xMM is now divorced, but I'm now married

[Jenga1972]

Thanks very much for replying to my post Jenga. I do see that you have really tried to do your bit - tried to arrange counseling, work on the marriage, etc and that your H has resisted that. That's a real shame. Do you think he knows just how close he is to losing you? I wonder if you really spelled out to him that you are actually considering leaving, would it shake some sense into him?

 

Do you love him? Did you ever love him every bit as much as you loved xMM? Sorry - I do know that these are nasty questions, and I don't expect you to answer if you do not feel comfortable.

 

Even if your marriage is doomed, the popular wisdom (as I'm sure you know) is not to get straight into a serious relationship until you have had time to recover and get your head straight. That will give any future relationship a much higher chance of survival. Breakups take a lot of recovery, even if breaking up is the right thing to do. If he loves you, he will respect this and give you time. Having been through years of stress in his own former marriage, he surely realises this.

 

Whatever you decide, we are here for you!

 

Thanks once again Jenkins. I'm not sure if he knows how close he is to losing me. We're in the midst of a really tough time with something that happened recently. It's possible that he is starting to sense that I may leave him. We've reached the brink a couple times where I threatened to leave. I went and stayed with my parents for a while once. He tends to act really nice towards me when things like this happen. But, he typically will go back to his angry self within a week. These "make-up" sessions have become shorter and shorter as the fighting continues to increase.

 

Do I love him? Up until about a month or so ago, I'd say yes. But more recently, I'm really starting to question it. He's constantly in a bad mood and will make my usually upbeat and even demeanor take a nose dive. Once he's successfully knocked me down, then he will flip a switch and be in a really good mood. He is really good at always being in good mood while around others, but tends to take his frustrations out on me. He will never, in a million years admit to this. People don't know or see the side of him that I do. He's called me every name in the book.

 

Did I ever love my husband as much as xMM? That is a good question. When I finally broke free from xMM years ago, there was a period of about a year where we didn't have any contact. I had finally started living my life, started dating again. I bought a house, had great neighbors and really felt like I was moving on. I was genuinely happy. When I met my husband during this time, we fell hard for each other right away. I had never met anyone like him, never wanted to spend so much time with someone -- he felt the same. We were exchanging "I love you's" within a month and we were talking marriage within 3 months of dating. This type of behavior was really unusual for me. Of course that fog wore off as time went on. But, we still did end up getting engaged after less than a year of dating. Not entirely sure what changed. He did a very good job of hiding his mood disorder and ADHD. It became more evident after we started living together right before marriage. There came a point about a month before we got married where I realized that something didn't feel entirely right. I thought it was due to the stress of selling my house, moving, etc. I should have trusted my instincts.

 

So, to answer the question of if I ever loved my husband as much as xMM? The first 3 months of dating him -- Yes! That was unlike any feeling I've ever had towards a man. But, that quickly faded. I've continued to have this deep love for xMM even 10 years later. I've never forgotten him, I always had moments where I missed him. I was never able to shake him completely. Those 3 months with my husband are possibly the only months I really forgot about xMM.

 

You have a good point in stating that if xMM truly loves me, then he would give me the time and space to recover from divorce.

[Chica80]

What was your first marriage like?

Why did you have an affair?

 

If husband hit you once he will do it again. This is not a one time incident. It is just the start of a cycle.

Does this sound like a familiar cycle:

 

Husband gets angry, yells at you demeans you, hits you, then apologizes, I love you I'm so sorry it will never happen again, he then treats you so loving and tender like you're in a "honeymoon" again......only until the next time you make him angry again.....it's never him he never does anything wrong it's all YOU. And no one would believe you because he is so nice he loves you so much how can that be true.....so it's not as bad as you think. If only I did xyz this wouldn't happen.

 

MM loves you, you mean everything to him, you give him afection/sex back whatever it may be only for him to ignore discard you again .......

 

Sound familiar?

