Newlyweds Sexless Marriage

[Stedml]

I'm a 28 year old male. Recently married, just shy of a year. But we have been together since we were 20. We have always been in love I like to think we are an attractive couple although myself and my friends feel that my wife is absolutely stunning and could do better (kind of a running joke we've had). We have never been super sexually active but always had a fair amount that I felt kept us both happy. I know that I'm not an ******* in fact I am a really good guy. I work really hard to support both of us and pay all the bills. I work really hard to stay in good shape so I can look good for her. I'm always getting her flowers, taking her out and telling how beautiful she is. I have made a conscience effort to not let our romance die

 

For the first couple years it was a couple times a week and then maybe twice a month then maybe once a month. And now since we got married it's every couple months. We have also recently started having some problems since she got a traveling job that had her traveling Europe throughout the summer for several months. We fought more than we did our entire relationship. Largely stemming from her basically talking about how she's never been happier out there and not acting like she missed me at all. I told her repeatedly I just was looking for some validation that I was still a priority in her life, and this was generally met with hostility. Until things would start to come to a head and she would come down. But never really apologize.

 

Her trips are now over and things seem to be getting better. We have had a couple productive talks. She still tells me she loves me and wants to be with me and things seem to be moving forward but it's been months since we've had anything close to sex. I can't even make out with her. Her kisses are pecks, her hugs feel distance and the smallest amount of affection seems forced. It haunts me every day and if I bring it up. It turns into a fight usually ending with her telling me to jerk off in the shower if I need to.

 

I have been trying to do everything I've read on. Not pushing the issue, doing things to make her feel beautiful. Doing all the chores. Doing anything to alleviate stress. Most of this is stuff that I have always done. I'm just trying to step it up. Haha maybe I set too high of a bar in the beginning. Her excuses are about 30% too tired and 70% she doesn't feel pretty (again she's stunning and looks better every day).

 

im trying to lay everything out as I'm sure there are many factors that could be effecting this. She recently discovered she has some issues (95% sure it's endometriosis and her doctors have told her the likelihood of her having kids goes down every year). Before she left for work her plans were to work for the summer, then when she comes back we would start trying to have kids. After many fights she finally told me she no longer knows if she wants kids. I am fine with this as I honestly love her and whatever life we carve out for ourselves I'd be happy with. I like the idea of having kids and think we would be good parents but I have several friends and family without kids and are free and get to have a lot of fun. I'm not opposed to this. I do understand how this could effect her though.

 

I guess since I've laid most things out I'm trying to figure out what I can do and what is going on him her head. She does not open up to me and I don't think she's honest with me when we talk seriously, because many times her actions don't match her words

 

Did she realize I'm not the life she wanted now?

 

Is she basically just using me to have a place to stay in between her travels? (She supported her friend that basically did this to a guy when I said it wasn't fair to the guy) I basically feel like a roommate without the financial help.

 

Does she really just not few attractive? What can I do to help her ?

She doesn't work out or eat right but always looks great whereas I work out a lot and eat great to look decent so I know how much better you feel when you work out and eat right. But she basically refuses to do this.

 

If everything is normal and things won't change, am I ok with being in basically a sexless marriage? I love her to death and would work through anything with her but can I accept just not having sex or very rarely. I feel like I'm not being fair to myself and I'm almost 30 so I don't feel like my sexual prime is coming up and I'm probably in it right now.

 

I would never cheat on her and I don't want her to throw me pity sex. I want her to want to have sex with me like she used to. The few times we have had sex she seems to enjoy as much as ever.

 

I have been scouring these forumns for a while now and decided to post my own because nobody has the same situation.

 

I know that nobody has an answer or can make decisions for me, I guess I am just looking for some advice or guidance because I feel absolutely lost and don't know how to handle it.

 

Side note - I honestly don't feel that she is cheating on me. I obviously can't say for sure but I don't really get those feelings or signs and would be completely blindsided if that's what it was.

