What can I do? She won't give me abother chance

[wow123]

My ex is around the same age as yours. I'm also around your age. I think her words not matching up with feelings also have something to do with emotional immaturity and lack of experience. She may have thought she felt a certain way, said it, and then went back on it. Possibly because she doesn't even know what anything is supposed to feel like.

[oldshirt]

Please help me, she is the love of my life. I was alwasy busy with work, and never did the things she wanted to do. I took her for granted. I never opened up to her. We dated for 5 months. I'm 29, she is 23.

Here is the last convo we had.

 

Me:

Seriously tho, It would be nice if we could talk. You have this false image of me and I won't accept leaving things this way. The thought of losing you has changed me. In a way, I'm glad this happened, it forced me to step back and look at myself and make the positive changes I needed. If you would just lower your walls and look. Fortunately I am the most persistent man you know. Especially when it comes to someone so important to me. I will die fighting for you. I don't care how much it takes or how pathetic it makes me look. I know who i am and what i want, and i will leave it all on the floor before I quit. No one will ever fight as hard as me. Just let me say what I need to say and if you still feel the same way, I'll take what I've learned and focus it elsewhere.

 

Her:

I have asked you to stop and you haven't. I have you the opportunity to say what you wanted at Kava and have told you that this isn't what I want. You're trying to force something. I do not see a future with you that's not what I want I don't know how else to say it.

 

Me:

I held my tongue at kava, give me a break and see the changes I have made. I'm not forcing anything, I'm just saying give it a chance. If you gave me one day I could show you. If it's not the best day of your life, then move on, no harm done. You don't see a future with the old me, which I understand. Now that I have the perspective on who I was, you made me fix the issues I needed to address.You created the guy you always wanted, dont just throw it in the garbage before you sample the goods.. I'm gonna call you, I just want to talk for a minute. I won't keep you too long, ok?

 

Her:

I'm busy so no don't call. Finding someone in life isn't about creating them into what you want. You either click or you don't and it's not there for me and nothing you say is going to change that.

 

Me:

You made me a better person is what I'm trying to say.. you helped me become who I want to be... how can you say that? It's just not true, we wouldn't have gotten here if we didn't click.Was it all just fake? Was it just a rebound so you could get over your ugly cheating ex? There has to be more to it.. What arent you telling me? That who you went to see in Colorado the day after my ****ing birthday? Let's just quit lieing and get it all out there

 

Her:

No it wasn't. I wanted it to work but that fire that I want with someone never was there with you. On a romantic, friendship, physical mental level or anything it wasn't there. I tried I really did, I never cheated and I was good to you and I really hoped that that fire was going to be there. But it wasn't and it never will be. And honestly I knew that from the beginning but I was hoping I was wrong because you seemed like a good guy. I need you to respect my wishes though and stop

 

Me:

You are wrong.. I am a good guy. The fire was there, I just wouldn't let it breathe.. I gave you 25% of me because I was scared, I'm ready to give you all of me. ****! Just give me the smallest chance to prove it to you. I deserve that at least. I have never felt or acted this way in my entire life. All I want is a God damn chance to show you how much you mean to me. And to be there for you.Im sorry but you created a monster. All I speak are deep convos now. I have to get all this off my chest. I'm done keeping my feelings locked up... Did you go to Colorado to see your ex? Are you back with him?What aren't you telling me? Just give me the truth, please..

 

Her:

You may be ready now but I'm not. And no I'm not with my ex. Yes I went and saw him in Colorado. Is that why you and I broke up because of him, absolutely not. We broke up because I realized that the connection I had with him I had never felt with you. And me saying that doesn't mean I want to be with him. I have had doubts about you since day 1 and after I had dinner with him it was blatantly clear what I knew all along and that's that you and I weren't supposed to be together. The connection the fire the adventure wasn't there, I couldn't picture myself being happy with you. I've got so much going on in my life now this is about me and growing and embracing life. My ex and I grew all we could I am not trying to get back with him and you and I didn't do any growing in my opinion.

