What can I do? She won't give me abother chance

[NIGHT1985]

Man I truly get you. I love my ex. I didn't treat her the way she deserved, I'm living with that same regret and guilt. It'll consume you. You've got to accept that you rarely get more than one chance at things in life, everything behind you are lessons. This relationship was a lesson. I know you don't feel like you'll find anyone quite like her, and I get that, I haven't met anyone like my ex, but their not options for us anymore

[NIGHT1985]

Something else that needs to be said. You're not in control of much how she feels anymore, but the way you handle this will greatly structure the way she'll look back on your relationship.

 

Mine went from saying things like "I'll always still love you", "part of me still wants the dreams we both wished for"

 

To totally resenting me, she doesn't even want to know I exist. Why? I was a creep, I didn't respect her boundaries or decision, I kept calling, begging, and lost all my dignity.

 

Just food for thought, let her make her choice, I'd change everything about the way I handled things if I could

[keiji]

Man I truly get you. I love my ex. I didn't treat her the way she deserved, I'm living with that same regret and guilt. It'll consume you. You've got to accept that you rarely get more than one chance at things in life, everything behind you are lessons. This relationship was a lesson. I know you don't feel like you'll find anyone quite like her, and I get that, I haven't met anyone like my ex, but their not options for us anymore

 

The thing you need to ask yourself too is why you (us) didn't give them what they deserved. Were we as invested as we think? Did we truly love them? Did our ego chime in when they got fed up for good? Didn't we really have enough time to devote to them? Don't people find time and energy for their loved ones even if they work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week?

[NIGHT1985]

The thing you need to ask yourself too is why you (us) didn't give them what they deserved. Were we as invested as we think? Did we truly love them? Did our ego chime in when they got fed up for good? Didn't we really have enough time to devote to them? Don't people find time and energy for their loved ones even if they work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week?

 

Yea trust me, I've gone that hole a million times. Maybe I thought I could do better? Maybe I just wanted to be single, maybe it was because she was the strongest woman I've met, and I was afraid of not being able to give her what she wanted.

 

But you know what, I do know if I would of actually tried, we would be together and I'd be happy. She would of worth fighting harder for

[marky00]

many loveshack posters say if they had done better, the relationship wouldn't have ended, I am one of them as well.

 

 

However, there is a counter-argument.

 

 

Often, our pride and dignity naturally kicks in and what usually happens is you subconsciously sense your partner isn't invested as you are, such as for example when you experience a personal issue that puts a strain on the relationship.

 

 

Yes, its true had we been machines with no emotions we would have just shrugged off our issue and soldiered on. But, imagine if your partner had been supportive or tried to seek communication about what was going, I'm pretty sure all of us would have received a huge ego boost out of that and possibly that alone would have set you back on the right path.

 

 

Look, yes its true its up to us to make us happy. But, our partners can make us unhappy by not caring when we need them. What's the point of being in a relationship if they run when we have a problem?

 

 

Im my last relationship I was this machine for years but I finally cracked, when personal issues got too much.

 

 

So yes, for those of you saying you could have done more, understand that your dignity and pride may well have lead you to sit back a bit and see if they would fight for you. When this back-fired, you turned to chasing which made things worse. So even though we loved them, we needed to confirm that they loved us back.

 

 

So don't be to hard on yourselves, there always a reason for our actions, even the ones we may not be proud of.

[keiji]

Yea trust me, I've gone that hole a million times. Maybe I thought I could do better? Maybe I just wanted to be single, maybe it was because she was the strongest woman I've met, and I was afraid of not being able to give her what she wanted.

 

But you know what, I do know if I would of actually tried, we would be together and I'd be happy. She would of worth fighting harder for

 

Well, each case is different, of course. Mine is that of a guy who takes a girl for granted, who makes no effort to see her when he's tired after work, and a long etcetera, and then he gets all desperate when she says she's done. Is that love or something else entirely?

 

I still think that if I had truly loved her, I wouldn't have behaved like I did, and it wouldn't have been an effort to set some time aside for her or be more thoughtful. She loved me and I didn't reciprocate, or at the very least I was too selfish or too scared to give, and now she hates me. Would things change if we tried again? I very much doubt it. We act like we do for a reason (selfishness, thoughtlessness, you name it) and often there's no way back, nor should there be. I'm not saying this is what's happened in the OP's case, but it wouldn't hurt to give it some thought.

Edited October 27, 2016 by keiji

[elaine567]

Interesting.

 

New Research Shows Relationships End in 5 Stages

 

University of Tennessee psychologists Kathrin Ritter, Vanessa Handsel, and Todd Moore (2016) developed a scale to assess the stages that they believed would characterize the ending of close relationships.

