Reconciliation in-progress: She slept with others during breakup...and I didn't

[bodevan]

I hope he does give more info...

 

But I can help you with some of it myself.

 

If you have not figured it out, you suffer from a little bit of the white night syndrome. Some call it being a rescuer, some call it plain codependency.

 

I used to suffer from it myself. You want to rescue women that are damaged, because "YOU" can save them. With enough love from you they will get well, and they will love you for your love and dedication to them. Yeah, it just does not work that way.

 

"White Nights" feel the to need to help women like this because they are a "Damsel in Distress". It just never works.

 

Been there done that. The thing is that you cannot fix any of these women until they become self aware enough to want to fix themselves.

 

This is why everyone is trying to tell you to run.

 

Google white night and read up on it...

 

I have heard the term white knight before. Although I do offer help to those I care about I don't think that accurately describes me at all. I don't believe she needs saving. If I thought that I would stay far away. It's quite the opposite actually. We both want to support one another in our independent lives. She doesn't expect me to solve problems for her and I don't want to. I want to focus on my own life and aspirations.

 

Would you say you have a negative outlook on relationships because of things that have happened for you in the past?

[Mrin]

Since you have been one of the few that have not been vehemently opposing me working things out with her...can I ask why? Why do you think it is something I should attempt?

 

But thank you so much for this! If I have any questions moving forward, I will be sure to ask. Thanks again!

 

Sorry just saw this.

 

I am not opposing you working things out with her because that wasn't the question you asked. You asked how do I get over/past it so I can work things out with her.

 

People do a TON of projecting here at LS so you have to take everyone's advice (even my own) with a grain of salt. The other thing you realize is that LS is here for a reason and populated with a lot of people who have, for lack of a better term, gotten the short end of the stick in relationships. So it is just natural for folks to come from a certain perspective. They speak from experience.

 

All that being said, the decision to work or not to work this out with her is exclusively yours. If you feel strongly about her, then you should try. The worst feeling in the world is regret. What would feel worse three years from now? Looking back and saying, "I really liked her, I wish I had given us a second chance?" or "We tried again and it didn't work out?".

 

Best of luck OP!

[BluesPower]

bodevan, not in general...

 

I don't have a problem with relationships, I have had a lot of them.

 

But I am also old enough to know that in the long run, this girl is going to break your heart.

 

But, who knows, it could work out...

[Logo]

All that being said, the decision to work or not to work this out with her is exclusively yours. If you feel strongly about her, then you should try. The worst feeling in the world is regret. What would feel worse three years from now? Looking back and saying, "I really liked her, I wish I had given us a second chance?" or "We tried again and it didn't work out?".

 

Best of luck OP!

 

OP, you never know until you try. If I didn't try I wouldn't know for sure how things would turn out.

 

Each person's experience is different. We don't know ALL the details and we don't know HER the way the you do.

 

What is certain is that she seems to be shifting the blame on you instead of owning up to her behavior. Can you live with that?

 

It could very well work out between you too. Who knows. Just be careful.

 

My ex was very convincing. I had a certain image of her in my head. The real her came out at the very end.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Logo

[bodevan]

Sorry just saw this.

 

I am not opposing you working things out with her because that wasn't the question you asked. You asked how do I get over/past it so I can work things out with her.

 

People do a TON of projecting here at LS so you have to take everyone's advice (even my own) with a grain of salt. The other thing you realize is that LS is here for a reason and populated with a lot of people who have, for lack of a better term, gotten the short end of the stick in relationships. So it is just natural for folks to come from a certain perspective. They speak from experience.

 

All that being said, the decision to work or not to work this out with her is exclusively yours. If you feel strongly about her, then you should try. The worst feeling in the world is regret. What would feel worse three years from now? Looking back and saying, "I really liked her, I wish I had given us a second chance?" or "We tried again and it didn't work out?".

 

Best of luck OP!

 

I definitely feel the projecting and it is at times difficult to separate good cautious warnings from words of people that have been deeply hurt and maybe don't see things in the most objective way I guess.

 

I agree about the worst feeling being regret, that is how I feel about my attitude leading to the breakup, I took a lot for granted and was not giving much in return. There is still a lot of pain on both sides and it seems like we are both afraid of things going sour again. But, with that being said, I am trying to take things day by day and not make any emotional decisions.

 

Your words have been so helpful! Thank you again!

[bodevan]

bodevan, not in general...

 

I don't have a problem with relationships, I have had a lot of them.