 

Me:

I've done a lot of reading and praying and soul searching these past few weeks and every cell in my body is telling me to fight for this.. Im sorry, i know this is taxing... I know I was not giving you my all. You're right, we did no growing because I was too scared to open up. All that I ask for is that you open your heart and give me the tiny chance I need. To show you how happy I can make you. The connection, the fire, the adventure, all of it. I know we have it, because I have seen the sparks.

I know I ****ed up, I was such an idiot. Letting you walk away was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I've done some dumb ****. I'm not asking for your forgiveness or for you to take me back today. I just want you to know that I really value the time we spent together, and if you ever decided to give me another chance, I would consider myself the luckiest guy on earth.

 

 

I have another conversation that will occurring real soon if you don't knock this off.

 

(the setting is a courtroom about to hear opening arguments in Hometown's harassment and stalking trial and his GF's request for a permanent restraining order. The plaintiff's attorney has this conversation along with his other posts projected up on a large screen infront of the judge and jury and all pertinent statements are highlighted and numbered)

 

GF's attorney: Your honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you transcripts and direct quotes written by the defendant Hometown himself of the conversation between he and my client. In these transcripts you will count no less than 12 definitive and unambiguous statements by the plaintiff that she no longer wants any form of relationship with the defendant, and she states clearly that she no longer wants him to contact her in any way or through any means.

 

You will also count no less than 12 statements quoted by the defendant himself that he does not recognize or accept the termination of their relationship and that he fully intends to continue to contact her and to continue their relationship despite her contention that the relationship is no longer in existence.

 

In subsequent posts to an internet relationship forum the defendant maintains his intentions to contact my client and infers that such contact has in fact occurred subsequent to him being informed to no longer contact her.

 

I there for ask that you find the defendant guilty of criminal harassment and stalking and invoke a permanent restraining order barring the defendant from having any future contact with my client in any manner indefinitely. "

 

Judge: We have heard opening statements from the plaintiff. Does the defendant wish to make a rebuttal or present their opening statements?"

 

Hometown's attorney: "No your honor. We do not wish to make a rebuttal or opening statement at this time"

 

Judge: "Does the defendant wish to enter a plea at this time?

 

Hometown's attorney: "Yes your honor. The defendant wishes to plead guilty.

 

Judge: "The court accepts the defendant's plea of guilty. The bailiff will take Mr Hometown into custody. As the court believes that the defendant will pose a continued risk to harass and stalk and potentially harm the plaintiff if allowed out on bail, I shall order the defendant be held without bail until the time of sentencing.

 

This court is adjurned."

 

(gavel comes down)

[Hometown]

Old shirt, unnecessary.. I accepted my situation. It will never come to that. Thanks for that positive reenactment tho. A lot of effort writing that for nothing...

Others, all your responses are very appreciated. I feel much better already just talking it through. Too bad I didn't come here earlier when maybe I still had a chance

[Deadmeat]

Please help me, she is the love of my life. I was alwasy busy with work, and never did the things she wanted to do. I took her for granted. I never opened up to her. We dated for 5 months. I'm 29, she is 23.

Here is the last convo we had.

 

{snip}

 

Friend, I will not be as harsh as the others, as I can really empathize with yours words, feelings and thought processes. Instead of telling you what others have already said, I will share with you what happens if she decodes to give you that chance that you seek.

 

You see, months ago I was in the same boat as you are. However, instead of begging, I got my ex on the phone a month later and I tactfully let her know that I still loved her, I realized my mistakes and that I wanted to start on a blank slate. She said she would think about it.

 

A week after that we went out on a few dates

. This went on for some time about 2 weeks. I tried everything I could to muser up romantic feelings for her but it just didn't work. I did it all. I could tell that each time I tried she wasn't as into as I was. Everyone I held her hand or kissed her, this look of guilt would run across her face as of she knew sooner or later she would have to break my heart again. In the end, she blocked me from all contsct with her so that she didn't have to see me beg for her back.

 

What I'm trying to tell you friend is that this relationship you seek is over. There is nothing you can do to salvage it. Even if she gave you the chance that you seek, she will be thinking in the back of her mind, "When can I end this?" In that regard, she is not genuinely giving yout a chance but rather just another opportunity to break your heart so you will understand. Whether she gives yout this chance or not, the end will be the same.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if I had listened in the past, I would not be here right now.

