Are MMs who feel absolutely no guilt for hurting their wives sociopaths?

[heartwhole]

As a mother I am concerned with the social-emotional development of my children. I want them to develop skills such as

*impulse control

*frustration tolerance

*problem solving

*resilience

*conflict resolution

*recognition and negotiation of needs

*healthy self-esteem

*healthy boundaries

 

And so on and so forth. I posit that in most cases, people in affairs have issues with some or all of the above. A man who needs an attractive single female to listen sympathetically about his marriage could probably use a refresher on conflict resolution, communicating needs, boundaries, etc. A woman who responds to the attentions of a married man could probably use a refresher on healthy self-esteem, judgment, etc. Probably neither is a sociopath but both need to dig deep and figure out why such an untenable, destructive path seemed attractive to them at the time.

 

I think that painting someone as the villain to avoid one's own complicity is another symptom of emotional immaturity. During the affair it is the BW who is "controlling" and to blame for the MM's unhappiness. After the affair ends, the affair partners turn on each other and cast the other as a sociopath who premeditated the affair with no guilt or love or conscience. More realistically, probably it is just a confused person who made bad choices and is now trying to make sense of it all, and lacking all the skills that would have come in handy in preventing an affair in the first place, isn't going to sit down for serious introspection and ownership. If they were that emotionally aware, they probably would have sorted out the issues in their marriage and either divorced or been satisfied with their marriage from the start. Or from the single OW's side, they would have immediately run in the other direction when lines were crossed with an unavailable man because they would have realized he was bad news simply by his willingness to "go there."

 

I can totally understand why an OW would feel rage towards the xMM and decide he acted in bad faith with malicious intent from the start. She doesn't want to feel the weight of having knowingly walked down a self-destructive path on top of the heartache and rejection she's feeling. But I think once the initial sting is past, it's important to retrace your steps and figure out why you were susceptible to the attentions of a married man to begin with. How did you creatively interpret the facts at the time to see his willingness to have secret sex with you while married as a positive thing? If you were motivated by loneliness and boosting your self-esteem, what can you do to bolster yourself in a healthy way going forward? It feels easier to say, "I am a good person because I was seduced by a sociopath," but it won't help you learn about yourself and grow from the situation.

 

Of course there are predatory men (and women) who make women/men into conquests, but assuming we have the old "We became friends and it led to more yadda yadda yadda" story, then I doubt either person was being completely disingenuous with the other person. The problem is that sometimes we don't realize we're being disingenuous with ourselves.

[Mayday2016]

My xMM hurt everyone. Literally everyone. And he was only focus on how it affected him. He never meant any of the sorries he said. I think mine was a rare breed, the worst kind. The damage he has done is insurmountable to all involved. Yet, he thinks everyone else deserves the blame.

[Quiet Storm]

There are people who feel no guilt at all, that's sociopathic. I don't think that applies to most MM.

 

I think most MM are just emotionally stunted messes of men- usually conflict avoiders. They feel guilt, but have trained their brains to automatically suppress it and push it out of their minds. It seems sociopathic, but is really just a bad coping mechanism (unhealthy coping skills that usually develop during a dysfunctional/ traumatic childhood). They avoid conflict by having an affair instead of working on their marriage or divorcing. They avoid conflict with OW by telling her what she wants to hear. And they avoid conflict with themselves by avoiding negative feelings, like guilt.

[sandylee1]

But if mr jones didn't drop his trousers then another woman wouldn't have that opportunity.

 

I'm not blameless no but I'll never understand women that flat out blame the other woman. No affair can happen if the mr isn't willing

 

The OW is justas responsible for hurting the BW.

 

You want happiness? Find a single man.

 

MM exist because OW are willing participants.

 

Just like drug dealers exist, because of junkies.

[sandylee1]

I have read many stories on this forum. There seem to be two kinds of MMs: Those who feel enormous guilt toward their wives and then exhibit push-pull behaviors during the affair and those who feel no guilt at all and even in fact take pride in having two women fulfilling their needs.

 

I just wonder whether those who feel no guilt are all sociopaths and are absolutely incapable of empathy. Your thoughts?

 

I wouldn't really call them sociopaths. Their justlying, cheating, sefish bas***DS. Who are also full of themselves because they have persuaded another woman to be their bit of extra and to keep her mouth shut about it.

[heartwhole]

I think it's more common than most people suspect.

 

I think most people think it's around 1-1000 to 1-10000

But it's around 1-25 to 1-100.

 

That can be 4% of the population. Quite a few. One in the average classroom.

 

 

But if infidelity rates are at least 40%, then your odds of it being because of sociopathy are still not high.

[wmacbride]

But if infidelity rates are at least 40%, then your odds of it being because of sociopathy are still not high.

 

I've read before that anti social personality disorder is higher in some professions that others ( e.g.- business executives, academics, certain medical specialties).

 

I wonder if people in those professions have higher rates of being involved in affairs on a serial basis.

[Lovetoohard]

I think it's easy to talk about things in absolutes. There are behaviors that people exhibit that are somewhere along a spectrum. I think repetitive behavior that is hurtful to others for one's own gain without any remorse or guilt certainly points to a disordered individual on some level. It's hard to generalize that all MM's that cheat without guilt or remorse are sociopaths. My xMM isn't the kind of person who would enjoy drowning kittens or anything, but he's certainly behaved repeatedly in a vile manner without any type of guilt, while deliberately presenting a completely contradictory image of himself in a favorable light to the public. Does that make it sociopath-like behavior? Sure. Is he a true sociopath? Only a professional would be able to diagnose him.

[smackie9]

The cause of such behavior can stem from, depression, addicted to sex, alcoholism, mental illness, drug addiction, learned behavior, etc. so it's not necessarily a question of being a sociopath.

 

You can't diagnose this without the help of a professional.