a negotiation....not necessarily manipulation, control, whatever. I would call his bluff and say no...don't worry, he cannot send your son out of the area without your consent in any state in the US... Odds are he will back down. Thank you for responding. We live in the U.S., in California. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Private schools don't represent the greater society, it's normally a large collection of like minded parents trying to funnel their kids into the same way if thinking. Both my wife and I attended California's Mater dei high school, one if the most prestigious school in America, whike the education was too notch I don't feel it prepared us well with dealing with what came in college and beyond. Started our kids in private school and have since switched to public school Thanks, DKT3. My children both currently attend public school. We have had a wonderful experience with it and I am very satisfied. They attend a special school in our city that offers language immersion, which they completed. It's been great. (BTW, the language they learned is the language of their father's culture and background. I supported that fully--even though it has nothing to do with my culture--because I felt it would be enriching for them, and a unique experience, which it has been.) We do live in a city that does not have "neighborhood high schools" so the options for public high school are not as wonderful across the board. I am not opposed to public high school, I just want them to have options. We will apply to both public and private high schools then decide from among the options available. I am a product of public schools, and they did not prevent me from attending a very prestigious private university and a very prestigious public graduate school. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 What he is suggesting is that my brother should pay Well heck, I'm good at spending other people's money too. Send him here: Salisbury School | Home $50K per year... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 When your ex foots the bill for tuition he can choose where your child will go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Yes, it is. Not to mention all the attendant expenses of travel, etc. My xH is not going to pay. He can't pay. He is a finanicial train wreck. What he is suggesting is that my brother should pay, which he won't, because boarding school was not the agreement. The agreement was private school. Unless your ex' relatives/friends are offering to foot the bill for his proposal, then boarding schools are not an option. Your brother is already being more than generous to foot your son's private school bill. Sadly, give some people a gift and they feel entitled to grab at everything else within sight rather than being grateful for the gift they've just been given. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Unless your ex' relatives/friends are offering to foot the bill for his proposal, then boarding schools are not an option. Your brother is already being more than generous to foot your son's private school bill. Sadly, give some people a gift and they feel entitled to grab at everything else within sight rather than being grateful for the gift they've just been given. Yes. Absolutely true of my xH, which is one of the reasons why he is my EX-husband and no longer my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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