Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out

[Lion Heart]

I did not react the way I thought I would in this situation but I wasn't going to have a knee jerk reaction. I thought long and hard about balancing launching her vs not being there every day for my kids. Now, if the marriage was going to be forever crap then staying was not best for the kids but I had a timeline in place to see if and when we'd heal. I can see her drawing closer to me a little more every day. I am satisfied that the AP and her are over. Now, I still snoop but overall pleased with what I am seeing and not seeing. A month ago she collapsed at my feet and balled her eyes out for all the crap she did and that I was the only person her whole life who truly loved her and supported her (her parents were garbage). We are more intimate than before. There are some things that are not the greatest yet but overall the past 2 month or so have been really good and am willing to see if she continues to let us build. She knows that I will have a quick hook if the bs ever comes back but I too will do a better job of protecting the relationship. My choice to stick this out was not easy and one that not everyone in my life understood. Maybe it burns me but if it does, then I know to move on without regret. I am in control of this.

 

Shard this post was confident and self-assured. You're doing so well in such a short time. Short imo.

 

Without any attempts to shake YOUR individual foundation, and in addition I want to add you are NOT responsible for your W wife's actions in the past nor future.

 

From my perspective your WW is doing a series of "cosmetic procedures" on your M. Maybe she's doing her VERY best!? IDK. But she can't fix her FOO issues BY HERSELF. If she could have, she would have by now.

 

Being a CSA victim is MAJOR STUFF 40!

ALARMING as it SHOULD BE.

As many members here have pointed out to you.

 

We just CANNOT even begin to understand how these sexual assaults CHANGED your WW as a child.

 

Without her FACING these shocking occurrences in her childhood, she cannot address herself, her insatiable needs for external validation. M should have been enough.

 

YOU and your children and family life were enough.

WW was in deficit mode and may always be without the appropriate therapies for her healing.

 

HINDSIGHT is both a wonderful thing and an a$$ lol.

 

Had I KNOWN VWH had witnessed his sisters being repeatedly groomed and sexually assaulted as children, I believe I would have run a thousand miles instantly.

I'm just not qualified to support such victims and their children. I believe VWH was too...far too much anger against specific priests in his religion RENOWNED for paedophilia (those priests visited their home weekly and have not been charged. Anger towards the innocent priests would not be present, unless he knew more).

 

Anyway THESE occurrences came out 9 months after D Day. For 17+ years VWH had hidden this and much more from me and the world. I expected his mother to hold him and support him. No. She abused and chastised him. The little boy inside forced to hold family and religious secrets because SHE must've been complicit.

 

It's a HORRIBLE web CSA victims live and find any ways to SURVIVE in.

 

After I took VWH to our GP and she immediately prescribed meds to him. Referred him to a Psychiatrist and psychologist. HE AGREED it was time to deal.

Either those specialists are FREE HERE or $10!

 

He did not disclose the most important issues. His CSA.

 

No wonder he groomed women! It's what gave him POWER he never had as a child.

 

I told you all this because your WW groomed OM.

SHE pushed and pushed (as VWH did too - so much evidence going back years) OM for sex.

 

People will want to MINIMIZE her actions BECAUSE she's a woman.

 

A man would be called a sexual predator.

It's a sexual inequality in our society NOT to call women who predate such. They are except that so many men would jump at the chance. Luckily OM in your WWs path halted it.

 

Our MC coined VWH a "sexual predator" almost immediately to us both. They "wanted it" or "asked for it" apparently. He said. The phone records show the opposite.

 

Of all the cheating people I know, especially the predatorial type - serial cheats esp. So far they ALL had trauma from CSA. One friend has been in IC quite intensively for 6y now!

He's an intelligent person. VERY actually. Famous here. Successful business man too.

I'm the only person who knows all this besides his IC.

He discloses parts to support friends who's partners have cheated. And the WS too.

But he's told me the gory details since I've known him since we were children.

Then he proposed this year and ofcourse I'm in a committed relationship with my bf. I would never forsake the man of my dreams (or any man previously for that matter lol).

 

I turned him down.

Even without my gorgeous bf, I would never GO THERE.

Never.

 

Can your WW seek the help she needs?

It can be a torrid time but she CAN COME out of this cleansed.

