Allowing Wife Outside Sex

[BettyDraper]

The fact that you have no attraction for your wife is a big red flag. I might have some cuckold urges, but, they stem from being very attracted to my wife and wanting to give her something special. (She's only been with me her whole life.)

 

If there was no agenda and this was a pure benevolent and selfless act, I would suggest the following:

 

1) Ask her if she has ever fantasized being with another man. If you get her to open up, she will probably admit she has, because of her sex drive and because you are not taking care of business. If she admits fantasizing about other men, act hurt and outraged. Tell her you love her and would never allow it.

 

2) A few weeks later, tell her you've been thinking about that conversation and that you understand why she would fantasize about being with other man, and you are not mad at her anymore. Tell her that if she was ever tempted to cheat on you, that she should talk to you about it first. Tell her you are willing to put your insecurities and jealousy aside, for the sake of her happiness and for the sake of not losing her, if it ever came to that.

 

3) Leave the ball in her court. If you push her to have an affair she will be insulted and feel like you are trying to dump her on someone else.

 

It's troubling that you are advising WPN to be this manipulative.

[sandylee1]

It's troubling that you are advising WPN to be this manipulative.

 

I agree. It'sa horrible thing to do.

 

Those actions are very manipulative. Asking if she has a fantasy about other men and then feigning being hurt about it.

 

Just fess up about the side effects of the meds and your low libido, then ask her if you satisfy her sexually. Depending on her answer ...... take it from there.

 

I'd much prefer honestyfrom my husband, if we were in this situation.

[sandylee1]

After checking out a couple of your threads .... it's clear your wife was second best to your Ex. You're still hung up on her and wanting to meet her. Strange that you mention your wife's weight, when your weight gain was the reason your Ex started cutting you off from sex according to you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, this seems to be a bit of a controversial topic to post on a forum like this one as it would be more appropriate and would get more sympathetic responses on an alternative lifestyle forum.

 

With that out of the way I have to say that these kinds of fantasies are best left as that and should not be realised in one's actual life. At best they are double edged swords and at worst they can lead to the breakup of an otherwise stable marriage. While I won't say that there are no success stories involving such a scenario and when they succeed they prove the adage "Nothing succeeds like success" more often than not they end in tears.

 

My own thinking about this is that there is a voyeuristic tendency in any man who wishes to put his wife with other men. A man desiring this fantasy to materialise gets turned on by the thought that his wife is a slut and will sleep with other men to satisfy her sexual desires. Of course the men camouflage their own motives by making it out that they are magnanimous in their desire for their wives to be happy and that they are not jealous of other men bedding them as long as the wife remembers who her husband is and comes home to him.

 

To be honest once you open the door to such a fantasy in real life you have opened a Pandora's box and as is said so often here on this very forum, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. If one's wife really likes her new found freedom she will probably flout any rules which were decided on in advance and will constantly push the envelope beyond what her husband may have visualized. This apart my own opinion on this is that the husband's view of his wife deep within him is that of a sex object and not of an equal partner in what should be a sacrosanct union. The fact is that if one truly loves one's wife and holds her in the highest regard one cannot imagine her being intimate with someone else. That kind of intimacy cannot be shared with anyone else without disrespecting one's wife and considering her to be nothing else but a sex object. I know that there are many people, even here on this forum who will not agree with my views and I respect their opinion as I respect the opinion of any one who may disagree with me on other matters. However by the same token I hope they respect my opinion. I remember reading a comment by someone who had experimented with giving his wife this so called freedom, on another forum. He said that the once special bond that he and his wife shared seemed to have dissipated and that he was deeply hurt by this. So WPN, you have your choices ahead of you. I guess all sides of the question have been discussed and you now only have to decide what you want to do. Warm wishes.

[oldshirt]

You're not attracted to her and don't desire her sexually for yourself.

 

You don't have a sexdrive.

 

You are cool with her boinking other men so she doesn't suffer from lack of sexuality and affections etc.

 

So let me ask you a serious question for which I want an honest and sincere answer - Why not just offer up an amicable divorce and each of you do whatever you each want?