[MJJean]

The difference between a friendship and marriage is sex. You have a lovely roommate.

 

Have you actually told her flat out how much of a problem a loveless and sexless marriage are for you?

Edited October 12, 2016 by MJJean

[Stedml]

Yes we have talked about it with her but it turns into a fight Even when I start off with I don't want to fight about this. And seems to end with her basically saying it's not happening and she doesn't care to make me happy and then literally saying well just go jerk off. We fought about it a lot and nothing happened and then we got into a fight about it the day she was about to leave for a 4 week work trip. And then we had sex which seemed great but I just kinda had the feeling it was a "ok I'll have sex with him so he doesn't cheat on me while I'm gone" kinda thing.

 

Things are great and we don't argue, but I'm at the point where it takes me 3 days to try and make a move and then when I get rejected I feel like **** and I feel like I'm constantly trying to date my wife. Like it literally hurts my manhood.

[Birdies]

Yes we have talked about it with her but it turns into a fight Even when I start off with I don't want to fight about this. And seems to end with her basically saying it's not happening and she doesn't care to make me happy and then literally saying well just go jerk off. We fought about it a lot and nothing happened and then we got into a fight about it the day she was about to leave for a 4 week work trip. And then we had sex which seemed great but I just kinda had the feeling it was a "ok I'll have sex with him so he doesn't cheat on me while I'm gone" kinda thing.

 

Things are great and we don't argue, but I'm at the point where it takes me 3 days to try and make a move and then when I get rejected I feel like **** and I feel like I'm constantly trying to date my wife. Like it literally hurts my manhood.

 

Ooof. I would insist on marriage counseling - it can really help you two talk through issues that need discussing but that always just end in a fight when you try to talk through it yourselves. You need to get to the bottom of why she so clearly does not want to be intimate with you, whether it's a reflection of the fact that she doesn't love you anymore, or something is off with her hormones, or she loves you but isn't attracted to you, or she's having an affair, or whatever.

[getsmartie]

I don't see this as having a happy ending. Based on what you wrote, she's checked out of the relationship.

 

This is not a marriage. Her actions are obvious, she doesnt care about your needs or feelings. Don't sell yourself short.

[VeveCakes]

Yes we have talked about it with her but it turns into a fight Even when I start off with I don't want to fight about this. And seems to end with her basically saying it's not happening and she doesn't care to make me happy and then literally saying well just go jerk off. We fought about it a lot and nothing happened and then we got into a fight about it the day she was about to leave for a 4 week work trip. And then we had sex which seemed great but I just kinda had the feeling it was a "ok I'll have sex with him so he doesn't cheat on me while I'm gone" kinda thing.

 

Things are great and we don't argue, but I'm at the point where it takes me 3 days to try and make a move and then when I get rejected I feel like **** and I feel like I'm constantly trying to date my wife. Like it literally hurts my manhood.

 

I'm so sorry....

 

If she doesn't care to make an effort...nothing will or can change. I didn't want to sleep with my husband either, but he treated me like **** and did nothing around the house. Even then I really wished I wanted to...I tried everything but alas you can not change a ****ty personality.

 

She doesn't value you or care about your happiness. I'm sorry.

 

Why doesn't she work?

[Stedml]

Ya I think your right. I think I kinda knew that but it helps to hear it from an objective view. I've mentioned it before and she didn't show any enthusiasm about it (which is odd because she went to school for counseling) but I have not pushed it. If we can't have a productive conversation then we need to get help communicating. I think my biggest fear is she is just using me to support her and is doing anything she can to avoid that coming to a head.

[pteromom]

We have never been super sexually active but always had a fair amount that I felt kept us both happy. For the first couple years it was a couple times a week and then maybe twice a month then maybe once a month. And now since we got married it's every couple months.

 

It is very typical for the quantity of sex to go down in a relationship. So if a couple times a week was enough for her in the beginning, it makes sense that once a month or less is fine with her now. So it COULD just be that she has a really low sex drive.