I hope this for her. For you and your children too.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[40somethingGuy]

Shard this post was confident and self-assured. You're doing so well in such a short time. Short imo.

 

Without any attempts to shake YOUR individual foundation, and in addition I want to add you are NOT responsible for your W wife's actions in the past nor future.

 

From my perspective your WW is doing a series of "cosmetic procedures" on your M. Maybe she's doing her VERY best!? IDK. But she can't fix her FOO issues BY HERSELF. If she could have, she would have by now.

 

Being a CSA victim is MAJOR STUFF 40!

ALARMING as it SHOULD BE.

As many members here have pointed out to you.

 

We just CANNOT even begin to understand how these sexual assaults CHANGED your WW as a child.

 

Without her FACING these shocking occurrences in her childhood, she cannot address herself, her insatiable needs for external validation. M should have been enough.

 

YOU and your children and family life were enough.

WW was in deficit mode and may always be without the appropriate therapies for her healing.

 

HINDSIGHT is both a wonderful thing and an a$$ lol.

 

Had I KNOWN VWH had witnessed his sisters being repeatedly groomed and sexually assaulted as children, I believe I would have run a thousand miles instantly.

I'm just not qualified to support such victims and their children. I believe VWH was too...far too much anger against specific priests in his religion RENOWNED for paedophilia (those priests visited their home weekly and have not been charged. Anger towards the innocent priests would not be present, unless he knew more).

 

Anyway THESE occurrences came out 9 months after D Day. For 17+ years VWH had hidden this and much more from me and the world. I expected his mother to hold him and support him. No. She abused and chastised him. The little boy inside forced to hold family and religious secrets because SHE must've been complicit.

 

It's a HORRIBLE web CSA victims live and find any ways to SURVIVE in.

 

After I took VWH to our GP and she immediately prescribed meds to him. Referred him to a Psychiatrist and psychologist. HE AGREED it was time to deal.

Either those specialists are FREE HERE or $10!

 

He did not disclose the most important issues. His CSA.

 

No wonder he groomed women! It's what gave him POWER he never had as a child.

 

I told you all this because your WW groomed OM.

SHE pushed and pushed (as VWH did too - so much evidence going back years) OM for sex.

 

People will want to MINIMIZE her actions BECAUSE she's a woman.

 

A man would be called a sexual predator.

It's a sexual inequality in our society NOT to call women who predate such. They are except that so many men would jump at the chance. Luckily OM in your WWs path halted it.

 

Our MC coined VWH a "sexual predator" almost immediately to us both. They "wanted it" or "asked for it" apparently. He said. The phone records show the opposite.

 

Of all the cheating people I know, especially the predatorial type - serial cheats esp. So far they ALL had trauma from CSA. One friend has been in IC quite intensively for 6y now!

He's an intelligent person. VERY actually. Famous here. Successful business man too.

I'm the only person who knows all this besides his IC.

He discloses parts to support friends who's partners have cheated. And the WS too.

But he's told me the gory details since I've known him since we were children.

Then he proposed this year and ofcourse I'm in a committed relationship with my bf. I would never forsake the man of my dreams (or any man previously for that matter lol).

 

I turned him down.

Even without my gorgeous bf, I would never GO THERE.

Never.

 

Can your WW seek the help she needs?

It can be a torrid time but she CAN COME out of this cleansed.

I hope this for her. For you and your children too.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

 

UPDATE: the OM sent me a message on FB yesterday to tell me that he and my wife both were at the Halloween parade at our kids school. Said he was not sure my wife saw him but he moved as far away as he could to ensure no contact. I told him thanks for letting me know and the fact you appear to be doing your part staying away is keeping me from stomping a mudhole in your arse. He said he understands and will continue to give me heads up if at school or any chance they may intersect.

[sandylee1]

He's being a good Ex OM and does seem remorseful for his part in this. I can't recall if he's married or if you told his wife?

[40somethingGuy]

He's being a good Ex OM and does seem remorseful for his part in this. I can't recall if he's married or if you told his wife?

