Complicated...

[xtali]

Quite a long post because its complicated and i wrote for my blog, but i'd like your thoughts.

 

The Beginning*

I was online on a dating site when this guy approached me thought he's not my type, anyway i still had a chat with him, then the next day he tried to continue our conversation and i ignored him, i just thought he's not my type, 2 or 3 months went by i started seeing someone else (wasn't serious was just a fling), didn't bother use the site and then i thought i'd delete myself, i went in and i saw that the guy that wasn't my type was still trying to communicate with me all that time. I thought maybe i should just give him my number see what its like to date him, so i went ahead sent my number then deleted the app, thinking he might not even get that message because i'd deleted the app, but it didn't matter to me anyway.

 

5 min later i get a call and it's that guy, asking me to meet him later on if i didn't have plans. I don't know why but i just said yes, well he lived near by and asked to meet in the town centre then we would go to one of the pubs or bars in the area.

 

We got into the bar and he was very sweet we got a drink together, he was mesmerised by me, but i wasn't so interested in him, he was stuttering and sweating, very nervous. We talked he asked about everything... why we were single, if we children (i do 2 teens and he has a young son) he's foreign from another country, so we talked about that oh just everything, he wanted know everything about me, he told me how wonderful i was and how nice it was to be with me. It was a lovely time i said i had to go, he wanted me to stay but really i thought i won't be seeing him again, so i better not.

 

So met again, another nice time, i was warming to him, wasn't my usual type, he's a really sweet guy who wants to start a relationship and he has suffered a lot and he al he'd like to be in a relationship where that kind of suffering for both of us never happened again. That meant something to me, with all the heartbreak i'd been through, it touched my soul.

 

Fast forward after a couple more dates, i invite him to my home, we don't sleep with together, We watch a film, kiss cuddle, i started to be attracted to him sexually now too, so it was quite heated but no sex. He was wonderful, really so sweet opening up to me about everything, even showing me photo's from the past, and just generally a really good feeling came over me about him.

 

Soon after that we saw each other again, we met we had slept together.. it was the best I've had, and he was just as sweet to me the coming days after. I had a rule where i hardly ever contacted him, i left him to contact me first, he was doing all the right things, we talked about the future, he even said it would be nice to have child together someday, live together and all that comes with it.He was anxious to know what my daughters and my family would think of him and talked about his family too and came with gifts for my birthday. sounds great, right?

 

I realised we'd actually stopped going out together, we were always inside at mine or at his.. another thing to note, i had been to his a few times, but even though he lived with his brother and sister in law, i'd never seen them they never said hi, it was usually late around 9 or 10 the time we could get after work and they were in a different room, but still hadn't he told them about me? Has he told them about it me and they are just rude? are they shy? I don't know but i found it odd after all my daughters had seen him once, I introduced as just a friend for the time being.

 

The Middle*

He told me he was going to his country for a couple of weeks and naturally i thought i'll miss him, he usually messages every day and said he'd stay in contact and he'd miss me too.

A couple of days before he went he messaged and said he was looking forward to it, i told he'd have the best time being able to see his son again. his son has lived with him and his mother after he and his ex split, i don't know why i suppose his ex was just not such a good mother. He told me how he had rights to his son and in the future our plans would include him coming to live with him, here in my country.

 

I was happy to go along with that, by now i considered myself in a relationship with him... Now the next day the day he's leaving i'm waiting for a call or text to say goodbye and nothing. I thought, why hasn't he checked in with me and said bye, it concerned me but also i thought when he setting out to travel maybe he doesn't bother with all of that. A couple of days later he messages to say he's having a good time with his son and his mother, i say great send over some photo's, he sends me some of him and his son at the park, really sweet.

 

We communicated maybe every other day while he was away.

I have been know to get a little insecure and have trust issues and on Facebook i see a link to a dating site like a pay site ( he doesn't like to pay for those things) probably from a porn site, so i consider he's been watching porn and its one of those spam adds. Now i don't mind him watching porn but i was still interested to know why that post happened. I messaged him and instead of just coming right out and saying it and to preserve my ego i said " Do you think we should date other people?"

Yes, i know what it sounds like..

 

He answered "No i don't want to share you with anybody, I want you to be just for me, why whats wrong... do you want to see another man" I said no it was just the post, and i prefer the way we are, i was just asking. he didn't explain the post though.

