What does this mean?

[DarlingGirl]

I found this on my husband's phone. Just as background, he plays a sport and these are his latest texts to his mixed (female) partner. If they've ever texted before this, they're erased.

 

I've known her for years, and he met her only a couple years ago, but this summer, they seem to have gotten very chummy. I've seen them at social functions, and I can tell, they click. I know he likes her and while it's not great, I can live with it, because honestly, I think they both have a lot of integrity, and even if tempted, they wouldn't cheat. His behavior with me has not changed, and he tells me when he does things with her other than an official event, although it's after he does it. We live in a pretty tight community where people talk. I haven't heard anything from the grapevine.

 

Even though it doesn't seem like much, I read the texts below like they wish they could but they know they can't, so they're discreetly saying goodbye for now. I just get a feeling when I read it, like there's an unspoken conversation in those words.

 

What I want to know is do I have anything to worry about from him or her? Am I being naive? Am I making it all up? I can't tell.

 

Oh, and she's available.

 

Him:

(sends her results of his latest mens event)

 

end of season now - just wanted to tell you I had so much fun with you this year - probably too much sometimes

 

Stay sweet my darling. If I don't see you around, I'll see you in the spring

 

Her:

congrats, wish I could have seen it. Back at you partner, xo

[bummer]

Sounds very chummy.

 

How long have you been married? Intimacy and communication is good otherwise?

 

We can speculate eternally, but you have to ask him bluntly if you haven't already. That's how you answer your question.

[JewelD]

Well if you're okay with him having a crush on a woman and spending time/texting her, I don't see why this would bother you.

 

Too much integrity to cheat. Really? I think you're incredibly naive to be okay with their friendship/romance at all.

[l8estnews]

I had so much fun with you this year - probably too much sometimes?!

 

Stay sweet my darling?!

 

---

 

Whoa, I dunno about you, but this is highly inappropriate.

[Space Ritual]

I will tell you that many of us here thought our spouse or partner would never cheat.

 

That's how lot of these threads start out

 

"I can't believe it would happen to me! He/She was my best friend and soulmate...."

 

Don't fool yourself. Every one of us has the capacity to cheat or betray someone, given the opportunity.

 

Every Single One Of Us.........whether we do or not is an issue of integrity and risk/reward.

 

 

If I were you' I would simply sit back and observe. You don't have enough evidence as of yet. Something like those texts can be easily explained away if you jump too soon.

 

If something is going on eventually one of them will slip up.

 

Again, as hard as it may be, you need to sit back and observe. One way you could find something out is to check the cell phone bill online and find out if there are a ton of texts between his number and hers. It is not uncommon to have literally THOUSANDS going back and forth in a month's time.

 

You need play your cards close to the vest. Otherwise you may be gaslighted into thinking you are crazy and you may find out far too late.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think they both have a lot of integrity, and even if tempted, they wouldn't cheat.

 

^ This is what every betrayed spouse says

 

What I want to know is do I have anything to worry about from him or her? Am I being naive? Am I making it all up? I can't tell.

 

Oh, and she's available.

 

Yes, you are being very naive. Keep your radar on and don't dismiss any 'gut feelings'.

 

Read "Not Just Friends". That book will explain in detail why you should be worried.

[LD1990]

Well, here's the good news:

 

He says he'll see her in the spring if he doesn't see her around, so it doesn't sound like there's an affair going on.

 

The bad news:

 

They are definitely into each other. Stay sweet my darling? Her ending her message with "xo?" Yeah, that's completely inappropriate and regardless of your thoughts on their supposed integrity, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Things like these tend to build.

 

I agree with Space Ritual. I think you should do a little digging here. Check the phone bill and any other way he could've communicated with her. Save anything incriminating you find, including those texts (take a picture of them and save the picture to a Google Drive).

[Try]

What I want to know is do I have anything to worry about from him or her? Am I being naive? Am I making it all up? I can't tell.

 

Oh, and she's available.

