What can I do? She won't give me abother chance

[Hometown]

Please help me, she is the love of my life. I was alwasy busy with work, and never did the things she wanted to do. I took her for granted. I never opened up to her. We dated for 5 months. I'm 29, she is 23.

Here is the last convo we had.

 

Me:

Seriously tho, It would be nice if we could talk. You have this false image of me and I won't accept leaving things this way. The thought of losing you has changed me. In a way, I'm glad this happened, it forced me to step back and look at myself and make the positive changes I needed. If you would just lower your walls and look. Fortunately I am the most persistent man you know. Especially when it comes to someone so important to me. I will die fighting for you. I don't care how much it takes or how pathetic it makes me look. I know who i am and what i want, and i will leave it all on the floor before I quit. No one will ever fight as hard as me. Just let me say what I need to say and if you still feel the same way, I'll take what I've learned and focus it elsewhere.

 

Her:

I have asked you to stop and you haven't. I have you the opportunity to say what you wanted at Kava and have told you that this isn't what I want. You're trying to force something. I do not see a future with you that's not what I want I don't know how else to say it.

 

Me:

I held my tongue at kava, give me a break and see the changes I have made. I'm not forcing anything, I'm just saying give it a chance. If you gave me one day I could show you. If it's not the best day of your life, then move on, no harm done. You don't see a future with the old me, which I understand. Now that I have the perspective on who I was, you made me fix the issues I needed to address.You created the guy you always wanted, dont just throw it in the garbage before you sample the goods.. I'm gonna call you, I just want to talk for a minute. I won't keep you too long, ok?

 

Her:

I'm busy so no don't call. Finding someone in life isn't about creating them into what you want. You either click or you don't and it's not there for me and nothing you say is going to change that.

 

Me:

You made me a better person is what I'm trying to say.. you helped me become who I want to be... how can you say that? It's just not true, we wouldn't have gotten here if we didn't click.Was it all just fake? Was it just a rebound so you could get over your ugly cheating ex? There has to be more to it.. What arent you telling me? That who you went to see in Colorado the day after my ****ing birthday? Let's just quit lieing and get it all out there

 

Her:

No it wasn't. I wanted it to work but that fire that I want with someone never was there with you. On a romantic, friendship, physical mental level or anything it wasn't there. I tried I really did, I never cheated and I was good to you and I really hoped that that fire was going to be there. But it wasn't and it never will be. And honestly I knew that from the beginning but I was hoping I was wrong because you seemed like a good guy. I need you to respect my wishes though and stop

 

Me:

You are wrong.. I am a good guy. The fire was there, I just wouldn't let it breathe.. I gave you 25% of me because I was scared, I'm ready to give you all of me. ****! Just give me the smallest chance to prove it to you. I deserve that at least. I have never felt or acted this way in my entire life. All I want is a God damn chance to show you how much you mean to me. And to be there for you.Im sorry but you created a monster. All I speak are deep convos now. I have to get all this off my chest. I'm done keeping my feelings locked up... Did you go to Colorado to see your ex? Are you back with him?What aren't you telling me? Just give me the truth, please..

 

Her:

You may be ready now but I'm not. And no I'm not with my ex. Yes I went and saw him in Colorado. Is that why you and I broke up because of him, absolutely not. We broke up because I realized that the connection I had with him I had never felt with you. And me saying that doesn't mean I want to be with him. I have had doubts about you since day 1 and after I had dinner with him it was blatantly clear what I knew all along and that's that you and I weren't supposed to be together. The connection the fire the adventure wasn't there, I couldn't picture myself being happy with you. I've got so much going on in my life now this is about me and growing and embracing life. My ex and I grew all we could I am not trying to get back with him and you and I didn't do any growing in my opinion.

 

Me:

I've done a lot of reading and praying and soul searching these past few weeks and every cell in my body is telling me to fight for this.. Im sorry, i know this is taxing... I know I was not giving you my all. You're right, we did no growing because I was too scared to open up. All that I ask for is that you open your heart and give me the tiny chance I need. To show you how happy I can make you. The connection, the fire, the adventure, all of it. I know we have it, because I have seen the sparks.

I know I ****ed up, I was such an idiot. Letting you walk away was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I've done some dumb ****. I'm not asking for your forgiveness or for you to take me back today. I just want you to know that I really value the time we spent together, and if you ever decided to give me another chance, I would consider myself the luckiest guy on earth.

[basil67]

She doesn't want you back. Leave the poor woman alone before she puts a restraining order on you.