[jenkins95]

I've continued to have this deep love for xMM even 10 years later. I've never forgotten him, I always had moments where I missed him. I was never able to shake him completely.

 

((Jenga)) you write really well! Thanks for answering my questions! I relate to what you say above. Affair love is strange and has an allure and intensity that can overwhelm 'normal' love. I felt this myself - it just felt so magical and intense. But the very nature of affair dynamics lends itself to this amplification effect. Everything is secret, magical. Everything has to be done in stolen precious moments and they therefore become very intense. And the fact that you share this incredible experience.... And it absolutely cannot be shared with anyone else, makes it almost impossible for a strong connection not to form. Everything is done in an exclusive, private heavenly bubble and both partners show their best sides and act constantly in courtship mode - an escape from the normality and mundane nature of everyday life. Months apart missing reach other, the forbidden nature, the longing, the knowledge that a 'real' relationship is out of reach with that person...... This all just adds to the mystique and the power and the hold of an affair and the ap can be built up in the mind to almost perfect and that you are made for each other. This is what it was like for me anyway!

 

Sorry Jenga, I got a bit carried away there. I guess I'm just trying to say that you may feel a bit different if you actually lived with him for a while and saw some of his less attractive traits and habits in the cold light of day when not everything was done in illicit, intense, exciting stolen moments. But I know that you know all this anyway! I'm venting more at myself then anyone else.

 

Keep up the great posts Jenga. It's great to thrash it all out like this.

[Jenga1972]

Don't stay with an abuser. It doesn't matter if you divorce 100 x to escape an abusive marriage. There's no excuse for him abusing you.

 

Leave and if you want to give it a shot with XMM go ahead. Do remember that you weren't his only affair and he'd never have left if it didn't get exposed by the psycho OW though.

 

Thanks for your words, sandylee. When I wrote about xMM's previous affair and the fact that he only exited his marriage because of this other woman in my original post, I wanted to be completely transparent so everyone could get the full story. The truth hurts, but you are right -- he is a cheater and he'd most likely still be married if it wasn't for crazy. If crazy wasn't crazy, maybe he'd be married to her now.

 

I've gotta admit though, it probably wouldn't have worked out for us several years back even if he did divorce on his own. The first time he left home to be with me, he was completely devastated over being separated from his kids. He was a complete mess and our relationship just wasn't the same. He's now been divorced for a couple years, really seems to have everything together and spent a couple years in counseling. He truly does seem more put together than I've ever known.

[Jenga1972]

You can't just end your marriage and start a new life with your exMM who now is suddenly divorced. Please consider counseling, you've been through abuse with your husband and still chose to stay with him, only because exMM is back in your life you now are thinking of leaving your H and being with your exMM. How healthy is that? Maybe being on your own and being alone, grow and heal before entering any other relationship, let alone one with your exMM.

 

I agree with most of what you're saying. It's not right to just end my marriage cuz xMM came along. I was and have been thinking about exiting my marriage for the last couple months, a time frame when xMM wasn't even on the radar. I will be entering counseling.

[Jenga1972]

What was your first marriage like?

Why did you have an affair?

 

If husband hit you once he will do it again. This is not a one time incident. It is just the start of a cycle.

Does this sound like a familiar cycle:

 

Husband gets angry, yells at you demeans you, hits you, then apologizes, I love you I'm so sorry it will never happen again, he then treats you so loving and tender like you're in a "honeymoon" again......only until the next time you make him angry again.....it's never him he never does anything wrong it's all YOU. And no one would believe you because he is so nice he loves you so much how can that be true.....so it's not as bad as you think. If only I did xyz this wouldn't happen.

 

MM loves you, you mean everything to him, you give him afection/sex back whatever it may be only for him to ignore discard you again .......

 

Sound familiar?

 

My first marriage, we married very young. Overall though, it was mostly a healthy marriage. We didn't fight, there was no abuse. We simply just grew apart and lived a life that was more like brother/sister. We have mutual friends and still see each other a couple times a year. We are friendly and cordial. This sounds bad, but it was a really boring marriage. Looking back on everything I've been through since then, I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have that simplicity back.

