Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out

[eric1]

The only way you will find out what happened is to talk to his wife.

 

Moreso, it’s the ethical thing to do. Shouldn’t we have the same rights as you to be making the same decisions that you are?

[usa1ah]

So her children should be punished and lose their mother because of HER mistakes?

 

Do you know how devastating it is for a child to lose a parent? I agree that cheating is terrible and that SHE deserves to be punished for it but what did her kids do wrong? Why do they deserve such a heavy punishment?

 

Yes she should because of her mistake.

 

My mom cheated and I lost my dad for 11 years, was that fair to him or me?

 

My mom bad mouthed him every chance she got.

 

When I visited my dad for two weeks a summer he never said a bad thing about her. Actually asked if she was doing ok.

 

Went to live with my dad when the courts couldn’t keep to from happening. My siblings did as well.

[usa1ah]

You know at times kids are better off with out a parent that doesn’t give a damn about anyone other then them self.

[kittencupcake]

You know at times kids are better off with out a parent that doesn’t give a damn about anyone other then them self.

 

At times yes, but only if they are a bad parent or doing something that endangers the child. In this case she did something selfish but there is no reason to torture the kids.

 

You shouldn’t have had that happen either and I’m sorry you did.

[sandylee1]

If I had a way of getting the messages ... I would.

[usa1ah]

At times yes, but only if they are a bad parent or doing something that endangers the child. In this case she did something selfish but there is no reason to torture the kids.

 

You shouldn’t have had that happen either and I’m sorry you did.

 

And you honestly can’t say OP’s wife won’t do the same.

 

Thank you. It made me who I am today, a husband and a father that leaves no doubt in my kids mind that I love them.

[troubadour]

POLYGRAPH POLYGRAPH POLYGRAPH

 

If I'd were you I ask if there was any sexual contact you don't know about and if she still has feeling for him. I'd be sure she understood what the definition of sexual contact was.

 

 

Isn't it ironic that the individual who is trying to persuade the OP into submitting his wife to polygraph test is obviously ignorant about what kind of questions are actually allowed to be asked during such test. Oh well.

[GoldenR]

Isn't it ironic that the individual who is trying to persuade the OP into submitting his wife to polygraph test is obviously ignorant about what kind of questions are actually allowed to be asked during such test. Oh well.

 

Having had to take them very regularly bc of my job, I'm very aware of how polygraphs work, and I don't see anything they said that couldn't be covered in a polygraph. It's not about what's "allowed", it's about how they're worded.

[troubadour]

Having had to take them very regularly bc of my job, I'm very aware of how polygraphs work, and I don't see anything they said that couldn't be covered in a polygraph. It's not about what's "allowed", it's about how they're worded.

 

 

Sorry dude but no reputable polygraph examiner will allow questions about "feelings" regardless how they are worded. I hope it helps....

[merrmeade]

If you choose to believe that they never got physical that's your prerogative. You know her and none of the rest of us does.

It's not really helpful to let BSs believe this same old story just because they want to. I have read this SO many times here although my own story was the first time it ever came up for me. At that time, I was doing this same song and dance because, well, that's what he TOLD me - that there was no intercourse, just a hand job with this one and no intercourse, just feel-ups with that one and no intercourse, but, hey, wait a minute ... after several months, then years here I finally figured out that I was just one of many who'd been fed that load of crap by my WS.

 

The fact is that, if you can't prove it, they won't admit to more than you know. Hence, all the nonsense stories about heavy petting between people who've been sexually active for 2/3 of their lives should be stemmed at the source. There are just so many reasons to accept that intercourse IS what happens between adults who have the hots for each other and have already trashed their boundaries. Why would they NOT go for the whole experience if they're in private?

 

So I was indulged, too, in my inability to question his veracity about the no- or limited-sexual contact fantasies. People didn't want to hurt me more, but I think the real hurt is being allowed to believe that your spouse is the exception. I'm sorry I guess but not really. You need to assume it was more than less on this subject.

 

The kind and respectful thing, I think, is to keep saying it: Grown men and women who are sharing emotional and physical intimacy just don't stop with teenage petting for months on end. They have sex because they can.

Edited October 24, 2017 by merrmeade

[40somethingGuy]

It's not really helpful to let BSs believe this same old story just because they want to. I have read this SO many times here although my own story was the first time it ever came up for me. At that time, I was doing this same song and dance because, well, that's what he TOLD me - that there was no intercourse, just a hand job with this one and no intercourse, just feel-ups with that one and no intercourse, but, hey, wait a minute ... after several months, then years here I finally figured out that I was just one of many who'd been fed that load of crap by my WS.

