Divorced boyfriend is still "married"

[marii]

I hope I am posting this in the right place. Looking for advice/insight from those who have been through the separation or divorce process, especially those who have kids...

 

*First I ask that you reserve any judgment. I am aware the situation isn't ideal and I know I am taking a huge risk. Thank you.

 

My boyfriend lives with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for 4 years and have 2 kids ages 5 and 12. Basically they got married when she got pregnant with the first child. The marriage soon collapsed, but stayed together so their kid could have a complete family. When they were on the brink of calling it quits, they decided to have another baby because their kid wanted a sibling and they thought it would fix their marriage, but of course that didn't work out and finally divorced a year later.

 

Because their kids are so young, they didn't want to put them through the divorce process and decided to co-parent and live together. The thing is they are also basically in a pretend marriage -- his ex's family DOES NOT know they are divorced. My boyfriend is having a hard time breaking it to them and his ex is vehemently against it to save face since their culture does not believe in getting divorced (and definitely not having kids out of wedlock).

 

This puts me in an awkward position because I want to be patient and supportive, but I know I also have to protect myself and set boundaries. His ex is already making the situation so difficult and I don't want to add to that, but I also don't want to be a doormat or be disrespected.

 

I want to believe he's taking all the necessary steps to take care of things, but I also worry that he might be stalling because of his kids and because of the drama when his ex's family finally finds out. Not to mention the financial fall out and any custody battles.

 

Their arrangement was going fine until he met me. He never planned on being in a relationship or ever get married again, then I came along. We were friends first, and we never expected to become so close and eventually fall for one another. I don't think anyone was prepared for any of this, but he has promised me he will handle everything.

 

Can you guys give me some insight as to what goes through a divorced couple's minds in this situation? And what I should be doing to better handle it?

 

sorry this is so long, but thank you in advance.

[elaine567]

Because their kids are so young, they didn't want to put them through the divorce process and decided to co-parent and live together. The thing is they are also basically in a pretend marriage -- his ex's family DOES NOT know they are divorced. My boyfriend is having a hard time breaking it to them and his ex is vehemently against it to save face since their culture does not believe in getting divorced (and definitely not having kids out of wedlock).

Can you guys give me some insight as to what goes through a divorced couple's minds in this situation?.

 

This is not just some ordinary divorced couple, this is two people forced to live in this way due to cultural norms.

You need to be careful, he may be playing you here. What evidence do you have that there is any divorce? or he may just be happy to keep you on the side for ever and a day and his wife can do little about it, so has to play the game for her kids. Have you ever spoken to the wife?

I guess he CANNOT ever marry you, as his culture would not allow, am I right?

[standtall]

Wow..it sounds like you have really bit into this one. I don't know what is more incredible....his story or the fact you believe it. You are his mistress, he is still married, and that makes him a cheater and you are his affair partner no matter how he wants to spin it. He has the best of both worlds. ...cake eating, whatever you want to call it.

[PegNosePete]

what I should be doing to better handle it?

You should tell him to call you when he's single and free to start another relationship.

 

I guess he CANNOT ever marry you, as his culture would not allow, am I right?

Yet his culture allows having a mistress on the side. Hmm.

[alwaysgrow]

You need to tread very carefully here. I think the other posters have very valid questions. If he's telling the truth, it seems he is trying to do what is best for his children - maybe not the way I would do it, but he does seem to be thinking about them. Is that something that you want to interfere with? Please guard your heart, as this is a very questionable arrangement.

[marii]

Like I prefaced, please don't pass judgment. I did not come here to be judged, I came here for advice. I am not a mistress and it's not some story. I didn't realize people here were so quick to jump to conclusions. Per my post:

 

The thing is they are also basically in a pretend marriage -- his ex's family DOES NOT know they are divorced. My boyfriend is having a hard time breaking it to them and his ex is vehemently against it to save face since their culture does not believe in getting divorced (and definitely not having kids out of wedlock).

 

Now that I've reiterated it for those who chose to skip that part, I'd appreciate any other advice. Thank you.

[marii]

To add, my boyfriend is American and we live in NYC, so divorce here is definitely acceptable. My fault for not clarifying that.

[marii]

This is not just some ordinary divorced couple, this is two people forced to live in this way due to cultural norms.

You need to be careful, he may be playing you here. What evidence do you have that there is any divorce? or he may just be happy to keep you on the side for ever and a day and his wife can do little about it, so has to play the game for her kids. Have you ever spoken to the wife?

I guess he CANNOT ever marry you, as his culture would not allow, am I right?

 

Hi, thank you for not jumping to conclusions. Yes his wife knows about me, however, I do avoid going to his house (his house, his name on the property) when she is home or their children are home.

 

His family knows about the divorce too and he has introduced me to them. I actually knew his brother before I knew him, so he knows all about our relationship.

 

Again, my fault for not clearing this up. I thought it was clear in my post that the issue is his ex, not the credibility of his "story."

Edited October 11, 2016 by marii

[marii]

You need to tread very carefully here. I think the other posters have very valid questions. If he's telling the truth, it seems he is trying to do what is best for his children - maybe not the way I would do it, but he does seem to be thinking about them. Is that something that you want to interfere with? Please guard your heart, as this is a very questionable arrangement.