 

Why did I have an affair? I didn't plan on it. I was fresh out of my first marriage and xMM and I just simply fell in love. It started off as a friendship and he eventually turned to me because his marriage was suffering. We fell in love and one thing led to another. Yeah, I know. Typical story that everyone tells. There's no particular reason why I did it. If I could go back in time, I definitely would've resisted it. I'm sure my life would be a lot different today. I regret wasting so many years on a man that wasn't available. Hindsight's 20/20.

 

The cycle you describe sounds very familiar. You are spot on. Can't deny that. Leaving is such a hard thing because I truly want to be married and have a simple, happy life with my husband. I keep hoping something will change and we can have a peaceful life together. But, instead, things keep getting worse.

[Jenga1972]

ended up in an abusive marriage. Think back, if you are repeating a pattern in your life, you need to introspect on this. Get out of the marriage, chances are the xMM has a history of cheating - is looking for a landing spot, and where will you be in 6 months?

 

You could very well be right. Not entirely convinced that he's looking for a landing spot. He's been divorced for 2 years, has spent time working on himself and has finally been alone for the first time in his life. He is a charming, highly successful man and could most likely have any woman he wants. He knows I'm not readily available and he knows I'm not just going to divorce my husband tomorrow to be with him. I know we had something special and he knows it too. He admits to the many mistakes he's made in the past. Not defending him, just stating some facts. Where would I be in 6 months if I decided to divorce my husband to be with him? Who knows. Could end up really bad, I'm aware of that. Risky business.

[Jenga1972]

This is just a idea here but have you ever considered that the problems in your current marriage are being caused by the cheating your doing on your husband? im not saying that's a pass to abuse by aney means but its prob the cattlist wither or not the marriage can be saved only you know at this point..

 

I dont think MMs Ex was as "crazy" as he said she was prob the one with enough self respect to blow the whistle on him so of course hes going to make her out to be a nutter she stopped his game..but that's kinda neither here nor there I guess..at this point you need to start accepting some responsibility for your own role in things..

 

End of the day OP If things are really as bad as your making them out to be then you need to start making better choices for yourself starting with leaving your abusive husband AND MM as hes nothing but a mind game for you at this point it sounds like both relationships have become toxic..leave him get your place stay single for a while and then meet some one new and start fresh with no baggage attached...you deserve better then all these games..

 

The problems in my current marriage have not been caused due to my affair. This problems in marriage accrued mostly when xMM and I weren't in any contact.

 

I've seen some evidence that proves his ex (not his ex wife, but ex affair partner) is quite crazy. He had to put a restraining order on her and he showed me some texts that she sent to both his parents and ex wife. I guess this isn't the point here, though.

 

You are absolutely right in stating that I need to make some better choices in my life moving forward. Part of the reason I'm on this forum and plan on attending IC. Some things are easier said than done.

[Chica80]

My first marriage, we married very young. Overall though, it was mostly a healthy marriage. We didn't fight, there was no abuse. We simply just grew apart and lived a life that was more like brother/sister. We have mutual friends and still see each other a couple times a year. We are friendly and cordial. This sounds bad, but it was a really boring marriage. Looking back on everything I've been through since then, I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have that simplicity back.

 

Why did I have an affair? I didn't plan on it. I was fresh out of my first marriage and xMM and I just simply fell in love. It started off as a friendship and he eventually turned to me because his marriage was suffering. We fell in love and one thing led to another. Yeah, I know. Typical story that everyone tells. There's no particular reason why I did it. If I could go back in time, I definitely would've resisted it. I'm sure my life would be a lot different today. I regret wasting so many years on a man that wasn't available. Hindsight's 20/20.

 

The cycle you describe sounds very familiar. You are spot on. Can't deny that. Leaving is such a hard thing because I truly want to be married and have a simple, happy life with my husband. I keep hoping something will change and we can have a peaceful life together. But, instead, things keep getting worse.