 

The fact is that, if you can't prove it, they won't admit to more than you know. Hence, all the nonsense stories about heavy petting between people who've been sexually active for 2/3 of their lives should be stemmed at the source. There are just so many reasons to accept that intercourse IS what happens between adults who have the hots for each other and have already trashed their boundaries. Why would they NOT go for the whole experience if they're in private?

 

So I was indulged, too, in my inability to question his veracity about the no- or limited-sexual contact fantasies. People didn't want to hurt me more, but I think the real hurt is being allowed to believe that your spouse is the exception. I'm sorry I guess but not really. You need to assume it was more than less on this subject.

 

The kind and respectful thing, I think, is to keep saying it: Grown men and women who are sharing emotional and physical intimacy just don't stop with teenage petting for months on end. They have sex because they can.

 

Well, on wondering what happened I have closure. I bugged the OM again because I decided not to get texts. As I said before, I am job hunting and placed an application at a certain German company and after I sent it the next day or so I had this strong gut feel it was the OMs company. It was in the general area I knew he worked and in the kind of technical equipment that he dealt in and was German. Not wanting to find out after the fact I contacted him to ask if that is where he works. It was. So, that place is out for me! However, after he gave me the skinny on what it is like to work there I did take the chance to ask some final questions. He was candid. He said my wife actually talked about the good sex we had and she never wanted to do anything to hurt our relationship (in other words she cant get caught). He asked if she was unhappy with me and she said no it had more to do with him and him being the one that got away that she never felt a resolution with. Plenty of talk on texts and on Easter Sunday he got in a fight with his wife and out of spite contacted my wife and basically and basically told her he wanted to hook up. So, they met in the park on their lunch break 2 days later. He said as he was driving to the park he started to really feel disgusted with himself and just wanted the whole thing to end (saw texts basically confirming this after the fact). My wife moved in to kiss him and he said no. He did grab her boobs and smacked her ass (she told me this too last year). She offered to jerk him off he said no. She offered to blow him. He said no and then started to make small talk and said he had to go. Google Location history showed about 25 minutes in the park total. I do recall her being on her period at that time and he said that he still wouldn't have bc he was impotent at the time. Thinks she would have offered if she wasn't on her period. So, in my mind she did all those things due to intent. Basically I figured this stuff out but finally got confirmation from the source. I did have a spy when they both were chaperoning their kids field trip last May and my wife appeared to ignore him completely. She has behaved since but I still check from time to time text records etc.

[merrmeade]

I agree. That sounds convincing on all counts. No holes. Everything corroborates. Go in peace.

[Cullenbohannon]

I have increased my vocabulary since reading this forum. New words like "gaslighting" "blameshifting" etc.

 

Is this the definition of "pain shopping" ?

[kittencupcake]

It's not really helpful to let BSs believe this same old story just because they want to. I have read this SO many times here although my own story was the first time it ever came up for me. At that time, I was doing this same song and dance because, well, that's what he TOLD me - that there was no intercourse, just a hand job with this one and no intercourse, just feel-ups with that one and no intercourse, but, hey, wait a minute ... after several months, then years here I finally figured out that I was just one of many who'd been fed that load of crap by my WS.

 

The fact is that, if you can't prove it, they won't admit to more than you know. Hence, all the nonsense stories about heavy petting between people who've been sexually active for 2/3 of their lives should be stemmed at the source. There are just so many reasons to accept that intercourse IS what happens between adults who have the hots for each other and have already trashed their boundaries. Why would they NOT go for the whole experience if they're in private?

 

So I was indulged, too, in my inability to question his veracity about the no- or limited-sexual contact fantasies. People didn't want to hurt me more, but I think the real hurt is being allowed to believe that your spouse is the exception. I'm sorry I guess but not really. You need to assume it was more than less on this subject.

 

The kind and respectful thing, I think, is to keep saying it: Grown men and women who are sharing emotional and physical intimacy just don't stop with teenage petting for months on end. They have sex because they can.

 

One can only try so many times to pull someone's head out of the sand before it becomes pointless. Some people genuinely don't want to know the truth. However it looks like the OP has done his due diligence regardless so in this case, it's moot.