 

We all live and learn I guess. Let this one go. The decision will be hers on whether to continue this relationship.

Edited October 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

Old shirt, unnecessary.. I accepted my situation. It will never come to that. Thanks for that positive reenactment tho. A lot of effort writing that for nothing...

Others, all your responses are very appreciated. I feel much better already just talking it through. Too bad I didn't come here earlier when maybe I still had a chance

 

The point is, she has made clear and unambiguous statements that the relationship has been terminated and that she does not consent to any further relationship of any form nor any further contact with you.

 

Continued attempts to have involuntary contact with her can be considered harassment and/or stalking, which can carry criminal penalties.

[Hometown]

Thanks again wow and Lightfoot. I guess all I need is some positive feedback and I will slowly learn to deal with my situation.. I just keep replaying the great times we had and the things I did to drive her away.. one of my biggest enjoyments are riding around listening to music. Yet somehow no matter the song I am reminded of this girl.. i listen to lyrics a lot more closer now and its crazy how everything relates.. it's like I can't escape it... however, this experience has opened my eyes. In the past relationships ive had, i woukd just coast through them on my good looks and personality(gotta pump myself up here) and i never really put forth the emotional effort to get to know someone on a deeper level. I dont know if its because i was ****ed over in the past or if i was just built that way... on a positive note, I feel like I have a new way of looking at things and I appreciate the little things a lot more. I just wish she could see.

[Hometown]

I deleted her number and all the pictures we had, and removed her from all social media. I still feel like a broken down puppy with no home.. God help me. I guess time is the only remedy for this?

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[wow123]

Those are all great moves. Now it's mainly time. It also wouldn't hurt to speak to a therapist if you're open to that. That's if you don't feel like your mood is improving at all after another few weeks.

[Frozensushi]

What I'm trying to tell you friend is that this relationship you seek is over.

 

I know what you are going through as well. She was amazing, made you feel like no other ever has. It's lost and only if you could have one last chance to redeem yourself, you would.

 

The thing is, no matter how much you beg and plead, you can't make her love you back. Horrifying right? The acceptance of this is like a punch to the gut over and over again.

 

I'm over 2 months of NC and it's still a struggle. You just have to turn all your energy thinking about her and beating yourself up inward. Use it to become a better person with a strong self-esteem and use this experience to grow.

 

You can do it!! Good luck!

[NIGHT1985]

Stop dude... my ex put a no contact order on me... why? Because I was acting crazy, because I wasn't accepting that she was gone, and that we weren't meant to be.

 

Don't go down this road, I've made myself look like a complete joke. But you know what? I'm happy again, I've started dating again. I've recently started talking to someone that made me as excited as I was when I first met my ex. Maybe it won't go anywhere, but what does it prove? It proves that we get this silly notion after a heart break that we won't find someone else, someone more compatible, and that we'll never love again, and that's bs.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, time is really the only remedy here OP.

 

I will echo everyone else - stay away from her. She couldn't have been clearer that it is over between you two. As another pointed out, if you attempt to re-initiate contact and disrespect her boundary, you could indeed wind up in hot water.

 

So, keep her number deleted.

 

Instead, do some inner work and find out why you attached so much of your self-worth to her opinion of you. Sure, rejection hurts but I think this is an awful lot of anxiety and distress over a 5-month relationship. Take a big step back, look into Anxious Attachment as another poster suggested, and begin your healing.

[BAcK]

Wow. It's like am reading my story. Honestly i can literally feel what you are feeling right now. I did exactly the same things as you. The 'fire' excuse got me wailing like a kid. I mean how can someone who claimed to be so happy with you, just throw something like this out of nowhere. And man did it hurt. But eventually i understood that it was not love for her. She loved u but was not IN LOVE with u. Cliche. Actually she just transferred the love she had for her ex onto you. She may be emotionally unstable as she is confused.GO NC. This has helped me a lot and am it will help you regain your emotional stability.

[fromheart]

'I don't care how much it takes or how pathetic it makes me look.'

 

That's all a woman will need to hear to get the perfect confirmation that she's right to dump you.

