Trying to deal with my partner's infidelity and loosing my mind

[maria76]

Hi everyone! I've never posted anything before, but I've no one else to turn to and I'm starting to feel I'm loosing my mind...

 

So... I've been with my partner for the past 23 years. We started when we were 17 and now we're both 40. Before that, he had been my best friend for 3 years... I used to joke that we had upgraded our relationship. I never ever cheated on him. Ever. I had plenty of opportunities, but I always turned my back on them. I did it because I wouldn't want to hurt him, because I've always loved him and I have a deep respect for other people's feelings, regardless of who they are. I've always had an ever deeper respect for him because he's my partner and the man I love. If I love him, how could I hurt him, right?

 

Well, on february 24th my world came crashing down. He had been having an affair for the last 2 and a half years. I found it the worst possible way... A video of the two of them having sex in our spare bedroom. In my own home...

 

I felt angry, ashamed, humilliated... Like I'm no more than a piece of furniture.

 

He called her in my presence and ended it. He told me she meant nothing and the usual "it was just sex", but even if it was "just sex" he allowed her to feel loved and special because he choose to engage with her. She has a blog and posted about how much she will always love him, how special were their moments of sharing and intimacy. She says he's the only one besides her family who knows her and loves her for who she is. How she will always love him and cherish those moments. And she's writting a book about it too...

 

But I digress...

 

He understands what he's done, he's remorseful and ashamed. He's trying very hard to be there for me, but most of the time, he doesn't know how to react.

 

I'm a psychologist and I work with woman from prostitution contexts. I know how affairs work, I know all the theory, why it started, how it developed and continued... I know all about cognitive dissonance and justifications.

 

Thing is... I really feel like I'm loosing my mind... I'm working through it all but I'm exausted... My self esteem is gone and, even though I try and rationalize things, there's an ugly monster inside of me screaming and it feels like it's never going to leave...

 

So my question... Will this go away? Anyone out there with any useful tips to help me navigate through this?...

 

Sorry for the long post and sorry for any atrocities on the english grammar... I'm portuguese and english is not my native language... And thank you for taking the time to read this.

[ChickiePops]

First of all..WOW..this chick is a piece of work. She's writing a book about her affair with someone else's boyfriend?? That is disgraceful.

 

Second..well..yes, eventually you will start feeling better. But whether or not you will be able to stay with your partner is still up in the air.

 

What actions are you both taking to heal? I mean..you're a psychologist so you know that the feelings aren't going to just magically disappear. You've got to work for them, just as he's got to work to earn your trust back.

[flowergirl14]

So your husband has a 2 1/2 year affair and just ends it on the drop of a dime? Thats a lot of lies, deceptions, sex. How do you know he won't or still isnt in contact. Or at a later point when things die down restart the affair?

[aileD]

Your feelings are normal. They will die down but not for awhile. Do you want to stay married? Is your husband committed to the work you will both need to do?

 

Take care of you right now. Exercise and don't forget to eat. Be conscious of hiding away --go out with friends. Stay hydrated . See your IC . Talk to people. Watch for signs of PTSD

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it some of the worst things that can happen to someone .

 

Me and H have also been together 23 years, since 17 (I'm 41 he's 40)....so I know how you feel. It's awful and I'm sorry

[road]

It is normal to feel they way you do. Recovery takes two to five years. So you will not be feeling well for a while. Progress happens slow that you will not notice them from day to day. Just one day you will feel some of the weight has been lifted. This cycle repeats.

 

 

Has your WH changed his cell No.

Blocked the OW

Close all social media that he use to contacted the OW

Has the OW been exposed, her BH, parents, siblings

How did they meet: work, recreational activity, hobby, gym

 

 

Steps have to be taken to make sure their paths never cross

[aj2124]

I am incredibly sorry for the pain you are facing. That is certainly an awful way to discover the affair, not that there is ever a good way. Honestly, the only way I got through the pain was turning it all over to God. All the thoughts of what happened and trying to make sense of it all was too much, too painful for me to bare on my own. Without my faith in Christ, I would not have experienced peace in the midst of so much pain and confusion. I know that it seems like there should be a more rational and practical answer but an earth-shattering experience like this is so much out of our control and ability to reason through it all. Your weakness is not something to fear or try to erase. It's an opportunity to connect with REAL love. Again, I'm so sorry for the very real pain you are feeling but I can tell you there is hope. I will keep you in my prayers.

[l8estnews]

Hi Maria,

 

I feel your pain. Your story, for some reason, really resonates in my soul (dramatic but that's how it really affects me.)

 

But can you really stay with this person? He cheated on you for 2 1/2 YEARS! This is not a one-time thing, he definitely has a separate relationship with HER. No wonder the Other Woman is head over heels with your man. He's basically HER man as well. 2 1/2 years is TOO LONG for a "fling."

 

You discovering it will NOT CHANGE anything overnight. 90% of the time, Affairs this long will reignite once everything settles down.

 

From this point on, this is your decision, but if you want another POV, if this happened to me, I'll dump the guy for good. 2 1/2 years is not an accident, it is not a mistake, but it's a choice. A choice he continued to choose for 2 1/2 years.

