Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out

[merrmeade]

Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.

ExACTly. They don't acknowledge, much less understand, the contradiction between professed values and actions.

[40somethingGuy]

Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.

 

Wife explained to me that he was 'the one that got away' from back in the day. The one that circumstances from past kept from getting closure. I don't want this to hijack the thread but he told her this time that he still could never be with her in a relationship that physical was the most he'd go (before he chickened out and broke it off) because my wife slept with his best friend and he could never commit to her. In fact, he twice actually asked my wife to hook him up with her bestie that is single. My wife was hurt. What I can't get over is how obsessed she was over this guy despite being completely disrespected that way. And I will say it- I do not know what is sexy about an obese 370 plus pound mound of hairy cellulite with yellow teeth and a so-so job? I am a good looking guy, in shape who has an excellent job and plenty of women compliment my dress and overall appearance. Wife told me that he was the only guy in the world who was even a threat to me and it turns out he lives around the corner. She told the therapist that she was no longer in love with him and the therapist told me that she believes my wife. I just don't know how someone can not see or hear from another for 15 years, immediately fall for them hard basically saying they always wondered what happened to them, have a texting based affair that was VERY steamy (S&M talk and lots of it) only to now say that they are over him now, this quickly. Lastly, I will add, that I have been getting home a little later since July (20 minutes later than usual) because there is a road that is now a toll and it affects the route I take by having more people on it. But, she got jealous about a month ago convinced that I was seeing someone else between getting off work and getting home. This is when I was pulling away and not pursuing her. She got real concerned. Funny that she was worried I was cheating when she and I knew what she was up to.

[Bryanp]

This is very typical of cheaters.

They project their own behavior on others.

I believe that this is quite telling about her.

[40somethingGuy]

In a way, the best revenge is the humiliation she felt from this knowing that I spoke many times to him and she was in total disbelief that I was able to tell details that could have only come from him. The fact that her husband confronted and got LOTS of info from him was just the ultimate humiliation for her. And IF I do decide to leave, I will do it when she is starting to feel great about things again and I will want it to hurt. My attitude is that I am the prize and I know it. I am good looking, stable, great dad, very good job, loyal, and now very self aware and confident. I just love my boys too much right now to put anyone through pain. I feel I can take my time and see how I feel over the next few months.

[40somethingGuy]

At the risk of sounding naïve, I will say that I am sure my wife was faithful to me up until this point. She was very much different b4 running into the lard arse. I knew her schedules, she was always around and really had no opportunity to cheat. The only time was over lunch and that was usually spent with me at least 4 if not all 5 days. We had sex more often etc. She did tell me that she was kind of promiscuous back in the day (she was raped by a relative that lived with them from 9 to 11 years old and her mom blamed her for making him do it...I know really sick stuff) b/c attention from men is what made her feel good about herself. When she met me she knew I was the husband material she always wanted and she basically just turned her back on her past life and moved forward with me. Told me that I was the 1st guy who loved her for who she was and not bc she was a hot girl who was easy. She alluded to sex partners of her past but told me after she was exposed she never told me the extent of her number of past partners. I would think the same thing you all are but I have dug in her past, looked at her Google location history, texts and calls from years back and it is all boring stuff which is good. It wasn't until the hairy jackass came around that she was different. I will say that she now shares her passwords with me and is trying to show she is not hiding anything. I think she is coming back to how she was pre-phat arse fever but time will tell and if I pull the plug and hurt her oh well..

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[merrmeade]

At the risk of sounding naïve, I will say that I am sure my wife was faithful to me up until this point. She was very much different b4 running into the lard arse. I knew her schedules, she was always around and really had no opportunity to cheat. The only time was over lunch and that was usually spent with me at least 4 if not all 5 days. We had sex more often etc. She did tell me that she was kind of promiscuous back in the day (she was raped by a relative that lived with them from 9 to 11 years old and her mom blamed her for making him do it...I know really sick stuff) b/c attention from men is what made her feel good about herself. When she met me she knew I was the husband material she always wanted and she basically just turned her back on her past life and moved forward with me. Told me that I was the 1st guy who loved her for who she was and not bc she was a hot girl who was easy. She alluded to sex partners of her past but told me after she was exposed she never told me the extent of her number of past partners. I would think the same thing you all are but I have dug in her past, looked at her Google location history, texts and calls from years back and it is all boring stuff which is good. It wasn't until the hairy jackass came around that she was different. I will say that she now shares her passwords with me and is trying to show she is not hiding anything. I think she is coming back to how she was pre-phat arse fever but time will tell and if I pull the plug and hurt her oh well..