Yes, you have much to worry about. Him texting her that he "just wanted to tell you I had so much fun with you this year - probably too much sometimes

 

Stay sweet my darling. If I don't see you around, I'll see you in the spring" was him fishing. He was telling her that he liked her "too much" for a married guy, told her that he was sweet on her, called her his "darling", was giving her the opportunity to return his inappropriate comments with inappropriate comments of her own, and was hoping that she would tell him that she would like to see him around prior to the next season in the Spring for reasons that had nothing to do with their sport. Fortunately this time she did not take that bait, and responded in a mostly non-committal "Congrats, wish I could have seen it. Back at you partner, xo", but she knows of his interest and left the door open with the "XO".

 

You must take a firm stand right now and tell him to put an end to them playing together and spending time alone together. Do not be shy as to why. If she tries to talk to you about it, tell her that you hope that she will respect your feelings on this.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Try

[Try]

If I were you' I would simply sit back and observe. You don't have enough evidence as of yet. Something like those texts can be easily explained away if you jump too soon.

 

If something is going on eventually one of them will slip up.

She may not have enough evidence to prove an affair, but she has enough evidence to tell him to end all one on one contact with her. I actually do not think that they are in and affair yet, but they may be heading that way. The problem with taking a "sit back and observe" approach as she waits for one of them to "eventually" slip up is that by then she would have allowed an affair to happen that did not have to happen had she acted now.

 

@OP: If your goal is to get enough undeniable proof so that he is the acknowledged bad guy in a divorce, sit back and wait for evidence of an affair. If your goal is to prevent an affair so as to prevent a divorce, take action now. Remember that in times such as this you must be willing to end a marriage in order to save it. So stand firm now while he is still willing to pick you over her, if forced by you to make a choice. Once in an affair, he may not pick you.

[BluesPower]

The fact is that these texts are inappropriate, period.

 

You don't have enough evidence to confront him yet. You need to follow some of the advice you are getting, particularly about checking the phone bill.

 

People cheat, it is just a fact, and they are just really close to the line if they have not crossed it.

 

You need to be careful about it but you defiantly need to start digging. I really feel you are/have been way to lax about this situation.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[LD1990]

She may not have enough evidence to prove an affair, but she has enough evidence to tell him to end all one on one contact with her. I actually do not think that they are in and affair yet, but they may be heading that way. The problem with taking a "sit back and observe" approach as she waits for one of them to "eventually" slip up is that by then she would have allowed an affair to happen that did not have to happen had she acted now.

 

@OP: If your goal is to get enough undeniable proof so that he is the acknowledged bad guy in a divorce, sit back and wait for evidence of an affair. If your goal is to prevent an affair so as to prevent a divorce, take action now. Remember that in times such as this you must be willing to end a marriage in order to save it. So stand firm now while he is still willing to pick you over her, if forced by you to make a choice. Once in an affair, he may not pick you.

 

The problem with the direct approach is that no one should have to tell their partner not to have an affair. Sure, maybe her husband will stop when confronted - this time. But he'll be stopping because he got caught, not because it's wrong. What happens next time he makes a new female friend? He'll do the same thing, except he'll cover his tracks better.

[ChickiePops]

If she is his mixed doubles partner and has been for a while then there's no way those are the only texts between them..

[Try]

The problem with the direct approach is that no one should have to tell their partner not to have an affair. Sure, maybe her husband will stop when confronted - this time. But he'll be stopping because he got caught, not because it's wrong. What happens next time he makes a new female friend? He'll do the same thing, except he'll cover his tracks better.

To quote Space Ritual from a previous post on this thread "Don't fool yourself. Every one of us has the capacity to cheat or betray someone, given the opportunity." Confronting now and establishing stronger marital boundaries, will reduce the odds of such opportunities from occurring in the future. Her husband spending so much time with and having a one on one relationship with a single women wearing tennis outfits would be out of bounds for many couples. Edited October 12, 2016 by Try

[smackie9]

Everyone says to shut up and just observe or bad things will happen. I fail to see how this would be beneficial. OP you want to keep your marriage in tact it would be wise of you to get involved NOW. Communication is key, and you need to step up and tell him this is no doubt inappropriate, and troubling to you. Don't let him think he can get away with it...hold strong and firm, talk this out. Don't just have one discussion, you need to have many, and possibly couples counseling. You have to hit it home his behavior has not gone unnoticed. Sitting around, getting all stressed and waiting for him to cheat is ridiculous....sometimes people emotionally loose themselves and don't realize they are stepping out of bounds.....taking action will snap them out of it, knowing they are hurting the one they love and jeopardizing a marriage. It will scare the crap out of him, because you put forward what is at stake.