 

Still - she should be willing to do something for you to compromise. BJ/HJ/holding her while you masturbate/whatever.

 

I know that I'm not an ******* in fact I am a really good guy. I work really hard to support both of us and pay all the bills. I work really hard to stay in good shape so I can look good for her. I'm always getting her flowers, taking her out and telling how beautiful she is. I have made a conscience effort to not let our romance die

 

What is HER love language though? You may be a great guy making an effort to keep romance alive according to YOUR definition, but maybe HER needs aren't being met. And I am not talking about sexual needs. Most women need to feel connection before they want sex. And if you are trying hard, but not connecting, your effort is in vain.

 

We have also recently started having some problems since she got a traveling job that had her traveling Europe throughout the summer for several months. ... I told her repeatedly I just was looking for some validation that I was still a priority in her life, and this was generally met with hostility. Until things would start to come to a head and she would come down. But never really apologize.

 

It's hard to read this, only getting your side of things. But is it possible that your reaction came across as insecure, needy, or controlling? Is it possible that you need so much from her, that her traveling felt like freedom and room to breathe? Just some things to consider.

 

She still tells me she loves me and wants to be with me and things seem to be moving forward but it's been months since we've had anything close to sex. I can't even make out with her. Her kisses are pecks, her hugs feel distance and the smallest amount of affection seems forced. It haunts me every day and if I bring it up. It turns into a fight usually ending with her telling me to jerk off in the shower if I need to.

 

Hmmm... so let's take her at her word and assume that she does love you. Her kisses are pecks. Which tells me that she is trying to AVOID sex/romance. The question is WHY...

 

It could be that she has a very low sex drive, and just doesn't want sex to happen.

 

It could be that the way you ask for sex or things that happen during sex are very distasteful to her.

 

It could be that the endometriosis causes her a lot of pain and discomfort.

 

It could be that her insecurity about her looks is much deeper than you know, and she has some crippling insecurities.

 

I don't know. But consider what you may have done to contribute to this pattern in your relationship. Maybe there are some things you can do to create new patterns and disrupt old ones.

 

I would never cheat on her and I don't want her to throw me pity sex. I want her to want to have sex with me like she used to. The few times we have had sex she seems to enjoy as much as ever.

 

There's PITY sex, and then there's compromise. If she does have a low sex drive, it is unreasonable for you to expect her to share your level of drive. You may have to let go of your expectation and allow her to have sex as an expression of LOVE toward you even when she isn't feeling the desire.

 

I know that nobody has an answer or can make decisions for me, I guess I am just looking for some advice or guidance because I feel absolutely lost and don't know how to handle it.

 

You have to keep talking to her. Talk with the goal of listening and learning! You said you feel she hasn't been open with you about her issues. Until she does that, you are just guessing. You have to work with her to get to the bottom of it. Let her know your doubts and fears, and tell her you just want answers so you can quit worrying and guessing what is going on with her.

 

If she won't give answers, I think counseling is in order.

[Stedml]

I'm so sorry....

 

If she doesn't care to make an effort...nothing will or can change. I didn't want to sleep with my husband either, but he treated me like **** and did nothing around the house. Even then I really wished I wanted to...I tried everything but alas you can not change a ****ty personality.

 

She doesn't value you or care about your happiness. I'm sorry.

 

Why doesn't she work?

 

She doesn't work because it was causing her a lot of stress and she was unhappy. I was making a ton of money at the time so I told her to quit her job and concentrate on finishing her masters, then she dropped out and took a job as a tour guide traveling through Europe. She makes ok money but not enough to help me really so I've never asked for help. She's done a bunch of traveling before and I've never had an issue but she always acted like she missed me. This is the first time she would just flat out ignore me for days and then when I did talk to her she would talk about how she's so happy out theee and doesn't wanna come home.

