foolman Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hey, my wife doesn't like to listen to me about important decisions. She will just argue with me about it until I give up and say OK and then when it turns out she should have listened to me then forgets the conversation ever happened and then gets mad if I try to point out what I said. She doesn't agree that not listening to me ever causes a problem for us. Is this pretty normal marital stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I have actually considered carrying around a VAR (voice activated recorder) just to have proof I was right! My husband has considered the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Do you ever ask for her opinion or try to include her, or just tell her "this" is the decision? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
piano1962 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I'd say disagreeing over stuff is normal in a marriage, as it is with any other relationship; because we are all unique individuals with our own thinking. However, to have a good relationship requires the skill of "listening" on both sides. I think your wife needs to be aware of the fact that her listening is creating problems. Since she's not listening to you, is there a third party in the house who can be a witness to her behavior and let her know how she's behaving? (Sometimes people do things not being aware of what they're doing.) You'd want to find a way to resolve issues so it will not develop into more serious problems. If it's bad enough, may be counseling will be the next step. Hope things will work out for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Maybe it's because we are both a bit conflict avoidant, but no, this isn't normal in my house at least. We tend to agree on major decisions, and in the rare case that we don't, we talk about it and compromise. I can't say I have ever uttered "you don't listen to me" nor has he ever said that to me. Well wait, I take that back - I say it often if football is in TV! Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hey, my wife doesn't like to listen to me about important decisions. She will just argue with me about it until I give up and say OK and then when it turns out she should have listened to me then forgets the conversation ever happened and then gets mad if I try to point out what I said. She doesn't agree that not listening to me ever causes a problem for us. Is this pretty normal marital stuff? When you say "listen", do you actually mean "obey"? I'm asking because it appears that this is a power struggle. Your wife doesn't want to do what you say; possibly because she feels controlled or she thinks her way is best. When you point out what you advised after the fact, it comes across as "I told you so" so she lashes out. Spouses should share decision making and it seems like neither of you understand that. You feel that your wife should do what you tell her and she believes that what she wants is of utmost importance. My husband and I had power struggles until we decided to use each other's strengths when it came to decision making. We also agreed that we would discuss possible solutions and my husband would have the final say which also meant that he would take responsibility if his decision turned out to be wrong. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband is smarter than I am and more level headed. However, there are some areas which he has difficulties with and I tend to take the lead in those situations. It's normal to argue and disagree in a marriage but neither spouse should be the "boss" of the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Wow she doesn't listen and he is controlling? It's pretty common 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 That behaviour would be enough for me to end a relationship. People who don't listen make you feel lonely, and people who deny annoying behaviours just make you angry. She sounds very arrogant, and, sadly, arrogant people usually don't respond to reasonable discussion, they only acknowledge your feelings when you snap and start yelling at them or treating them with contempt and the same disregard they have for you. They are often the same people who, when their behaviour has made you so frustrated that you go quiet, will start needling you and saying, "What's wrong with you?" in a tone that suggests you are at fault for being frustrated. Giving these people a shock sometimes helps, but they usually revert back to their arrogant selves once they think the relationship is in safe water again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Wow she doesn't listen and he is controlling? It's pretty common I mentioned control issues based on the OP's phrasing. He said his wife doesn't "listen when it comes to important decisions" and then she gets angry when he tries to remind her what he said if her choices were wrong. Why should she always "listen" to him when it comes to pertinent decisions? I don't condone the way she badgers him into doing what she wants either because that is just as bossy. Neither of them should be forced to appease the other all the time. There has to be give and take. Sometimes people refuse to listen because they feel like they are being bossed around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 That behaviour would be enough for me to end a relationship. People who don't listen make you feel lonely, and people who deny annoying behaviours just make you angry. She sounds very arrogant, and, sadly, arrogant people usually don't respond to reasonable discussion, they only acknowledge your feelings when you snap and start yelling at them or treating them with contempt and the same disregard they have for you. They are often the same people who, when their behaviour has made you so frustrated that you go quiet, will start needling you and saying, "What's wrong with you?" in a tone that suggests you are at fault for being frustrated. Giving these people a shock sometimes helps, but they usually revert back to their arrogant selves once they think the relationship is in safe water again. My husband used to be like this except he said he was a "lazy procrastinator" rather than arrogant. He also wondered why I didn't want to be affectionate after that. He would promise to complete tasks and then not do them for months or even years after several polite reminders. When I finally snapped by screaming and also being cold, that is when my husband began to make changes. I also let him know that I wasn't going to be affectionate to someone whose actions showed me that he didn't care what I said or wanted. It's possible for people who truly want to change to refrain from reverting back to their old behavior. It takes much effort and a real desire to be different though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I mentioned control issues based on the OP's phrasing. He said his wife doesn't "listen when it comes to important decisions" and then she gets angry when he tries to remind her what he said if her choices were wrong. Why should she always "listen" to him when it comes to pertinent decisions? I don't condone the way she badgers him into doing what she wants either because that is just as bossy. Neither of them should be forced to appease the other all the time. There has to be give and take. Sometimes people refuse to listen because they feel like they are being bossed around. As he told the Story she sounds more controlling, being she hounds him into submission and he backs down. How one could assume him being controlling here is at best reaching. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 As he told the Story she sounds more controlling, being she hounds him into submission and he backs down. How one could assume him being controlling here is at best reaching. I agree that she sounds dictatorial. Shouting a spouse into submission is emotionally abusive. However, I'm also getting the feeling that the OP thinks his wife should do whatever he says because he knows best. It's as if he thinks that his wife is not to challenge him. Why else would he need to gloat when her decisions turn out to be wrong? Marital issues are rarely just because of one spouse. They are both guilty of wanting to be right more than happily reaching a compromise. Boundaries need to be set so that resentment doesn't set in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I agree that she sounds dictatorial. Shouting a spouse into submission is emotionally abusive. However, I'm also getting the feeling that the OP thinks his wife should do whatever he says because he knows best. It's as if he thinks that his wife is not to challenge him. Why else would he need to gloat when her decisions turn out to be wrong? Marital issues are rarely just because of one spouse. They are both guilty of wanting to be right more than happily reaching a compromise. Boundaries need to be set so that resentment doesn't set in. I'm not going to debate the point, I'm only using what he said while your making assumptions. If you were correct about him he wouldn't back down. Controlling men don't back down to women period. How.is it control if he has none over important decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I'm not going to debate the point, I'm only using what he said while your making assumptions. If you were correct about him he wouldn't back down. Controlling men don't back down to women period. How.is it control if he has none over important decisions. You've already been debating your point. He may back down but he still tries to regain control by gloating about being right. As I said before, his wife is controlling as well so maybe you and I agree more than you think. Communication and control issues need to be worked on in this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Welcome to marriage? But seriously though, the important thing though isn't that you guys agree all of the time, it's that you can discuss the things you disagree on respectfully and come to a decision together. Even if you think you are always right you aren't going to get your way all of the time, that isn't how a marriage (or any sort of relationship) works. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Have you any understanding of how MIL treats FIL? A long time ago I had a serious gf who made the mistake of introducing me to her parents and hanging around her house enough that I saw my future with her in horrifying detail. She treated me much the same way her mother treated her father. So I bailed. Think about what I am suggesting here. If MIL still badgers FIL until he gives up, that's how she will be unless a miracle happens. Is this how you want to live out your remaining days on earth? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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