xMM is now divorced, but I'm now married

[Jenga1972]

I will try to keep an extremely long story short. Please feel free to ask any question to clarify. Thanks in advance for reading...

 

xMM and I met about 12 years ago. We were simply friends at that time and had met through mutual friends. I was going through a divorce and he was always just a great listener and good friend. He later on admitted that he was having troubles in his marriage. The cliche -- things just happened. We ended up having an affair for 3 solid years. He always promised that he'd eventually leave his wife for me, but never did. We'd break up and get back together with yet more promises of leaving. Looking back, there was nothing out of script, given this situation. I've read the same story a million times on this forum. He did eventually leave his wife and kids, but returned a few months later. I was obviously devastated. After many more foolish hookups, I had finally found the strength to move on. The time between our contacts had become more and more infrequent, sometimes up to a year would go by without any contact.

 

I had finally found the strength to move on and find my own happiness. I bought a house, started dating again and eventually met the man I am now married to. It was a whirlwind and I was swept up in his charm. We met and married within 15 months. Soon thereafter, the wheels really fell off the bus. My marriage is a complete mess right now and has been since we married. There has been emotional and physical abuse. He has untreated bi-polar and ADHD, which he refuses to to get treatment for. He has declined marriage counseling on 3 occasions. I have been to individual counseling. We fight about EVERYTHING. We've been together now for about 3.5 years and married for just over a year.

 

xMarried man has popped back into picture from time to time during this marriage. We have/had maintained a friendly correspondence, which has been very infrequent. But, I do know that he had another affair after me. This woman ended up being a complete psycho, to the extent of causing him to lose his high paying job as well as his marriage. At the time of hearing of this news I was secretly happy in revengeful way. Not proud to say it, but what goes around, comes around. Also, not proud to admit that I had started confiding in him regarding my marital issues. He had truly been a friend. He was not trying to pursue me in a romantic way, he was simply devastated over the turn in his life events (lost job, lost marriage, etc.). He was very open about the fact that he needed to focus on himself for the first time in his life.

 

He had been attending counseling for the first time in his life, pretty much made his kids his world, and started a new business. While he said that he probably would have been too much of a coward to end his marriage on his own, he's now happy that he is no longer married to his ex-wife. They are actually good friends and both happier not married.

 

Fast forward to about the last year. xMM has been popping back into the picture. The pattern has been: he'll contact me, we'll communicate/meet up, he'll profess his love, and then disappear. While it breaks my heart when this happens, I'm always somewhat relieved. I'm afraid of getting caught by my husband (I think he'd go nuts on me) and memories of being in the affair and how difficult it was pop back into my mind and make me realize how much I don't want to go back there (even if the roles are now reversed).

 

So, I hadn't heard from xMM in about 6 months. Last time I saw him, we had dinner, he kissed me passionately, told me that I was the only woman he's ever loved. He once again disappeared.

 

I was out of town with a friend recently and woke up to a text message from him. He stated that he can no longer stand the pain of thinking and being without me everyday, once again stated that I'm the only woman he's ever loved and that he'd do anything to have a shot at a relationship/marriage with me. I told him that I no longer want to engage in the disappearing act that he always pulls and that it's best if we don't have any contact, as it's way too hard on me.

 

He stated that the only reason he does this is because it drives him crazy that I am now married to another man and that he blew his chance. He stated that when we'd been together, mainly as friends, that he'd pull away due to the anger of not having me all to himself.

 

We've been in constant contact for a couple weeks and meeting for lunch soon. Sounds crazy and stupid, but this man has always been the love of my life. I truly thought that we would end up together. I've never forgotten about him through all these years. I've always had moments of intense pain due to missing him. I've somehow been able to sort of move on, but he has never left my thoughts or my heart.