[BluesPower]

You can know all the theory in the world and it is not real until it happens to you. You will get better over time.

 

As you probably know, you are in the shock phase of discovery. Try not to do anything rash. Don't make any decisions at all about anything. Can you get a script for a tranquilizer of some type? It may help.

 

You will go from shock to grief I think, you just need to hang on. Plenty of time to sort everything out when you get your head together. Don't be surprised when it comes and goes, because it will.

 

Hang in there and keep posting...

[merrmeade]

Well, on february 24th my world came crashing down. He had been having an affair for the last 2 and a half years. I found it the worst possible way... A video of the two of them having sex in our spare bedroom. In my own home...

 

[b[#1][/b]He understands what he's done, he's remorseful and ashamed. He's trying very hard to be there for me, ...

- He called her in my presence and ended it.

- He told me she meant nothing and the usual "it was just sex"...

- He understands what he's done,

- he's remorseful

- and ashamed...

 

[#2] But I digress...

 

[#3] So my question... Will this go away?

She has a blog and posted about how much she will always love him, how special were their moments of sharing and intimacy. She says he's the only one besides her family who knows her and loves her for who she is. How she will always love him and cherish those moments. And she's writting a book about it too...

 

[#4] I'm working through it all ...

- I try and rationalize things

- He ... doesn't know how to react.

- My self esteem is gone

- I'm exhausted

- I'm starting to feel I'm loosing my mind ...

- there's an ugly monster inside of me screaming and it feels like it's never going to leave...

 

Anyone out there with any useful tips to help me navigate through this?

I'm a psychologist... I've no one else to turn to ...

Hi Maria,

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are and it was the worst experience of my life. Many others here too.

 

Second, my apologies for butchering your post and rearranging thoughts and sentences, but it's another way to say what occurred to me from what you wrote. For example, #1 -

- No, he doesn't freakin' understand what he's done and I suggest you wait before you put "remorseful and ashamed" together in the same sentence or affirm that he "understands what he's done." Read about "true remorse" in infidelity. Lots of good books have been recommended in this forum.

 

- That he told you "it was just sex" doesn't mean that's, ahem, altogether true. Sorry but many wayward spouses do that. Mine did. It's true (maybe) but you don't REALLY know what he said to her, do you? It's important right now mainly for you to start separating what is real and what is not - and why.

 

And #2 - NONE of what you wrote should be called a digression!

 

Third, the fact that she already sees herself as a writer and works at it daily means there's a very good chance she actually could write this book. Let's hope she's really not that good a writer and, since your husband is not an ex-president, maybe won't get published. But, if she maintains a blog, she must be internet savvy. She could e-publish the book and link it to her blog.

 

in fact, my reaction to this thought (writing the book) was - "Thank god she's got the one of the best role models in history." Hillary endured at least two books published by ex-mistresses. Imagine what she went through and not only survived it with herSELF and her humanity intact but went on to make her own successful career in public service. She certainly didn't rely on "working through it all" by herself.

 

And fourth, although you have the public factor (the blog) to make your recovery more difficult and maybe even a time bomb (the book), you also have resources at your fingertips as a working psychologist. I can't imagine you haven't thought of this and wonder what's stopping you from seeing a professional?? You know the value of it better than anyone. You also know you'll be told: (i) The same things that bring down your patients will also sabotage your life like a tsunami and (ii) you must guard against the caveats of the profession—thinking you can fix yourself.

 

Enough said, Maria. Go get the right kind of help! You KNOW where and how to do this, and you WILL be a model patient. You will know how to use the counseling and, yes, you - of all people - WILL GET OVER IT.

 

You might even be better for it but no promises on that one. I'm studying Hillary, too. So, honey, if you DO do that last part - "be better for it" - promise me you'll come back here and tell me how.

[Zenstudent]

I'm sorry about your pain - I know it all too well.

 

Can you describe your thoughts leading up to the feeling of losing your mind? What trigger them?

 

It's absolutely normal to feel this way. Over time it will lessen, but probably not go away 100%.

[harrybrown]

I hope you start doing things for you and your self-esteem.

 

some ladies like to shop, at least that is what I have been told.

 

so go shopping. Exercise helps me.

 

Has he been tested for stds? has he written a timeline about the A?

 

is he keeping with the NC? is he transparent? Has he read how to help you heal from his A?

 

sounds like you have a good background, but sometimes others can help.

 

affair recovery is listed online. they might be able to help.

 

Has he paid for and taken a lie detector test?

 

that is a long time to lie and cheat. I don't think I could do it.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Maria, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here.

 

Your story nauseated AND resonated with me too.

 

My husband had a four year affair. Awful business, although I didn't have to suffer her being too close, at the time she lived 360 miles away, until it all blew up...then the 'fun' really started.

 

The thing that stands out to me, for you I'm certain, is the videoing themselves in your home...that's just absolutely the most vile thing for you to discover.

 

So much I could say about it but seriously it would take an enormous post.

 

Let her write her 'book'. All that will do is bare her lack of finesse, respect for others as well as herself and her dreadful lack of boundaries to all and sundry.

 

Meanwhile you take your time, step back and utilise the services of an appropriate counsellor to help you cope with this.