 

I do think he is remorseful and I have tested him several times. Sometimes I would ask questions I already knew answers to and I know he blocked her on FB and his phone. I did not tell his wife bc she really is a giving good person and a great mom to their 3 kids. Just couldn't stand the thought of her hurting like I was but the other reason was more selfish- if I divorce and he and her divorce I don't want any chance of him being around my kids. He does check in with me if there is any chance she and he could intersect like at school. I still treat him like he is my b**** and I literally was walking my dog and emptied my bag of dog crap right in his yard with him outside watching me to dare him to say anything to me. I demand respect and give him none. That is how it works. If he has a problem with this then confront me and I will stomp a mudhole in him. If he wants to get away from it then move (which is something he is looking to do apparently).

[40somethingGuy]

Shard this post was confident and self-assured. You're doing so well in such a short time. Short imo.

 

Without any attempts to shake YOUR individual foundation, and in addition I want to add you are NOT responsible for your W wife's actions in the past nor future.

 

From my perspective your WW is doing a series of "cosmetic procedures" on your M. Maybe she's doing her VERY best!? IDK. But she can't fix her FOO issues BY HERSELF. If she could have, she would have by now.

 

Being a CSA victim is MAJOR STUFF 40!

ALARMING as it SHOULD BE.

As many members here have pointed out to you.

 

We just CANNOT even begin to understand how these sexual assaults CHANGED your WW as a child.

 

Without her FACING these shocking occurrences in her childhood, she cannot address herself, her insatiable needs for external validation. M should have been enough.

 

YOU and your children and family life were enough.

WW was in deficit mode and may always be without the appropriate therapies for her healing.

 

HINDSIGHT is both a wonderful thing and an a$$ lol.

 

Had I KNOWN VWH had witnessed his sisters being repeatedly groomed and sexually assaulted as children, I believe I would have run a thousand miles instantly.

I'm just not qualified to support such victims and their children. I believe VWH was too...far too much anger against specific priests in his religion RENOWNED for paedophilia (those priests visited their home weekly and have not been charged. Anger towards the innocent priests would not be present, unless he knew more).

 

Anyway THESE occurrences came out 9 months after D Day. For 17+ years VWH had hidden this and much more from me and the world. I expected his mother to hold him and support him. No. She abused and chastised him. The little boy inside forced to hold family and religious secrets because SHE must've been complicit.

 

It's a HORRIBLE web CSA victims live and find any ways to SURVIVE in.

 

After I took VWH to our GP and she immediately prescribed meds to him. Referred him to a Psychiatrist and psychologist. HE AGREED it was time to deal.

Either those specialists are FREE HERE or $10!

 

He did not disclose the most important issues. His CSA.

 

No wonder he groomed women! It's what gave him POWER he never had as a child.

 

I told you all this because your WW groomed OM.

SHE pushed and pushed (as VWH did too - so much evidence going back years) OM for sex.

 

People will want to MINIMIZE her actions BECAUSE she's a woman.

 

A man would be called a sexual predator.

It's a sexual inequality in our society NOT to call women who predate such. They are except that so many men would jump at the chance. Luckily OM in your WWs path halted it.

 

Our MC coined VWH a "sexual predator" almost immediately to us both. They "wanted it" or "asked for it" apparently. He said. The phone records show the opposite.

 

Of all the cheating people I know, especially the predatorial type - serial cheats esp. So far they ALL had trauma from CSA. One friend has been in IC quite intensively for 6y now!

He's an intelligent person. VERY actually. Famous here. Successful business man too.

I'm the only person who knows all this besides his IC.

He discloses parts to support friends who's partners have cheated. And the WS too.

But he's told me the gory details since I've known him since we were children.

Then he proposed this year and ofcourse I'm in a committed relationship with my bf. I would never forsake the man of my dreams (or any man previously for that matter lol).

 

I turned him down.

Even without my gorgeous bf, I would never GO THERE.

Never.

 

Can your WW seek the help she needs?

It can be a torrid time but she CAN COME out of this cleansed.

I hope this for her. For you and your children too.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

What is FOO?

[WilyWill]

What is FOO?