 

I truly understand what you mean. Wanting to love husband have a good relationship. Who wants to go through a divorce that sucks!!!

 

Abuse will not stop. It will only escalate. Do you find yourself saying oh, he's not that bad. I don't have it as bad as a friend I know. Let's say her name is Mary. Oh Mary really has it bad if I was in her situation, I would leave. Because that's not acceptable. She Mary does have an excuse I don't....

 

Your H refuses to get help. This will never change. And each time it will just chip away at your soul, at your core at who you are...

 

I could tell you before I left my x, I had this overwhelming fear. He was never "physically" abusive. I had a talk with a group of girlfriends. I stated I can't leave I can't take care of myself I can't he controls everything. Now mind you I have a career. I make decent money not a lot but enough. I'm smart and able. But I felt I can't there is no way. My biggest fear was because of my children. He had threatened he would never allow that, I could never take them.

Its been 10 months since I left now. There have been many ups and downs but I am in such a better place.

[BluesPower]

Jenga1972, I really think you need to stop being so concerned about what other people think. You really need to live for yourself.

 

If your husband will not get help for his issues, you just need to leave the marriage, regardless of what other people think.

 

I have be with my wife for 26 years and she is bi-polar, if she had not gotten help for her disorder we would be done already.

 

It is really impossible to have a happy marriage with someone that suffers from this and refuses to get help. They are not really a whole person when it goes untreated.

 

Good luck...

[Jenga1972]

((Jenga)) you write really well! Thanks for answering my questions! I relate to what you say above. Affair love is strange and has an allure and intensity that can overwhelm 'normal' love. I felt this myself - it just felt so magical and intense. But the very nature of affair dynamics lends itself to this amplification effect. Everything is secret, magical. Everything has to be done in stolen precious moments and they therefore become very intense. And the fact that you share this incredible experience.... And it absolutely cannot be shared with anyone else, makes it almost impossible for a strong connection not to form. Everything is done in an exclusive, private heavenly bubble and both partners show their best sides and act constantly in courtship mode - an escape from the normality and mundane nature of everyday life. Months apart missing reach other, the forbidden nature, the longing, the knowledge that a 'real' relationship is out of reach with that person...... This all just adds to the mystique and the power and the hold of an affair and the ap can be built up in the mind to almost perfect and that you are made for each other. This is what it was like for me anyway!

 

Sorry Jenga, I got a bit carried away there. I guess I'm just trying to say that you may feel a bit different if you actually lived with him for a while and saw some of his less attractive traits and habits in the cold light of day when not everything was done in illicit, intense, exciting stolen moments. But I know that you know all this anyway! I'm venting more at myself then anyone else.

 

Keep up the great posts Jenga. It's great to thrash it all out like this.

 

Thanks Jenkins, I think you write really well too. I don't think you got carried away with what you wrote. Affair love does certainly have an allure to it. You kind of made it sound beautiful the way it was written above. Despite that, I do understand what you're saying. This type of love is definitely not sustainable. And I guess it's the only type of love I've experienced with this man. It's impossible to predict what real life would be like with him. It's so confusing when a man I've loved for 10 years comes back into my life and professes that he'd do anything to have me back and to marry me. This is the first time he's ever done something this dramatic. I know, I know. More words. Thanks for sharing. Every little bit is helping in its own way.

[whichwayisup]

You could very well be right. Not entirely convinced that he's looking for a landing spot. He's been divorced for 2 years, has spent time working on himself and has finally been alone for the first time in his life. He is a charming, highly successful man and could most likely have any woman he wants. He knows I'm not readily available and he knows I'm not just going to divorce my husband tomorrow to be with him. I know we had something special and he knows it too. He admits to the many mistakes he's made in the past. Not defending him, just stating some facts. Where would I be in 6 months if I decided to divorce my husband to be with him? Who knows. Could end up really bad, I'm aware of that. Risky business.

