Roles Reversed

[IDKwhatodo]

I’m 50, she’s 43

Married 22 years

Due to health issues I no longer work

I don’t have health care

To expensive to put me on her insurance

She earns to much so I don’t qualify for obamacare

.

I slowly came to the realization that I cannot work so I struggle with not bringing home a paycheck so in turn I was not contributing. There were many arguments because of that realization. So I became the house husband and do everything, literally.

Cooking

Cleaning (minor and major)

Laundry

Shopping

Have the car serviced

Buy dog food because she can't go in Petco because fear of birds.

I'm the IT guy

Yes, take out the garbage too

.

What happened yesterday is indicative of what has happened in the past but with varying degrees. You also have to know that she got a job change and we relocated for it. I supported her 100% and then she had to start the new job early so I packed the apartment up and handled the moving logistics myself. She came back jumped in the car and we moved. I then unpacked and setup the new apartment..

.

To understand yesterday you have to know that there was a previous argument about texting and came to the solution that we (she) would check for texts before responding either by texting or calling. Then with in the last week I told her that I would just talk to her phone and knew that she would read them when she could and I was OK with that.

.

So yesterday I texted her that I just finished ironing the living room curtains and was about to start on her work pants. After finishing that I texted that I didn’t want to cook dinner and asked if she had any thoughts or suggestions.

At 4:30 she calls and tells me that she saw that I hadn’t texted in a while and wanted to know what was going on. So I said, “that was a lot of ironing” and she said, “what ironing?”. So of course I became upset because she said that she saw…..right? So I reminded her about our new texting/calling rule and nothing but silence, then “I guess I will go” and I said good bye and hung up.

She got home and said, “I’m going to bed”….now you have to know that it’s 4:30pm… Also this is normal behavior for her but it’s also an all time record for the earliest she’s gone to bed (5:30 was the record).

 

This morning I decide that I do not want to talk to her because I don’t feel like it. She asks me if I want toast and I tell her I don’t want to talk to her. Now I see the indignation coming and it’s getting ready to pull into the station. Because we did not get through our days happenings she is now going to tell me that she had a rough day with it being her dead grandmother’s birthday and that she found out a former coworker has terminal cancer. All in attempts to flip the script and make the whole thing my fault and I’m the inconsiderate, disrespectful *******. Then adds to that by saying, “I’m not a bad or mean person and I don’t feel I did anything wrong.” Then she says, “I’m tire of getting into trouble for stupid ****”.

I immediately think to myself is stop doing stupid ****. Or learn from your stupid **** so you can stop.

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I never said she was a bad/mean person at all ever but this is a new thing that she adds to every argument now. I now understand that she wants to behave without consequence for her behavior or actions or attitude. I’m suppose to choke it down, not respond with how it makes me feel or point out that she’s being rude, inconsiderate or disrespectful and be happy about it. Every time we have an argument I learn something new that I should stop or start doing. Case in point, no more texting her. I feel that I’m constantly changing something about me or my behavior to suit her and bending over backwards because I don’t pull a paycheck. She has actually said that she doesn’t feel she has anything to change. The newest behavior in just the last year is that “tomorrow is a new day” which means we pretend nothing happened. I will no longer subscribe to that thinking. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.

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OK so here’s my dilemma:

How do I leave the marriage when I don’t have any money, no friends and only family is my dad which is not an option because it would be going from the “pan to the fire”.

My new realization is that I can no longer make her happy and it is time for me to leave and I don’t know how logistically or financially.

[Gemma1]

Sorry, I'm really confused. What did she do wrong? She didn't see your texts? So why didn't you just repeat what you said in the text, when you were talking on the phone? Maybe she just forgot? There, problem solved.

 

Also, why are you texting her constant updates on your household tasks? That's quite bizarre. Do you text her when you take a sh*t also?

[Gemma1]

Also, what is your health problem? I'm not doubting you have one, but people here may be able to give some practical advice if you give more info. And does she claim you as a dependent on her taxes? For one thing, you need to budget for healthcare. If she makes too much for an ACA subsidy, that means she is going to be fined a penalty for you not having healthcare. The penalty is usually more than it would cost to buy you health insurance, so there is really no excuse for you not having healthcare.

 

Get a smaller house. Cheaper car. Get rid of some luxuries. You NEED healthcare. If something happens to you, it's going to be left to others (tax payers) to take care of it, and that's just socially and personally irresponsible.