 

Factor 1: Precontemplation (no change being considered)

1. I am happy with my relationship as it is.

2. My relationship is fine; there is no need to change it.

3. My relationship is not that bad.

4. There is no need for me to do anything about my relationship.

Factor 2: Contemplation (starting to think about change)

5. Sometimes I think I should end my relationship.

6. I believe that my relationship is not healthy for me.

7. I’m beginning to see that my relationship is a problem.

8. I’m beginning to feel the harmful impact of my relationship.

Factor 3: Preparation (getting ready to end the relationship)

9. Although it is difficult to end my relationship, I am making plans to do it anyway.

10. I have started working on ending my relationship, but I would like some help.

11. I intend to end my relationship within the next month.

12. I intend to end my relationship very soon, but am not sure the best way to do it.

Factor 4: Action (initiating the relationship's end)

13. I have told my partner I am ending the relationship.

14. I talk less to my partner when we’re together.

15. I have started spending more time with other people and less time with my partner.

16. I find myself thinking about my partner less and less.

Factor 5: Maintenance (sticking with the relationship's end)

17. I changed my daily routine to avoid any association with my partner.

18. I avoid places where I know I will see my partner.

19. I have thrown away items that belong to my partner, or taken steps to get rid of things that remind me of him/her.

20. I will never return to my partner.

 

I guess by what she wrote, the gf here is at the Factor 5 stage.

[stillafool]

 

Me:

Seriously tho, It would be nice if we could talk. You have this false image of me and I won't accept leaving things this way. The thought of losing you has changed me. In a way, I'm glad this happened, it forced me to step back and look at myself and make the positive changes I needed. If you would just lower your walls and look. Fortunately I am the most persistent man you know. Especially when it comes to someone so important to me. I will die fighting for you. I don't care how much it takes or how pathetic it makes me look. I know who i am and what i want, and i will leave it all on the floor before I quit. No one will ever fight as hard as me. Just let me say what I need to say and if you still feel the same way, I'll take what I've learned and focus it elsewhere.

 

Her:

I have asked you to stop and you haven't. I have you the opportunity to say what you wanted at Kava and have told you that this isn't what I want. You're trying to force something. I do not see a future with you that's not what I want I don't know how else to say it.

 

Me:

I held my tongue at kava, give me a break and see the changes I have made. I'm not forcing anything, I'm just saying give it a chance. If you gave me one day I could show you. If it's not the best day of your life, then move on, no harm done. You don't see a future with the old me, which I understand. Now that I have the perspective on who I was, you made me fix the issues I needed to address.You created the guy you always wanted, dont just throw it in the garbage before you sample the goods.. I'm gonna call you, I just want to talk for a minute. I won't keep you too long, ok?

 

Her:

I'm busy so no don't call. Finding someone in life isn't about creating them into what you want. You either click or you don't and it's not there for me and nothing you say is going to change that.

 

Me:

You made me a better person is what I'm trying to say.. you helped me become who I want to be... how can you say that? It's just not true, we wouldn't have gotten here if we didn't click.Was it all just fake? Was it just a rebound so you could get over your ugly cheating ex? There has to be more to it.. What arent you telling me? That who you went to see in Colorado the day after my ****ing birthday? Let's just quit lieing and get it all out there

 

Her:

No it wasn't. I wanted it to work but that fire that I want with someone never was there with you. On a romantic, friendship, physical mental level or anything it wasn't there. I tried I really did, I never cheated and I was good to you and I really hoped that that fire was going to be there. But it wasn't and it never will be. And honestly I knew that from the beginning but I was hoping I was wrong because you seemed like a good guy. I need you to respect my wishes though and stop

 

Me:

You are wrong.. I am a good guy. The fire was there, I just wouldn't let it breathe.. I gave you 25% of me because I was scared, I'm ready to give you all of me. ****! Just give me the smallest chance to prove it to you. I deserve that at least. I have never felt or acted this way in my entire life. All I want is a God damn chance to show you how much you mean to me. And to be there for you.Im sorry but you created a monster. All I speak are deep convos now. I have to get all this off my chest. I'm done keeping my feelings locked up... Did you go to Colorado to see your ex? Are you back with him?What aren't you telling me? Just give me the truth, please..

 

Her:

You may be ready now but I'm not. And no I'm not with my ex. Yes I went and saw him in Colorado. Is that why you and I broke up because of him, absolutely not. We broke up because I realized that the connection I had with him I had never felt with you. And me saying that doesn't mean I want to be with him. I have had doubts about you since day 1 and after I had dinner with him it was blatantly clear what I knew all along and that's that you and I weren't supposed to be together. The connection the fire the adventure wasn't there, I couldn't picture myself being happy with you. I've got so much going on in my life now this is about me and growing and embracing life. My ex and I grew all we could I am not trying to get back with him and you and I didn't do any growing in my opinion.