 

We've talked about all this and it always comes dow. To how I ruin her time out there and she's not allowed to be happy. I don't feel like I'm rooting my own horn when I say I'm a great guy and do a lot for her and I guess it's just all coming to a head for me and I'm not without fault or flaws that's for sure

[Stedml]

It is very typical for the quantity of sex to go down in a relationship. So if a couple times a week was enough for her in the beginning, it makes sense that once a month or less is fine with her now. So it COULD just be that she has a really low sex drive.

 

Still - she should be willing to do something for you to compromise. BJ/HJ/holding her while you masturbate/whatever.

 

 

 

What is HER love language though? You may be a great guy making an effort to keep romance alive according to YOUR definition, but maybe HER needs aren't being met. And I am not talking about sexual needs. Most women need to feel connection before they want sex. And if you are trying hard, but not connecting, your effort is in vain.

 

 

 

It's hard to read this, only getting your side of things. But is it possible that your reaction came across as insecure, needy, or controlling? Is it possible that you need so much from her, that her traveling felt like freedom and room to breathe? Just some things to consider.

 

 

 

Hmmm... so let's take her at her word and assume that she does love you. Her kisses are pecks. Which tells me that she is trying to AVOID sex/romance. The question is WHY...

 

It could be that she has a very low sex drive, and just doesn't want sex to happen.

 

It could be that the way you ask for sex or things that happen during sex are very distasteful to her.

 

It could be that the endometriosis causes her a lot of pain and discomfort.

 

It could be that her insecurity about her looks is much deeper than you know, and she has some crippling insecurities.

 

I don't know. But consider what you may have done to contribute to this pattern in your relationship. Maybe there are some things you can do to create new patterns and disrupt old ones.

 

 

 

There's PITY sex, and then there's compromise. If she does have a low sex drive, it is unreasonable for you to expect her to share your level of drive. You may have to let go of your expectation and allow her to have sex as an expression of LOVE toward you even when she isn't feeling the desire.

 

 

 

You have to keep talking to her. Talk with the goal of listening and learning! You said you feel she hasn't been open with you about her issues. Until she does that, you are just guessing. You have to work with her to get to the bottom of it. Let her know your doubts and fears, and tell her you just want answers so you can quit worrying and guessing what is going on with her.

 

If she won't give answers, I think counseling is in order.

 

I think you are correct on a lot of things and I try to talk to her and keep my calm but we just never get into a reasonable conversation it always ends with either it being turned around on me or her saying she's been ****ty I deserve better and to go find it. And that's not what I'm looking for I'm looking dfor an adult conversation on what she needs to make things better but we can't get there. I think counseling is probably the next step if she's up for it

 

And I have addressed some of these issues with her like the endometriosis and have stopped doing certain things in sex that causes her discomfort ( this was back when we had sex more regularly) and I've only gotten a BJ or Hj 10-15 times the entire time we've been together so that's not a compromise more of a treat I guess.

 

And your certainly correct I know I have an issue with letting things that bug me go because it's not worth the argument. She's the one that pointed this out to me and I've tried to work on it. But I just hate fighting with her and am willing to accept the blame if it will save from hurting her feelings. And I know that's not the right way to go about it

[stillafool]

I'm sorry for you but it doesn't seem like she is sexually attracted to you. She has a ton of excuses why she can't have sex and you have been more than patient at your age. Maybe she did think you were a great catch as a husband but didn't realize that marriage involves sex (and a lot of it). My goodness, what would happen if you two had a baby, that would be the end of your sex life. (with her).

[BaileyB]

That sounds really awful. I'm sorry that you are not getting the love and affection you want from your wife.

 

It certainly sounds like you have tried very hard, but something is going on with her that has caused her to check out of the relationship. The fact that she has also checked out of her work life because of stress, changed her mind about children... She's not in a good place right now. You definitely need individual (for her) and marriage counselling... Unless something changes for her, I would say that you are very incompatible with the things you want from life and I cant imagine that the marriage will bring you great joy/happiness. I'm sorry.

[VeveCakes]

It is very typical for the quantity of sex to go down in a relationship. So if a couple times a week was enough for her in the beginning, it makes sense that once a month or less is fine with her now. So it COULD just be that she has a really low sex drive.