 

Tell him to give you time, a lot of time. If he truly loves you and wants you, he'll wait for however long it takes. He divorced 2 years ago, so he's had his time as you say to work on him self etc., so no way should he put himself in your life until you are officially divorced and had time to sort through your own issues and emotional baggage. Don't even open that door.

[Jenga1972]

I truly understand what you mean. Wanting to love husband have a good relationship. Who wants to go through a divorce that sucks!!!

 

Abuse will not stop. It will only escalate. Do you find yourself saying oh, he's not that bad. I don't have it as bad as a friend I know. Let's say her name is Mary. Oh Mary really has it bad if I was in her situation, I would leave. Because that's not acceptable. She Mary does have an excuse I don't....

 

Your H refuses to get help. This will never change. And each time it will just chip away at your soul, at your core at who you are...

 

I could tell you before I left my x, I had this overwhelming fear. He was never "physically" abusive. I had a talk with a group of girlfriends. I stated I can't leave I can't take care of myself I can't he controls everything. Now mind you I have a career. I make decent money not a lot but enough. I'm smart and able. But I felt I can't there is no way. My biggest fear was because of my children. He had threatened he would never allow that, I could never take them.

Its been 10 months since I left now. There have been many ups and downs but I am in such a better place.

 

Thanks for understanding, Sunshinechica. Divorce is such a drag. I am able to follow the patterns you listed above. I actually sort of caught myself defending my husband in the this thread earlier today. One poster suggested a woman's shelter when/if I leave. I then downplayed the abuse as "only" happening once. After taking to a friend and my mom (on different occasions) about some things that had been going on with my husband and I, they both stated that that's how physical abuse starts, verbally. I said that would never happen. That he wasn't capable of it. I guess I was wrong.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, I needed to hear that. It must've taken a lot of courage. You're only 10 months in, how are you doing? What was it like weeks and days leading up to actually leaving? What was the final straw for you?

[Jenga1972]

Jenga1972, I really think you need to stop being so concerned about what other people think. You really need to live for yourself.

 

If your husband will not get help for his issues, you just need to leave the marriage, regardless of what other people think.

 

I have be with my wife for 26 years and she is bi-polar, if she had not gotten help for her disorder we would be done already.

 

It is really impossible to have a happy marriage with someone that suffers from this and refuses to get help. They are not really a whole person when it goes untreated.

 

Good luck...

 

BluesPower, I'm really trying to shake that feeling of worrying about what others think. Perhaps with time, I will be able to get over this. It's only been the last couple months that I've seriously considered leaving him. It's still kind of a fresh idea. Yeah, the bipolar thing is really draining. The hardest part is that he believes that both his ADHD and bipolar are under control. That couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know if he's lying to himself or if deep down he knows he has a problem. What was the final straw for you, if you don't mind sharing? What did you have to do to finally get your wife to get some treatment? Sometimes I feel like I'm living in this indescribable world with him. Some of the crap that happens in our relationship would sound so weird and foreign to others. Sometimes I don't know how I'd go about explaining things without making absolutely no sense. Does that make sense? I honestly don't know how he functions at such a high level at work. He does an extremely good job of masking his bad behavior around others. They have no clue what he can be like. Job well done on putting up with this for 26 years. It's nice to be able to relate to someone who's gone through this a heck of a lot longer than me. Although, I believe my mom suffered/suffers from possible undiagnosed bipolar. It's not pretty.

[Jenga1972]

Tell him to give you time, a lot of time. If he truly loves you and wants you, he'll wait for however long it takes. He divorced 2 years ago, so he's had his time as you say to work on him self etc., so no way should he put himself in your life until you are officially divorced and had time to sort through your own issues and emotional baggage. Don't even open that door.

 

This is good advice, thanks.