 

I'm super confused right now. My current marriage is nearly un-salvageable. There's been physical abuse and there continues to be emotional abuse. xMM is now free, has gone through all the necessary steps of being alone/going to counseling/getting his life in order as a single man. He is now professing that he'd do anything to be my husband. Please be gentle in your comments, my heart is truly bleeding right now.

[Birdies]

Why on earth aren't you divorced yet? Physical abuse, cheating, untreated emotional disorders, etc. Just do it. Then you can explore a future with XMM or whomever you want.

[Jenga1972]

Birdies, thanks for the reply. My current husband has not cheated on me, but everything else you stated is accurate. I guess I'm just really scared of getting divorced for a second time. I'm really worried about what others will think (i.e. friends and family). I'd like to leave my husband and have been thinking about it for months now. I'm just having a really hard time taking the leap. I'd like to simply move out and get an apartment, but financially it would difficult. I could make it work, but it would put a strain on my finances. If I left, I'd honestly have to do it on the sly (leave/pack/move when my husband isn't here) because I don't know what he'd do if I told him I was leaving him.

[BTDT2012]

I had finally found the strength to move on and find my own happiness. I bought a house, started dating again and eventually met the man I am now married to. It was a whirlwind and I was swept up in his charm. We met and married within 15 months. Soon thereafter, the wheels really fell off the bus. My marriage is a complete mess right now and has been since we married. There has been emotional and physical abuse. He has untreated bi-polar and ADHD, which he refuses to to get treatment for. He has declined marriage counseling on 3 occasions. I have been to individual counseling. We fight about EVERYTHING. We've been together now for about 3.5 years and married for just over a year.

 

I think you probably need learn to be happy alone.

 

I'm super confused right now. My current marriage is nearly un-salvageable. There's been physical abuse and there continues to be emotional abuse. xMM is now free, has gone through all the necessary steps of being alone/going to counseling/getting his life in order as a single man. He is now professing that he'd do anything to be my husband. Please be gentle in your comments, my heart is truly bleeding right now.

 

Why haven't you left your marriage already? What is your reason for being with an abusive man? Are you sure there is no re-writing of history here to justify doing what you want?

 

If xMM had truly done all his work and gotten his life together, he wouldn't be trying to interfere in your marriage.

[BTDT2012]

Birdies, thanks for the reply. My current husband has not cheated on me, but everything else you stated is accurate. I guess I'm just really scared of getting divorced for a second time. I'm really worried about what others will think (i.e. friends and family). I'd like to leave my husband and have been thinking about it for months now. I'm just having a really hard time taking the leap. I'd like to simply move out and get an apartment, but financially it would difficult. I could make it work, but it would put a strain on my finances. If I left, I'd honestly have to do it on the sly (leave/pack/move when my husband isn't here) because I don't know what he'd do if I told him I was leaving him.

 

Why do you need to leave the house you bought?

[imsosad]

Id like to say three things.

1. The psycho other woman that came after you caused him his marriage and his job? Really? Maybe it was his (serial) cheating that caused it? I would guess he told you she was psycho to make you feel special, your affair was different.

2. He only divorced after his wife found out and kicked him out? You were together and he didnt make the move,even though you are the only one he has ever loved? If he wasnt outed by the very psycho woman, would he still be married today?

3. You have been through a lot. A divorce, a long term affair and then a marriage that seems to be failing. Honestly, the last thing you need is another relationship. You made some choices,and they are not working out for you. Your marriage seems damaging, I think you need sound counselling to help you create a clear vision of your life and form a plan to get you to a better place.

Good luck

[dubliner]

Birdies, thanks for the reply. My current husband has not cheated on me, but everything else you stated is accurate. I guess I'm just really scared of getting divorced for a second time. I'm really worried about what others will think (i.e. friends and family). I'd like to leave my husband and have been thinking about it for months now. I'm just having a really hard time taking the leap. I'd like to simply move out and get an apartment, but financially it would difficult. I could make it work, but it would put a strain on my finances. If I left, I'd honestly have to do it on the sly (leave/pack/move when my husband isn't here) because I don't know what he'd do if I told him I was leaving him.

