Living with my ex-girlfriend and our friendship is going to implode

[soifnaegvbaoeaiegoaobgaiou]

Hi all, I decided that voicing my concerns might help remove the fiery pit of stress I currently have in my stomach, and get a clear path forward with this whole thing.

 

The issue in question is my ex-girlfriend. We've known each other for about 8 years now, and dated on and off for a few years, way back when. Our relationships did not go well. Infidelity and dishonesty from her, naivety and an inability to resolve conflict in a healthy manner from me. We tried over and over and over, it just never worked. We went months without speaking, but somehow we'd always find a way to reconnect. Our friendship was worth that much to both of us.

 

We haven't been together in about 3-4 years, and it's been good for us. She moved in with her long-time on again ,off again boyfriend when she couldn't stay at her sisters. I've never liked this guy, but he was her first, etc . (Also the guy she cheated on me with, but I digress.)

 

Since then, we've been good. Great, actually. We didn't argue, we had meaningful conversations. But we were really focused on just being good friends. We only saw each other once or twice a month, due to her distance at the boyfriends place.

 

Back in February, she got some wonderful news. Her boyfriend had knocked up another girl. This was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." I mean, he's been a ****ty guy as long as they've been together, but she finally made up her mind to go. Except, she couldn't. She really enjoyed her job, and was in the middle of taking classes for a weed offense, she also didn't have anywhere else to go.

 

She was miserable. I did my best to be there for her when she would reach out. I only found out recently that she tried to commit suicide while she was still living there. Things were devolving as the other girl got closer to her due date, and she stopped going to work. She asked me if she should quit her job. I said it was better than just sitting around until you got fired. Her references there had already moved on due to a toxic work environment anyway, so I didn't see if affecting her down the road.

 

Due to cutting work loose, she was going to end up sitting around her house feeling sorry for herself, and so I let her know she could come stay with me for a while. She gladly accepted, and that's how we ended up the way we are now.

 

In the months leading up to her coming out, we both talked about the idea of getting back together again. We were very close, we figured we had both done some much needed growing up, and in the future when she had gotten over this wonderful piece of humanity, we could look at trying again.

 

Things started off as they tended to do. We hooked up, she was being a sweetheart, making sure to tell me how much she was looking forward to us being together, all of that jazz. Probably a bad idea, but she's pretty and knows which buttons to press.

 

Then her friend Q came back into the picture. Q had been a member of her little friend group from back when she and I were dating. I like Q, he's a cool guy, and he was one of the few guy friends I knew weren't trying to get into her pants. So, when Q and her started hanging out again, I thought "**** yeah! Q! That guy is great." Er, he WAS great, until he started hanging all over my ex when we were all hanging out. She was drunk, but she didn't reciprocate. (She was way more focused on me anyway...silver lining I think?)

 

That really bothered me, one because I got jealous, and two becaue I feel like I'm not supposed to be jealous. We aren't together. She told me later that she knew he had developed feelings for her at some point, but not to worry because she didn't see him in that way at all.

 

That's been the party line for the past two weeks, and I've been trying really hard not to let my jealousy make things worse. We've had some bumps, like the time she invited him over while I was at work and didn't tell me; or when she randomly called me asking to get picked up from his place...when I thought she was in her room upstairs.

 

I've repeatedly asked her to just be honest with me. She's free to do what she wants, but she sits there and tells me she loves me and such, but her actions completely contradict that.

 

Today was the final straw. She hasn't felt great the past few days, combined with getting her monthly yesterday. (Which was a relief...she got it a week late, so there was a possibility we were going to be parents.) So I haven't gotten to hang out with her much. But today, she went and got groceries cause my mom asked her to. This morning I asked her if she'd be around when I woke up (we have opposite schedules), she said she would be, and that she'd find something for us to do tonight.

 

Woke up, she wasn't around. I got a call a few hours later that she passed out on Q's couch. I ended the call quickly, and all I've heard from her otherwise is that she was coming back tonight. I'm livid. I shouldn't even be livid.

