Calmandfocused Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hi all Just wanted an objective opinion of this: My 2 children have birthdays 5 days apart so in the past we have done an activity two weekends running to celebrate. Stbxh has decided that he wants to go on holiday which will mean that he won't be around for my youngest child's birthday ( he will be 4 at the time). Of course that decision is up to him and none of my buisness. However, he has asked that I postpone my childrens celebrations for a week until he returns so he can attend both events. I've said to my stbxh that it's up to him what he does but I won't change the plans as it will really disappoint my children who get very excited about their birthdays. Am I being unreasonable? I don't care what my stbxh does but I still want my kids priorities to come first. What would you do? Give in or stand your ground? Thanks in advance 1 Link to post Share on other sites
E60 Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hi all Just wanted an objective opinion of this: My 2 children have birthdays 5 days apart so in the past we have done an activity two weekends running to celebrate. Stbxh has decided that he wants to go on holiday which will mean that he won't be around for my youngest child's birthday ( he will be 4 at the time). Of course that decision is up to him and none of my buisness. However, he has asked that I postpone my childrens celebrations for a week until he returns so he can attend both events. I've said to my stbxh that it's up to him what he does but I won't change the plans as it will really disappoint my children who get very excited about their birthdays. Am I being unreasonable? I don't care what my stbxh does but I still want my kids priorities to come first. What would you do? Give in or stand your ground? Thanks in advance Your reasoning is absolutely correct Calmandfocused. He can always throw up another party for them when he is back no? Win-win. Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 From my experience - it's much better to do celebrations separate from my exH! That way he got the clear idea I was no longer attached to him. I want a party? I throw a party! He wants a party = that is all and ONLY on him! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Totally reasonable unless you think that having his father be there for his official birthday party is more of a plus than having it postponed is a negative. You need to be really honest with yourself and maybe even ask your son for his opinion. As others have said - with newly divorced coparents, they often try to do joint birthdays and joint holidays. It has been my experience that that is usually confusing to the kids and in the end a scheduling nightmare. Your children will have two homes. Two beds. Two of everything. Might as well start getting them used to having two parties. By the way, very few children turn down the opportunity to have a second birthday party... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) When you're trying to figure out if you're reasonable or not, try to think of 3 things. 1. If you have had plans that you can't cancel (a convention, a long distance funeral....) on this date, would you be OK to miss their BD, and your children to having a party without you, only with their dad? 2. Would you set the party on the same date, if other important people couldn't come, for example, your children's best friends, your family (your children's grand parents, their uncle\ant ect...) 3. Would you insist on regarding that date, (while their father couldn't attend) if you would still be happily married? Only if the answer is YES to all 3, then you're reasonable... Edited October 12, 2016 by lolablue17 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Calm...IMHO, you're are not being unreasonable. They're your plans, not his. With that said, ask yourself....what you're trying to accomplish here....is it really that much of an inconvenience, or are you just not agreeing because you can? Some battles are not worth fighting if there is no purpose or gain to be had....you may need him to be flexible sometime in the next 14 yrs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Why don't you want to change the date? Is there a good reason (like you've paid the deposit on a bouncy castle or you've already sent invitations to all their friends, or whatever), or is it just the principle? How far away is the date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Thank you for all your replies, I'll try and answer all your questions. Yes, the party dates and plans are provisional and could be easily changed if needs be. Also, ive thought about it and I could visit my parents who live in a different city on my sons actual birthday to make it special still for him. So yes, I could in essence accommodate what my stbxh has requested but to be brutally honest, I don't want to, nor do I think I should. For those who don't know my story- my marriage breakdown has been largely due to experiencing repetitive selfish and inconsiderate behaviour that I just couldn't take anymore ( and yes he would and still does put his own needs above the kids). So therefore a part of me resents feeding into his "the world revolves around me mentality" when we're now separated and going through a divorce. I know it's petty but I don't see why everything should continue to be controlled by what he wants. However, I understand that this is my issue and my resentment so I own that. All of you are right. I should do what's best for my children and ultimately I think they would want their father there. On a separate note, I'm actually quite concerned about my stbxh's mental health at the moment. I'm getting the "ive lost everything" to "ive nothing to live for" etc. strange then that he would, by choice, want to go on holiday on his child's birthday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 If he was unable to attend because of a wedding or travel for work or similar type of thing where the dates could not be changed, then I'd be likely to accommodate him. But if he chose the dates himself, knowing that they clash with his child's birthday, then stuff him. Especially considering that he was selfish in the marriage too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 My counselor told me "if you want to show with actions that you are no longer married to him - then start making sure all gatherings are separate". It sends a clear message and doesn't confuse the kids. I found it more useful to follow strict orders to eliminate him from my life. There were times I've had to remind him that I'm not married to him anymore and that I don't need his permission for anything in my life/plans. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I don't think you are being unreasonable. Making vacation plans on his child's birthday and then expecting the party to be changed to accommodate him really is selfish behavior. I wouldn't change the party date just because he chose to vacation that week. If it weren't a vacation, I'd probably be more willing to bend. However, your 4 year old won't be hurt if the party is held later and you choose to do something special on his actual day. I'm thinking that you need to decide how you want the future to look. Do you want separate parties each year? If yes, then start now. If no, then consider changing the date and accommodate him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Hi Calm, having read your OP and the posts by others I have to say that this may just be a tactic by your husband to prove to himself that he still is the center of your life and that of his kids. If you go ahead and comply with his wishes then he will make it a point to keep doing things like this whenever his children are involved to force to kow tow to his demands however unreasonable they may be. This one is definitely unreasonable. I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you cannot comply with his wishes and that he can plan a separate party for his son to make up for his absence. That will make him plan something for his son which has nothing to do with himself and force him to think of someone else besides himself. Will be therapeutic for him. By the way why ate you worried about his moods now? You are done with him or do you have residual feelings for him? I understand a purely human concern for the welfare of someone and also the fact that he is your children's father and if something happens to him it will affect your kids. However you can route your concerns indirectly through his parents, siblings, a good friend or some such so that his emotional challenges are taken care of. You would not have to get directly involved unless you want to. Whatever you decide I wish you the very best. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Definitely go for the separate parties. You are getting ready to divorce and you don't need or have to accept stress caused by him anymore. The kids will love having more than one party. Don't even sweat it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Thank you for your insightful replies. My thread seems so ridiculous compared to what others are going through on here at the mo sp thank you for taking the time to reply. No I don't have any feelings left for my stbxh. My main emotions are relief and hope. It's what's driving me to keep going and to squash any moments of fear that I have. Saying that I love my children and love the fact that they love their father (even if I don't). I want my stbxh to be involved in our children's birthdays just because they want him to be there. Personally, I would rather never see by stbxh ever again but I care more about my children than I do for me. I should also point out that I feel sorry. Sorry that the dream didn't work out and sorry that stbxh is finding it hard to accept that it's over. Despite everything he still is the father of my children and id prefer for him to be happy. I don't want his misery to continue on after the divorce is finalised and want things to be amicable between us. Perhaps this may be asking a bit too much though. He's never shown me any compassion in the marriage so I don't know why I'd expect it after we divorce. Sorry I'm mindless waffling now, hope it makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Hi Calm, thank you for your response. I should think your sentiments are right both about your children and also about your stbxh. Fact is marriage is a relationship one enters into for the long haul. At the time one commits to one's spouse at the alter/ in front of a magistrate one is not thinking of any insurmountable problems or of divorce. One is thinking of 'Happily ever after'. However in real life one encounters hard to solve problems and sometimes these become deal breakers and our dreams and hopes for a happy married life are dashed. I think those who are able to handle the eventual dissolution of something as important and close to one's heart as one's marriage with grace and courage and compassion for one's soon to be ex partner are the real winners in this sad game of Chinese Chequers. Guess you have the right sentiments so soldier on and the best of luck on your journey. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Hi all Just wanted an objective opinion of this: My 2 children have birthdays 5 days apart so in the past we have done an activity two weekends running to celebrate. Stbxh has decided that he wants to go on holiday which will mean that he won't be around for my youngest child's birthday ( he will be 4 at the time). Of course that decision is up to him and none of my buisness. However, he has asked that I postpone my childrens celebrations for a week until he returns so he can attend both events. I've said to my stbxh that it's up to him what he does but I won't change the plans as it will really disappoint my children who get very excited about their birthdays. Am I being unreasonable? I don't care what my stbxh does but I still want my kids priorities to come first. What would you do? Give in or stand your ground? Thanks in advance Hi calm You are being COMPLETELY reasonable. You are putting your children's happiness first. As you should ALWAYS do. It was sthexh CHOICE to plan and book a holiday on the weekend of his children's birthdays. I guess he could've chosen 50 other weekends in the year lol. Couldn't he? Did he forget their birthday weekends? Yes I'm extremely assertive when it comes to the bs odometer. Ummm you do family celebrations with stbexh? Aren't you sweet! Oh well too bad too sad for exh. Don't ever