 

Seriously? Are you being honest or a tad melodramatic?

 

If you are so scared of your abusive husband that you would need to sneak off and leave the house you bought, without so much as an explanation, then those friends/relatives who you are so afraid to disappoint with a divorce, should be the ones you are turning to for support right now.

[Birdies]

Birdies, thanks for the reply. My current husband has not cheated on me, but everything else you stated is accurate.

 

 

I meant you cheating on him. (Repeatedly meeting up with your MM, kissing, etc. No judgement per se - if you look at my post history, you'll see I had a prolonged affair while married. But cheating on your spouse doesn't usually happen in a good, happy marriage, so it's further indicative of the state of your marriage.)

 

It'll be hard, but who the F cares if you have to pinch pennies or what people think of you - your marriage sounds utterly terrible. Just do it already, you know?

[Jenga1972]

Not sure what to say to these replies, I guess I'm not surprised of the negative reactions. I moved into my current husband's home when we got married, we did not purchase it together. I spent approximately 7 years being single between my first and second marriage, so I have spent plenty of time alone and I do plan on attending IC. Perhaps I should be turning to friends and relatives for support right now. If/when I do that, I need to tell them about the abuse and all the other unpleasant things that are going on behind closed doors. Just feel like once I unleash that, there's no turning back as my family and friends will not want me to stay. Or, they will give alternate advice and advise me to work at my marriage -- which is something I'm not sure I'm willing to do. I am afraid of how my husband would react if I told him I wanted a divorce. Not only is that honest, dubliner, it the truth. I wouldn't consider it melodramatic (as you've suggested) worrying about my personal safety. People can do crazy things when a marriage ends not on their terms.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You absolutely cannot stay in an abusive marriage.

 

It doesn't matter what your family or friends thinks. That's common sense.

 

You need to leave your marriage because you HAVE to, not for any other reason. It doesn't matter if your xMM was happily in love, you still need to go.

[Jenga1972]

I meant you cheating on him. (Repeatedly meeting up with your MM, kissing, etc. No judgement per se - if you look at my post history, you'll see I had a prolonged affair while married. But cheating on your spouse doesn't usually happen in a good, happy marriage, so it's further indicative of the state of your marriage.)

 

It'll be hard, but who the F cares if you have to pinch pennies or what people think of you - your marriage sounds utterly terrible. Just do it already, you know?

 

You're right, I am cheating on my husband. There's really no justification for it. And you are also correct in stating that because of this, my marriage is really in trouble. I think leaving this marriage is absolutely the right thing to do, I'm just really scared.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I would like to also say, I am a huge coward. Huge. It took me FOREVER to finally leave my husband. But I did it. And you can too. Mine wasn't abusive. I was scared to death of him though. (Because I'm a coward)

 

You can do this. It's hard, but you can do it. Do you have children with the new husband?

 

How far away does your MM live from you?

[Jenga1972]

Id like to say three things.

1. The psycho other woman that came after you caused him his marriage and his job? Really? Maybe it was his (serial) cheating that caused it? I would guess he told you she was psycho to make you feel special, your affair was different.

2. He only divorced after his wife found out and kicked him out? You were together and he didnt make the move,even though you are the only one he has ever loved? If he wasnt outed by the very psycho woman, would he still be married today?

3. You have been through a lot. A divorce, a long term affair and then a marriage that seems to be failing. Honestly, the last thing you need is another relationship. You made some choices,and they are not working out for you. Your marriage seems damaging, I think you need sound counselling to help you create a clear vision of your life and form a plan to get you to a better place.

Good luck

 

I agree with what you've said.

 

I'm not gonna argue the "psycho woman" issue because that's not really what my thread is about. But I know for a fact that this woman was crazy. I'll leave at that.

