Am I Mentally Ill and Seek Help?

[WhatShldIDo]

Ok, I am going to try to speak about this for the first time. When I was a kid I remember always looking at the down side of things and my rationality to that was that if the positive side happened i would be surprised and happy, but if the negative side happened I wouldn't be let down. So i grew up through out the years and now i am stuck here in this pessamistic hell I call life. I am 25 years old and have had my share of problems, I saw 3 people die right in front of me at 16 in two different car accidents, which 6 months later I tried commiting suicide for the first time. My girl friend at the time must of been my guardian angel... I remember countless times falling asleep in her arms crying like a baby, repeating over and over outloud that all I wanted to do was die. I lived like that for two years and then that caused my first time to the Psych. Ward. Durring those two years I had built up anger and started to punch things like lockers, tree's, car windows... most of the time just hurting myself and breaking my hand. So I started to lift weights and started taking steroids. Ok the roids where a bad idea I know... and I did stop using them but it didn't help my situation any better. I started getting very angry, even after I stopped using steroids. I would have thoughts of killing myself and hurting other people, just at random. Like swearving my car into theirs on the freeway. For no reason what-so-ever, but just because I could. So I harbored these feelings for a while, attempted suicide a few more times, and I started to get scared because I just felt like I was going to snap. So I fell heavily into drugs and joined a gang. While I was in, I was molested by this guy and it messed with me alot. But Then i got even more angry and down on myself because i couldn't stop him. I was too scared and wasn't man enough to knock him out. So I did more drugs to ease this added pain. This went well for a while untill I was arrested for my first 5150 and brought back to Psych. So I did my 72 hours and did what any rational person would do... I joined the military. I went to boot camp and signed up for the Navy "SEAL" Challenge and they sent me to school to learn all about small arm weapons. Well it turns out I am not as tough as I thought I was and dropped out of SEAL trainning but still went to school for weapons. For 3 years all I did was hang around with guys who talked about having the chance to kill someone legally, and get drunk and sleep with lots and lots and lots of girls around the world. Everything was great, these are the happiest in my life... and i almost had the opportunity to pull the trigger, but was told to stand down in the last split of a second. But it was awesome.... so then I met this girl, who happened to be my division officer and that went south faster than the sun setting in Alaska durring the dark season. I started hating the Navy, started drinking heavily, and did random attempts at suicide. I didn't do it for attention either, sometimes I would take a handfull of pills and just go to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up, and when i did wake up I dragged on through the day feeling like crap because I Over Dosed on what ever I could find. See in the Military, you can't have an officer and an enlisted going out with each other... so to coverup her and I relationship I allowed her to see her ex boy friend in which she brought to the officer gatherings, parties, and even met us on out port visits. Needless to say, i didn't like him too much but had to deal with it so her and i could see each other. Sometimes we would be making love and he would be talking on her answering machine. Thats where the drinking problem came into the picture, and thats how we got caught with the military. So I delt with this for a year, broke down and descided after multipule attempts at suicide with insect poison that I needed to step up my efforts and over kill so i didn't have to see the end of my miliary career. So I went to the hardware store and bought some gopher poison and took two big tablespoons of it. An half hour went by and I couldn't really feel it so i took more. Thats when **** hit the fan. I got scared, every little movement I tried to make with my body ended up being a a full movement that I had no control over. So I told my parents I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I made it into the Emergency Room and thats when my body locked up on me and I fell to the floor like a rock and busted my eye open. The thing is, you can think very clearly, you just cant control your body, and that is very scarry. So that led me to my third Psych visit and my second 5150 arrest. In the hospital I talked alot with the doctors, and decided that the next time I would eleviate the problem instead of killing myself because thats just bull ****. So I did my 72 hours, and then went to rehab for drinking and continued therapy for a month. Then I was discharged out of the military with only three months left of my 4 year obligation. Now I am in an even worst relationship that the one i told you about, now I think even more about harming innocent people and think about harming this guy that my girl friend is seeing behind my back every second of everyday. Now I am agry all the time, a smile rarely comes to my face and I wake up in the morning with one goal in my head... I just want to make it through life without killing someone... if it was legal, than that would be ok... but I don't want to go to jail for murder. But sometimes I get so angry, I just want to hit something or someone for no reason. I want to crash my truck into someone else just because I can. It's almost like if I am not angry I am actually in pain and cause drama in my life so I can get back to being angry. And I find myself repeating my goal over and over in my head through out the day, i just want to make it through life without snaping and killing someone. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel like this or am I crazy and need to be locked up? I am scared because I don't think I can keep my goal. Thats why I am here begging you for guidence.