[JewelD]

There's nothing you can do. Maybe she was the love of your life but you clearly were not the love of hers. She laid everything out quite clearly and asked you to stop. Have some dignity and leave her alone. Those text messages just make you look desperate and a little unhinged. Just stop and let her go.

[Hometown]

**** I am desperate, the time we had together was incredible for both of us.. she did so much for me and tried so hard. I just didn't put forth the effort like she did.

[Mi7522]

Begging will never get her back. It's cute when a dog does it but not with people who have been in a relationship with someone, begging just reinforces their decision to end things. It's time to start working on yourself for yourself and no one else. Good luck but leave her alone

[DarrenB]

You've unfortunately drove her further away from you, and it's extremely unlikely for that to change now due to the way you've handled it.

 

I can relate, I can empathise, I did the same but within different/multiple manners. Trial and error. Take it on board and move on.

[Hometown]

So I just quit? I'm not one to give up... There has to be some hope. I can't get the **** over it.. it's been a month now. All I think about is her.. every song, every meal, every place I go, every time ****ing thing reminds me of her and how I ****ed it all up

[Mi7522]

So I just quit? I'm not one to give up... There has to be some hope. I can't get the **** over it.. it's been a month now. All I think about is her.. every song, every meal, every place I go, every time ****ing thing reminds me of her and how I ****ed it all up

 

Unfortunately you have to quit. She wants nothing to do with you and if you keep bothering her she will get a restraining order. I'm not sure you want that. She has explicitly said she does not want you romantically, if I were you I would take her word for it, in my experiences if someone says that they mean it. Begging and pleading for another chance is selfish on your part because you're not respecting her decision

[Hometown]

I know I sound crazy, desperate, needy, all those things. I just want her back so damn bad. I can't stop these feelings. I've never felt or acted this way in my life.. she has me so twisted

[DarrenB]

So I just quit? I'm not one to give up... There has to be some hope. I can't get the **** over it.. it's been a month now. All I think about is her.. every song, every meal, every place I go, every time ****ing thing reminds me of her and how I ****ed it all up

 

You quit before things become more intense and things start stacking against you, drawing a close to ANY last percentage of reconciliation. You don't want that.

 

It could be a week, month, 5 months a year, it doesn't matter. You cannot physically, mentally or emotionally force or persuade someone to take you back or give you a second chance. They will either, in due time come to that realization to want you back or they won't at all. You need to move on for the 2 simple reasons being 1) if in future she returns, you are able to handle it better and avoid the mishaps previously made 2) if she does not, then you are ready to find someone else - rather than grieve and dwell for the rest of your living days.

 

Yes, you're probably insanely in-denial right now, it's okay, it's normal. What you stated is also normal, it's the typical aftermath of a B/U. You should know that. But you need to take into consideration the above, don't make matters worse. Leave things how they were, focus on you in the meantime and let her focus on her. Prove to yourself that you can change, if in time she wishes to notice then she will. If not then it's not just meant to be.

[wow123]

I figured I'd weigh in since I recently went thru the same exact thing (wall up, took her for granted, etc. You have to believe what she's telling you. She does not want to be with you. She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't even want to speak to you.

 

Hard to believe, I know! That sweet girl who was so into me is now gone? Forever? No way! She'll be back. Nope. She's gone. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you will begin to heal. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I don't want you to live with false hope like I did. Feel better man!

[lightfoot]

*facepalms*

 

No matter how hard you bang your head against a wall, the wall's gonna win. It's a (expletive) wall.

 

You may have been dumped for reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with your conduct or attitude during the relationship. In fact it mostly happens to men who don't deserve it. Guys have a tendency to obsess over how "they" so foolishly lost a perfect woman sent from God when they get dumped. Stop it.

 

Give up now, you certainly will eventually.

 

And please let's not call her a "poor woman" who's getting relentlessly harassed by a crazy ex... I'm sure she told him all kinds of things during the relationship that made him feel like he was living the greatest romance of all time, because it was what she was feeling in the moment while he thought it was forever. And now at the end suddenly she "never really clicked."

[basil67]

So I just quit? I'm not one to give up... There has to be some hope. I can't get the **** over it.. it's been a month now. All I think about is her.. every song, every meal, every place I go, every time ****ing thing reminds me of her and how I ****ed it all up

 

Don't think of it as quitting. Think of it as respecting her decision.

 

And don't kid yourself that she enjoyed the relationship as much as you. If it was true, she would not have ended it.

 

Show her the respect of letting her go.