 

FOO = Family of origin

 

FOO Issues = Issues that she carries with her as a result of dysfunction in her family while growing up (e.g. abuse, alcoholism)

[40somethingGuy]

FOO = Family of origin

 

FOO Issues = Issues that she carries with her as a result of dysfunction in her family while growing up

 

Oh, she has lots of those. Her mom blamed HER for her 20 year old cousin raping her from 9-11 years old. It was her fault for making him do it. In that family's culture the male can do no wrong. We really have very little to do with her mom today. Ironically, my wife has forever called my mom (her MIL) 'mom' for years and loves my mom like the way she always wanted to love a mom.

[sandylee1]

That's quite something with the dog poop, but I see you're very hurt and asserting your power.

[Lion Heart]

I'm so sorry for calling you the wrong name! I tried to edit but too long had passed. Sorry. :-((

 

It must be so hard with the OM living so close ugh.

 

I understand the selfish reason why you haven't told the OMs betrayed wife. I had / have a similar set of holdovers. But the only betrayed spouse is me.

 

It works wonders actually.

 

LH

[40somethingGuy]

I'm so sorry for calling you the wrong name! I tried to edit but too long had passed. Sorry. :-((

 

It must be so hard with the OM living so close ugh.

 

I understand the selfish reason why you haven't told the OMs betrayed wife. I had / have a similar set of holdovers. But the only betrayed spouse is me.

 

It works wonders actually.

 

LH

 

Its weird for me bc I really think I squashed any possible relationship between W and OM. He ended it before things spiraled out of control. It was hard to accept that it was him and not my W that put an end to it. She was honest that she really never considered the end game that she was in a mid life crisis already (largely due to work) and was focused on a distraction from reality - lame I know. Him telling me that she wont acknowledge him anymore and the therapist telling me that in their IC sessions she is convinced my wife is over this part of her life helps. Her attitude is back to normal and I do sense that she has a new found appreciation for me for putting up with her and staying the course even though it looked bleak earlier this year. She balled her eyes out for nearly throwing away the only man who ever loved her for her and supported her. She was treated like a unpaid servant growing up. Likewise, I have wised up. Not arguing does not mean all is well. I think I know the signs better than ever although I was telling her in March I thought she was cheating on me and I was laughed at and called 'paranoid and insecure.' She can always delete a text message but I still monitor the phone records and pretty much know who she is talking and texting with always. I will be able to pick up on it very quick if it happens again and she knows I will be gone with no chance of taking her back. Finally, my only ultimatiums were 1- no hiding passwords etc and 2. we can't be good...we have to strive for great or I will find great elsewhere. She knows that I have a level of attractiveness that will allow me to land on my feet fine. I have my days still where I feel an opportunity to trade up is being passed but I also know that I do love her and would miss her greatly. However, one more betrayal and all that is out the window and that I know.

[1111volcano]

She probably has another phone that she texts him on. Sounds to me like what I have just read is its still going on but tried to finalize to you. If he's obese and hairy that doesn't sound attractive lol. What does she look like? She's letting it Kool down a little bit then she will stray again for some new strange or go back to the other guy. I would not trust her word or anything she is doing. She lost that. Good luck

[40somethingGuy]

Its weird for me bc I really think I squashed any possible relationship between W and OM. He ended it before things spiraled out of control. It was hard to accept that it was him and not my W that put an end to it. She was honest that she really never considered the end game that she was in a mid life crisis already (largely due to work) and was focused on a distraction from reality - lame I know. Him telling me that she wont acknowledge him anymore and the therapist telling me that in their IC sessions she is convinced my wife is over this part of her life helps. Her attitude is back to normal and I do sense that she has a new found appreciation for me for putting up with her and staying the course even though it looked bleak earlier this year. She balled her eyes out for nearly throwing away the only man who ever loved her for her and supported her. She was treated like a unpaid servant growing up. Likewise, I have wised up. Not arguing does not mean all is well. I think I know the signs better than ever although I was telling her in March I thought she was cheating on me and I was laughed at and called 'paranoid and insecure.' She can always delete a text message but I still monitor the phone records and pretty much know who she is talking and texting with always. I will be able to pick up on it very quick if it happens again and she knows I will be gone with no chance of taking her back. Finally, my only ultimatiums were 1- no hiding passwords etc and 2. we can't be good...we have to strive for great or I will find great elsewhere. She knows that I have a level of attractiveness that will allow me to land on my feet fine. I have my days still where I feel an opportunity to trade up is being passed but I also know that I do love her and would miss her greatly. However, one more betrayal and all that is out the window and that I know.