disappoint your children because of exh choices. CHOICES lol. I forgot the separation and divorce forum was even here! I'll be haunting here more often lol. How bout you suggest that exh do a double up weekend thing of his own for the kids when he returns? THEN THE KIDS WOULD GET 4 WEEKENDS to celebrate their birthdays. AWESOME! Lol. Lion Heart's 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) From my experience - it's much better to do celebrations separate from my exH! That way he got the clear idea I was no longer attached to him. I want a party? I throw a party! He wants a party = that is all and ONLY on him! Here's MY SOUL SISTER lol. STBexVWH from this family, now not, hallelujah, just ASSUMED he could gate crash anything anytime here. No way in high hell! In fact we just had our 1st totally separate sets of birthday parties for my twin sons. Ex dictated to me what I should do for them (he was never a part of organizing anything in the past ) he enjoyed that ego trip TELLING me what to do...it goes on so much even now. Until he tripped right over lol. The event he told me was around $700. I didn't agree. Just said "So what are YOU doing for them?" A movie night with one third of the children invited lol. I was not going to have exh in another venue he could pick up one of our children's friends mothers. Or grandmothers either as he's done lol. No way. When exh saw all the preparations here for a different party the boys actually asked for, he got all excited he'd not have to put on a movie night. So less money! Exh completely ASSUMED he was invited. The boys flat out said no. 3 weeks it took us to do everything in prep without 1 piece of help from exh. Not an offer either. We didn't ask lol. He phoned me around 11x to help him with everything for the movie night. Omg. Realizing his incompetencies on a deeper level I've already organized Christmas and next is a February birthday to be organized by 1st Dec lol. Lion Heart Edited October 26, 2016 by Lion Heart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I think separate parties are appropriate when divorced. After all, eventually you and your ex will move on to new lovers and it will just be too uncomfortable and confusing for the kids. I like the idea of the kids have 4 parties. I doubt any kid would object to that. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Thank you for your insightful replies. My thread seems so ridiculous compared to what others are going through on here at the mo sp thank you for taking the time to reply. No I don't have any feelings left for my stbxh. My main emotions are relief and hope. It's what's driving me to keep going and to squash any moments of fear that I have. Saying that I love my children and love the fact that they love their father (even if I don't). I want my stbxh to be involved in our children's birthdays just because they want him to be there. Personally, I would rather never see by stbxh ever again but I care more about my children than I do for me. I should also point out that I feel sorry. Sorry that the dream didn't work out and sorry that stbxh is finding it hard to accept that it's over. Despite everything he still is the father of my children and id prefer for him to be happy. I don't want his misery to continue on after the divorce is finalised and want things to be amicable between us. Perhaps this may be asking a bit too much though. He's never shown me any compassion in the marriage so I don't know why I'd expect it after we divorce. Sorry I'm mindless waffling now, hope it makes sense. Your question isn't ridiculous - in fact it is one that many people on these boards (myself included) can relate to. Quite honestly, since my ex and I split two years ago, we've had separate celebrations for everything, including our child's birthdays, and that is exactly how I want it. I have no interest in ever seeing my ex again except - possibly - at our daughter's wedding. Obviously we can't have two of those. But other than that, she does her thing, I do mine, and the less I see or hear from her, the better. I see nothing wrong with you and your ex having separate celebrations. It will not only alleviate the problem you have with his going out of town, but it also I'm sure will make your children happy to have not one but two birthday parties. Twice the fun for them, less stress for you. A Win-Win in my book. KTB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 Lion heart, your posts really made me laugh. You have a knack of finding humour in depressing topics, I like that. Just a guy, your post was so positive and helpful. I've read it a few times and it's really motivating. Something nice happened to me today- I got chatted up. Don't get me wrong, another man is definately not on my agenda and I doubt it will be for a long time. However, it added to my hope, that maybe, just maybe, I may be happy again, with a man who knows how to love and treat me properly. Other people seem to find happiness so I hope that one day it will happen for me too. I despair when I read some posts in this section as well as the dating section and note that some people just chuck their decent men away for something "exciting" but inevitably unfulfilling. I can't see why a woman would want that, ironically, they crave someone like my husband yet all I wanted was a decent, caring and loving man. Surely it wasn't expecting too much. Or maybe it was? I just don't know Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 K batletta, thank you. I take inspiration from you as your story was tragic yet it appears to have a happy ending. You've made it through, you've survived and your moving on. I endeavour to be where you are and know I will be there soon. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I despair when I read some posts in this section as well as the dating section and note that some people just chuck their decent men away for something "exciting" but inevitably unfulfilling. I can't see why a woman would want that, ironically, they crave someone like my husband yet all I wanted was a decent, caring and loving man. Surely it wasn't expecting too much. Or maybe it was? I just don't know You will get one. Just give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
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