[DarrenB]

*facepalms*

 

No matter how hard you bang your head against a wall, the wall's gonna win. It's a (expletive) wall.

 

You may have been dumped for reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with your conduct or attitude during the relationship. In fact it mostly happens to men who don't deserve it. Guys have a tendency to obsess over how "they" so foolishly lost a perfect woman sent from God when they get dumped. Stop it.

 

Give up now, you certainly will eventually.

 

And please let's not call her a "poor woman" who's getting relentlessly harassed by a crazy ex... I'm sure she told him all kinds of things during the relationship that made him feel like he was living the greatest romance of all time, because it was what she was feeling in the moment while he thought it was forever. And now at the end suddenly she "never really clicked."

 

Unrequited love in a nutshell

[Nowty V]

.. she has me so twisted

 

No she doesn't.

 

Women don't do your head in.

 

You do your own head in.

 

How you are feeling is all about you.

 

You need some awareness, you need to figure out why you doing this.

 

It is nothing to do with her.

 

Go dark, complete NC, work on yourself.

 

The answers are within you.

 

Leave her alone, block her, delete her.

[Hometown]

It literally came out of nowhere.. not 2 days before she decided to split, she was telling me how much she adored me and she only wanted to be with me. I guess I should add the night she broke up with me we were fighting because she told me her ex was moving and asked her to get coffee... well that cup of coffee was my demise. I threw a fit about her meeting him and after that meeting she called and said she was done

[basil67]

It literally came out of nowhere.. not 2 days before she decided to split, she was telling me how much she adored me and she only wanted to be with me. I guess I should add the night she broke up with me we were fighting because she told me her ex was moving and asked her to get coffee... well that cup of coffee was my demise. I threw a fit about her meeting him and after that meeting she called and said she was done

 

If it came out of nowhere, what all this stuff about you not giving enough and having changed?

[dreamingoftigers]

**** I am desperate, the time we had together was incredible for both of us.. she did so much for me and tried so hard. I just didn't put forth the effort like she did.

 

Apparently not for her.

 

Find someone that appreciates "new you."

 

All that's left for you here is grief, or a harassment charge if you keep it up.

[Hometown]

Darren, wow, Lightfoot, basil.. Thank yall for all the responses.. at this point anything helps. I'm such a bumbling, sobbing ****ing mess right now. Worse month of my life

[dreamingoftigers]

So I just quit? I'm not one to give up... There has to be some hope. I can't get the **** over it.. it's been a month now. All I think about is her.. every song, every meal, every place I go, every time ****ing thing reminds me of her and how I ****ed it all up

 

Hey, you have what is called an "anxious attachment style." Seriously. I have it too, I could have written those texts a decade ago.

 

One thing that my EFT therapist recommended to me which was dead right, was that when you feel that deep sadness etc. Do something caring for YOURSELF.

 

I am willing to bet that you do some selfish things or indulgent things, but maybe not very much in terms of self-care.

 

Ironically, the more self-catering you do, the more likely you are to have healthy connections with others. And more likely to have a healthy partnership.

[dreamingoftigers]

Darren, wow, Lightfoot, basil.. Thank yall for all the responses.. at this point anything helps. I'm such a bumbling, sobbing ****ing mess right now. Worse month of my life

 

Also "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" is a good read.

[basil67]

You're feeling like you are because you haven't accepted the situation yet. You're floundering and out of control because what you're doing isn't working.

 

Delete her number. Block her on social media. Yes, it will hurt while you get used to her not being in your life - but it will also be the first step to healing.

[wow123]

I know it hurts. Giving up is the only way to heal though. She's not the same person now that she was when you dated her. Keep telling yourself that.

[dreamingoftigers]

It literally came out of nowhere.. not 2 days before she decided to split, she was telling me how much she adored me and she only wanted to be with me. I guess I should add the night she broke up with me we were fighting because she told me her ex was moving and asked her to get coffee... well that cup of coffee was my demise. I threw a fit about her meeting him and after that meeting she called and said she was done

 

You are five months in, between 3 and 6 months is where the problems start showing in virtually any relationship.

 

The first three or so months everyone is wearing their best face (unless it's a HUGE mismatch). You think it's a miracle you could be so in love. ...

 

Then you find out you are in love with a person.

 

And some people are conflict-avoidant. They won't tell you what's up. Some people are so conflict-avoidant that they just stop returning calls and don't even let you know what's up.

[Satu]

She is not the person you think/hope/want her to be.

 

She is the person who has told you to leave her alone.

 

For your own sake, do what she's asked of you.

 

 

Take care.