 

Every time you grovel she will see you as pathetic and weak. You even went and confirmed it for her in writing.

 

I'm sorry to be so direct, most of us have done it and we know where it leads. Nowhere.

 

Never, ever beg to a woman, they will see you as needy and weak and become very cruel towards you.

All you need to say is, 'Yeah sure, let me know if you change your mind.' And then never contact them ever. ever again.

 

Good that you've been busy with work, don't change this for anybody. You need to be successful in life for yourself and for those around you. If a woman can't understand you're busy and your work and well being comes first, she doesn't understand you.

 

Don't go changing this to please someone, change and confirm and at worst you'll get dumped for being weak.

 

So get back to the work that keeps you motivated and busy, and let this woman go. Go on youtube and listen to some Corey Wayne, this will do you good.

[AT15]

She's going to get back with her ex, it's not going to work out, then you'll get a "hey" text in 3 to 4 months

[elaine567]

 

Sad how women contacting their exs aren't threatened with court orders by the public, but men instantly are.

That is because it is rare for a woman to take the next step and get violent with her ex.

Upset, angry, frustrated obsessed men tend to resort to violence and abuse to get their own way and that is why the courts are quick to step in.

Women are more likely to drown their ex in tears...

 

Also whilst there are some female stalkers (the majority are male), they are more likely to stalk a male acquaintance, a celebrity or a stranger rather than their ex.

 

Why so many are advising caution here is that despite this girl making it very clear she does not want the OP, he refuses to listen, tells her she is wrong...

Even from the first sentence she utters here -

"I have asked you to stop and you haven't." it shows his lack of respect for her boundaries and he just goes rambling on despite her giving him no indication she wants to continue this relationship whatsoever.

I just wonder was she really giving him such positive signals in the time leading up to the break up or was he so focussed on himself and how he was feeling, that he simply assumed she felt the same. Did he discount her feelings in the same way he is doing now and refused to listen when she voiced her concerns?

He is not alone, so many men act badly with women, then find they want to "change" completely when she dumps him.

 

The trick is to treat women well from the start, that way the "love of your life" will stick around hopefully but at least you do not to need keep beating yourself up over the stuff that you "should have done", when she walks.

 

Seems to me that this girl knows what she wants and that her ex eventually didn't really match up. She moved onto you in the hope of something better, but that didn't work out. I doubt the new improved you would be what she is looking for either, so best just to close that chapter and move on.

[Hometown]

How do I stop thinking about her. Literally everything is reminding me of her. Everything!

[ExpatInItaly]

How do I stop thinking about her. Literally everything is reminding me of her. Everything!

 

Time helps.

 

As does lots of distractions. Cultivate a new interest or hobby, even if you can only manage to do it a little bit at a time.

 

But again, I can't under-emphasize the importance of time. It's a slow process, but it really does help.

[Toodaloo]

How do I stop thinking about her. Literally everything is reminding me of her. Everything!

 

You need black cats...

[petroff]

Dude, stop acting like a f***ing child and let it go. You've pushed her even more by begging her, saying how you've changed. Stop making yourself look pathetic and weak in her eyes.

 

You've tried for a couple of months, it didn't work out. You'll forget eventually. But begging her to take you back isn't what's gonna get her back. I've experienced this already in my life, being much younger than you. I was begging a girl to get back with me, texting, calling, sending letters..literally everything. And you know what? None of those worked out. She didn't want me even more.

 

You see, you can't force anybody to be with you. She broke up for a reason, it wasn't working out for her, she didn't have feelings for you - you have to cope with it. I know it's hard, and you may feel that there must be something that you could do in order to get her back, but there is not.

 

I don't mean to give you a blind faith, but there is only one thing you can do in order to MAYBE get back with her in the future. Just simply don't contact her and focus on your life. If she misses you one day, then maybe there will be a chance. Girl don't like pathetic, clingy and weak boys who beg them to do stuff etc.

 

I'm going through a similar break-up myself now, however I had a strong connection with my ex, and I could really feel that she had feelings for me and we were good until I became clingy and insecure, and just weak in her eyes. I miss her like hell, but now I found out that she wants to see her previous ex and I said to myself "f**ck you! I have dignity and I don't need and want a person like you in my life". Once I found she wanted to get back with her ex(who she previously actually cheated on) I got discouraged. Obviously I'm not contacting her at all. You better do the same.