[IDKwhatodo]

Sorry, I'm really confused. What did she do wrong? She didn't see your texts? So why didn't you just repeat what you said in the text, when you were talking on the phone? Maybe she just forgot? There, problem solved.

 

Also, why are you texting her constant updates on your household tasks? That's quite bizarre. Do you text her when you take a sh*t also?

 

Because she said that she saw that I hadn't text in a while, why am I wrong to expect her to read her texts. We decided together that I would just "talk" to her phone and she would respond when she could, barring any emergencies.

We agreed on that....

 

How many times would you repeat yourself until enough is enough. This has not been the first time, I have let many go by and repeated myself. I did learn from this as not to text her anymore about anything. So problem solved right...? No because it's me NOT doing something now.

[IDKwhatodo]

I'm in the wrong. This is not going to help at all.............Bye

[Raena]

How is it that you can do all the household chores but not work? If you can do all that... cleaning, cooking, ironing, etc... you could clean houses for a living or work in a restaurant as a chef or cook. There has to be something you could do to give your life meaning and purpose beyond being a househusband, bored out of his mind texting his wife about his daily chores. I know it would drive me nuts if I were in your situation.

 

If you really want to get out of the marriage then you need to find a way to take care of yourself financially.

[RecentChange]

I have a feeling that communication may be the issue because I can't make heads or tails of what has been written here.

[ChickiePops]

I'm in the wrong. This is not going to help at all.............Bye

 

Is this not going to help because you've realized you're in the wrong about your fight with her, or because nobody here is agreeing with you?

[BettyDraper]

If everyone divorced over matters as simple as unread texts, then no couples would be able to stay together at all. Since you titled this thread "role reversal", I'm wondering if you feel like less of a man because you stay at home and do not work outside the home. Maybe that's why you need your wife to constantly acknowledge your contributions.

 

Are you eligible for disability benefits?

 

I stay at home too but I am also very active in my community. I work with three different charities so that my life can having meaning outside of cooking and cleaning. I also like to contribute to society.

[GunslingerRoland]

[] The way that you are hung up on rules about texting, and can't handle it if a rule is broken isn't typical behavior.

 

And like others have said, the amount of housework you are doing sounds more than equivalent to a job. Be careful because if WCB or whoever pays your benefits sees you doing all of this stuff, they will take you to court and cut you off.

Edited October 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude ~6

[jen1447]

(I'll stick up for OP here since he's outnumbered and I have an appreciation for house-husbands ....)

 

OP, there's bscly only one answer here to your actual question - don't leave your wife. Your complaints do sound a little sketchy, but more importantly you literally have no way to support yourself, so until you do, you really have no practical alternative. I mean it's not like she's beating you or sth, and also the alternative is bscly becoming a homeless person, so yeah no I think you need to refocus and re-prioritize and maybe try to compromise and recover the marital magic.

 

Even if being your wife's husband is essentially your 'job,' that's better than the other prospects that are staring you in the face if you bail out.

[NTV]

So your disability... it causes you to nitpick stupid s***? It's like you're blowing things out of proportion and now you're doing it but don't know how to stop yourself from doing it. And rather than figure out a way to stop you're trying to leave.

 

It's not your job to make her happy. Her happiness is her responsibility and your happiness is your responsibility. Capiche?

 

But I'm not just going to bust your chops about this. I've got a real helpful solution that I think will work for you.

 

My recommendation to you is before you make any major life-changing decisions based on this stuff... start a journal. 6 months. By the end of that six months will either no for sure that it's time to go and how to do it... or you'll be on the road to fixing what's broken.

 

Can you do that?

[NTV]

Sorry one more recommendation... have you heard of the smartphone app or the website called meetup? You might have a disability but it may not stop you from writing an autobiography or something of that nature and you go to a writers Meetup... maybe make some new friends?

[Mr. Lucky]

This morning I decide that I do not want to talk to her because I don’t feel like it. She asks me if I want toast and I tell her I don’t want to talk to her.

 

 

You seem incredibly vested in treating each other like 4-year olds.

 

Marriage counseling would be a major step forward...

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I spent more than a decade supporting chronic pain patients. If you're willing to share your disability I may be able to help you with some very practical advise.

 

What's your ailment?

What medications do you take?

 

Depression & anxiety are very common with conditions that leave you unemployed. What do you do to manage this?

 

Until I know what's actually wrong I'm shooting in the dark.

 

 

We live in a society with a very high divorce rate. That figure is much higher when one of the couple has a debilitating illness. The probability of your marriage lasting is slim unless you accept this reality & work to avoid it.