Wow, sounds like WW really will benefit from long-term IC. She must have some huge self-image issues to deal with. I hope she does so you don't feel like you have to. Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

And IF I do decide to leave, I will do it when she is starting to feel great about things again and I will want it to hurt.

 

I think she is coming back to how she was pre-phat arse fever but time will tell and if I pull the plug and hurt her oh well..

 

I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else...

 

Mr. Lucky

Agree. Vindictive is no way to live.

[40somethingGuy]

I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What is BS stand for in your note?

[Wade Lamare]

What is BS stand for in your note?

 

Betrayed Spouse

[Wade Lamare]

There is a list of common abbreviations somewhere.

 

BW = Betrayed Wife

BH = Betrayed Husband

POSOM = Piece of **** Other Man

OM = Other Man

OW = Other Woman

NC = No Contact

AP = Affair Partner

[sandylee1]

Two things would make me weary and not stay in the marriage.

 

Firstly ....she lied about who he was. (And she met up with him even though you were against it)

 

Secondly ... he ended it and she was the one begging to keep it going.

 

The trust required would cause ongoing problems and I'd feel like she was just faithful by circumstance and not choice.

[spanz1]

should you stay or go? hard to tell.

 

 

If i were to guess from the limited data, and your physical description of the other man....i would guess there is something seriously missing in her sex life that this guy provided. you mention S&M...maybe he is a Dom and very skilled in S&M sex moves. Maybe she NEEDS this. Maybe she was into S&M before you met her, knew this guy as being skilled, and then lost track of him.

 

 

She meets you, sizes you up as being "vanilla" in the sex department, and puts on a persona of being a vanilla loving wife. But, having tasted that wicked fruit, was really missing it all the time you were married. Then this old Dom shows up, and she got instantly horny and had to see him.

 

 

If my guess about all this is true...then her just going no contact on this one guy is NOT going to fix anything. She tried to lead a vanilla sex life, and it just did not work for her. She had to cheat to bring it back. She may be able to go a while without the S&M sex, maybe even years, but eventually the desire will overpower her again

 

 

So unless you either can become more alpha and be her Dom, Or unless you are willing to let her be "married, but owned by someone else"....well it does not look all that good.

 

 

BTW, her vanilla loving wifely faccade for you might have been the "madonna/whore" syndrome. That is how she was able to do the things she did.

 

 

one trivia fact that might be of use...there IS such a thing as a non-sexual Dom. i.e. he is dominant, and owns her when they are together, but the clothes stay on. It is more related to her service, or his tying her (while clothed) up with rope, etc.

Edited October 15, 2016 by spanz1

[Lion Heart]

In a way, the best revenge is the humiliation she felt from this knowing that I spoke many times to him and she was in total disbelief that I was able to tell details that could have only come from him. The fact that her husband confronted and got LOTS of info from him was just the ultimate humiliation for her. And IF I do decide to leave, I will do it when she is starting to feel great about things again and I will want it to hurt. My attitude is that I am the prize and I know it. I am good looking, stable, great dad, very good job, loyal, and now very self aware and confident. I just love my boys too much right now to put anyone through pain. I feel I can take my time and see how I feel over the next few months.

 

40SG

 

Here's some evidence of following a gut instinct (when you're a BS) that you're not EVER gonna get the full story, if you need it, from your WS.

 

It's AMAZING just how MUCH information the AP is willing to throw up. I don't care what the APs motivation IS, I just want information about the person I was MARRIED to.