 

A few day's later he messaged to say arrived in the country, i replied a couple hours later, he asked me if i still love him. I never told him i love him but i just went along with and said, of course I've missed him and asked him why he asked me that, he said he just missed me alot. I decide later on he maybe was feeling insecure, so i messaged him asking him to come see me, no answer, presumed he was sleeping off the travelling, so that was fine. The next day he told me he was sleeping, he said he misses me and wanted to see me, I said maybe at the weekend, I didn't bother to talk anymore since i was a bit fed up having not seeing him the day before.

The next day he asked if something wrong, he misses me and wants to see me, i replied nothing's wrong but doesn't he have work, so best to probably better to wait for the weekend he didn't answer so i took that as he was a little upset so i agreed to meet the next day.

He came, i was looking better than ever, he even mentioned it and i knew i'd made sure of it, he looked better than ever too, we kissed made love, it was so nice we didn't want to stop holding and kissing each other... he told me about how he was thinking about our future together told me about his time with his son, and he would like me to meet him. He said he loved me and was more open than ever and he's always quite open with me, he said he would see me the weekend.

 

Weekend came i waited for his message the Saturday to say we were going to meet up and nothing, so i just left it. My unwritten rule still stood about not messaging first. I Broke my rule Sunday i messaged him and said i'm not happy with him for it and is he upset with me or something, he said he had to go to work on the the weekend so he didn't have time. I thought well a message to say would have been good.

We talked about it, he said to me i should call and message him sometimes and go to see him more often too and if i felt any problems or upset at anytime to tell him. He also said he would be open to anything i want even living together soon because he wanted this to work but he wasn't so sure about what i wanted. I told him i want the same.

*Right this moment while writing this i know i should have made more effort to say i want to see him, to and call or arrange go to see him, but i never did. and that has upset me a little because this has probably contributed to the problem we have today.*

 

Stay with me , we're approaching the end of this post...

The End*

The very next day i wake and i'm looking on Facebook and i see someone has tagged him in a relationship status ..... is in a relationship with......

Huh, i get hysterical start crying and think about writing something under the post, then i think i'd just embarrass myself doing that. I message him and say, how could you do this, you're in a relationship, answer me now, i'm going to contact that woman. Shortly after he messages back saying. Its a friend from his country, its nothing serious... she has a child at his sons school and a relationship from a distance, how it that possible. I replied.. if she is saying that you must be romantically involved with her, and he had put a kiss under the status so i asked him about that, he said it is not his status it is hers that she tagged him in and he didn't confirm it. He also said he didn't know what what was happening with us, i asked if he was blaming me, he said he wasn't.

 

He said she likes him but she is far away. I asked if he has slept with her, he said no he didn't do anything like that, so i said tell her to take it down, if you want me. He said he will tell her to take it down, she had only seen him 2 times. I asked if she is crazy.

 

By this time i had already messaged the woman in question and asked her if she was in this relationship she said "yes why". meanwhile he was apologising saying its nothing serious, and that it nearly happened more because of his son, his son likes her and he was going to maybe start something because his mom had put pressure on him because this woman often see his son and they like each other and she considers it a good match, he had considered it but he had changed his mind basically and he will tell her to delete it. he asked if i will leave him for this, and went on about how he didn't want to lose me, how he'd do anything to solve it. I said maybe i should get a man of my own since you are in this relationship, and i told him i couldn't believe what was happening, he said he couldn't believe i was jealous over him, and he liked it. i continued to argue with him until he told me to stop. i said do you want her, then he said maybe its better. i couldn't believe what he was saying, but now i'm starting to wonder if he found out i had messaged her by then.

i left some ugly messages on his phone while he was at work and told him i was meeting someone else that evening. later on i messaged him to say i didn't go and i forgive him for the mistake and hope he forgive me for the messages and best wishes for the future, he messaged and said he was stupid and wished me all the best to told me i was kind and i had a good heart. that evening i messaged the woman saying i trusted him and we're happy together, i did it on purpose to make her think we're ok hoping she would hate it and go away. The next day i look on Facebook although i deleted him in anger i can see now that he has confirmed the relationship between him and her. in a panic knowing i'd let him go and she's obviously gotten to him. I told him it will be hard for me and said i had strong feelings for him and asked if he felt something for me to he said he does.