 

The grass is rarely greener....that's even more true with a disabled partner!!

 

I found your post rather hard to understand. Your wife missed some emails, is mourning & rather depressed so she had an early night. She financially & emotionally supports you....very hard for BOTH in a marriage effected by illness. How do you get from that all the way to divorce??

[Bee4Shine]

Can I be honest here sir? I see this scenario arising in my marriage often. It comes from two imperfect, easily offended people living together. It is normal. The way you respond is what changes everything. Remember this phrase "A calm word, turns away wrath"? Give her the benefit of the doubt, take the high road, respond with a calm word my friend. Sacrifice being "right" for "peace". It is the only way and if you can accomplish this it will be returned to you 100 fold. For example in the texting situation "Oh I am sorry hon, you must not have seen my text about the ironing...." When she walked in to go to bed...."I am sorry you are so tired hon, let me know if you need anything." The toast incident "Sure, I will have a piece, how are you today?" You can turn your home into an oasis of peace, love and kindness. Divorce and leaving the marriage is not necessary. Transforming your responses is. I have been married for 27 years - I am 50 too. I know. I have been in your wife's shoes and in your shoes. A simple heartfelt "I'm sorry, can we start again?" Does amazing things for a intimate relationship. You can do this sir, you can make your marriage thrive.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, it seems to me the problem here is that OP's wife seems to have lost respect for him. A man who is not capable of earning and supporting his family himself suffers from self esteem issues and this lack of self esteem and the frustration of not being able to do anything about it makes him resentful. This probably leads to the person being unpalatable to be around. The wife probably feels that she is having to shoulder the entire burden of what should have been her husband's responsibility or at least a shared responsibility. Since the whole financial burden is on her shoulders and she sees her husband as a liability( in so far as he is not able to pull in a monthly paycheck) she has lost a lot of the original respect that she would have had for him.

 

Apart from that the OP's attitude seems to be guided by a pettiness and childishness that one would not expect from an adult. His wife's attitude too, seems to be guided by a lack of respect for him and thinking that maybe she could do better if only she got rid of him somehow. However if she does initiate divorce proceedings she may end up having to pay out a large settlement to him since he is not earning and is disabled. Talk of being caught between a rock and a hard place!

Edited October 15, 2016 by Just a Guy
Splitting post into paragraphs.

[lillybelle]

It sounds like you guys agreed you'd phone her and she will read texts when she's able to? Maybe she was busy or something slipped her mind, maybe her job is taxing on her.

That's great that you do so much around the house... so does your disability prevent you from doing cleaning or ironing outside of the home? People do ironing at home for money sometimes too. If you get the groceries then it seems you can leave the house?

Maybe she feels overworked and fed up and missing a text is insignificant in her day. She's probably communicating with lots of other people during the day, whereas you're mostly at home and just communicating with her it seems?

I was with my ex husband for 12 years and he refused to work with no disability, refused to have kids and was verbally and physically abusive. Even then I felt like it wasn't enough to divorce. Luckily I changed my stance on that... but are communication errors and squabbling reason for divorce?

Get to the deeper issues of why you're feeling this way. The texting thing is just a symptom. You feel like you can't make her happy. She sounds like she feels like she can't make you happy, and maybe she's also struggling to make people happy at work too, maybe you feel a bit inadequate, or less important. Maybe there's resentment about the disability, job, relocation, life choices and lifestyle etc. Maybe when she doesn't read your text, you're not just thinking it's annoying you and pissing you off and want a divorce like people are reading it as. Maybe you feel a bit miserable and lonely and isolated, maybe your identity has taken a hit, maybe she's all you've got in your life that's near you, maybe when she doesn't read your texts you feel like you're nothing to her. Either way, you both need way better communication.

[Els]

So you are expecting her to read texts ALL the time when she's at work??? Sorry but that's absolute bollocks, especially for a person well over the age of 18!

 

This doesn't even have anything to do with 'role reversal'. If a housewife threw a tantrum just because her husband hadn't read a text about her ironing (!!) while he was at work, my response would be exactly the same.

[Whoknew30]

Being a housewife the majority of my marriage...you're going through the "no one appreciates what I do" phase. It's completely normal.

 

Sit down & talk to her...I don't think you're feeling so great about yourself & starting to focus on petty things to reflect it back on her...I've done it. Also when you're not financially contributing to your household, it's very easy to feel stuck, which will take a toll on your mind. Stop making silly rules about texting & phone calls & take time to understand what's really going on with you...good luck