 

I'm a psychotherapist too, and it didn't help me much when I was far too distraught, as I'm certain you are. Knowing the process doesn't bring any relief. We need the help of someone else.

 

Make it your priority to find a safe place to express all those terrible, gut churning feelings before you make any decisions at all dear lady.

 

Holding you in my thoughts.

 

Cuckoo

[NTV]

For me journaling help the most. And drinking set me back the most.

[Silveron]

Maria,

 

 

Now would be the time to use your knowledge in psychology. Though it might not help the pain, it'll help navigate you through it. Does it ever end? For some people, no. However, I believe at some point it does. Right now it's just fresh so perhaps you are just looking to find a way to cope with the pain and the emotional roller coaster with this.

 

 

Remember the seven signs of grief, this is what you are going through right now. Try to set and finish short-term goals for yourself, it will help your self-esteem. The hardest part of this to not allow it to effect your own self-worth. You know as well as I do, that you are not the reason why he did this. You know that he has his own inner issues and demons that he needs to work out.

 

 

It's ok to feel the way you are and I am sorry you are going through this. I've been there, many have you are not alone in this.

[NTV]

How are you holding up today?

[DKT3]

Hi everyone! I've never posted anything before, but I've no one else to turn to and I'm starting to feel I'm loosing my mind...

 

So... I've been with my partner for the past 23 years. We started when we were 17 and now we're both 40. Before that, he had been my best friend for 3 years... I used to joke that we had upgraded our relationship. I never ever cheated on him. Ever. I had plenty of opportunities, but I always turned my back on them. I did it because I wouldn't want to hurt him, because I've always loved him and I have a deep respect for other people's feelings, regardless of who they are. I've always had an ever deeper respect for him because he's my partner and the man I love. If I love him, how could I hurt him, right?

 

Well, on february 24th my world came crashing down. He had been having an affair for the last 2 and a half years. I found it the worst possible way... A video of the two of them having sex in our spare bedroom. In my own home...

 

I felt angry, ashamed, humilliated... Like I'm no more than a piece of furniture.

 

He called her in my presence and ended it. He told me she meant nothing and the usual "it was just sex", but even if it was "just sex" he allowed her to feel loved and special because he choose to engage with her. She has a blog and posted about how much she will always love him, how special were their moments of sharing and intimacy. She says he's the only one besides her family who knows her and loves her for who she is. How she will always love him and cherish those moments. And she's writting a book about it too...

 

But I digress...

 

He understands what he's done, he's remorseful and ashamed. He's trying very hard to be there for me, but most of the time, he doesn't know how to react.

 

I'm a psychologist and I work with woman from prostitution contexts. I know how affairs work, I know all the theory, why it started, how it developed and continued... I know all about cognitive dissonance and justifications.

 

Thing is... I really feel like I'm loosing my mind... I'm working through it all but I'm exausted... My self esteem is gone and, even though I try and rationalize things, there's an ugly monster inside of me screaming and it feels like it's never going to leave...

 

So my question... Will this go away? Anyone out there with any useful tips to help me navigate through this?...

 

Sorry for the long post and sorry for any atrocities on the english grammar... I'm portuguese and english is not my native language... And thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

I also have an educational background in behavioral sciences, I think the problem is, with your training you use logic to explain.

 

When anything happens that requires processing an emotion, you go into computer mode, wherein you shut down, run your processing software and then, success, “Emotion Has Been Processed, Ready to Reboot.” It’s kind of like magic, except a lot sadder. (Although, you don’t know it’s sad, because you’re sort of incapable of feeling sad for longer than a few moments, right up until the point that you process it and rationalize it away.)

 

Been there, sometimes you simply have to force yourself to feel it. Try not to diagnose his action with logic just feel it.

[merrmeade]

Try not to diagnose his action with logic just feel it.

Best piece of advice I got from IC though it took some time to understand what she meant and why it's important.

 

It means you can't avoid the pain. Denying or ignoring it, analyzing or talking about it (and everything else) just postpones it. Your mind tries to make it go away, it just goes underground and becomes something else (e.g., depression). Allow everything that wells up without analyzing or trying to understand or change it at that moment. You cry or get angry without trying to squelch it. It's actually a relief to accept that your only job is to feel it.

[seren]

Hi Maria, I am so sorry you have had this happen to you, A's are truly terrible. x No one ever understands how an a can make a person feel until they have lived it, we all imagine we will deal with things in a certain way, then it happens to us and our worlds implode. I too have studied psychology and counselled others who have experienced infidelity, my approach sure changed after I learned first hand how it really feels. as other have said, forget the theory, this is different, it's you and it's emotions and no theory can fully explain or describe how it makes a person feel.

 

I journalled, I wrote every deep, dark, angry, sad feeling down and when I felt healed, I opened a bottle of champagne and burnt it. I am 9 and a bit years on from my own D Day, me and my husband are very happy, in some ways happier than we have ever been in our very long marriage. It takes time, it takes a lot of hard work from you both and it relies on truth, honesty and trust. the trust takes a while to come.