 

I can just imagine the shock of the OM in your case, 40.

The OWs over here too lol.

As my friend said "It'd be quite comical if it wasn't so sad". When the sadness begins to subside, a BS realizes that they're all just a bunch of clowns ruining people's lives with their somersaults. I choose to leave their 3 ringed circus. They can do whatever they choose WITHOUT me as a spectator. :-)

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think 40SG is out. But for the kids. Honourable to a point... the kids DO NEED 1 good parent.

 

For some BSs who thought their M was a forever thing, we hang in there for a long a***d while. I can kinda see 40 going through a similar process to me. Boiling points along the way, disgust in the FORM of the AP, simmering at times, counselling giving the opportunity for a middle finger at the WS, seeing a spike in attention from the WS but knowing it's fake.

 

Then REALIZING a better person would see who we are.

KNOWING there are way better people out there to partner off with.

Resenting the WS and all the crap they did to us during their A.

 

Then simmering.

Not really caring one way or the other whether the M survives at all.

 

Then the COOLEST feeling of all. DETACHMENT.

 

I got to the point where I couldn't care less whether WH was happy or sad. Suffering or inert. Dead or alive. I was done when I was done and I KNEW THAT MOMENT. But it was a very long time coming and the process is what I've outlined above.

 

I have zero respect for exWH. I only follow the law in respect to WH. Nothing more. ICY COLD. NC except when necessary.

 

Except for possible future charges to lay and making him responsible for the children. He is dead to me. (And paying for his own funeral now).

 

Happy days.

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

Just in addition to #39.....

 

I felt this way too.

 

You KNOW IT BUDDY!!!! YOU ARE WORTH WAAAAAY more than this.

 

But to dwell on the revenge thing a while. Sure! I TOTALLY GET THAT. Felt the same way and actually did nothing lol.

 

UNTIL WW has your heart, capacity for love and commitment, she'll never feel the depth of anything you've felt.

 

After a while you'll give up that thought BUT DO FOCUS ONLY on yourself!!!!!! And your kids.

 

The 180 tells us this and MAN IT WORKS!!!

For me it worked to put MYSELF together and eventually not give a crap about WH whining.

 

When you've got a gut full of the information. You HAVE TO concentrate on YOURSELF.

 

There ARE so many gorgeous women out there. Let WW have her next fat MM. Who cares. At least you won't be paying for her next A.

 

When I read here that THE BEST REVENGE IS TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE I thought nah. I want ALOT MORE THAN that. I wanted vengeance lol.

 

But I gave up caring. Focussed on me. What I WANTED in my future. I wrote my LIST of my next partner. Etcetera.

 

The relationship I have now is like comparing a supermodel with a draining leech on my arm. It's that stark the difference. I had another M proposal this year too. And too many offers of dates etc. I was already taken lol.

 

Don't let WWs CHOICES of sex partner EVER influence YOUR opinion of yourself. She was with something at her own level. Remember that.

 

So having a GOOD life as the best revenge is true.

While I fly out to meet my gorgeous bf again, WH can't afford gas to drive 20m to see his kids.

While we have 2 homes in different countries, WH lives in someone else's back yard.

While he gets dropt like hotcakes once his new fling finds out he was a serial cheater to his W and 3 kids, I have a faithful man and I'm his faithful lady.

 

So having a Fairy Tale love affair all over the world sure beats BEING kept in these 4 walls working 24/7 for an unremorseful cheat. HANDS DOWN.

 

Once you realize you DON'T HAVE TO STAY with an unfaithful spouse and do get out, the world is your oyster.

 

It's lovely!

 

Lion Heart

[40somethingGuy]

I did get to mind f*** the OM and literally had him tell me that he's my b****. And I have treated him that way. Told him so long as I get 100% truth and many questions I ask I know the answer to and others I don't so they all better be truthful. Basically, he has offered up stuff I didn't even ask about.