UPDATE: My wife and I had a bad fight this weekend and it feels like right now all our progress is out the window. She changed her password on her phone and is again pulling the same stuff she did before and vowed not to do. Yes, she said he wanted a divorce but she said that many times before and I know she just doesn't think I will go that far. Mainly concerned about this being an ongoing pattern. So, I contacted the OM and talked to him. He basically said if it came to it and I need him to write a statement on my behalf before the judge he will say what her background was, that she never once indicated unhappiness in our marriage just that she was rather obsessed with him. Unfortunately, I do feel that my only move is to talk to a lawyer and make it real. That may really snap her out of this pattern because I know she does not want a divorce at the end of the day but she uses that threat too loosely.

[BenchCoach]

You seem to he taking things in stride. I guess keeping in contact with OM works for you. I still don't understand why you would keep this from his spouse. She really does have a right to know, no matter what the outcome.

 

If you were in the same situation, wouldn't you like to know the true state of your marriage?

[Cephalopod]

UPDATE: My wife and I had a bad fight this weekend and it feels like right now all our progress is out the window. She changed her password on her phone and is again pulling the same stuff she did before and vowed not to do. Yes, she said he wanted a divorce but she said that many times before and I know she just doesn't think I will go that far. Mainly concerned about this being an ongoing pattern. So, I contacted the OM and talked to him. He basically said if it came to it and I need him to write a statement on my behalf before the judge he will say what her background was, that she never once indicated unhappiness in our marriage just that she was rather obsessed with him. Unfortunately, I do feel that my only move is to talk to a lawyer and make it real. That may really snap her out of this pattern because I know she does not want a divorce at the end of the day but she uses that threat too loosely.

 

I think you should take her up on her offer. File. You can always call off the divorce proceedings if she starts showing true remorse and empathy. Right now all she feels is guilt and embarrassment, neither of which have anything to do with the pain you have suffered.

 

So call her bluff. Gather your documentation, go see your lawyer and start the process. This will be a litmus test for your wife. Her reaction, when she is served, will reveal her true self.

[BluesPower]

I would like to know what her general issue is.

 

If she is not "unhappy" in the marriage, so to speak, what possible reason does she give for wanting to sleep with this goon in the first place?

 

And, for a WS, locking the phone has to be a deal breaker, end of story.

 

With everything that has happened I think you should just file for divorce and find someone new. I mean it seems to me that she is all over the place.

 

Locking the phone means that she has a new BF as far as I am concerned.

[40somethingGuy]

I would like to know what her general issue is.

 

If she is not "unhappy" in the marriage, so to speak, what possible reason does she give for wanting to sleep with this goon in the first place?

 

And, for a WS, locking the phone has to be a deal breaker, end of story.

 

With everything that has happened I think you should just file for divorce and find someone new. I mean it seems to me that she is all over the place.

 

Locking the phone means that she has a new BF as far as I am concerned.

 

I am monitoring text records from our provider and I am the only one she is texting with other than family and a couple gfs. She did this after an argument to upset me. The real issue is since she has no real family to speak of that she likes she has difficulty finding inner happiness yet too proud to face her issues. As far as the OM he was just someone she was always obsessed with until recently.

[Mr Blunt]

By 40somethingguy

I do feel that my only move is to talk to a lawyer and make it real. That may really snap her out of this pattern because I know she does not want a divorce at the end of the day but she uses that threat too loosely

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

When you stated “That may really snap her out of this pattern”, it may snap her out of her stating that she wants a divorce. However, she will not snap out of her damaged self-image with a divorce.

 

Your wife is the innocent victim of being raped from age 9-11. Her parents did add damage to her rape and she acted out in her teens by having lots of sex with lots of boys/men. Your wife now likes to have degraded sex that is taboo. Your wife is not going to snap out of this damage. I think lots of good therapy and her actions could help her but how much is a question. You will have to face the fact that your wife is damaged and will not get 100% healed from her trauma life. You will have to decide how much loss you can take because of her damaged self.