 

The OW sounds like she has very few scruples, if she is in a relationship then her partner needs to be told, if you can. I shudder to think how anyone could use what could be so hurtful to another as the basis for a book and for shame on those who might publish it, though she has little to endear herself to others. Who would want to read what a cheat and egotist writes?

 

We have all felt low self esteem, our self worth crashes through the floor, for a while, then gradually we realise that nothing we could have done could ever justify the A, not the disrespect shown by having the A in your home. Fist things first, get your H to redecorate that room, make it nothing like the room they used, burn the bed, get rid of anything you practically can to erase her from your home. It is symbolic, I think.

 

If you want to reconcile, be prepared for lots of bumps in the road, lots of feeling sick to the bottom of your soul and anger, lots of anger. I used to go to the beach when no one was about and scream at the ocean, I also smashed a lot of cups and I journalled every time I needed to get something out. I and my H tried to look forward, we couldn't change what had happened, but we could change what was ahead, it takes commitment from both of you. Look to each other for support and acknowledge your feelings. keep coming back to LS, it was a lifeline for me, one where I said things I would never say to anyone else. We have lived what you are going through and we understand how it feels. Take care of yourself xxx seren

[maria76]

Hi everyone!

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. All your words and questions have been very helpful, even if they weren’t always easy to read. They’ve help me think about what happened and see it from a different perspective, and I truly believe the ones that care about us are the one who have the courage to tell us what we don’t want to hear… they let us know what we need to hear, even if we don’t like it.

 

Sorry for the late reply… This is actually the third time I’m trying to reply, but I guess my answers are very long and my log in always expires. This time around, I decided to do things differently and write them in a word document first… Fingers crossed!

 

Please bear in mind, my Dday happened 7 months ago. My answers are based not only on the several long and hard conversations we’ve been having about this mess, but also in the behaviors I see. Our own perspective of what happened has changed over time. I’ll try not to interpret much because I really appreciate an unbiased output. But trying is not succeeding.

This is going to be a very long post, but I’ve tried to answer everyone as best as I could, so forgive me in advance… and feel free to skip all you want… or to butcher it any way you’d like.

 

So, here we go… strike three…

 

ChickiePops, we’ve been talking about what happened and the reasons we got here. We’ve been taking a good hard look at our relationship and trying to figure out we ended like this. It’s been hard on both of us, but like he says, his choices brought this on us, and especially on me. He’s been answering all my questions a thousand times, with care and patience, and although I know he’d much rather run (he has anxiety disorder and he is an avoider by default), he’s been there for me. There have been a lot of behavioral changes, some of them little things, like not keeping his phone secret all the time. He’s around me most of the time now and he’s been consistently accountable.

 

Flowergirl14, how do I know?... I really don’t know. I’ve been taking everything with a pinch of salt… But I have access to all his passwords (emails, computer, phone, …) and have detailed phone records. So far, as far as I can see, there has been no contact whatsoever. And when she did contact, he showed me and didn’t reply. Will it restart?... I hope not, but hoping isn’t the same as knowing. We went through a lot together and I hope he remembers this whenever opportunity presents itself again. I hope he remembers to sets me free if this ever happens again. I hope he remembers me… But that’s a lot of “hopes”, I know.

 

AileD, sometimes I do, sometimes I think if I wouldn’t be better off alone. We’ve known each other since we were 14 and we’ve been together since we were 17. Between those ages he was my best friend. We’ve been together longer than we’ve been alone or with other people, and that’s including childhood years. He was my first and only lover… Sadly, I’m no longer his, but that’s on him, although it hurts. Is he committed? Again, I hope so, but if there was one thing this thing taught me was that I can only speak for myself.

 

Road, no he has not changed his phone. But he never goes into other rooms to answer it, shows me the messages and it’s not on him at all times. She is blocked from his Facebook, I have access to his personal emails and I changed the password of their secret email account (he doesn’t know the current password so only I have access to it), skype has been removed from all of the computers. I have detailed phone records, past and present.

I didn’t expose her. But then again, I believe she is quite proud of herself, so anything I might do will just add to that… and she’s not worth it. I am far better than that and I refuse to allow myself to lower myself to her level. They met through facebook.

 

I8estnwes, again I don’t know… See above for “hopes”… I am aware that they had a relationship… painfully aware. He did tell me he made it clear to her that he was only interested in the sex, that he had a relationship and that he had no intention of leaving. He also told her that the minute that relationship was threatened he’d drop her, no questions asked. For him, he says it was clear and she agreed. As for me, see above on “pinch of salt”… She did however refer to herself as his “little whore”.

 

Despite that, he did allow her to believe he cared. He didn’t tell her he liked her or loved her, but he allowed her to tell him that. He says he avoided having to give an answer and dismissed the subject, reminding her of their agreement. Once more, pinch of salt…

 

And yes, we both know that it wasn’t a mistake, but a long string of very bad decisions and justifications. He feels like he didn’t have a choice, but rationally he can see he had a lot of other options, including being my friend and setting me free.

 

Bluespower, I’m not one to make rash decisions. I usually like to sleep on matters and weigh the pros and cons of any decisions. It took me days to even speak of the subject and when I did, I had thought long and hard about it. I don’t want to take any medication. It would only mask the pain and I know I have to go through it. I know I’ll come out a stronger person after that… I just don’t want to be bitter. I’ve always been a happy person and I don’t want to lose that in the long run.