 

Still - she should be willing to do something for you to compromise. BJ/HJ/holding her while you masturbate/whatever.

 

 

 

What is HER love language though? You may be a great guy making an effort to keep romance alive according to YOUR definition, but maybe HER needs aren't being met. And I am not talking about sexual needs. Most women need to feel connection before they want sex. And if you are trying hard, but not connecting, your effort is in vain.

 

 

 

It's hard to read this, only getting your side of things. But is it possible that your reaction came across as insecure, needy, or controlling? Is it possible that you need so much from her, that her traveling felt like freedom and room to breathe? Just some things to consider.

 

 

 

Hmmm... so let's take her at her word and assume that she does love you. Her kisses are pecks. Which tells me that she is trying to AVOID sex/romance. The question is WHY...

 

It could be that she has a very low sex drive, and just doesn't want sex to happen.

 

It could be that the way you ask for sex or things that happen during sex are very distasteful to her.

 

It could be that the endometriosis causes her a lot of pain and discomfort.

 

It could be that her insecurity about her looks is much deeper than you know, and she has some crippling insecurities.

 

I don't know. But consider what you may have done to contribute to this pattern in your relationship. Maybe there are some things you can do to create new patterns and disrupt old ones.

 

 

 

There's PITY sex, and then there's compromise. If she does have a low sex drive, it is unreasonable for you to expect her to share your level of drive. You may have to let go of your expectation and allow her to have sex as an expression of LOVE toward you even when she isn't feeling the desire.

 

 

 

You have to keep talking to her. Talk with the goal of listening and learning! You said you feel she hasn't been open with you about her issues. Until she does that, you are just guessing. You have to work with her to get to the bottom of it. Let her know your doubts and fears, and tell her you just want answers so you can quit worrying and guessing what is going on with her.

 

If she won't give answers, I think counseling is in order.

 

She won't do counselling the OP said, and for someone who went to school for it she damn well knows the value.

 

Endometriosis is painful during periods but shouldn't cause a lot of pain in sex...

 

If she doesn't want to fix things then there is no hope.

 

You honestly sound perfect and I think you should just come date me instead

[pteromom]

I think you are correct on a lot of things and I try to talk to her and keep my calm but we just never get into a reasonable conversation it always ends with either it being turned around on me or her saying she's been ****ty I deserve better and to go find it. And that's not what I'm looking for I'm looking dfor an adult conversation on what she needs to make things better but we can't get there. I think counseling is probably the next step if she's up for it

 

 

Yep, sounds like you need a mediator to help keep communication on track.

 

One thing you can do is when she turns it around on you, admit your flaws or just acknowledge her feelings, and turn it back toward the ISSUE. Not HER, the issue. Without blame or it being anyone's fault. Turning it back to you is just a deflection tool, so you can't let that send you off into the weeds. Acknowledge her accusation and then gently continue the conversation. Same with if she says you deserve better. Just say "this isn't about me deserving something. We just need to work together so we understand each other and can fix this disconnection."

[pteromom]

She won't do counselling the OP said, and for someone who went to school for it she damn well knows the value.

 

I missed that. He should sign up for counseling anyway then. Tell her that he wants her to join him, but he'll be going alone if she doesn't.

 

Endometriosis is painful during periods but shouldn't cause a lot of pain in sex...

 

Not necessarily. Depends on where the tissue is growing.

 

If she doesn't want to fix things then there is no hope.

 

I'm not yet convinced that she doesn't want to fix things. She could just be AFRAID of the confrontation, the discussion, or even the solution. She sounds very avoidant, and there is likely a reason for that. Only she knows that reason.

[Stedml]

I missed that. He should sign up for counseling anyway then. Tell her that he wants her to join him, but he'll be going alone if she doesn't.

 

 

 

Not necessarily. Depends on where the tissue is growing.