 

I am not putting your wife down as she was innocent when she was traumatized and then her parents added salt to her wound. However, do not fool yourself; your wife has been weakened and will always struggle to some degree with her damage. I hope that you get yourself even stronger than you are now because if you stay with your wife you will have to endure some loss. I know you love your wife but some of that love is probably pity-love. She will never be a real strong support for you even though she may want to.

[Cephalopod]

For me, if I have to resort to spying on my wife, the marriage is already over. All that was good, and open and honest and transparent in the relationship is gone anyways. So what is there to salvage by sleuthing and spying?

 

Most states allow no fault divorce. You can divorce for no reason nowadays. I say extricate yourself from all this nonsense using whatever excuse you want, and spare yourself the grief of finding out thing you wish you hadn't.

[why1234]

Sorry buddy, but "marriage material" sounds like a compliment but it isn't. What she told you was "I was having anal sex and threesomes with really hot guys for free, but I was getting to an age where I wanted to settle down with someone not as attractive but stable, someone who would put me on a pedestal, idolize me, do anything I wanted, whom I would make pay (marry me) to get access to sex.

 

It's an insult when a woman like that tells you you're marriage material. It means she doesn't respect you.

 

This isn't your wife's first affair. Get your kids paternity tested my friend.

 

And this won't be her last.

 

What's happened is that women like this ride the cock carousel from age 20 to 30 with hot guys. Then they find a schmuck and raise kids with him from age 30 to 45. Then they leave the guy and desperately try to get back on the carousel, or even worse, cuckold him.

 

This will not be her last affair.

[CommittedToThis]

Yeah, to me this is over. The WW's CSA issues need to be addressed, and that is on WW alone.

 

40SG, you didn't break your WW, and you can't fix her. It's all on her.

 

If she doesn't truly address the CSA issues she, in my opinion, will likely find motivation to cheat on you again.

 

40SG, you are young enough to make the move now; show your sons what it means to be a man and to stand up to liars and cheaters.

 

If you two didn't have kids I'd probably consider having an A myself and letting WW catch me.

 

"Oops! You caught me cheating, and I caught you cheating. Might as well end the charade now."

 

All the best, and I do hope you get to see your WW suffer as she deserves for her juvenile mistake with fat-arse.

[40somethingGuy]

My main issue now is trying to reconcile what I know about her and getting that leveraged to me. So, one takeaway that I got from reading her texts and from long, lengthy conversations with the OM was that my wife is kind of 'freaky.' Around this time she bought a viberator and some butt plug thing from a sex store and the OM told me that he texted her a 'story' about a guy (implied to be him but in 3rd person like someone else) breaking in our home and grabbing my wife, tying her up, stuffing her panties in her mouth as a gag, and then he described what he/the guy did to her starting at the bottom and moving up. He told me that my wife would get interactive and would say things like 'tell me he put his fingers up my arse' etc. So, she was very much getting aroused and that night she directly told him she wanted to have sex with him and other things. Knowing this timeframe my wife was extremely horny all the time and seemed happy like never before. Of course, this was due to him not me. He also told me that he asked her twice to hook him up with her best friend. LOL. She didn't like that but took it but refused.

 

 

So, knowing all this I am now trying to channel some of her adventureous sexual side my way. I told her I really want to spice up our sex life. I know what her fantasties are but I know I am not taboo. Maybe I am wasting my time but I tend to get the standard vanilla sex where I truly think she had desires to go all in erotic with him. I am having a hard time with this. I guess I can't make her desire me that way but I do know she is looking at a lot of porn. Yesterday I emailed her that I feel she is channeling her sexual energy in alternative places and that is only hurting us and it is hurting me. I did not get a response. So, when I am ready to confront I am going to simply ask her what her reaction to my email is and whether or not she is 'all in' on me or not since I know she can express intimate desires with someone who has become a virtual stranger and never loved her at all. Well see.

[Jersey born raised]

It is called role playing. Part of channeling role playing is providing a separate time and place out of the home. The home becomes the safe normal place for your wife and her mystery Mr X (you with a nick name and a different email address) can set up "scene" time and place for her to sneak off to meet Mr X.

 

Continue to read up on effects of CSA. Be aware in same ways it freezes a person emotional growth at the age it took place. It sounds likes your wife has a very submissive side so just set up the email account with a stage name. Then email the details of your last session in a hotel (so she will know it is you) together but pretend it was the stage name that did it with her. Instruct her to set up an email account and contact Mr X though it. It will seem awakward at first but will quickly become natural.