 

Merrmeade, please feel free to butcher my posts anytime. It shows me you cared enough to really think it through, and I can’t thank you enough for it. I hope he does… I’ve mentioned “hope” before, right?... From what I can see, mostly he seems relieved. He sleeps better, looks happier and he’s usually in a better mood. I catch him looking at me when I’m sad and he always tries to comfort me.

 

Although I don’t think he wanted to see things that way and struggled with that, he had to admit to himself and me that it wasn’t just about sex. He told me he liked the way she worshiped him and the way she made him feel. Her devotion gave him an ego boost when he was feeling like a failure. He expressed he was a coward and that his choices were selfish and self-centered, and that he should’ve and could’ve done things in a fairer and cleaner way. He knows that his choices don’t reflect good on him and he’s ashamed of himself. We’ve been trying to see things for what they really are and we discuss it together. I have to be fair about it… he’s been trying hard. Again, there have been multiple conversations on the matter and our perceptions have evolved.

 

We can’t go to a therapist right now, because money has been very tight. We are now both employed, but we’re still struggling and therapy is expensive here. But we have agreed that we will go into counseling together as soon as we can.

 

Zenstudent, there are thousands of triggers around me unfortunately. Remember, I saw them in the spare room of my own house. She petted my dog. There’s a door in my house that’s always closed and I can redecorate all I want, but I can’t get rid of my dog… Sad, but true. It’s just one other thing I have to deal with. Whenever the triggers happen, he gives me a hug or holds my hand and kisses it, and tells me he loves me. I sound like a broken record, but… another pinch of salt.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing control of myself. Sometimes I sound so angry and hurtful… I don’t want to be like that. That’s not me and it’s very scary. That’s when I feel like I’m losing my mind and turning into some kind of sarcastic monster.

 

Harrybrown, he is doing things for me, I have to be fair about it. He is an avoider, so I know every time we speak of it he would much rather run, but he stays and endures, and answers. When I’m angry, he says it’s okay because he deserves it. Yes, we’ve both been tested for stds and came out clean, and yes, I have a timeline of the affair and all their routines. We’ve discussed it several times. As for being transparent and keeping no contact, see above. Lie detector tests are only available to the police here in Portugal. I wouldn’t even know where to look for it.

 

DKT13, you’re right. I’ve always been a very logical and rational person, and maybe that’s why I’m struggling so hard. Sometimes, I can’t make any sense of things anymore. By professional (de)formation, I know that our thoughts and perceptions shape our feelings… but maybe I should just allow myself to feel.

 

Seren, although I don’t keep a formal journal, I do write some of my thoughts. The bottle of champagne and the fire sounded very therapeutical. I hope I get to try that.

 

As for her, what can I say that won’t sound bitter?... I do know her personally. She was never a friend, but she was a sort of close acquaintance of mine for a while. What I know of her, I not only know through him but also from our conversations. Yes, she is single. She comes from money, and supposedly has some medical condition that prevents her from working, and her family has always protected her from the outside world. She’s immature, self-absorbed and futile. She believes she’s a cross between a character of a romantic novel and Anastacia from 50 Shades of Grey. But that’s on her. I don’t want to be her. I don’t live at the end of the rainbow. I have cut people like her from my life because I don’t need them around me. She is a disaster waiting to happen, but she’s not my problem. I have my own problems to sort out.

 

Those I haven’t mentioned, thank you for your words and insights. You have been most kind and I feel deeply grateful for your support.

 

Sorry again for the long post…

Hugs from Portugal,

Maria

[Lion Heart]

Dear Maria

 

Firstly YOUR English is WAY better than my Portuguese.

Congratulations :-).

 

Secondly, sorry for your pain.

I booked in to see a Psychologist the very next morning 8am actually!

I had been through infidelity with my previous WH BUT I COULD NOT BELIEVE THE depth of THIS pain.

I uphold that it would have been better for us if he'd died in a car accident.

 

A poster here once said that she lost a child through death and for some reason, her Hs infidelity was worse.

I can understand this because ONE is out of our spouse's control.

 

The other, infidelity, COMPLETELY within WHs control.

In fact INTENTIONAL.

 

You have ALOT to process. For now your theory goes out the window (kind of) and you are here with us.

 

I have also done years of study in Psychology within my degrees. None of it helped me (much!) From D Day.

 

Maria you haven't spoken to OW?

 

Many people guide against this.

I did this immediately every time.

 

It was a gut reaction "He has been LYING to me. DECEIVING me. I'm never going to get the TRUTH from him in a million years!" I go STRAIGHT to the OW. Not that i get complete truth there either! Lol. But unless they've been colluding in preparation for D Day, they are both ALL OVER THE PLACE. Whatever she says then whatever he says can be completely different and OPPOSING sides of the story.

 

I FOUND OUT MORE FROM OWs about everything. From the prospective OWs too.

 

In fact it was THEIR picture of both WHs AND HEARING how their well versed speil about the BW went that matched the pity stories ALL cheating spouses love to use (sorry, no one's STUCK in M. Divorce if you are THAT UNHAPPY but indeed they are mostly not. Simply cake-eaters) THAT MATCHED THE STORIES here on LS perfectly.