 

 

As far as WS goes, she really has nothing but the kids without me. She has no family to speak of anymore and has acknowledged she knows she would be alone without me. While this is NO EXCUSE at all for her actions, she was going thru a time where she had some major changes in her job that begun to depress her, some issues with our son, and basically was getting depressed- mid life crisis like. Then, by pure chance (and yes I know this was a chance occurance that went wrong) she runs into him and those feelings of the day when they could be kids/young adults without responsibility overwhelmed her. She did not pursue since she wasn't sure if he was happily married but when he indicated to her direct that he was attracted to her still and was not happily married himself, it was too much for her. Up until this time, we had a very good marriage and that is what kills me. Sure we had life circumstances that were not fun that we endured, but we did have a good marriage. I never would have ever dreamed that she would risk this. I know from her texts and from him that she made it clear that she didn't want to do anything to risk what her and I had (translate I CANT GET CAUGHT) but she really thought she could get a distraction from reality and never really considered the end game and got to see her greatest fear- a really hurt me. I do know my struggles to get over this hurts her. I know she said many times how this A was not worth it. Right now I am just going to worry about me and decide when I am ready what my best options are. I already told her moving this spring is 100%. Either we stay together and move or I leave her and we have to move by selling the house and splitting it. Whatever route I take, I know I will not have to live so close to that walking lard arse.

Edited October 17, 2016 by 40somethingGuy

[ladydesigner]

At the risk of sounding naïve, I will say that I am sure my wife was faithful to me up until this point. She was very much different b4 running into the lard arse. I knew her schedules, she was always around and really had no opportunity to cheat. The only time was over lunch and that was usually spent with me at least 4 if not all 5 days. We had sex more often etc. She did tell me that she was kind of promiscuous back in the day (she was raped by a relative that lived with them from 9 to 11 years old and her mom blamed her for making him do it...I know really sick stuff) b/c attention from men is what made her feel good about herself. When she met me she knew I was the husband material she always wanted and she basically just turned her back on her past life and moved forward with me. Told me that I was the 1st guy who loved her for who she was and not bc she was a hot girl who was easy. She alluded to sex partners of her past but told me after she was exposed she never told me the extent of her number of past partners. I would think the same thing you all are but I have dug in her past, looked at her Google location history, texts and calls from years back and it is all boring stuff which is good. It wasn't until the hairy jackass came around that she was different. I will say that she now shares her passwords with me and is trying to show she is not hiding anything. I think she is coming back to how she was pre-phat arse fever but time will tell and if I pull the plug and hurt her oh well..

 

I'm sorry but this had me lmfao

 

OP take your time in deciding what to do. You are most likely in the anger phase. I went absolutely nutso so I get it.

[40somethingGuy]

should you stay or go? hard to tell.

 

 

If i were to guess from the limited data, and your physical description of the other man....i would guess there is something seriously missing in her sex life that this guy provided. you mention S&M...maybe he is a Dom and very skilled in S&M sex moves. Maybe she NEEDS this. Maybe she was into S&M before you met her, knew this guy as being skilled, and then lost track of him.

 

 

She meets you, sizes you up as being "vanilla" in the sex department, and puts on a persona of being a vanilla loving wife. But, having tasted that wicked fruit, was really missing it all the time you were married. Then this old Dom shows up, and she got instantly horny and had to see him.

 

 

If my guess about all this is true...then her just going no contact on this one guy is NOT going to fix anything. She tried to lead a vanilla sex life, and it just did not work for her. She had to cheat to bring it back. She may be able to go a while without the S&M sex, maybe even years, but eventually the desire will overpower her again

 

 

So unless you either can become more alpha and be her Dom, Or unless you are willing to let her be "married, but owned by someone else"....well it does not look all that good.

 

 

BTW, her vanilla loving wifely faccade for you might have been the "madonna/whore" syndrome. That is how she was able to do the things she did.

 

 

one trivia fact that might be of use...there IS such a thing as a non-sexual Dom. i.e. he is dominant, and owns her when they are together, but the clothes stay on. It is more related to her service, or his tying her (while clothed) up with rope, etc.