[Jenga1972]

I would like to also say, I am a huge coward. Huge. It took me FOREVER to finally leave my husband. But I did it. And you can too. Mine wasn't abusive. I was scared to death of him though. (Because I'm a coward)

 

You can do this. It's hard, but you can do it. Do you have children with the new husband?

 

How far away does your MM live from you?

 

Thanks for sharing. Yes, I'm really scared to do this. I do need to get over what others will think of me. Luckily, we do not have any children together (I don't have any children). MM lives in the general area. How long did it take you to finally leave your husband? Was it easier or harder than you thought it would be?

[Chica80]

I think you need to leave for your own safety.

 

First find a women's shelter place you can get information. Formulate a plan, so when you have that open window you can leave.

 

Second MM is not an issue to deal with at this moment. He may or may not truly love you. He may or may not be a "good guy"

Do not depend on him to "save you" he won't be the savior or rescuer. You have to do that and you can do that!!

 

It seems impossible, but you can do it. Get some information. Are you employed? Find out what you can do a restraining order? etc.

[jenkins95]

(((Jenga)))

 

Wow, what a story! I really feel for you and please know that we are here for you.

 

OK, well to be honest, there were quite a few sentences in your original post that waved a red flag for me. Here are just three of them....

 

"He stated that the only reason he does this is because it drives him crazy that I am now married to another man and that he blew his chance."

 

"I do know that he had another affair after me."

 

"The pattern has been: he'll contact me, we'll communicate/meet up, he'll profess his love, and then disappear."

 

There are a few others too. Whatever happens, please proceed with caution!

 

To really be able to assess your marriage objectively and truly know if it is unsalvageable, you really do not need interference from a third party - it will really mess with your mind and confuse you.

 

You say your marriage is a mess, but be truly honest here - would you definitely be saying this if xMM wasn't on the scene? Affairs play with your head - during mine when I was in the fog, my wife could do no right in my eyes and I re-wrote history in my own mind. It was very convenient and helped me justify the affair to just say to myself that "it's not working". Now I see that the only reason it wasn't working was actually me! Me and my character flaws and my distorted mind. Many months later, I now see the illusions in my head very clearly, but it takes months fur the fog and confusion to start to clear away. You need space to really address your marriage.

 

Don't get me wrong, if it truly is an abusive marriage, then I agree with the others that you should get out. But be truly honest with yourself - would you use the word 'abusive' if MM wasn't playing with your head...... Or is this just a convenient excuse?

 

If xMM really loves you, he will leave you alone while you deal with your marriage. He should respect that. Then you can concentrate 100% on your marriage without him skewing your mind and confusing you. Have the difficult conversations with your H, have the counselling, dissect the marriage bit by bit and find out what's at the core of your problems. If you can't work it out, you can then walk away with dignity. I think your H deserves are least that rather than you just running straight to MM.

 

If you two really are meant to be, then maybe it can happen. But for that to happen in the most decent way possible, he will respect you and give you time and space to work your marriage out and, if necessary, end it - with dignity.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting!

Edited October 13, 2016 by jenkins95

[Jenga1972]

I think you need to leave for your own safety.

 

First find a women's shelter place you can get information. Formulate a plan, so when you have that open window you can leave.

 

Second MM is not an issue to deal with at this moment. He may or may not truly love you. He may or may not be a "good guy"

Do not depend on him to "save you" he won't be the savior or rescuer. You have to do that and you can do that!!

 

It seems impossible, but you can do it. Get some information. Are you employed? Find out what you can do a restraining order? etc.