 

I agree with you. If I had children, it's not the way I would do it either, but I am trying to keep an open mind to respect his ex's culture and as the mother of his children.

 

I'm not sure that their living situation is that uncommon. I've been reading more about it since I am living it, and apparently more and more divorced or separated couples are living together for one reason or another, namely children and finances. I can only name one couple that I know personally though (other than my boyfriend and his ex) and it is because of finances.

 

I do believe that he thought he was doing what was best for his kids at the time. He never really had to question the arrangement until I came along. I'm not saying that to brag, I'm saying he didn't think he'd want be in a relationship or want to get married again, so he wasn't prepared to have to make this decision/change.

 

Thank you, I am trying to guard my heart. It's just so hard to find a balance between being patient/supportive and making sure I protect myself too.

Edited October 11, 2016 by marii

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically they got married when she got pregnant with the first child. The marriage soon collapsed, but stayed together so their kid could have a complete family. When they were on the brink of calling it quits, they decided to have another baby because their kid wanted a sibling and they thought it would fix their marriage, but of course that didn't work out and finally divorced a year later.

 

marii, you must know other divorced people, right?

 

So you're aware that, if your BF wanted, there are ways to live separately and successfully co-parent as the participants move on with their lives. And yet he chooses not to do so. At the minimum. should be a huge red flag.

 

The most likely outcome is hurt and uncertainty on your part. Relationships are hard enough, seems you'd want to start with less drama and a greater chance of success...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

PS - How do you know he really is divorced ???

[marii]

marii, you must know other divorced people, right?

 

So you're aware that, if your BF wanted, there are ways to live separately and successfully co-parent as the participants move on with their lives. And yet he chooses not to do so. At the minimum. should be a huge red flag.

 

The most likely outcome is hurt and uncertainty on your part. Relationships are hard enough, seems you'd want to start with less drama and a greater chance of success...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

PS - How do you know he really is divorced ???

 

Hi Mr. Lucky, we must have been posting at the same time. I know he really is divorced she knows about me and his family have met me too.

 

Yes, I agree with the bold -- it's just he never wanted to until now and is taking action towards that.

[standtall]

No judgement here, stating facts as they are in the webster dictionary. Maybe your culture calls a mistress something else? I think your misinterpreting the truth for judgement or something.

 

Besides, you are the OW to a MM...you're gonna pull down the thunder in the separation and divorce section. Perhaps moving this to the OM/OW section will help your sensitivities?

[marii]

No judgement here, stating facts as they are in the webster dictionary. Maybe your culture calls a mistress something else? I think your misinterpreting the truth for judgement or something.

 

Besides, you are the OW to a MM...you're gonna pull down the thunder in the separation and divorce section. Perhaps moving this to the OM/OW section will help your sensitivities?

 

Facts? What I wrote are facts that people are glossing over just to call me a mistress when as I have repeatedly pointed out is not the case. Labeling me as an affair partner is not a fact, but a judgment.

 

Again, it's HER culture that has the issue. My boyfriend is very close to her family and it will break their heart and change things forever. My boyfriend and I are both American, born and raised.

 

Can we please get over the OW/MM thing... there is no affair. His family knows they are divorced, their friends know they are divorced. The only ones that don't are her family.

[marii]

I thought posting in this section would help me find the right people who have been through the divorce process and help me understand the ins and outs, what happens emotionally, children and in-laws. Especially those with young children or who chose/had to cohabitate post-divorce.

 

If no one can help, that is okay. Thank you anyway.

[elaine567]

What culture is she from?

[marii]

What culture is she from?

 

She is Japanese. Divorce is more common now in Japan, but her family and other Japanese families I know/have asked still view it as very shameful and attach a huge stigma to it. When they first had marital problems, before they had their younger child, her family kept urging them to fix the marriage and wouldn't even hear about a possible separation. They refuse that their daughter be the one kid who had the "failed" marriage and "illegitimate" children (her family's words, not mine). Her family is also really concerned with their reputation and what extended family, friends and outsiders will think.

 

I do wonder if anyone else here has ever had to face the stigma of divorce? I know the stigma isn't as bad in some countries versus others, but I'd appreciate any thoughts.

[Tayla]

I thought posting in this section would help me find the right people who have been through the divorce process and help me understand the ins and outs, what happens emotionally, children and in-laws. Especially those with young children or who chose/had to cohabitate post-divorce.

 

If no one can help, that is okay. Thank you anyway.

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling that the answers are not coming quickly to resolve your concerns. When divorce happens- the assets are split . if children are involved. A court order for custody is decided upon. Each side compromises.

 

The reason I side with a question that was posed and went unanswered is: Where is the proof of the divorce? Ask him to show you. Its not that hard to ask. your answers will be there. If you though are asking about this specific scenario, that more then likely was not court ordered.

 

I absolutely encourage co parenting. in separate households.

[hippychick3]

I lived with my spouse post-divorce for 1 month while waiting to close on my house. As short a time as it was, that month was hell because the main reason I got divorced in the first place was to NOT have to live with my spouse anymore.