[norudder]

Tell him to give you time, a lot of time. If he truly loves you and wants you, he'll wait for however long it takes. he divorced 2 years ago, so he's had his time as you say to work on him self etc., so no way should he put himself in your life until you are officially divorced and had time to sort through your own issues and emotional baggage. Don't even open that door.

 

Isn't this the exact opposite advice we give ow on this board? To NOT wait as long as it takes for married affair partner to leave but live their life , date others , etc ...Just saying its not fair to expect her om to wait as long as it takes to prove his love and for op to have that thought. Why isn't she proving her love by divorcing like everyone expects mm to ? Is it gender bias? Theres a role reversal now, advice to op should be same as for any mp and exmm should be seen as any other single 'other person ' , no?

 

Youre right she should absolutely not open that door right now shouldbut just wanted to point out "if they really love you" stuff can be dangerous standards to have.

Edited October 14, 2016 by norudder

[Chica80]

Thanks for understanding, Sunshinechica. Divorce is such a drag. I am able to follow the patterns you listed above. I actually sort of caught myself defending my husband in the this thread earlier today. One poster suggested a woman's shelter when/if I leave. I then downplayed the abuse as "only" happening once. After taking to a friend and my mom (on different occasions) about some things that had been going on with my husband and I, they both stated that that's how physical abuse starts, verbally. I said that would never happen. That he wasn't capable of it. I guess I was wrong.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, I needed to hear that. It must've taken a lot of courage. You're only 10 months in, how are you doing? What was it like weeks and days leading up to actually leaving? What was the final straw for you?

 

I was married for 8 years. In those 8 years we had the constant cycles. The lows the fights, pains then the "honeymoon" cycle.

 

I'm not going to say that I did not contribute to the dysfunction in our marriage. I did. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to destroy it.

 

The problem for me was, I was willing to look at the issues that I brought to the marriage. How did I help it how did I hurt it. xH was not. Everything was my fault. If I took medication (antidepressants) if I went to therapy if I was more grateful and appreciative of everything he did for me. If I wasn't so sensitive or a better mother....if I wasn't...if I wasn't.....

So I would say I'm done I'm out...we would make up everything was going to be different because we loved eachother etc etc... you know the story.

 

6 years ago we had one of our blow ups...I asked about counseling. He said no I don't need to go. YOU need to go YOU need to get help....so I did. I stayed "because he loved me" "because he was a good father"

About 2.5 years ago again I reached a limit. I said I was done I wanted out. At first same story I love you....then it was if you leave you can't take the children I will never let that happen....so I stayed. This time we went to counseling together. I got on meds, I went to IC. It helped things got better....for a bit. But core issues were never dealt with. He would say the same flowery things, what I needed to hear. Nod and agree with the counselor. But not do the things he actually said.

 

Then about 20 months ago...we hit a cycle again. This time I was an awful mother it was my fault my four year old at the time, was acting up. She had a bad day with him and it was all my fault. Within the same span of days. MM came on to me. And I was done. I wanted out.

It was not my xH fault I had an A. I don't blame him. I chose to have an A. I chose to do that. But I do blame xH for all the marital issues we had that he was never able to look at. He never took accountability for.

 

I told x I was done and this time meant it. I did go back and forth in my mind. I didn't want to be divorced I didn't want to live in a separate home than my children I didn't want that. It doesn't make any sense at all. Somehow a divorce seemed impossible. That could never be an option. You can't do that. You can't leave.

And here is the thing. "He's a good father" is what I constantly heard. So I stayed. Because it was always me....is what I was told over and over I was broken and damaged. There were things I saw or would say are not right. But I was told it's because they are my irrational thoughts.

 

It wasn't until a friend finally said something, because she saw a different side of him that he never showed anyone else. Only me.

 

I was mentally done, emotionally checked out and said that I was done. But still stayed for 11 months.

 

Like you after the fact, my family and friends told me things that they had seen observed that they knew was not ok...but of course no one says anything.

 

Obviously I'm leaving a lot of things out. And I don't want to thread jack. Just want to try to answer the best I can.