 

Thanks for your response, Sunshinechica. You suggested a women's shelter. While there has been abuse, I don't feel like it will happen again (the physical part). It was an isolated incident. He does get angry easily, but I made it clear that if the abuse happened again that I'd be gone. Now, I'm not sure what would happen if I left the marriage/marital home. While I really don't think he's capable of being abusive again, there is this tiny part in the back of my mind where I believe anything is possible. He is extremely good at manipulating me, twisting things around to prove that I'm in wrong. I truly don't believe he thinks he's really ever done anything wrong or been wrong. There are some friendships that I truly value and don't want to lose because of all this. My husband has been known to sort of make things up/stretch the truth. I wouldn't put it past him to completely smear my reputation to everyone who's important to me to get back at me for leaving him. I worry about that. Sure, if I leave I'll be free from him. But it would really suck to be without those that matter the most to me. I understand that if they're my true friends, they will be there for me no matter what. But I still worry about it.

 

I understand your comments about not making xMM into the savior. That makes perfectly good sense. He's just come back into my life at a time in which things are so bad with my current situation. Hard to do, but I guess I do need to find a way to separate the two.

 

I am employed, but more of a contract/seasonal career. Now's not the best time to be moving out, but I guess there will never be a perfect time.

[Jenga1972]

(((Jenga)))

 

Wow, what a story! I really feel for you and please know that we are here for you.

 

OK, well to be honest, there were quite a few sentences in your original post that waved a red flag for me. Here are just three of them....

 

"He stated that the only reason he does this is because it drives him crazy that I am now married to another man and that he blew his chance."

 

"I do know that he had another affair after me."

 

"The pattern has been: he'll contact me, we'll communicate/meet up, he'll profess his love, and then disappear."

 

There are a few others too. Whatever happens, please proceed with caution!

 

To really be able to assess your marriage objectively and truly know if it is unsalvageable, you really do not need interference from a third party - it will really mess with your mind and confuse you.

 

You say your marriage is a mess, but be truly honest here - would you definitely be saying this if xMM wasn't on the scene? Affairs play with your head - during mine when I was in the fog, my wife could do no right in my eyes and I re-wrote history in my own mind. It was very convenient and helped me justify the affair to just say to myself that "it's not working". Now I see that the only reason it wasn't working was actually me! Me and my character flaws and my distorted mind. Many months later, I now see the illusions in my head very clearly, but it takes months fur the fog and confusion to start to clear away. You need space to really address your marriage.

 

Don't get me wrong, if it truly is an abusive marriage, then I agree with the others that you should get out. But be truly honest with yourself - would you use the word 'abusive' if MM wasn't playing with your head...... Or is this just a convenient excuse?

 

If xMM really loves you, he will leave you alone while you deal with your marriage. He should respect that. Then you can concentrate 100% on your marriage without him skewing your mind and confusing you. Have the difficult conversations with your H, have the counselling, dissect the marriage bit by bit and find out what's at the core of your problems. If you can't work it out, you can then walk away with dignity. I think your H deserves are least that rather than you just running straight to MM.

 

If you two really are meant to be, then maybe it can happen. But for that to happen in the most decent way possible, he will respect you and give you time and space to work your marriage out and, if necessary, end it - with dignity.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting!

 

Thanks so much for your response Jenkins, i really do appreciate it. The things you mentioned about xMM are without a doubt red flags. I can't deny that. For the record, up until about a week ago, I hadn't had any contact with xMM for approximately 6 months. I've had very minimal contact with him over the last couple years and even less within the last year. I know that still probably constitutes having an affair with him, but not really. We have not been physical and the communication never lasted more than a few exchanged texts, a couple phone calls.

 

As for my marriage, the abuse happened when xMM and I weren't even in contact. My husband's constant anger and verbal abuse have been around since we married. His untreated bi-polar and ADHD have also been a huge detriment to our relationship. He has flat out refused to be on any medication for it because he hasn't liked the side effects from when had taken it earlier on in life. I have suggested marriage counseling 3 times in the last 1.5 years. One time the appointment was made, but he was so nice and apologetic in the days leading up to it, that we just ended up canceling the appointment. The other two times, he didn't like the counselors that I chose, and refused to go. I told him to pick one that he was comfortable with, but he never followed through. Last summer, which was approximately 4 months after we got married, I attended IC on my own because he refused to go with me. My therapist confirmed the emotional abuse and told me that I only had a couple options: find ways to deal with it or get out. She said that he most likely would never change.