 

Me:

I've done a lot of reading and praying and soul searching these past few weeks and every cell in my body is telling me to fight for this.. Im sorry, i know this is taxing... I know I was not giving you my all. You're right, we did no growing because I was too scared to open up. All that I ask for is that you open your heart and give me the tiny chance I need. To show you how happy I can make you. The connection, the fire, the adventure, all of it. I know we have it, because I have seen the sparks.

I know I ****ed up, I was such an idiot. Letting you walk away was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I've done some dumb ****. I'm not asking for your forgiveness or for you to take me back today. I just want you to know that I really value the time we spent together, and if you ever decided to give me another chance, I would consider myself the luckiest guy on earth.

 

As you can see by her posts it isn't anything that you did or didn't do that is making her break up with you it's just that she isn't in love with you. Stop blaming yourself for the break up because it was going to happen even if you had been by her side every moment.

[Hometown]

Really thinking about texting her, just want to see how she is.. been over 2 weeks nc. She never asked me to stop contacting her.. she asked me to stop trying to persuade her to come back. I truly believe in my heart that I may still have a chance. Im pretty sure her ex brainwashed her into leaving me.. Should I wait longer or go for it.. what do I have to lose? I'm prepared for whatever response I get back.

[Blanco]

You should definitely do it. Better to get a restraining order a few weeks before the holidays than right before them.

[basil67]

Wow. You really don't respect her wishes at all. It's all about you.

[DarrenB]

You're prepared to lose her forever are you?

You're prepared to be ridiculed and end up with charges against you?

 

How about you do the correct thing, be a bloody man, respect that she's told you on multiple occasions there is no chance to reconcile and to just simply, leave her alone. What more do you need to hear? so what if someone's brainwashing her? so what if something else? It shouldn't concern you anymore. 2 weeks 'No Contact' is nothing. I'm almost 100% certain you've browsed her pages, probably texted/rang her anyway. You need to stop believing in your in-denial mind that there is hope.

 

I told you, your actions will reflect on other people's actions for the future. If she makes absolutely no effort to get at you, and you're the only one doing it. You're not helping yourself.

 

She hasn't said 'don't contact me anymore' because she's actually been trying to handle this with a mature attitude. You however, are not. Stop, now. What the hell are you thinking? She's said everything else to you. She has made it PERFECTLY clear that it wasn't working, it never really did. You cannot help that. Now refrain from interfering in this girl's life. You saw one thing, she saw another. You felt one thing, she felt another. Vise versa.

[elaine567]

Really thinking about texting her, just want to see how she is.. been over 2 weeks nc. She never asked me to stop contacting her.. she asked me to stop trying to persuade her to come back. I truly believe in my heart that I may still have a chance. Im pretty sure her ex brainwashed her into leaving me.. Should I wait longer or go for it.. what do I have to lose? I'm prepared for whatever response I get back.

 

Please don''t.

Please re-read what she wrote to you.

That is a woman who is rationally and concisely telling you it is over, she doesn't want YOU. YOU are not the man for her, she sees no future with you.

NO amount of "love" on your side, will change that.

 

Forget "brain washing" by the ex, what is that all about?

Listen to yourself, that is madness talking.

 

She is a woman who knows her own mind telling a man to leave her alone, as she no longer wants to be in a relationship with him. She couldn't really have said it any plainer, there is NO " I am confused", "I do not know what I want", "Maybe we could try again", "Maybe I was a bit harsh" , "I love you so much" etc.etc. which may have indicated she was open to discussion at least, but here there is nothing like that.

 

She is adamant - nowhere does she give any hint that she wants you back - the very opposite, she wants YOU to leave her alone.

Please respect her wishes.

[noski]

Really thinking about texting her, just want to see how she is.. been over 2 weeks nc. She never asked me to stop contacting her.. she asked me to stop trying to persuade her to come back. I truly believe in my heart that I may still have a chance. Im pretty sure her ex brainwashed her into leaving me.. Should I wait longer or go for it.. what do I have to lose? I'm prepared for whatever response I get back.

 

From the messages you posted in the initial post,she seemed really mature ,assertive,and not like someone who's been compelled to do anything by an ex.

I think you need to respect her boundaries,and words because she was cut and dry .

Do you really love her or do you miss the way she made you feel ?because If you truly love her,you will set her free and respect her no matter how heartbreaking it is .

Fight it ,write it over here,in a diary,,talk to friends ,to anyone else BUT HER right now because you are showing her exactly who you are should you choose to behave this way and actions speak louder than words .Shee won't need any convincing .

Even If you think you still have a chance ,timing matters and I believe it's not the ripe time for that but yes it's hard by you have to channel all the strength in your being to let go and keep your dignity and self respect.

