ChickiePops Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Yeah, to each their own. My H is super close to all of his friends and we are thrilled when someone can come with us on any trip (even if it's just a single person). My son loves all his "uncles" and personally we wouldn't feel the need or want to get away from the friend because we love them. I can see how it would be awkward and uncomfortable within a normal adult friendship because most adults just aren't that close with their friends. IMO it's one of the saddest things about being an adult. I'm very close to my friends. But when I want to go on vacation with my fiance, I don't want one of them tagging along and making it a weird threesome. We do take vacations with our friends..but never just with one of them at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 I just can't imagine anyone wanting to and intruding on a family holiday like this. Doesn't the guy have any other friends? A family holiday is just that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 I just can't imagine anyone wanting to and intruding on a family holiday like this. Doesn't the guy have any other friends? A family holiday is just that. A few of DH's friends ARE family to us. We're very similar to Gemma1 in that our close friends would be welcome to come along with us because we love them. And, since they ARE family, we have no problem telling them when/if we need some alone time. One of the most fun and memorable vacations I have had was with DH, the kids, and his (single) best friend. On that trip, when we wanted alone time, Friend simply went exploring on his own for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 A few of DH's friends ARE family to us. We're very similar to Gemma1 in that our close friends would be welcome to come along with us because we love them. And, since they ARE family, we have no problem telling them when/if we need some alone time. One of the most fun and memorable vacations I have had was with DH, the kids, and his (single) best friend. On that trip, when we wanted alone time, Friend simply went exploring on his own for a while. I think a single friend coming along seems like an intrusion. Especially if they were not invited. I've been on holiday with my husband and kids and my brother and his family have come with us as well. That's 2 families going together and not one family or another friend asking if they can come. Big difference. When I say a family holiday, I mean nuclear family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 A few of DH's friends ARE family to us. We're very similar to Gemma1 in that our close friends would be welcome to come along with us because we love them. And, since they ARE family, we have no problem telling them when/if we need some alone time. One of the most fun and memorable vacations I have had was with DH, the kids, and his (single) best friend. On that trip, when we wanted alone time, Friend simply went exploring on his own for a while. Yes but in this case you both wanted the friend to come along. This dude invited himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Yes but in this case you both wanted the friend to come along. This dude invited himself. Yes, but again it's her husband's *best* friend, it's not just a "dude." And her husband wants him to come, she's the only one against it. That's why I'm suggesting that maybe she should make an effort to reevaluate her feelings about this, so that they CAN both want him to come along, in which case she and her husband can enjoy the wonderful family + friend vacations that only MJJean and I seem to value. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Yes, but again it's her husband's *best* friend, it's not just a "dude." And her husband wants him to come, she's the only one against it. That's why I'm suggesting that maybe she should make an effort to reevaluate her feelings about this, so that they CAN both want him to come along, in which case she and her husband can enjoy the wonderful family + friend vacations that only MJJean and I seem to value. That's rude. Of course I enjoy going on vacations with my friends..in fact, my best friend and I just planned one for a couple of weeks from now. But sometimes I want to go away with my fiance just the two of us, and if we have kids, sometimes I'll want to go away with JUST him and them. I adore my friends, especially my best friend and her husband and kids, and I've taken many vacations with them..but that doesn't mean I need them on every single one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 I just can't get my head round this. I think it's rude to invite yourself on to a family vacation. I wonder if your husband actually asked him to come along and is twisting it round. It's not a family and friends holiday. I go away with my friends. I go away with my family. And I go away with my family and my brother or sister'sfamily. But one single friend tagging along is quite different. Inviting yourself to anything is never play IMHO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 (edited) That's rude. Of course I enjoy going on vacations with my friends..in fact, my best friend and I just planned one for a couple of weeks from now. But sometimes I want to go away with my fiance just the two of us, and if we have kids, sometimes I'll want to go away with JUST him and them. I adore my friends, especially my best friend and her husband and kids, and I've taken many vacations with them..but that doesn't mean I need them on every single one. Before, you said you'd never bring just one friend tagging along like a weird threesome. Now, you're saying you have taken many vacations with just your best friend and her family. So...which is it? If you've tagged along on *your* best friend's family vacations, why do you think it's so strange for her husband to want *his* best friend to come on theirs? And also, who ever said anything about "every single one"? This is just one vacation. Of course I'm not arguing you should never take vacations alone. But her husband wants the friend to come on this one. And I wasn't rude in my other post, notice the smiley face? Sheesh. Edited October 15, 2016 by Gemma1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Before, you said you'd never bring just one friend tagging along like a weird threesome. Now, you're saying you have taken many vacations with just your best friend and her family. So...which is it? If you've tagged along on *your* best friend's family vacations, why do you think it's so strange for her husband to want *his* best friend to come on theirs? And also, who ever said anything about "every single one"? This is just one vacation. Of course I'm not arguing you should never take vacations alone. But her husband wants the friend to come on this one. And I wasn't rude in my other post, notice the smiley face? Sheesh. Smiley faces don't negate rudeness. That's like when someone says 'no offense but..' and then says something offensive. Yes, MY FIANCÉ AND I take vacations with my best friend and her family. I assumed that part was obvious from the way I spoke about being a third wheel. I would never just tag along on a family vacation..how terribly awkward. But even if I did I would never ask to come on a trip that was already planned. Yeah, her husband wants his friend to come and she doesn't. Her opinion is equally valid to his. It sounds like they've been planning this for a while and suddenly the best friend asks if he can come..it's so tactless. She was looking forward to a family vacation and it was rude and weird of the guy to ask to come. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Hi Julia, for what it's worth I think you are entirely justified in the way you feel about your fiance's friend tagging along on your "Family" vacation. As others have said, the friend seems a rather insensitive person to be inviting himself on what should be a time for the family to gel together. Gemma and MJJean seemed to have missed the point you made that you and your fiance work opposite shifts and do not get family time in the normal course. This vacation would have given you that time to be close and to be able to do things together as a family. You are not going on a picnic where the more the merrier. A vacation is a time for family togetherness and bonding. Maybe some people like distractions or space between their spouses to feel comfortable but then that is their own preference. Every body has their own likes and dislikes and if you have expressed your discomfort with your fiance's best friend tagging along on your vacation then so be it and that fact should be respected by all and sundry. If others would do it differently then that's fine but all they can do is tell you what they would do in this situation and let you decide whether you would be comfortable doing what they do. To imply that you are over reacting or in some way, making your fiance kow tow to your wishes at the cost of his own happiness is ridiculous. With that out of the way I have to say that with a child who is eight years old I would think that you and your fiance have been together for possibly a decade or more. In this time it is possible your fiance has got comfortable in your relationship and is possibly taking you for granted and is looking for ways to refresh his feelings while with and around you. This may be the reason he wants his friend around so that the two of them do things together not involving the family so that he can recharge his batteries and come back to you with a fresh mind and renewed energy. Only you would know how plugged in your fiancé is and whether your marriage is stale and needs to be refreshed or not. Do you two plan on getting married or do you want to continue with an informal relationship. I would look deeper into the reasons as to why your fiance would be happy having a third party tagging along on a family vacation. The introspection may just be the proverbial stitch in time. As far as your own feelings on your fiance's friend joining you on the vacation is concerned, I would tell your fiancé that if he is insistent on the friend accompanying the three of you, that you would rather drop out and he can go ahead with his friend. When and if he wants to go on a vacation again then the three of you can plan on going together alone. His friend would have had his turn. Just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Julia321 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Much appreciated all the input everyone:) Looks like my fiancée has had second thoughts all own. When i asked about his friend coming along he said he hasnt heard back from him about it, it was a discussion that wasn't really thought out etc. I am guessing his friend was more excited thinking about Mexico, not putting into consideration with who! I then suggested a weekend away or night out with him, so lets hope that happens and the trip plans continue to fade away. Just a guy, you have brought up some really good points. To be very fair, my fiancée rarely spends time with his friend/s...he does work a lot and he always makes time for myself and our daughter when not working. This is probably why he would want his friend to come along..makes sense to him...but not so much me lol. Either way, i will continue to encourage him to make at the very least a night out with his friend, that would make us both happy! As far as our relationship goes, the beginning of our relationship was pretty rough when i got pregnant and we broke up when she was 2 years of age. We got back together 2 years ago, both in much better places. If he needs some time with his friends, then i am all for it ! Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Much appreciated all the input everyone:) Looks like my fiancée has had second thoughts all own. When i asked about his friend coming along he said he hasnt heard back from him about it, it was a discussion that wasn't really thought out etc. I am guessing his friend was more excited thinking about Mexico, not putting into consideration with who! I then suggested a weekend away or night out with him, so lets hope that happens and the trip plans continue to fade away. Just a guy, you have brought up some really good points. To be very fair, my fiancée rarely spends time with his friend/s...he does work a lot and he always makes time for myself and our daughter when not working. This is probably why he would want his friend to come along..makes sense to him...but not so much me lol. Either way, i will continue to encourage him to make at the very least a night out with his friend, that would make us both happy! As far as our relationship goes, the beginning of our relationship was pretty rough when i got pregnant and we broke up when she was 2 years of age. We got back together 2 years ago, both in much better places. If he needs some time with his friends, then i am all for it ! My question would be how long your fiancé has been friends with him? I ask bc all of my H & I's friends are childhood friends that we've both known longer than each other...my H friends are all not married & they've come every where with us over the years...I don't mind bc I look at them more like family & they do go on their own to go do things. Have you thought maybe the best friend wanted to go maybe to get to know you better? If he's really your fiancé's "best friend" isn't it kind of odd you don't know him that well after years with your fiancé? I know everyone is different, it's jusy all the best friends I know all have close relationships with their bestie's spouses too, so this a little different in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Julia321 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 My question would be how long your fiancé has been friends with him? I ask bc all of my H & I's friends are childhood friends that we've both known longer than each other...my H friends are all not married & they've come every where with us over the years...I don't mind bc I look at them more like family & they do go on their own to go do things. Have you thought maybe the best friend wanted to go maybe to get to know you better? If he's really your fiancé's "best friend" isn't it kind of odd you don't know him that well after years with your fiancé? I know everyone is different, it's jusy all the best friends I know all have close relationships with their bestie's spouses too, so this a little different in my experience. They have been friends since childhood. However, he lived in a different country for most of our relationship, and has only been back home for a couple of years now. These past couple of years we have met up, and yes he is a great guy. They don't get together often most likely due to work hours/shifts etc. But i do hope to encourage my fiancée to spend more time with him, sounds like that is likely the reason tbey wanted to do this vacation.. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 You're hoping the plans fade away? Why don't you just say no? Why don't you voice your opinions and feelings loud and clear? Why are you being so timid about something important to you? Have a voice and speak your truth!! Link to post Share on other sites
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