 

Your bf's situation makes no sense whatsoever. It doesn't sound like there was any reason to divorce if they were going to continue to live together after. Therefore, I also have a hard time believing he really is divorced.

 

But honestly, even if I had proof that he was, I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole.

[aussietigerwolf]

My concern with this entire scenario (for you) is when does it end? What happens if you want to get married or have children? What happens when his get older? He may be able to pretend happy families now but all too soon kids get old enough to at least get an idea that things aren't as they seem.

[Just a Guy]

Lady having read your posts I get the feeling that you are shying away from facing facts head on. It's the old ostrich burying it's head in the sand syndrome. This guy friend of yours does not have the moral courage to face up to his situation and just take the necessary steps to free himself from his ex wife. All this talk of sticking around for the sake of his children is all very well but I don't understand how in this day and age adults who should know better would have a child which was not planned for when all the various means of contraception were available to them. Something about the account as you have narrated it does not add up. Either your BF mans up and detaches himself from what seems an untenable situation or you detach yourself from him and find yourself a wholesome guy without the baggage this one is carrying around with him.

 

For the sake of getting a perspective on the Japanese aspect of your BF's marriage I would direct you to read the story of Hurt Husband in the infidelity sub forum. As the slogan in the movie Forrest Hump put it "Ru Forrest run"! Warm wishes.

[SnowBaby]

I can see why he is living with the exwife until he met you. It is the easy way out.

 

Having two households is expensive, if he leaves he will have to pay for his own place and on top of that he will have Child support, medical, daycare. By staying he has to pay to only one rent bill, no child support, etc. And on top of that he has all of the creature comforts of home. He gets meals, a clean house, and a fairly intact family.

 

Their relationship may not be about sex. My husbands ex and him got along fine, their issues were that they had lost the spark for each other, and neither of them wanted to be with each other physically. But like your boyfriend is, before I came along they were emotionally meshed years after divorce.

 

So while their arrangement works for now, it is allowing neither of them to move on. The kids are going to see you as the "other" woman. Because their extended family who don't know about the divorce will tell them so, because they don't know the whole truth.

 

Either way this is eventually going to cause resentment in you. He is going to be enmeshed with her in an emotional level as he is now. If he leaves the house, she may become volitile, not because she misses him or even wants him, but because it would cause a disruption in her kids life. Never underestimate the power of a mama-bear.

 

You need to tell him to handle this. Tell him that you when he makes the break, to give you a call, and if you are still available you can talk then.

 

I am telling you that so that you don't become the target of everyone's anger. The kids anger, the ex's wrath, and the guilty feeling he has. He needs to deal with that on his own and protect you from that.

[standtall]

Have you seen the divorce papers? Living together for 4 yrs after a divorce just so her Japanese parents aren't shocked....in NY? I bet you haven't....just saying....PT Barnum said there was 1 born every minute.

Edited October 12, 2016 by standtall

[PegNosePete]

Living together for 4 yrs after a divorce just so her Japanese parents aren't shocked....

My sentiments exactly.

 

Something just doesn't add up here. His reasoning and justifications for his actions simply don't make any sense. I don't think you're getting the full story here, OP.

 

If I were you I'd tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who lives with his ex wife and lies to her family about their marital status. That is no way to have a proper relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do wonder if anyone else here has ever had to face the stigma of divorce? I know the stigma isn't as bad in some countries versus others, but I'd appreciate any thoughts.

 

Other than on an intellectual basis, why do you care ???

 

You seem to be engaging in a series of mental gymnastics to avoid dealing with the central issue - as things stand now, you're the third wheel.

 

I wouldn't accept that but you may be willing to, completely up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

She is Japanese. Divorce is more common now in Japan, but her family and other Japanese families I know/have asked still view it as very shameful and attach a huge stigma to it. When they first had marital problems, before they had their younger child, her family kept urging them to fix the marriage and wouldn't even hear about a possible separation. They refuse that their daughter be the one kid who had the "failed" marriage and "illegitimate" children (her family's words, not mine). Her family is also really concerned with their reputation and what extended family, friends and outsiders will think.

 

That is interesting.

My worry for you is that you have got yourself into the middle of a "situation" and that I guess it is not in your best interests to get in too deep.

There is an old adage around LS that states - never get involved with separated or newly divorced men - and I think it is a true one.

Here you are providing a soft landing for a man who is "stuck" in his marriage.

Only he isn't really "stuck", he and his wife have chosen to live this way after their "divorce" and no wonder she ain't happy, if you are going to take away her children's support system.

 

Who initiated the divorce?

Her idea or his? Why did they really split up?

How did they meet? In the US or in Japan?

 

Do you actually need this drama in your life? This will be ongoing for years with the unhappy grandparents, the unhappy ex and the no doubt mixed up kids who will have had the rug pulled out from under their feet, and a man who may then feel "obliged" to have an ongoing relationship with you as you "saved" him. BUT is he really "over" his marriage and his wife, or have they got "stuck" together because they actually like it that way?

 

He has "unfinished business" here with his ex and it is never a good idea IMO for anyone to get into the middle of such a situation, no matter how many protestations there may be that it is all "done and dusted".