 

I knew the depth of the affairs.

 

IMHO to NOT want to know the depth of affairs, as a BS, or any other details is choosing to live in denial. Attempting to PRETEND by rug-sweeping. There is NO dirt under my rugs. I CHOOSE to know exactly the man I'm married to, it's my right to in M more than even knowing about my children's lives.

 

Ofcourse I gave up wanting to know anymore.

After X number of OWs on a wash rinse repeat cycle I couldn't care less anymore. I was done.

 

IMO THIS is why the OWs Blog is so shocking for you to read. I listened or read X amount of anything and everything until I had had a stomach full. In this I COULD SEE CLEARLY the pattern of sexually predatorial behaviours. ExWH makes me sick.

 

Facing this at the beginning was HORRIBLE.

Many times my fury had ALMOST no bounds.

I could've gotten off with an 18m good behaviour bond for one thing. I HAD TO RESTRAIN MYSELF.

I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THE FURY before.

 

Apparently the depths of my grief was EQUAL to the depth of my INVESTMENT in this M. Into HIM (the worse than useless waste of O2).

 

Now 22 months out from D Day, exWH is hanging by the noose he made for me (hoping to push me to suicide) it's all tightening around him now. And that's AWESOME!

Karma in action for sure.

 

Maria, allow yourself to be HUMAN and NOT TO KNOW everything.

This incredible experience will inform your practise later on as NO ONE ON EARTH KNOWS the gravity of what they do when they betray their spouse. No amount of empathy will ever equal what we've been through.

 

Nothing but this.

 

I took leave from my job immediately.

More later as required.

 

I was drunk for a month! And yeah, it actually helped! But I stopped cold turkey when I realized that I was only numbing my pain and procrastinating about the situation I was facing alone. LS helped me realize this. Then the real work began.

 

Through the depths of my despair, LS was here.

There was nothing else that saved my life but the hope of renewal shown through LS. Merrmeade most especially.

 

At your worst times:

* Drink water

* Go to sleep

* Write your FEELINGS OUT IN ANY FORM - I'd add to a certain Blog of I were you but nah. Not your style lol.

* READ CHUMP LADY. Awesome! And that puts a smile on your face and a sh** scared look on WHs too!

 

Then in more lucid times:

* get your ducks all in a row. This was automatic for me. But the INSISTENCE from LS made me keep going! I'M GRATEFUL I KEPT DOING THIS. yay.

* seek Legal Advice.

* transfer as much as expecting Separation and divorce as possible.

* expose expose expose

* become VERY familiar with the Cheater's Handbook 101. KNOW the techniques he's using on you IF HE TRIES.

* have him read What A WS needs to do ....

 

Should you CHOOSE:

* get a GPS on WHs phone, car, anything.

* make him get rid of that bed. And redecorate the room.

* have ALL his passwords.

* print out all phone records and anything else for perusal later, should you need to. Keep these somewhere off premises. Safe. (SO GLAD I DID THIS TOO!!!)

 

You can do this Maria. Be safe.

 

I refused to live with the sh** my cheating Hs did. I'M SO HAPPY THAT I GOT them out of my life.

I have too much to achieve in my life to let THEIR CR** divert me (for too long).

I have beautiful children to love and provide for.

A gorgeous man in my life who brings me more happiness than I could have imagined.

Wonderful friends and a hungry career!

 

I'm worth MORE than that treatment. The people who treat me and my children in such despicable manners aren't worth anything. IMHO ofcourse. :-))

 

Love and blessings surrounding you at all times

Lion Heart

[merrmeade]

Dear Lion Heart ...

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think your English is very good actually, better than some native speaker we get on here. The author John Gray, who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, got divorced and he is suppose to be an expert in relationships. It only goes to show that none of us are immune from an affair. Some people get over the affair and want to reconcile and some folks never do. That doesn’t make you good or bad, that is just the way it is in life. You have an advantage with your training as you do understand the mechanics behind all this. I would recommend setting a time, say six month increments and see if you think you have made progress. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to solve the problems, but it does take time and patience.

[howtoproceed]

Seven months from D-Day isn't really that long IMO. You are still kind of in the mind - **** stage just not total mind - ****. I think I was still having flash backs and extreme anger and mind movies at seven months. Probably by 12 months you won't feel like you are going out of your mind.

 

Long term though, and this may have been asked, will you ever be able to trust him again?

[merrmeade]

Maria you haven't spoken to OW?

 

Many people guide against this.

I did this immediately every time.

It was a gut reaction "He has been LYING to me. DECEIVING me. I'm never going to get the TRUTH from him in a million years!" I go STRAIGHT to the OW. Not that i get complete truth there either! Lol. But unless they've been colluding in preparation for D Day, they are both ALL OVER THE PLACE. Whatever she says then whatever he says can be completely different and OPPOSING sides of the story.

 

I FOUND OUT MORE FROM OWs about everything. From the prospective OWs too.