[lindya]

Originally posted by WhatShldIDo Does anyone else feel like this or am I crazy and need to be locked up? I am scared because I don't think I can keep my goal. Thats why I am here begging you for guidence.

 

If there's a strong likelihood that you're going to snap with the result that you harm yourself or others, then yes - you probably do need to be in a secure place where you can get the help you need over an extended period of time. I'm not a doctor, though. It would be for a mental health specialist (one who has carried out a detailed assessment on you) to decide whether secure accommodation is the only feasible option to keep others safe from your potential actions.

 

You mention having seen the military as providing an opportunity to kill people "legally", and you say that others you met there felt the same way. I wonder if that environment removed some of the inhibitions you might previously have had regarding extreme violence (ie that leads to your death or other people's). It seems to me that an environment like that would have a destabilising effect on many individuals...and would be particularly high risk for someone with your pre-existing condition.

 

I would urge you to speak honestly and openly with your doctor, and advise him/her of all the thoughts you've expressed in this post - and any more violent fantasies you might be having.

[orta]

There is something I don't understand from your story.

 

If you attempted suicide, especially when you ingested large amounts of poison, why weren't you admitted into an inpatient mental hospital for observation? I notice you mentioned a period of seventy-two hours. During that time period, I'm surprised that these people did not find anything all too wrong with you. Frankly, I'm confused as to why you weren't put in an inpatient setting for a much longer period of time.

 

If you suspect there is something the matter with you, you do realize that you can check yourself in to a mental hospital, yes?

 

To me, this doesn't sound like you have a mental illness. Rather, it sounds as though you had a life full of overwhelming, negative experiences. Drug use certainly did not help any of your problems. It definitely does sound as though you have some problems that you should address, and it seems that you want to. Make the effort to find out what is wrong. Be honest when you speak to doctors. In the future, if you feel like attempting suicide again, perhaps it would be best to tell someone in a position to help you about those impulses.

 

It would also be nice if you would break your future posts up into paragraphs. I had a very difficult time making sense of what you were trying to convey.

[boundlessspirit]

Wow you have had a lot happen to you. First let me say way to go for hanging in this long. You have a lot of pain and the anger stems from that. At least you want to get help and that's very good. I don't think you need to be in any institution. I do reccommend that you talk to someone and find a person who will help you through those rough times kinda like a AA partner someone you can call on anytime. If you think your girlfriend is cheating on you then let her go and focus on someone else. Jealousy is one of the most powerful and scary emotions. You feel out of control and scared to get hurt again. Talk to her first.

 

Killing yourself is not an answer. trust me I've been there too, but there is always a way out. I won't go into details but I was 23 and pregnant with a hoard of other stresses like marriage at the time. It was horrible and I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to save my baby from the stress and pain I was under. I almost jumped out a 4 story window. But the love for my child and parents were stronger and obviously didn't do it. I endured another 2 years of mental and emotional abuse before pulling myself together and telling myself that I was better than that. I'm now starting to make my life my own and I'm focusing on what I can do better for myself. My self esteem is shot but I'm working on that. It's hard when no one compliments you or gives you the attention and love you need.

 

Don't lose control. You are better than that. Always keep that in mind.

[greyskies]

I want you to know that I care about you and hope you get the help you need if you still feel this way as of today. Man its been a long time since you have had all this anger built up inside. And I wish I could take it all away from you some how. It is very frustrating hearing you are continuing on that journey still. REMEMBER I AM ALWAYS HERE OKAY. I TOLD YOU THAT. AND I JUST GAVE YOU MY NUMBER SO... PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And like one of the others on here said you are way worth more then that. I dont think you are mentally ill but emotionally ill. And emotions are such a hard thing to control in the heat of passion. So be careful. And Im just a phone call away.