 

 

 

I'm not yet convinced that she doesn't want to fix things. She could just be AFRAID of the confrontation, the discussion, or even the solution. She sounds very avoidant, and there is likely a reason for that. Only she knows that reason.

 

 

There are certain things that are painful for her and we talked about it when she first confronted the endometriosis and stopped doing those things but tcertain positions are fine for her.

 

I started going to therapy a couple months ago on my own to work on my own issues. There are somethings we work on and my therapist asked me to bring my wife in. When I asked my wife she said she wouldn't go to someone that I was already talking to. So I offered for us to start with someone new and she brushed it off. So I have brought it up but have not pushed it.

[getsmartie]

 

I started going to therapy a couple months ago on my own to work on my own issues. There are somethings we work on and my therapist asked me to bring my wife in. When I asked my wife she said she wouldn't go to someone that I was already talking to. So I offered for us to start with someone new and she brushed it off. So I have brought it up but have not pushed it.

 

I think you already know that she doesn't want to try. It takes two people to fix a relationship and she just doesn't want to try. Why? Because she's checked out!

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't see this as having a happy ending.

 

Pun intended ???

 

For the first couple years it was a couple times a week and then maybe twice a month then maybe once a month.

 

Why would a red-blooded healthy 28-yr old male marry someone he was having "once a month" sex with?

 

myself and my friends feel that my wife is absolutely stunning and could do better (kind of a running joke we've had).

 

I think you're finding out there's two kinds of beauty. One attracts you initially, the other contributes to your long-term happiness.

 

I'd certainly make the suggested efforts - counseling, etc. - to fix this, not much to lose at this point. But think long and hard about the rest of your life and those qualities in a partner that are important to you.

 

"Go jerk off in the shower" doesn't imply much room for compromise ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stedml]

Pun intended ???

 

 

 

Why would a red-blooded healthy 28-yr old male marry someone he was having "once a month" sex with?

 

 

 

I think you're finding out there's two kinds of beauty. One attracts you initially, the other contributes to your long-term happiness.

 

I'd certainly make the suggested efforts - counseling, etc. - to fix this, not much to lose at this point. But think long and hard about the rest of your life and those qualities in a partner that are important to you.

 

"Go jerk off in the shower" doesn't imply much room for compromise ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I think your right. I love her a lot and until now it was always something I dealt with and thought we'd be able to get through and things would get better. I still don't quite think we have exhausted all options but I guess I'm finding out if she is willing to put forth the effort that I am.

 

I was always ok with taking on all the stresses of everything and bare all the burdens just knowing that she loved me and was always there for me. But now that I don't even have that I guess a lot of things have come to light in my eyes and trying to figure out what I/we can do

[BaileyB]

This sounds like my current boyfriends first marriage. Things were great, until she couldn't deal with the stress anymore and quit working, started drinking, the sex stopped... He says that he tried for years to bear the burden of the relationship until he couldn't anymore...

 

He now says he should have left the marriage sooner. He tells me everyday how amazed he is that we have a "partnership" and how happy he is because he never had that in his marriage.

 

I agree with Mr Lucky - it doesn't sound like there is much room for compromise with your wife. And, you are much too young to spend your life in a marriage that is not a partnership where you carry the weight while getting very little in return.

[SammySammy]

Arguing about it doesn't help. It only reinforces her position and brings negativity into your sex life.

 

You have to find a way to take the pressure off. Take the stress and negativity out of your sex life. Because it's true some people can't do it if they are not feeling right about it.

 

Not stressing it so much might help. Maybe showing her she's desired and appreciated without a confrontation would help.

 

This is not a new problem in your relationship. From what you've said, sex has been decreasing for six years though you've only been married one. Whatever is causing her lack of desire has been around for a while. Maybe you can find out what that is, but butting heads over it does not help. Counseling won't help if it has an accusatory or blaming feel.

 

The sexual environment in a relationship has to be positive and reaffirming or it's not going to work long-term.

[oldshirt]

This is a critical situation that you need to take very seriously and regardless of cause, you will need to stand up and be strong to preserve your own sanity and dignity.