 

What the **** do I do? I have these stupid jealousy issues I can't drop. I cannot kick her out. It's my parent's place, she has her own room, and she has literally nowhere else to go right now except back to that other guy. I'm sitting at work feeling sick to my stomach that I let all this happen again and it sucks.

I've tried pushing her away but she guilts me out of it, giving me compliments and telling me how much she loves me. Her being around has made me miserable. It's causing me too much stress.

 

How do I come out of this sane and with our connection intact? Am I in the wrong? What do I do about this big jealousy monster?

 

I hope this is coherent, I'll try to clear up anything that isn't.

[angel.eyes]

Is she paying anyone rent in this current living arrangement? Get your freeloading squatter...sorry, your "friend"...to start paying market-based rent for the roof over her head, and I suspect she and her meaningless sweet nothings will move on to the next sucker...umm, good friend.

[standtall]

Spirit dude....

 

What a ton of baggage she has....she is. The sex must be the best in the world to even put up with 1/50th of that crap. Punt and get another.

[lolablue17]

Nobody will ever respect you if you don't respect yourself. This is a common phrase in LS, and it's so true. This must be the foundation of any decision you make. Because right now you don't respect yourself.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This girl is a fcvking train wreck. I hope you're not still actively trying to form a relationship with her while all of this is going on. She is not relationship material right now. If she had any sense she wouldn't have hooked up with you and endangered that friendship. But what's done is done and it's understandable that now you need space, not to mention, you shouldn't put up with anyone "crashing" at your place for an extended period of time without paying rent. I know you're trying to be a good friend and do the right thing but this party has to end for the sake of your mental health.

 

Sit her down and tell her she needs to find somewhere else to go. Give her a deadline. 2 weeks to 1 month would be extremely generous here. And don't start hooking up with her again after this talk- take some space. Whether or not she goes back to her ex is not your problem. Everyone has a variety of options, her included. She could look for a job and an apartment to share on Craigslist. She could ask a relative for help. She could stay at a shelter while putting her life back together. However, she seems hell-bent on making poor decisions in her life right now- so she will probably move back in with her ex, or another dude she's hooking up with, and continue the drama. Hopefully she will eventually grow out of this. Either way- you don't need to be part of it.

 

As a side note- many people would disagree that it's possible, but I am a firm believer in the possibility of male-female friendships, even after sex. I have numerous close male friends, including one friendship I value highly that has been platonic for years (like 10 years) that began on a seedy note. So, I am always excited when I see posts where others may have found a friendship in the bath water, so to speak. But true friendships require strong boundaries and respect. Both parties need to be on the same page that the relationship is platnoic, and respect it enough to keep it this way. Hooking up with each other, then with other people, is not only confusing but will destroy your friendship.

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I come out of this sane and with our connection intact?

 

I'm trying to understand why you'd want to?

 

Friend or GF, either relationship with her seems toxic. Though much of that seems to come from poorly defined boundaries in whatever dance the two of you are doing.

 

My friend, the problem isn't her. Speak up and address the issues or continue to suffer in silence. Your choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Your "friend" uses you as her safety net. She's a mess and she sees you as the guy she can always count on to be there for her. This dynamic makes her feel fond of you but her feeling aren't much deeper than that. At her core she is self centred and doesn't respect you or your feelings. Once she doesn't need your family to provide for her anymore she will move on to a new love interest while declaring that she still loves you as her best friend in the whole world. Then she will continue to run to you with all of her problems because that is your role in her life.

[Bufo]

What a great setup for her. She doesn't have to scheme and lie to OP

To have a place to live. He has volunteered to be Plan B.

 

What do ou get out of this relationship ?

[fenix]

naivety and an inability to resolve conflict in a healthy manner from me.

 

That is still your problem.

 

She is not your problem, she is not your friend either... you don't see them as your friend and you know that!

 

Let her be adult and solve her own problems... you will end up very broken if you allow that woman in your life (not to mention in your own house!).

 

Have a bit of self respect and personality and tell her that she has two weeks to find a place and that after that she needs to be out and cut all your contact with her... she has never respected you and now she is just using you man...

[NTV]

I heard a saying somewhere that I think might be beneficial for you to apply:

" I'm sorry I can't help you with your problems I've got too many of my own right now. "