How to get over underlying resentment and hate?

[c.jude]

Hello, not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I could really use some words of advice. I'm 20 now, my ex is 25...here is my story:

 

I can't seem to forgive my ex... I fell pregnant early 2015. He told me to get an abortion, I said no, it wasn't for me and it was not something I wanted to do. He started getting me, ranted and raved... Told everyone I trapped him so he would commit. Not true at all. Then, after the baby got too far along for an abortion, he started pressing for adoption.* I told him: "I will never press you for child support if you really don't want the baby because I either want you here 100% for the baby or not at all. I don't want you to be in and put and break her heart." I believed that since I had the choice to keep the baby or not, he should have the choice to walk away or not... He refused and said if he did that, people would think poorly of him.

 

He wanted me to not have the baby if he didn't have her... I refused adoption since I was adopted when I was a child and it was a sticky subject with me... I would regret the decision. I had OBGYN bills piling up and asked him for help... Maybe he can come and we can go 50/50 on them?

 

He told me: "No, you decided to keep the baby, it's your problem."* then he pressed me to jut stop going for OBGYN check ups... I ended up working 50+ hours at my full time job to help with the bills and to stay afloat and looking for a second job. I was looking into government aid housing since I just could not afford housing and a baby. He didn't care even though he had an apartment I could stay in. He "wasn't ready"* and again, "I chose incorrectly, so it was my fault I was struggling financially".*

 

My parents finally told me I could move back home and they would help me watch the baby while I worked. I moved back home and that was the plan. My ex then lied and threatened me with a lawyer, telling me he went to one and they want proof of birth control...

 

I told him: Okay, I will lawyer up and you can subpoena that information. " That scared him and he eventually told me he lied about it just to stress me out and scare me into late term abortion or adoption.

 

When I was near my third trimester, I went in for an ultrasound and unfortunately, they told me that I had no cervix and I was fully dilated... I was to have the baby anytime and prematurely. Sure enough, that night, I gave birth to my baby girl. She lived and fought through her stay in the NICU for a few hours, but her lungs were just too small. I invited my ex in and he showed up after she passed away.

 

That was the only time he showed any compassion towards the baby. He would tell me all the time he didn't want to talk about the baby and it was a banned topic near him. After she passed, my family helped out and we had a nice funeral service. I went to support groups and realized that it wasn't my fault... I was blaming myself for my daughter's death because I failed the one thing a mother is supposed to do: carry and protect her children. It killed me... My ex started a whole crapstorm saying how the baby was, "His little girl,"* "His reason for getting up and working"* etc... That infuriated me. First of all, you didn't even want to address the baby as yours! You wanted to baby gone! Now all off a sudden, it's all about you??

 

I broke up with him after I started to come to terms with everything.

 

Now it is a year later. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me. He takes care of me, he is excited about this baby... He is getting a second job since the doctor pulled me out of work since I am high risk. He wants me to have the least amount of stress since this baby was due around my daughter. He is a wonderful man. He went with me to a nice ceremony for my daughter's first birthday and was very supportive.

 

When my daughter's birthday came, my ex contacted me wanting to meet up by a tree I planted for her... I refuted the offer. I said, "You can go to her tree on your own time, though I do not wish to go when you are there."* and left it at that. Since we then have mutual friends, he then told all of them how I am a horrible mother, I'm keeping him from grieving him from his daughter and how selfish I am. I know he used her as a sympathy card to play for attention and it infuriates me and makes me sick.

 

He got a tattoo of her footprints and shows it off to people and girls at bars to get them to come home with him. It sickens me that he uses *my* daughter for that purpose... Whenever I think of him, it ruins my mood... It just rains on my whole attitude. I don't want or have any desire to get back together with him, I'm just angry. Very angry and I can't seem to get over this anger. I have always been a happy go lucky person, forgave, and forgot. However, I just can't with him. I have NICU, funeral, and hospital bills that had to go to collections.

 

I asked him if he could help, and he said no. I guess still my decision to keep her, my problem? Next thing I see is him online with new $60 games. He literally told me he doesn't care.* It's my credit on the line, not his... Yet, he still claims her and uses her for sympathy. That makes me sick and filled with* so much anger. He gets off Scott free.* He has an 800 credit score, no [] worries, no remorse... Maybe I just want him to pay.* I do not like him referring her to "his daughter"* for sympathy since he has done nothing but caused us pain and stress! How do I move on and be at peace with this? I can't get over this resentment. Any thoughts or advice?

 

Edit: Also may add, he also tells everyone I withheld him from his daughter since I didn't call him while I was in labor... I was only allowed one support person in there - Why would I want the least supportive person in there that has threatened me and yelled at me the whole pregnancy? I invited him after she was born. He tells everyone how I had no right to do that and how I am a horrible mother and person.

Edited October 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and language ~6

[Zahara]

You need to block him from having any contact with you. You need to let your friends know not to feed you information and enforce that boundary. You need to stop checking on where he's spending his money. Just stop being a part of what he's doing.

 

YOU are feeding your own resentment by staying in view of what he's doing. There is no need for you to be accessible to his contact. If you want to move past this, you need to be proactive.

 

Start focusing on your pregnancy and your partner and what's ahead of you.

[sac555]

I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's death. Our family experienced a simiiar experience with our DIL's and son's first babies...twins at birth.

It sure does sound like it's a good thing you never married that guy. He is just a nasty person. Maybe you should stay completely away from him now, knowing what he's doing is hard on you and how he isn't helping you with any bills. Your new guy sounds wonderful! Stay focused on him and your upcoming new family! Time will help heal...I'm sure you are still grieving for your daughter as well...stay away from the negative one...

I am praying for you as you move forward...praying God's peace to cover you.

[basil67]

My heart breaks for you. And I suspect it's going to be years before you can release your hatred for him.

 

You seem to know a lot about what he's doing these days. The things he's saying and doing. Are friends telling you this stuff? If so, you need to insist that they never talk about him to you. I assume you've told your friends about his behaviour when you were pregnant, so if they are good friends, they will understand and respect your wishes.

[pteromom]

Aw, I am so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter.

 

Firstly, it is NOT your fault. Early labor is a thing, and it happens. There is nothing you did to cause it. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. So please don't beat yourself up for that. Your baby would want you to go on and be a great mom in her honor, not to live with shame and guilt.

 

As far as her father? Well, you need to cut him off. As other commenters have said, block him, unfriend him, cut him OFF. He can use his fake feelings to get fake sympathy AWAY FROM YOU.

 

You know the truth. You know what he asked you to do. You know how distant and uncaring he was. He can tell people whatever story he wants to tell, but YOU know the truth. Hold onto that. Don't let his lies tarnish your daughter's story.

 

And him saying you are a horrible mother and person? That's just deflection of his own guilt and shame. It means nothing. Again...you know the truth.

 

Move on. Build a family with this man who is wonderful. Leave this jerk in your past.

[umirano]

This is a gut wrenching story. I'm so sorry and I wish I could do something other than expressing my sympathy with you. It helps me a little bit to see that I actually have no right to complain about my situation. I wish you all the strength and support you can gather. Your ex is a terrible human being and you should keep your distance at all costs. I admire your composure.

 

Good luck