I didn't mention i saw the status. , i asked if he thinks its best i start something new with someone else, I just felt like that would help at the time. he said i can't say that he would want to see me with someone else , he wouldn't want that, he said its my decision. i said we could try again if you still want me, he said its complicated now, his mother doesn't want him to bring his son here because he has just started school she see's that woman as a good match for him as she is over there helping with his son and she has a son too and now if his son doesn't come here he will have to go back, he is going in 8 or 9 months. i said why can't you bring your son here bring him and we will stay together, i will take him on as my own then there would be no problem. he said he admired me for that. but he won't make a promise he can't keep.

i said so there is nothing left for us, he was reluctant, and then he said it better you start something new than be with an idiot like me, and so i thanked him and said take care, he said take care precious.

 

Now i'm here wondering how i could get him back everything apart from this was so good, i thought he was the one because we had discussed the future together and now its destroyed. I'm hoping he comes back and that's a long shot, because of this business where he wants to go back because of the son, i wonder if i'll hear from him again. i'm hoping so, and decided if he contacts me, i will not jump straight back in, he will wait just like at the beginning so i'm using the no contact rule at the moment, I will not resume proper contact until or unless it goes back to the way it was.

But will he or won't he contact me, we'll just have to see. in the time being i have taken up the offer to start dating someone who has liked me for a while. we'll see how that goes too.

 

Sorry if my grammar and punctuation pissed you off, i rushed this because i do't like typing much.

Although typing this out has really helped me understand some things, maybe you should try it if your going through a situation like this. it's really helped me to see things clearer.

Edited October 12, 2016 by xtali

[ChickiePops]

So you never had the relationship conversation..basically you just assumed you were together, but he told you he didn't want YOU seeing other men (though he never said that HE wouldn't see other women). He met someone else, told you he was enjoying your pain...and you want him back??

 

This guy is AWFUL! There was absolutely nothing good or stable about this crazy relationship and you're far, far better off without him.

[Space Ritual]

Wow,

 

Young lady,forget this guy existed and move along. Nothing good is going to happen with this jackwagon.

 

Take it as a teachable experience that when someone seems too good to be true they usually are.

[xtali]

I suppose I'm just hurt, and rejection doesn't feel good..

Maybe that's why I'm just hoping he comes back. I feel like I want him back, bit at the same time.. I feel like my ego is bruised. I got hurt around this time last year as well. I'm so fed up of being good and honest and getting nothing back in return. I just want something to work out for once Also I don't wanna see them succeed. It hurts

Edited October 12, 2016 by xtali

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this man is a huge liar and manipulator. The other woman is his real girlfriend, and you're the one he's cheating with.

 

That would also explain why you've never met the family members he lives with. They probably know or at least know of his girlfriend so he couldn't very well explain to them who you are.

 

This is a very toxic and dysfunctional situation for you. Probably much of what he's told you isn't true. These are men you should run away from, not bend over backwards and make huge promises (ie taking in his child..girl, no) to try to keep. He's a player and a jerk.

[stillafool]

I suppose I'm just hurt, and rejection doesn't feel good..

Maybe that's why I'm just hoping he comes back. I feel like I want him back, bit at the same time.. I feel like my ego is bruised. I got hurt around this time last year as well. I'm so fed up of being good and honest and getting nothing back in return. I just want something to work out for once. Also I don't wanna see them succeed. It hurts

 

Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life. We all get rejected at some point and our egos get bruised. Move on to someone who actually cares about you.

Edited October 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix extraneous characters in quote and approve post

[babylonsfire]

you deserve better than this though, so please, move on

[smackie9]

It's OK OP, you had no control over what happened, and it's pretty normal to have such mixed emotions. You are grieving what you thought was a relationship, one that you always wanted only to find out it wasn't...like the rug was ripped out from under you. You can't help the way you feel. The best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from him, this whole thing and let your heart heal.

 

I totally get it...we want what we want so bad, we loose sight of what is really happening. You will be OK.....just stay way from him, be strong.

[xtali]

Thanks, im gonna try my best to move on from it.. I just don't understand how he could do it, i gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me if there was anyone else. And i considered him a good friend as well as the rest, we really got along well.