 

Trust me, the last thing I want is the label of being divorced twice. How embarrassing. I wish that I no longer had feelings for xMM. I just want to be happily married. I feel completely trapped right now. I was single between marriages for 7 years and never felt as horrible as I do now. Sure, there are good times sprinkled into this current marriage, but the bad times have finally started to outweigh the good. And I can honestly say that xMM has had nothing to do with these feelings -- he has not really been in my life until last week.

[ChickiePops]

If you are being physically abused, who cares about being embarrassed by a divorce?

 

Also, if you're afraid of what your husband will do if you want to divorce him..won't it be much, much worse when he finds out you're cheating on him?

[jenkins95]

Thanks very much for replying to my post Jenga. I do see that you have really tried to do your bit - tried to arrange counseling, work on the marriage, etc and that your H has resisted that. That's a real shame. Do you think he knows just how close he is to losing you? I wonder if you really spelled out to him that you are actually considering leaving, would it shake some sense into him?

 

Do you love him? Did you ever love him every bit as much as you loved xMM? Sorry - I do know that these are nasty questions, and I don't expect you to answer if you do not feel comfortable.

 

Even if your marriage is doomed, the popular wisdom (as I'm sure you know) is not to get straight into a serious relationship until you have had time to recover and get your head straight. That will give any future relationship a much higher chance of survival. Breakups take a lot of recovery, even if breaking up is the right thing to do. If he loves you, he will respect this and give you time. Having been through years of stress in his own former marriage, he surely realises this.

 

Whatever you decide, we are here for you!

[Jenga1972]

If you are being physically abused, who cares about being embarrassed by a divorce?

 

Also, if you're afraid of what your husband will do if you want to divorce him..won't it be much, much worse when he finds out you're cheating on him?

 

Maybe I'm looking way too far into the embarrassment thing. Perhaps I'm just extremely insecure about all this right now. And yes, it would be a much, much worse thing if my husband found out about me talking to xMM. I've got a ton of anxiety right now knowing that I'm hiding a secret from my husband. I definitely have a fear of what the repercussions could be.

[sandylee1]

Don't stay with an abuser. It doesn't matter if you divorce 100 x to escape an abusive marriage. There's no excuse for him abusing you.

 

Leave and if you want to give it a shot with XMM go ahead. Do remember that you weren't his only affair and he'd never have left if it didn't get exposed by the psycho OW though.

[Patrice]

ended up in an abusive marriage. Think back, if you are repeating a pattern in your life, you need to introspect on this. Get out of the marriage, chances are the xMM has a history of cheating - is looking for a landing spot, and where will you be in 6 months?

[Poe77]

This is just a idea here but have you ever considered that the problems in your current marriage are being caused by the cheating your doing on your husband? im not saying that's a pass to abuse by aney means but its prob the cattlist wither or not the marriage can be saved only you know at this point..

 

I dont think MMs Ex was as "crazy" as he said she was prob the one with enough self respect to blow the whistle on him so of course hes going to make her out to be a nutter she stopped his game..but that's kinda neither here nor there I guess..at this point you need to start accepting some responsibility for your own role in things..

 

End of the day OP If things are really as bad as your making them out to be then you need to start making better choices for yourself starting with leaving your abusive husband AND MM as hes nothing but a mind game for you at this point it sounds like both relationships have become toxic..leave him get your place stay single for a while and then meet some one new and start fresh with no baggage attached...you deserve better then all these games..

[whichwayisup]

You can't just end your marriage and start a new life with your exMM who now is suddenly divorced. Please consider counseling, you've been through abuse with your husband and still chose to stay with him, only because exMM is back in your life you now are thinking of leaving your H and being with your exMM. How healthy is that? Maybe being on your own and being alone, grow and heal before entering any other relationship, let alone one with your exMM.