 

As I started to grow stronger, he became angrier. He was no longer in control and he could no longer manipulate me or get me to "behave". My parents who he would call to "get me back in line, when I was misbehaving" no longer where siding with him.

 

What finally caused me to leave...It was one day after coming home from work I was tired and He started in. With the same constant I love you/ I don't want you get out I want nothing to do with you. Things escalated. No physical but police called. That was it my moment. I left I took my children because he could not stop me then.

 

At first it was really difficult. There were days I could barely function to get by. I didn't think I was capable that I could do it on my own. But I've learned. I've been in IC for more than a year. That has helped me the most. I've learned so many things about myself. About my inner core issues. Those that contributed in to the marriage. Both the good and the bad. Not everything is always black and white. Not everyone is good or bad. And I can't fix him I can't change him. I can only change me.

I can tell you that I have become a much stronger healthier mentally, emotionally person. I am a better mother.

 

So I apologize for the long answer, but hope this helps.

[Chica80]

*** just wanted to add. The women shelter that was me***

 

I know all about defending. I "downplay" behaviors all the time. You can't trust your own instincts about what is right or wrong what is true or not true.

 

*passive aggressive

*gaslighting

*narcissist and the co-dependent relationship

 

look those up, Emotional and physical abuse signs and symptoms. How many of those do you identify with? If your husband is true BPD. And refuses to get help. Things will only escalate not get better.

 

One of the things I said, was my bruises are not visible my cuts and wounds you can't see them but they are there. And I would ask what is it I am waiting for, the day for him to actually hit me. Would that be enough. What would finally make it enough?

 

One thing I do is ask someone else. I can't trust my own thoughts or instincts all the time. I'm learning but, still hard so I ask a friend I trust. Ok tell me truth. What is the truth? Is this a healthy normal behavior or response etc and she will tell me... (advice I actually got from MM).

[Poe77]

The problems in my current marriage have not been caused due to my affair. This problems in marriage accrued mostly when xMM and I weren't in any contact.

 

I've seen some evidence that proves his ex (not his ex wife, but ex affair partner) is quite crazy. He had to put a restraining order on her and he showed me some texts that she sent to both his parents and ex wife. I guess this isn't the point here, though.

 

You are absolutely right in stating that I need to make some better choices in my life moving forward. Part of the reason I'm on this forum and plan on attending IC. Some things are easier said than done.

 

So you think that having a affair has helped your marriage? im sorry I dont quite understand that mind set...your MM has been bouncing in and out of your married life like a pogo stick and you dont see that as a potential issue? I guess what you truly want is to just divorce your H and get together with MM..your thinking the grass is greener but like others said hes a cereal cheater what makes you think he wont do the same to you when he gets bored of you?

 

I do think you need to divorce your current H no point in sticking around if you have your mind set on MM...of course you have seen some "evidence" but did you see the texts he sent to her to get those responses? there is always two sides to every story..and I dont think your MM is the knight in white shinning armor you think he is..

[anika99]

So you think that having a affair has helped your marriage? im sorry I dont quite understand that mind set...your MM has been bouncing in and out of your married life like a pogo stick and you dont see that as a potential issue? I guess what you truly want is to just divorce your H and get together with MM..your thinking the grass is greener but like others said hes a cereal cheater what makes you think he wont do the same to you when he gets bored of you?

 

I do think you need to divorce your current H no point in sticking around if you have your mind set on MM...of course you have seen some "evidence" but did you see the texts he sent to her to get those responses? there is always two sides to every story..and I dont think your MM is the knight in white shinning armor you think he is..

 

I don't think the OP was saying that the affair helped her marriage, I think she was just explaining to another poster that the MM wasn't the cause of her marital problems.