 

She's going to get back with her ex, it's not going to work out, then you'll get a "hey" text in 3 to 4 months

This guy is right. Women are all the same, my friend..Like one stupid thing can change the whole relationship for her. My ex is now trying to get back with her previous ex. See? Same pattern. And ask yourself, do you really want a women who's becomig crazy about her ex while being with you? I know you miss her, but imagine.. What if she left you for her ex after 5 years or if you were married to her? It's better now than later. You screwed up a bit, but she doesn't seem to be emotionally stable and she would probably dump you sooner or later because of her moods. Sad but true. But hey - it's an opportunity for you to meet new people and find someone better. And trust me I know it feels bad because I'm going through a similar situation now.

Edited October 14, 2016 by petroff

[fromheart]

How do I stop thinking about her. Literally everything is reminding me of her. Everything!

 

 

You're looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. Try and remember how she is treating you NOW. If she spoke to you like that after one date, would you see her for a second date?

 

Of course not. Any self respecting man would walk away and not look back.

[dreamingoftigers]

How do I stop thinking about her. Literally everything is reminding me of her. Everything!

 

The primal part of your brain looks around for what's missing for awhile until it can process the loss.

 

The quicker you give it something else to focus on, the better.

 

The healthiest option is self-care.

 

I found hiking saved my sanity.

 

Do you work out?

 

Another book that might be helpful is Taming Your Outer Child.

[Satu]

All the begging and pleading that some people do is a desperate attempt to avoid feeling the pain of a loss often similar to one that occurred in infancy:

 

 

"Smallness, dependence, separateness, feeling you have injured your good object, are all fairly obvious to the eye and not easily denied if one is facing reality. But reality is pretty painful much of the time in childhood, even when you have an intact family that is living harmoniously. Most children naturally gravitate to wishful ideas, the most fundamental of all being the idea that there is magic, and you can have it and instantly erase all of the pains I just outlined.

 

Every area of life that lends itself to the possibility that there might be magic, will be seized for their use as magic. If I put on mom’s bra, it will magically give me breasts and I can feed myself. If I pick up daddy’s cordless drill, I will be able to do anything he can do, maybe even marry mom and be her husband."

 

 

The desperate assertion of how much the person has changed, the belief that just one more conversation will remedy the situation, the idea that one more phone call will fix things, are all examples of magical thinking and manic defences.

 

Healing comes from accepting the loss and facing up to it.

Thats the only place where a healthy grieving process can begin.

 

 

Take care.

[TennisGal]

Respect her wishes. Do not try to take away her "no." It is her right to say no. If you care for her, respect her and walk away.

 

Anything else is stalking and will gain you nothing.

[Ash_cad]

**** I am desperate, the time we had together was incredible for both of us.. she did so much for me and tried so hard. I just didn't put forth the effort like she did.

 

 

Let me tell you a story, I went through this 6 months ago and I can tell you have no chance. In my case we got back together recently but she never told me I had doubts about us, she always enforced she still in love with me and she will never someone the way she did, Always said we had great connection

so was just lots of positives plus there was no EXs in the picture

 

In your case none of the above applies. She is clear she is direct and her answers are deep and straight to the point. dont fool yourself she misses her EX she wants him back. To Travel to see someone or An ex means something. Read between the lines ( me and My ex grew together ) the woman admire him. She has nothing to offer you. Keep your dignity start no contact and move on. she is clear and sounds like a very smart woman who knows what she wants in life.

 

Sorry to be harsh but its the reality, Even if she give you another chance IT WILL NOT work. The Ex has an impact and his name and image will hunt you forever even if you are back together .. There will be insecurity and trust issues.

 

MOVE ON

[William]

After review and 32 posts deleted I will remind everyone to post to the topic. We have plenty of active threads on the general topics of abuse, stalking, and gender traits.... this is not any of those as this thread is dedicated to Hometowns own personal situation ~T

Edited October 16, 2016 by William