 

But I am also old enough to know that in the long run, this girl is going to break your heart.

 

But, who knows, it could work out...

 

It wasn't really a question of if you had a problem with relationships or having them, I took a look at your post history and saw that you had a very difficult experience. It sounds like you came to a very emotional realization with your wife. I can not begin to imagine what it must be like to know someone for that long and stick with them throughout everything that you mentioned in your post.

 

Is that what makes you think that in the long run, things will only to continue to be problematic for me with her?

 

...and "who knows, it could work out" is the attitude I am trying to keep

[bodevan]

OP, you never know until you try. If I didn't try I wouldn't know for sure how things would turn out.

 

Each person's experience is different. We don't know ALL the details and we don't know HER the way the you do.

 

What is certain is that she seems to be shifting the blame on you instead of owning up to her behavior. Can you live with that?

 

It could very well work out between you too. Who knows. Just be careful.

 

My ex was very convincing. I had a certain image of her in my head. The real her came out at the very end.

 

Very true!

 

I wouldn't say she is shifting the blame so much as she is still hurt in certain ways too. I don't want to be blind to it either, so what have I said that makes it seem that she is shifting blame?

 

I am sorry to hear about what happened for you and your ex, but it sounds like you have learned a lot and grown from it!

[Jersey born raised]

Please clarify her answer "only if we are exclusive"? Did she explicitly agree to stay exclusive? Did she ever answer?

 

If she never answered, that is another way of saying no - I will date and so can you. That shoots down her comnent about her thinking you where dating.

 

You have hinted at owning some of your issues. Can you be more explicit, especially how you will change innate future.

[bodevan]

Please clarify her answer "only if we are exclusive"? Did she explicitly agree to stay exclusive? Did she ever answer?

 

If she never answered, that is another way of saying no - I will date and so can you. That shoots down her comnent about her thinking you where dating.

 

You have hinted at owning some of your issues. Can you be more explicit, especially how you will change innate future.

 

She did not agree. She said it felt like too much pressure. I still want to ask her more about it.

 

What do you mean about shoots down her comment?

 

As far as my issues... I am going to work on not criticizing, not being dismissive, not pushing her away and acting cold. I am working on communicating my feelings with her, instead of bottling them up and acting like a jerk to her because of it. That is probably the hardest part for me. I am not used to talking about the way I feel emotionally. I have had some family trouble in the past and always felt like I didn't really have anyone to go to with my own problems, I always felt like I had to be strong for everyone else.

[bodevan]

I am having such a difficult time coming to a decision with all of this...any other thoughts?

 

She has apologized so many times and said she regrets all of the breakup and what happened after...

 

I have never had such a tough time making a decision

[BluesPower]

Most have told you what they think.

 

I think she is a cheater. She won't tell you what she has REALLY DONE and with who. She has shown you no respect.

 

You can take her back if you want to, that is your decision.

 

It is just one that people who are older and more experienced would not make.

[bodevan]

Most have told you what they think.

 

I think she is a cheater. She won't tell you what she has REALLY DONE and with who. She has shown you no respect.

 

You can take her back if you want to, that is your decision.

 

It is just one that people who are older and more experienced would not make.

 

What do you mean really done? I flat out asked her with who and what and she told me....It was difficult to hear but she told me.

 

What makes you believe she is a cheater?

[Been]

I sorta see that.

 

I agree, I am very cautious about considering a long term future with her despite the magic I still feel with her.

 

Any advice on how to handle myself? I feel like a lot has been said about her, whereas I am really looking for opinions on how to figure out if this something I can let go of and give her a second chance

 

Mine was just like that. She came off as sincere and a damsel in distress. She conveniently developed amnesia when it suited her and remembered minute details when it suited her. She cried, too.

 

Please don't fall for it.

Listen young man. Been there done that and in the end I was for the worse. This one is easy. No sooner then you broke up and she's off to the races. Not one but THREE guys that you KNOW of. Then she freaks out on you thinking you've replaced her even though she dumped you!!

She texts you nasty comments. Next day she's sorry. Wants you back then all the sudden wangs to wait.

Go back. And you'll be posting on here again - that's almost a sure thing.

She manipulates you. And it's easy for her to do.

The relationship for now is done. You just can't let go.whats going to happen is when she's used you up she's going to be done with you.

[bodevan]

Listen young man. Been there done that and in the end I was for the worse. This one is easy. No sooner then you broke up and she's off to the races. Not one but THREE guys that you KNOW of. Then she freaks out on you thinking you've replaced her even though she dumped you!!