[DKT3]

My main issue now is trying to reconcile what I know about her and getting that leveraged to me. So, one takeaway that I got from reading her texts and from long, lengthy conversations with the OM was that my wife is kind of 'freaky.' Around this time she bought a viberator and some butt plug thing from a sex store and the OM told me that he texted her a 'story' about a guy (implied to be him but in 3rd person like someone else) breaking in our home and grabbing my wife, tying her up, stuffing her panties in her mouth as a gag, and then he described what he/the guy did to her starting at the bottom and moving up. He told me that my wife would get interactive and would say things like 'tell me he put his fingers up my arse' etc. So, she was very much getting aroused and that night she directly told him she wanted to have sex with him and other things. Knowing this timeframe my wife was extremely horny all the time and seemed happy like never before. Of course, this was due to him not me. He also told me that he asked her twice to hook him up with her best friend. LOL. She didn't like that but took it but refused.

 

 

So, knowing all this I am now trying to channel some of her adventureous sexual side my way. I told her I really want to spice up our sex life. I know what her fantasties are but I know I am not taboo. Maybe I am wasting my time but I tend to get the standard vanilla sex where I truly think she had desires to go all in erotic with him. I am having a hard time with this. I guess I can't make her desire me that way but I do know she is looking at a lot of porn. Yesterday I emailed her that I feel she is channeling her sexual energy in alternative places and that is only hurting us and it is hurting me. I did not get a response. So, when I am ready to confront I am going to simply ask her what her reaction to my email is and whether or not she is 'all in' on me or not since I know she can express intimate desires with someone who has become a virtual stranger and never loved her at all. Well see.

 

I think it's important to understand the stigma of women and sex. So often they have these types of desires but fear expressing them because they don't want to be judged.

 

I think it is very much the case here, which is why she hasn't responded. There is a good chance she doesn't want you to judge her or think less because of what she may see as guilty desire.

[Cephalopod]

 

So, knowing all this I am now trying to channel some of her adventureous sexual side my way. I told her I really want to spice up our sex life. I know what her fantasties are but I know I am not taboo. Maybe I am wasting my time but I tend to get the standard vanilla sex where I truly think she had desires to go all in erotic with him. I am having a hard time with this. I guess I can't make her desire me that way but I do know she is looking at a lot of porn. Yesterday I emailed her that I feel she is channeling her sexual energy in alternative places and that is only hurting us and it is hurting me. I did not get a response. So, when I am ready to confront I am going to simply ask her what her reaction to my email is and whether or not she is 'all in' on me or not since I know she can express intimate desires with someone who has become a virtual stranger and never loved her at all. Well see.

 

 

But she won't do these things for you or with you. Well, she might, but she won't enjoy it like she did with her AP.

 

It is sort of a Reverse Madonna Whore syndrome where, when you married her you took the place of her "daddy". Women don't have kinky sex with their dads. She needs you to have complete respect for her and not objectify her, so that she can maintain an equitable level of control within the relationship. It is a messed up way of thinking but it is quite common with women cheaters.

 

The AP represents fantasy and freedom. She does not feel the need to put on airs with him. She doesn't care if he respects her or not. And since she doesn't care if he respects her, she is not afraid of losing his respect by subjecting herself to fun, kinky or humiliating sex. See how that works?

 

She does have fun doing all those kinky things, but they would not be fun if she did them with you. It is a stupid hangup and the only way she will get past it is to be open with you. And she needs a decent IC to help her overcome these issues.

 

But she has not demonstrated that she wants to be open with you.

[why1234]

my wife is kind of 'freaky.'

 

Of course. I could have told you that. Google "Saving the Best" by Rollo. It's classic. Girl rides the c*ck carousel having freaky sex with alpha guys/jocks who are good looking, knowing she could never "land" them. Then settles for the next tier down, but never puts out her best stuff for the poor schmuck. Happens all the time.

 

If you go to reddit relationships sub, you will find story after story of guys saying "My wife only does missionary and she says BJs are gross and she doesn't do them. Then yesterday I found a video of her from her twenties having an*l sex with two guys."