In fact it was THEIR picture of both WHs AND HEARING how their well versed speil about the BW went that matched the pity stories ALL cheating spouses love to use (sorry, no one's STUCK in M. Divorce if you are THAT UNHAPPY but indeed they are mostly not. Simply cake-eaters) THAT MATCHED THE STORIES here on LS perfectly.

I knew the depth of the affairs.

IMHO to NOT want to know the depth of affairs, as a BS, or any other details is choosing to live in denial. Attempting to PRETEND by rug-sweeping. There is NO dirt under my rugs. I CHOOSE to know exactly the man I'm married to, it's my right to in M more than even knowing about my children's lives.

Ofcourse I gave up wanting to know anymore.

After X number of OWs on a wash rinse repeat cycle I couldn't care less anymore. I was done.

I listened or read X amount of anything and everything until I had had a stomach full. In this I COULD SEE CLEARLY the pattern of sexually predatorial behaviours. ExWH makes me sick.

IMO THIS is why the OWs Blog is so shocking for you to read.

 

Facing this at the beginning was HORRIBLE.

Many times my fury had ALMOST no bounds.

I could've gotten off with an 18m good behaviour bond for one thing. I HAD TO RESTRAIN MYSELF.

I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THE FURY before.

...

This incredible experience will inform your practise later on as NO ONE ON EARTH KNOWS the gravity of what they do when they betray their spouse. No amount of empathy will ever equal what we've been through.

Nothing but this.

 

...I was drunk for a month! And yeah, it actually helped! But I stopped cold turkey when I realized that I was only numbing my pain and procrastinating about the situation I was facing alone. LS helped me realize this. Then the real work began.

 

Through the depths of my despair, LS was here.

There was nothing else that saved my life but the hope of renewal shown through LS. Merrmeade most especially.

 

At your worst times:

* Drink water

* Go to sleep

* Write your FEELINGS OUT IN ANY FORM - I'd add to a certain Blog of I were you but nah. Not your style lol.

* READ CHUMP LADY. Awesome! And that puts a smile on your face and a sh** scared look on WHs too!

 

Then in more lucid times:

* get your ducks all in a row. This was automatic for me. But the INSISTENCE from LS made me keep going! I'M GRATEFUL I KEPT DOING THIS. yay.

* seek Legal Advice.

* transfer as much as expecting Separation and divorce as possible.

* expose expose expose

* become VERY familiar with the Cheater's Handbook 101. KNOW the techniques he's using on you IF HE TRIES.

* have him read What A WS needs to do ....

 

Should you CHOOSE:

* get a GPS on WHs phone, car, anything.

* make him get rid of that bed. And redecorate the room.

* have ALL his passwords.

* print out all phone records and anything else for perusal later, should you need to. Keep these somewhere off premises. Safe. (SO GLAD I DID THIS TOO!!!)

 

You can do this Maria. Be safe.

 

I refused to live with the sh** my cheating Hs did. I'M SO HAPPY THAT I GOT them out of my life.

I have too much to achieve in my life to let THEIR CR** divert me (for too long).

I have beautiful children to love and provide for.

A gorgeous man in my life who brings me more happiness than I could have imagined.

Wonderful friends and a hungry career!

 

I'm worth MORE than that treatment. The people who treat me and my children in such despicable manners aren't worth anything. IMHO ofcourse. :-))

 

Love and blessings surrounding you at all times

Lion Heart

Lion Heart's hit on the main areas of concern post d-day for betrayed spouses. If some haven't come up yet for you, maybe consider being proactive or at least just think about what your limits are or what you'll do if you discover things he didn't share.

 

Maybe you have no doubt now. All the more reason why you'd be blindsided.

 

It sounds like you're doing all the 'right' things in the way you're talking together, listening, opening up - but I wonder how much is social worker 'right' - all nice and balanced for both of you together. - and how much is really what's right for YOU. You read how Lion Heart ended up, but she started out trying to reconcile then realized - as she learned more and more about her WH she hadn't known - it was more than she could live with.

 

And about talking to the OWs—She's pretty unique on that one; everyone else recommends strongly NOT putting yourself through it. In my case, OW was a family member but even then, everything she said was to protect my husband. I didn't learn a thing. Just the opposite, she had vilified me (it justifies their actions if there's something wrong with the BS) and lied to protect my husband or just didn't answer. She had no interest in helping me - which was just further humiliation. So I'm wondering if it maybe the key is in HOW you approach the WW for this information. Just how did LH approach the OWs to get them to talk to her? Besides, isn't your OW's blog disturbing enough without adding a live conversation on top of that?

 

The other things - like I said - they're BS 101 and you just need to think about them.

[Lion Heart]

And about talking to the OWs—She's pretty unique on that one; everyone else recommends strongly NOT putting yourself through it. In my case, OW was a family member but even then, everything she said was to protect my husband. I didn't learn a thing. Just the opposite, she had vilified me (it justifies their actions if there's something wrong with the BS) and lied to protect my husband or just didn't answer. She had no interest in helping me - which was just further humiliation. So I'm wondering if it maybe the key is in HOW you approach the WW for this information. Just how did LH approach the OWs to get them to talk to her? Besides, isn't your OW's blog disturbing enough without adding a live conversation on top of that?