 

You may be closer to some of the problem with this post. The OM is kinky over texts. He texted her one night a 'story' about basically breaking into our house, her coming downstairs to investigate the noise, him grabbing her and telling her to be quiet where he then tied her up, put her underwear in her mouth as a gag and then went down on her. He described in his story how she tastes etc and then he stopped the story. She, of course, wanted to know how it ended up and he made her send vagina pics to finish the story which she did. Basically he screwed her in the story in our home with me sleeping upstairs. When I confronted him he told me the story he told her. Imagine how she felt when I confronted her with this? She knew he was talking like crazy and it humiliated her.

 

 

A month later I went to the store and got a beginners S&M kit and we went away out of town. At the hotel, I cuffed her, blind folded her, ball gagged her, and whipped her on the butt amongst other things. She has always liked me spanking her arse hard during sex (always been that way) and I do think she likes to bee dominated. Of course, as I said somewhere earlier in this thread, she was a sexual abuse victim as a child. But when I did ask her right after D DAY what unmet need am I not providing she said, 'you can't provide it as you are not taboo.' I wonder if monogamy is something she is having a hard time with given how she was before me and I know being faithful is what she wants. I think I am going to have a talk where I tell her that we need to get away and be very kinky with each other- even have part of our date night at a sex toy shop to see what we can do.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I may be a bit more controlling but from the start, no way my wife goes to lunch with another man. That wouldn't fly with me.

 

 

I would have to be 1000% sure my wife didn't have sex or anything even close for me to consider reconciling. With what your wife was texting i'd have trouble they didn't do anything more than jr. high boy-girl stuff.

 

 

If I were in your shoes and early 40s and in good shape like you said I'd be jumping at the chance of the single life again.

[40somethingGuy]

UPDATE: As fate would have it, guess who I randomly ran into last night at the store- THE OM. He didn't hide from me and was very much direct. Asked if we were OK and mentioned he is looking to move. Told him that I hope he does. One thing he did say to me is that at least twice my wife drove past him in the neighborhood (he lives 2 streets away) and knows she saw him but gave no emotion towards him at all. No smiling, no waving, nothing. He said he didn't either but this is one thing he volunteered to me in the cereal aisle. So that does help.

[DKT3]

UPDATE: As fate would have it, guess who I randomly ran into last night at the store- THE OM. He didn't hide from me and was very much direct. Asked if we were OK and mentioned he is looking to move. Told him that I hope he does. One thing he did say to me is that at least twice my wife drove past him in the neighborhood (he lives 2 streets away) and knows she saw him but gave no emotion towards him at all. No smiling, no waving, nothing. He said he didn't either but this is one thing he volunteered to me in the cereal aisle. So that does help.

 

Unless they are together blowing smoke up your backside....that seems to me to be a really odd conversation, even more odd that he would volunteer that information...sounds like a snow job to me.

[40somethingGuy]

Unless they are together blowing smoke up your backside....that seems to me to be a really odd conversation, even more odd that he would volunteer that information...sounds like a snow job to me.

 

This is legit. I asked if they ever made contact again or if they did make contact again what would he say and he volunteered that.

[Grapesofwrath]

40: How did it feel to run into him like that? Given his proximity to your house, what is likelihood that this will continue to happen? and how will you handle it?

[40somethingGuy]

40: How did it feel to run into him like that? Given his proximity to your house, what is likelihood that this will continue to happen? and how will you handle it?

 

 

This is the 1st time running into him. Not something I expect but always possible. He is planning to move but it doesn't seem imminent as of now. I hated running into him but he is candid and I did feel better after since that 1- he knows he was a POS to do that and 2- my wife could be over him if she wont even acknowledge him. I know he likely thought (based on the many questions he was asked of me around D DAY) that the no expressions or waving was important to me. He does email me if he has to be at the school for whatever to make sure we are not and if we are- he drops out. For example, he was going to chaperone the class field trip 6 weeks after I found out (his kid and my kid are in same grade at same school but different teachers). I told him my wife was planning to also do it so he needed to drop out and he did.