 

OP I think you need to leave your abusive husband and then I think you need to spend two to three years being totally single while getting counselling and breaking your addiction to drama. You left your first marriage because it was boring, then you spent 3yrs in a dramatic affair, then you got caught up in the excitement of a new infatuation and called it love, married an abusive man whom you never really loved (you say you only really loved him in the first few months of the courtship. That wasn't love, it was infatuation), refused to leave even after physical abuse, started seeing your affair partner again and now you're considering running away to be with him.

 

You are a drama chaser and if you ever want to be truly happy and at peace you have to get over that. You say you were alone for 7 yrs between your first and second marriage but that's not true. You were in an affair with an MM for at least 3yrs of that time and in a relationship with your current husband for about 15 months before you married him and perhaps there were other men you dated as well but nothing came of those dates. You need to stop dating, stop chasing happiness in a man, stop looking to men to make your life exciting and worthwhile. Be alone and learn to make yourself happy and break the addiction to drama.

[DKT3]

*** just wanted to add. The women shelter that was me***

 

I know all about defending. I "downplay" behaviors all the time. You can't trust your own instincts about what is right or wrong what is true or not true.

 

*passive aggressive

*gaslighting

*narcissist and the co-dependent relationship

 

look those up, Emotional and physical abuse signs and symptoms. How many of those do you identify with? If your husband is true BPD. And refuses to get help. Things will only escalate not get better.

 

One of the things I said, was my bruises are not visible my cuts and wounds you can't see them but they are there. And I would ask what is it I am waiting for, the day for him to actually hit me. Would that be enough. What would finally make it enough?

 

One thing I do is ask someone else. I can't trust my own thoughts or instincts all the time. I'm learning but, still hard so I ask a friend I trust. Ok tell me truth. What is the truth? Is this a healthy normal behavior or response etc and she will tell me... (advice I actually got from MM).

it was nice that you shared your story, I can feel your frustration in your words...last thing you probably want is my opinion...but here it goes. Your marriage sounds like it was broken and dysfunctional from the start..that's because you are two unhealthy people. Your answer? Even a more dysfunctional relationship, one where you are continuing to be an emotional slave and blinded. You trade one for the other because the difference in their strength, both men are equally dysfunctional and broken only in different ways, you don't see that because dysfunctional is what you know.

 

Your out on a beautiful beach at sunset peddling your azz of but your riding a stationary bike, so your getting nowhere. In your mind it's better, it's not better, it's likely worse but you only notice that is different. Leave both of this men behind and focus on your kids and yourself that is what's important, stop being a slave to emotions, healthy women attract healthy men, dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

[Chica80]

it was nice that you shared your story, I can feel your frustration in your words...last thing you probably want is my opinion...but here it goes. Your marriage sounds like it was broken and dysfunctional from the start..that's because you are two unhealthy people. Your answer? Even a more dysfunctional relationship, one where you are continuing to be an emotional slave and blinded. You trade one for the other because the difference in their strength, both men are equally dysfunctional and broken only in different ways, you don't see that because dysfunctional is what you know.

 

Your out on a beautiful beach at sunset peddling your azz of but your riding a stationary bike, so your getting nowhere. In your mind it's better, it's not better, it's likely worse but you only notice that is different. Leave both of this men behind and focus on your kids and yourself that is what's important, stop being a slave to emotions, healthy women attract healthy men, dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

 

 

Thank you...Yes you are right. I don't always agree with what you have to say. But you are right.

 

The bolded is true....I know this. It has taken me a lot to get to this point. To see this. I have a really good friend I talk to, through all of this. We talked once about the co-pendent/narcissist relationship. It's a spectrum. On one end co dependent on one end say -10. Narcissist on the other end of the spectrum +10.

She made a half joke so you're a -10 and you tend to pick men who are +10?

 

I left my M. I wish that I could have left without this. Not this way. But in a way it was the catalyst the push I needed to leave.

 

It's like being an emotional child. Outsiders can tell you no that is not how healthy love relationships work...you're like What? You mean not everyone behaves or acts this way? It's a learning process. And my emotional child is trying to catch up to my adult logical mind. I'm learning though...

Thank you.