 

The other things - like I said - they're BS 101 and you just need to think about them.

 

I completely agree that contacting the OW in Maria's case now is probably NOT a good idea. 7 months out? Nope.

Blogger?? Lol omg no.

 

I WILL SAY THAT contacting ALL the OWs immediately was my FIRST instinct.

 

In fact, IN ALL cases of my H cheating (bfs I left instantly. Done. It's a true disease in our entitled / enabler society here) but in the cases of my Hs. I showed them the door AND "TALK TO THE HAND. GIVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER".

 

I REFUSED to speak with WH AT ALL UNTIL AFTER I spoke with OW.

 

My reasoning?

* I just found out my H had LIED through his teeth to me for how long??? Who knows? OW knows. Believe or TRUST A WORD out of WH mouth? Never.

 

* As upside down as this may sound, I actually trust any OW more than my cheating H. In every case here the OWs weren't M. HOW did WHs COERCE a woman to become an AP. MOST women would never become involved with a MM UNLESS there were promises made ....

I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT promises were made.

AND MAKE WH responsible for those promises. (More om the thread I promise to start after my D is happily lodged...waiting with baited breath! Lol).

OW was not M to me.

OW owe me nothing.

In fact I have nothing against OWs in this case here IT IS ALWAYS on the M spouse to protect their M.

OWs and OMs are a dime a dozen.

It matters to me not who they are (unless related dear Mermaid) but indeed WHAT they THOUGHT they had with WH.

THIS is very important.

BY DESIGN many cheaters lead their APs right up the garden path then throw them off the cliff.

 

* I actually have a "sisterhood" mentality. I'm ALWAYS on the OWs side from the get go. And so the conversation goes because I am SINCERE about this.

Pregnancy? Because it happens!

STDs?

Etcetera.

RECOMPENSE and restitution.

Men should not be allowed to predate on any women.

My EXWHs know this right down the line....now.

Do I want to be the OWs friend?

Hell no. I make this quite clear. I would never actively begin a friendship with ANYBODY who cheats on their spouse nor who is an AP.

THEY'VE ALL wanted to be mine.

Once restitution is made. I'm out.

 

* I use the call as information gathering. Approximately 300% more information from OW than WH. I got far clearer pictures then.

I want the truth at nearly any cost within the law.

One phonecall only.

THEY HAVE ALL DESPERATELY wanted to talk to me.

Ofcourse I realize they have issues to have been sucked in by a MM. In most cases they are drama queens lol matching the disaster king.

 

* I never stalk. NEVER. I'm simply not interested in OWs life or anything but HOW the A impacted them and to bring that information to light in any way I choose.

 

* I ALWAYS fully expose. IMO this puts a safety net out to all women re-WH. Including their mothers. ESPECIALLY their mothers.

Seeing a mother's REACTION is very telling.

In fact IMO there's future research to be done there.

Both WHs mothers were upset at first.....kind of. Then TOTALLY blamed me soon after, during the first phonecall in my cases lol. I'll tell you MY verbal responses in my thread.

I'd RIP my son's throats out if they cheated on their wives! Figuratively ofcourse. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating nor lying. The women in these families EXPECT ALL MEN to cheat. Lie. Have As. It's disgusting the moral level of these families.

 

So IDK, would I do it all the same way with the understandings I have NOW?

No.

Because within the first breath I'd be done.

I'd still care about the effects on the OW but I'd burn him before I'd burn her any day.

 

Ofcourse in all my cases WH had chosen VULNERABLE women. One was SO OLD compared to WH and most were single mothers, unemployed, penniless and on welfare. Lord knows WH had his checklist. He is a sexual predator who groomed women sometimes for years!

 

Maria, we must've been posting simultaneously from opposite sides of the world.

I echo people who say it's such early days for you.

I'm sorry.

 

The triggers are UNBELIEVABLE right?

I've developed a technique that works for me.

I'll share over on the other thread.

I was still shaking over a year later from triggers. Even when I wasn't triggering. My children would hold my hand sometimes and say "Mum you're shaking!" They got used to it.

Now he's been out of the home for 7 months I'm not anymore.

Triggers are dispensed almost immediately yay.

 

Moving on so well.

 

Give yourself TIME.

Expect anger! That is NORMAL Maria. Omg such high expectations of yourself. Allow yourself to be human.

 

Cry when you need to and really let yourself cry rivers if need be. I could cry a bucketful of tissues reading the beautiful PMs from my LS friends BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTOOD me.

 

For me reconciliation was false.

I'm super happy it's over tbh.

ExWH is a remorseless being.

 

If your WH CAN show you everything you need to see.

And if your gut can fall in line, then you may be able to recover.

 

For me, even the "successful" reconciliation stories didn't look pretty and with the enormity of what I was dealing with, it was just a NO for me.

 

But just like all the other SINCERE WSs here, I truly hope you CAN happily "remarry" your H.

 

If the R fails, it's not a failure on your part. I actually call my Ds a success. Then springboard from that perspective.

 

I did better than my VERY best, my God and I know this to be true. That's all that matters to me now. That and being blissfully happy, which I am at long last.

 

Lion Heart

Edited October 16, 2016 by Lion Heart