 

I don't care if you didn't hear anything through the grapevine...if you notice it, I bet money on it others have too, and there has been gossip about it.

[stillafool]

Quote:

Him:

(sends her results of his latest mens event)

 

end of season now - just wanted to tell you I had so much fun with you this year - probably too much sometimes

 

Stay sweet my darling. If I don't see you around, I'll see you in the spring

 

Her:

congrats, wish I could have seen it. Back at you partner, xo

 

He sounds a bit smitten. Is that xo mean Hugs and Kisses? If so, she's a bit smitten also.

[Try]

Everyone says to shut up and just observe or bad things will happen. I fail to see how this would be beneficial. OP you want to keep your marriage in tact it would be wise of you to get involved NOW. Communication is key, and you need to step up and tell him this is no doubt inappropriate, and troubling to you. Don't let him think he can get away with it...hold strong and firm, talk this out. Don't just have one discussion, you need to have many, and possibly couples counseling. You have to hit it home his behavior has not gone unnoticed. Sitting around, getting all stressed and waiting for him to cheat is ridiculous....sometimes people emotionally loose themselves and don't realize they are stepping out of bounds.....taking action will snap them out of it, knowing they are hurting the one they love and jeopardizing a marriage. It will scare the crap out of him, because you put forward what is at stake.

 

I don't care if you didn't hear anything through the grapevine...if you notice it, I bet money on it others have too, and there has been gossip about it.

@OP: The advice above by smackie9 is spot on. Read it a few time so as to let it sink in, and then act.

[DarlingGirl]

Ok, I wanted to circle back and close this out. I read all of your advice and opinions, and even if I didn't think it was for me, thank you for chiming in. All of it served as food for thought. The advice I liked best was to talk to him directly. I asked a few questions, but mostly listened. I've been taking some time to think about it, and to figure out how to explain it to you all without writing a book. Not sure I was successful. Writing to you has helped me clarify my thinking too. It helps to share.

 

First off, he freely confessed his attraction to her. He also said that she was similarly attracted to him.

 

According to him, they handled this a few weeks ago. He said it had been building all summer, and they had been flirting and dancing around this unspoken but obvious attraction. It came to a head one day when they were together, and when he dropped her off at home. He said it felt like it was the end of a date, and that he should walk her to her door, kiss her goodnight, and ask when he could see her again. He said he was sorely tempted to do it, but he couldn't pull the trigger. The next time he saw her, she was very distant. He said he it felt like he'd waited too long, and that she realized she was wasting her time. He didn't like the awkwardness between them, so he asked if he could talk to her, and they did.

 

He confessed his attraction to her, and explained that he couldn't bring himself to blow up our marriage to take the next step with her. She confessed her attraction to him, and said that after thinking about it, she realized that she didn't want to be the OW or a homewrecker. She said that even if he separated from me, it wouldn't be good enough. He'd have to be completely divorced first, because she didn't want to be the cause of a broken marriage. He said it wasn't sad exactly, that they caught it early enough that nobody really got hurt. It was more of an acknowledgment of the reality of the situation, more like a "too bad, this could have been fun" vibe. He said it was good to get it all out in the open. It cleared the air between them, and they understand each others' boundaries. The tension that existed is gone now, and while the chemistry still exists, the relationship has taken a turn towards much more normal, while still close. He said he values his relationship with her, and he wants to keep it, but he also recognized it needed to change. He thinks that the winter break will help with normalcy, but he feels they've also shared something that most people don't, and that this is part of who they are to each other. He thinks that's why they'll always be at least a little closer than he is with the other women we know.