[Dopedog]

Well, on wondering what happened I have closure. I bugged the OM again because I decided not to get texts. As I said before, I am job hunting and placed an application at a certain German company and after I sent it the next day or so I had this strong gut feel it was the OMs company. It was in the general area I knew he worked and in the kind of technical equipment that he dealt in and was German. Not wanting to find out after the fact I contacted him to ask if that is where he works. It was. So, that place is out for me! However, after he gave me the skinny on what it is like to work there I did take the chance to ask some final questions. He was candid. He said my wife actually talked about the good sex we had and she never wanted to do anything to hurt our relationship (in other words she cant get caught). He asked if she was unhappy with me and she said no it had more to do with him and him being the one that got away that she never felt a resolution with. Plenty of talk on texts and on Easter Sunday he got in a fight with his wife and out of spite contacted my wife and basically and basically told her he wanted to hook up. So, they met in the park on their lunch break 2 days later. He said as he was driving to the park he started to really feel disgusted with himself and just wanted the whole thing to end (saw texts basically confirming this after the fact). My wife moved in to kiss him and he said no. He did grab her boobs and smacked her ass (she told me this too last year). She offered to jerk him off he said no. She offered to blow him. He said no and then started to make small talk and said he had to go. Google Location history showed about 25 minutes in the park total. I do recall her being on her period at that time and he said that he still wouldn't have bc he was impotent at the time. Thinks she would have offered if she wasn't on her period. So, in my mind she did all those things due to intent. Basically I figured this stuff out but finally got confirmation from the source. I did have a spy when they both were chaperoning their kids field trip last May and my wife appeared to ignore him completely. She has behaved since but I still check from time to time text records etc.

 

You can't believe a single word either tells you. Honestly, I'd put money on the act they had sex. The only way your going to know is if she takes a polygraph. It probably won't even get to the point she has to take it. People usually confess in the parking lot or a couple days prior.

[Dopedog]

 

It's your life and your call but helping hide the affair doesn't get you much IMO.

 

Usually from what I've seen it just enables it to go underground plus if that's all that's keeping her in your marriage you don't have one anyway.

 

He's not scared of you just grateful

 

 

The right thing to do is tell his wife. 40 something is rug sweeping. His punishment is a life of doubt. He will never be able to trust his wife, never know what really happened, etc. also the OM is gaslighting. He is telling him exactly what he wants to hear. It's also pretty obvious his wife and OM got their story straight.

 

I'd gamble they had sex. Worked out this story so OM wife wouldn't find out. OM seems like he is a smooth talker. He is gas lighting. They probably stopped the affair. But he shouldn't trust his wife.

[Chaparral]

I don’t see the point of still questioning whether or not they had sex. What is the difference in what she did do and what she says she didn’t do? She wanted to do everything she could think of with him and says she would have.

 

If you can accept that then do everything you can to work on your marriage and keep your family intact. It’s not like you don’t know what you’re getting into. In my book she is a cheater. That means to me she doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do to her. If you can accept she is willing to go behind your back and betray you in the worst way that’s what you do. Whatever she says matters not. Her actions are what you pay attention too.

 

Remember this, simply by taking her back after the disrespect she has shown you, seriously damages her respect for even more. It lowers you in her eyes even if it is subconsciously.

[Overtaxed]

I don’t see the point of still questioning whether or not they had sex. What is the difference in what she did do and what she says she didn’t do? She wanted to do everything she could think of with him and says she would have.

 

If you can accept that then do everything you can to work on your marriage and keep your family intact. It’s not like you don’t know what you’re getting into. In my book she is a cheater. That means to me she doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do to her. If you can accept she is willing to go behind your back and betray you in the worst way that’s what you do. Whatever she says matters not. Her actions are what you pay attention too.

 

Remember this, simply by taking her back after the disrespect she has shown you, seriously damages her respect for even more. It lowers you in her eyes even if it is subconsciously.

 

Great advice, actions, actions actions! What she says, honestly, matters less than 0, she's used words to manipulate you once, don't let her do it again. If she's not taking the actions you want, that tells you what you need to know.

 

Unfortunately the last part is unique to us BM, and man does it suck. Whena man cheats and the W takes us back, most are grateful and think to themselves "I have a great woman, what was I thinking". When a woman cheats and the man takes her back, she thinks "Why is he so weak, I wish I had a strong man like my AP". Now, of course, not everyone does this, and even then, I don't think most think it openly. But it's there, no matter what. Same reason men don't say anything when their wives cheat where wives generally unload on their friends/family when the husband cheats. Wife cheating actually damages the man's standing in the community more than him actually being the cheat would. Male cheat is a womanizer, male cheated on is a cuck.

 

It's really hard to get past this part, you have to forgive, but not be weak at the same time. That's a hard line to walk.

[knabe]

When a woman cheats and the man takes her back, she thinks "Why is he so weak, I wish I had a strong man like my AP".

 

It's always funny when a dog tells everyone what all cats think.

 

Women are not a hive mind, and men who think they are rarely recover because they are so married to being right.

 

OP, no one here but your wife knows what she feels for you. End of story. Period. A man who actually DOES know what all women think is probably a woman.

[Dopedog]

I don’t see the point of still questioning whether or not they had sex. What is the difference in what she did do and what she says she didn’t do? .

 

I'll tell you why it matters. Because she is probably still lying about it. If she is lying about that what else is she lying about?