Remember the first thing she said was "I told you to stop but you didn't" ...So you really need to be mindful here.

Stay Strong you can do this .

Edited October 28, 2016 by noski

[Hometown]

at this point I don't even care if I get her back or not.. I would obviously prefer that she did, but I'm ok if she doesn't. I just want to try and be friends and be a part of her life. She made a huge difference in myour life, and I would like to keep her in it

[DarrenB]

We can only advise you here. Sometimes, you need to hear the brutal honesty and the severity of which a situation can get. If we were to tell you differently, and put you in a mindset full of hope and motivation to do something incredibly hasty, with no thought process and could potentially ruin your present and future, then that's not helping you at all is it?

 

You need to hear how it is. To understand the do's and don'ts of situations, and this is one of them.

[DarrenB]

at this point I don't even care if I get her back or not.. I would obviously prefer that she did, but I'm ok if she doesn't. I just want to try and be friends and be a part of her life. She made a huge difference in myour life, and I would like to keep her in it

 

Well no, I'm sorry. Just no. Just because YOU want something, doesn't mean the other person wants it. She made a huge difference in your life? cherish it. Remember it for all of the positive. But, at the end of the day, you need to realize you messed up (we all do; we're human) and she acknowledged that, tried to make it work and failed in the process. Let it go.

 

I'll be honest again with you. You're selfish. You, are an incredibly selfish person. You're not thinking about her, you're not thinking about how she's handling the entire B/U and how she's coping. You only care about getting that one thing in your life back that gave it meaning. That, in itself, is selfish. Being friends with someone of whom you love, is difficult. It will require ALOT of time before you can even get to that stage. Giving it '2 weeks NC' is nothing. You're not respecting her, and you're surely not respecting yourself as a proclaimed man.

 

Why are you not understanding? What's your age again? because to be honest, you're acting like someone younger than me. I'm 18...

[Blanco]

at this point I don't even care if I get her back or not.. I would obviously prefer that she did, but I'm ok if she doesn't. I just want to try and be friends and be a part of her life. She made a huge difference in myour life, and I would like to keep her in it

 

Who are you trying to fool here with this obvious bunch of nonsense? Certainly no one who has read all of the things you've posted that totally contradict the above.

[elaine567]

People can only be truly friends with exes, when there is enough emotional distance between them, that neither is holding a torch for the other.

Both expect nothing more than a friendship.

 

Here you desperately want her back, so how on earth can you be "just" friends?

 

YOU will be persistently pushing for more, and she will be continually fending you off with a stick.

[NIGHT1985]

at this point I don't even care if I get her back or not.. I would obviously prefer that she did, but I'm ok if she doesn't. I just want to try and be friends and be a part of her life. She made a huge difference in myour life, and I would like to keep her in it

 

 

 

Yea... no.. I tried doing that with my ex while she was dating the guy she's with. **** can't work, not so soon. You need many months, if not a year between you two

[ExpatInItaly]

OP - be honest with yourself, at the very least.

 

You are hoping that by being friends, you will somehow get her back. She will see right through your "friendly" gestures and it will annoy her.

 

If you wish to further irritate her and confirm for her that she made the right decision breaking up with you and lose any remaining speck of respect she might have had for you...then go ahead and text her.

 

Her ex didn't brainwash her into anything. She just isn't into you. Sorry, but you need to respect her boundary. Just because you want to be "friends" certainly doesn't mean she will comply.

[Hometown]

I am a mess still.. when/how did I become such a puss? I know there are plenty other women but why can't I let this one go? Literally have never acted like this for even a couple days let alone almost 2 months now.. As unhealthy as I know it to be, I just won't let myself move on from this girl. I want to, but I keep pumping myself up and finding hope where there is none to be found. My whole life is consumed by trying and praying to figure out how for my girl to realize what we had and come back. I know, I know. I'm in denial, stupid, crazy, pathetic, etc... Sorry. Love has turned me crazy and weak.

[SoulCat]

I am a mess still.. when/how did I become such a puss? I know there are plenty other women but why can't I let this one go? Literally have never acted like this for even a couple days let alone almost 2 months now.. As unhealthy as I know it to be, I just won't let myself move on from this girl. I want to, but I keep pumping myself up and finding hope where there is none to be found. My whole life is consumed by trying and praying to figure out how for my girl to realize what we had and come back. I know, I know. I'm in denial, stupid, crazy, pathetic, etc... Sorry. Love has turned me crazy and weak.

 

 

Stop referring to her as 'my girl'. She's not your girl anymore.

 

Also, this doesn't sound like love to me. All I read in your post is obsession.

And obsession with another person will never lead to a healthy, balanced relationship.

 

For your own wellbeing as well as hers, you need to let her go.

[Blanco]

Five months.

 

That is not love.

[Hometown]

Real helpful