 

He said that after that conversation, he searched the internet for some help about how to put this attraction behind him. The internet said that he was looking for something he wasn't getting at home. He said at first, it didn't sound right, he was happy and that's one of the reasons he didn't stray. But he started to compare her behavior with mine, and he thinks he understands it better now. I won't go into detail about it, but for each of the following, he had plenty of examples:

 

1) She actively listens and engages in conversation and I haven't lately. I don't listen well when he tries to talk to me, and our conversations are short, and mostly family business. Their conversations were wide-ranging, and led to discussions about the other things they do.

2) She took a genuine interest in the various things he does, including asking him to explain, asking to see, showing up to watch, offering to help or participate. Most of it barely registers with me.

3) In response, he did the same thing for her, and he got an opportunity to see her shine, to see her at her best. He hasn't seen much of that with me lately, because I've dropped my outside activities.

 

I'll admit the way he described me is mostly all true. I think that is one of the things that can happen when you're together for a long time. It's called taking someone for granted.

 

The text was an example of that. She was planning to go watch, but the event got moved. It was a championship match. She took an active interest and I didn't. She was excited for him. I didn't show much interest. At some point, I said that maybe I should go watch, but I never followed up. It was a big deal to him, and to her, but not really to me. It turned out she couldn't go, so about a half hour before it began, she sent him a good luck text. She asked him to let her know how it went. So he did. He won. I had changed the words in her text up above to shorten it. When he explained it, I saw that it wasn't just congrats. It was more like WOW, FANTASTIC, WAY TO GO! It was very supportive, but the significance of that escaped me. She celebrated his victory. I was asleep when he returned, and it took me 3 days to remember to ask about it.

 

His text to her was a combination of things. His results were the excuse to text her. He also wanted to set an expectation that communication and seeing her was going to stop for a while, rather than just disappear. But he also wanted to acknowledge what they talked about, about what might have been had circumstances been different. Kind of a way to say goodbye to someone when you know you can't be together. It was all in shorthand, but he's sure she understood it. He said that he interpreted her reply as sort of a "me too", and a signal that nothing had changed since their last conversation on the subject. I asked, and he denied that he was fishing, although he could see that interpretation. But he said they'd already talked, so there was no need for him to be coy. He already knew what he would have to do if he wanted something with her.

 

I asked and he said that there were lots of texts between them, mostly about times, dates, arrangements, etc. He said there was some flirting in them, but no sexting, no pictures.

 

I got a little defensive about the stuff he said about me, and began to explain myself and he stopped me cold. He said that he wasn't attacking me. He said I had three choices in front of me. I could deny it, I could excuse it, or we could work on it. He said he doesn't really want me to fake an interest in him or what he does, what he wants is to see if I really am interested or if I'm just threatened by someone else, and only interested in that. He asked me to just think about it before I responded, not to react thoughtlessly. He said he's not going anywhere, and that he realizes that right now, he's only seeing the best of her, none of the warts, and that all this attention is nice, but it's not nice enough to get him to change his life. He said if she had been a guy, he'd have a new best friend, but he wouldn't feel gay for him, so he had to pay attention to that too. He said if he was single, it would be enough to start something, but he's not, and so it isn't enough to risk us.

 

He said that even though he is happy, in general, that this opened his eyes to a pattern we've fallen into that will cause problems down the road. He said he's glad it all happened. He said while I'm thinking about it, if I've got complaints other than her, about how he treats me, then we should talk about that too. He said he believes in us and that we'll be fine. He said he loves me but he doesn't love her. He just likes her a lot, and it took him a while to figure everything out. He's been trying to figure out how and when to bring it up and how to have a calm conversation about it.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what he told me. Were his steps clumsy and out of line? Yeah, I think they got caught up in it, and he let her in a little too much. But I gave him a lot of rope, and he didn't hang himself, so I have to give him credit too. I believe his story. It has the ring of truth.

 

She's not the wicked witch either. He's an attractive, gregarious and interesting man. I can understand her attraction. I share it. I also have to admit that their personalities seem to mesh well. I could see them together. I'm glad to hear she backed off, and that she didn't make a move on him.

 

I think I just got a wake up call, and I've decided to work on it.

 

And yes, all of our credit card bills and phone bills are freely available to me. My eyes are open.

 

This will be my last post about it, and I won't be responding. My attention is needed elsewhere. Thank you all. Wish us luck.