 

You've been together since you were young, you've both grown and changed a lot since the beginning. Your relationship may have just ran it's course and reached it's expiration date.

 

She has obviously lost her attraction and desire for you. Assuming you are not abusive, addicted to drugs/alcohol, haven't cheated on her or completely let yourself go and have put on 50lbs and stopped taking showers and using deordorant, it likely means you've either become very passive and lost a lot of your masculine initiative - or she has become attracted to or involved with someone else.

 

A 28 year old woman with no kids and with a healthy, supportive husband who outright refuses to have sex with her supportive husband and tells him to masturbate, 9 times out of 10 means there is someone else in the picture.

 

The other 1/10 is you have become too passive and feminized and she has lost respect as a man for you and when women lose respect, they lose attraction.

 

She may see you more as a roommate and provider than as a virile man and lover.

 

When men don't protray enough of the "alpha" traits and are in mostly a supportive and provider role, they can appear almost 'parental' and women don't typically desire sex with their fathers.

 

Even if a guy doesn't come across as paternal, if he acts more like a female roommate (ie whining for attention and consideration) that too will kill desire as women also don't typically desire their female roommates.

 

Cont.....

[oldshirt]

So there are a couple things you need to look into here.

 

The first is hack into her phone, computers, emails, social media etc etc on the down low and look for any signs of another man.

 

Put a voice activated recorder in her car and anywhere else she may be having secret conversations (cheaters typically talk in the car)

 

Put some kind of GPS tracking device in her car or on her phone.

 

DO NOT JUST ASK HER IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!!! She will simply say no and then go under ground. You must put in the sincere effort to actually find out out if her affections are going elsewhere.

 

If she is seeing someone else, nothing else you do or say will have any affect whatsoever.

[oldshirt]

If you exhaust all your investigative forces and that turns up nothing, then you need to take a serious look at yourself and your marriage.

 

Have you let yourself go?

 

Are you a drunk?

 

Are you mean or nasty to her?

 

Are you lazy and play video games all day?

 

Do you eat your boogers etc?

 

Are you a whiny effeminate little b1^(h?

 

If any of those is yes, then you need to work on yourself but you also need to make her instants the stakes.

 

You may have to blow something up to get her to wake up and take it seriously.

You may have to separate and begin divorce proceedings before she sees the light.

 

The catch is it can't be a bluff. You have to be at your wits end and ready to call it a day before you pull out the nuclear option.

 

And you need to be prepared for her accepting the option of divorce.

 

She sounds very checked out and disconnected already. She may already be ok with the final cut.

 

Or she may just be sticking around because she has a place to stay and her bills are being paid.

 

And at this point she doesn't even have to put out.

 

She has a better life than hooker at this point and you have a worse like than a john. A john at least gets laid and blown for his money.

 

Your going to have to stand up and expect a full marriage with all if it's benefits, or no marriage at all and your gravy train will no longer be provided.

[Bufo]

Your problem extends beyond your bedroom. The lack of sex is a symptom of the larger problem. If I read a posting of yours correctly she told you she isn't happy unless she is thousands of miles away being a tour guide. Others have noted she is checked out of the marriage and isn't showing signs of wanting to try to check back in.

 

Her refusal to engage in counseling means she isn't willing to try to work things out. Why should she? All the bills are paid by you, the housework is done by you, and you supply her off season room and board.

 

Is she even considering treatment for endometriosis? Right now it provides her with a perfect excuse for a sexless marriage. Maybe she is an asexual or maybe not. She certainly has opportunity to stray if she wants to being gone in hotels

with relative strangers months a year. But that doesn't seem to be a concern of yours now.

 

This isn't going to get better if all you do is fight about it. You don't want to become the household eunuch.

 

No kids? No financial pressures like big mortgage? You are less than 30?

It could be time to consider a major lifestyle change.

 

What exactly is the benefit of remaining married other than the amorphous "but I love her"? She is not the only woman in the world.