She texts you nasty comments. Next day she's sorry. Wants you back then all the sudden wangs to wait.

Go back. And you'll be posting on here again - that's almost a sure thing.

She manipulates you. And it's easy for her to do.

The relationship for now is done. You just can't let go.whats going to happen is when she's used you up she's going to be done with you.

 

I am so confused.... I know that I pushed her away. That I stopped putting in effort. That is why I am trying to give her another chance. I don't want to ask what if?

[Been]

Ok. Let's for arguments sake you "pushed" her away. Did she sit down and talk to you about that?No she didn't. She rolled out.

Most manipulators always turn it around on you. Somehow it's your fault.

What about the 3 guys she slept with?Was that your fault?And how fast did she resort to sleeping around?A week 2 weeks ?

She wants her cake and eat it too. She runs around. She has a little fun. Now she done for now and she needs someone reliable. Someone that will tolerate it. Guess who that is?

You'll get back together. Everything will be AWSOME for a couple of months. Then she'll revert back to needing "space". And you'll get confused trying to think what you did to cause it but won't realize to latter that you didn't do anything. It's just who she is right now.

[bodevan]

Ok. Let's for arguments sake you "pushed" her away. Did she sit down and talk to you about that?No she didn't. She rolled out.

Most manipulators always turn it around on you. Somehow it's your fault.

What about the 3 guys she slept with?Was that your fault?And how fast did she resort to sleeping around?A week 2 weeks ?

She wants her cake and eat it too. She runs around. She has a little fun. Now she done for now and she needs someone reliable. Someone that will tolerate it. Guess who that is?

You'll get back together. Everything will be AWSOME for a couple of months. Then she'll revert back to needing "space". And you'll get confused trying to think what you did to cause it but won't realize to latter that you didn't do anything. It's just who she is right now.

 

That's the thing.... She did sit me down, she bought books on relationships, and tried to express how she felt... I just did not see it as a big deal. I thought she was mine and that was all there was to it. I stopped doing things that I did earlier on in the relationship.

 

I understand that there are a lot of people on these boards that have been hurt/are hurting. I am definitely hurt, but I also see where I may have done wrong to hurt someone I love.

 

I would not be here, nor speaking with her if I did not feel like I pushed someone dear to me to the point where they believed I did not care about them at all.

[Been]

What the other poster is trying to say is you never get the full truth. You might get half of it but your never going to get it all.

Why did she sleep with 3 people? Was it a one time thing or did she have relationships with any of them?And were any of them started while you 2 together?

[dreamingoftigers]

The fact that she had sex with 3 different guys just because she felt unwanted and replaced is telling of her personality. Not that she cared or was falling for them; she gave them her body just because she felt unwanted. Hmmm, what will happen if you ever make her feel unwanted again? Not relationship material, but a very needy woman.

 

This is honestly what I am like too.

 

BUT I have never risked or violated my marriage because of that.

 

Feeling unwanted has had a massive effect on my life and when relationships break down, I will rebound sexually rather quickly. I don't think it says anything about the kind of partner I am. Even when I have been outright TOLD and SHOWN that I am unwanted in a relationship, I don't step outside of it. When it ends, it's a run though.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the thing.... She did sit me down, she bought books on relationships, and tried to express how she felt... I just did not see it as a big deal. I thought she was mine and that was all there was to it. I stopped doing things that I did earlier on in the relationship.

 

I understand that there are a lot of people on these boards that have been hurt/are hurting. I am definitely hurt, but I also see where I may have done wrong to hurt someone I love.

 

I would not be here, nor speaking with her if I did not feel like I pushed someone dear to me to the point where they believed I did not care about them at all.

 

Honestly, going against the grain here....

 

It sounds as though she was dedicated to the relationship and wanted to work it out.

 

Then when it was looking to be over she did "whatever" to feel better.

 

I don't think you can hold someone accou table sexually when you aren't with them. That's just IMHO.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps it has to do with healthy choices vs unhealthy one.

 

If a person is prone to unhealthy choices while in despair the pattern will repeat itself, each time with greater destruction.

 

So the question is has she learned and gain strength from her actions and choices or not?

 

The same question applies to you. You where in despair, you chose to shut her out. With her or someone else in the future will you repeat the same pattern? Take moment and consider what coping strategies you will use in the future to protect those emotionally invested in you from harming them again. This is the nub of what this man did:

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Be this person with or without your girl friend in your life.