 

Why are you wanting to remain married while she hooks up with other dudes on the side?

[oldshirt]

And my other serious question for which I would like an open and honest answer is has she made any complaints or comments about being sexually frustrated or dissatisfied and has she said anything about wanting any kind of outside sexual contact?

[spanz1]

You're not attracted to her and don't desire her sexually for yourself.

 

You don't have a sexdrive.

 

You are cool with her boinking other men so she doesn't suffer from lack of sexuality and affections etc.

 

So let me ask you a serious question for which I want an honest and sincere answer - Why not just offer up an amicable divorce and each of you do whatever you each want?

 

Why are you wanting to remain married while she hooks up with other dudes on the side?

 

 

i can think of a number of reasons to stay married. Share the housing and finances, share taking care of each other, split the tasks around th house. Maybe they love each other still, but in a totally non sexual way.

 

 

So i would turn it around, if they ARE willing to divorce amicably, why NOT try opening up the marriage to sex with others. What is the worst that can happen? That they break up and have a divorce, which apparently was the first option too! what, at this point, do they have to lose?

[DarrenB]

What's the point of marriage if you or her are going to allow something as preposterous as that? There's so much more to devotion and perpetual love than just sex and intimacy within that area. Also, like other members have stated above, there's a huge variety of ways in which you can satisfy her whilst also not including your own manlihood.

[oldshirt]

i can think of a number of reasons to stay married. Share the housing and finances, share taking care of each other, split the tasks around th house. Maybe they love each other still, but in a totally non sexual way.

 

 

So i would turn it around, if they ARE willing to divorce amicably, why NOT try opening up the marriage to sex with others. What is the worst that can happen? That they break up and have a divorce, which apparently was the first option too! what, at this point, do they have to lose?

 

I get all that.

 

I just want to hear his side of it and hear his rationale.

[Thegameoflife]

I've heard of men doing this before. If you're marriage gets to this point, it's already over. Strangely, I've never heard of women allowing their husbands to do this--only men allowing their wives. You'd think, based on stereotypes, that this would be the opposite. Add that to the litany of shattered illusions I've had regarding men and women as I've gotten older.

 

The reason is because sex isn't a given for men. For most men, unless they want to pay for it, couldn't just go out and find a partner that day, or even within a week. Women could go out any day and meet a sexual partner, as long as their standards aren't beyond their attractiveness. Do to this sexual inequality, there is also an unequal reaction where women deal with rejection much more poorly than men do. For some men, they'll do anything to appease their wife and end that mood. Probably some evolutionary forces at work here.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is this really about meeting your wife's sexual needs- or some backwards attempt at manipulating her to sleep with someone else so you can use it against her? Based on your posts- we know you don't think you ever truly loved her; you're not attracted to her; you are hung up on an ex; you were considering divorce only a year ago; and your wife is distinctly aware of your wandering heart and thinks she's second best, a belief you have not so much as attempted to refute.

 

Given all the problems in your marriage, why do you think opening it up is a good idea? Are you looking for more problems to justify your own cheating or a divorce? Or are you just that bored with your life? I feel bad for your wife- I don't think you love her, yet you've kept her on the hook all these years by being passive.

 

I think you need serious therapy.

[NuevoYorko]

Why would this be your go-to solution, rather than making an effort to meet her sexual needs? I'm with those who think you are looking for a way to get rid of her, without being straightforward and owning it.

[Mumbles]

So are you both still having sex, affections with each other?

 

Oh yes, we're both very affectionate with each other. Sex at least 1-2 times a week. We're into our 4th year of marriage, so no longer 3 times a day

 

My point in relaying this personal anecdote is to reassure readers that there is more than one way, the traditional way, to enjoy and have a good marriage. The trick is in finding someone to share your life with who is broadly compatible with you and is mature enough to understand themselves, their real wants and needs.

 

For almost my entire life I kidded myself into believing that the PC/traditional way was the way for me. It clearly wasn't true, but self deceit can run deep.

 

Mind that I'm not saying a divergent lifestyle is good for everyone, nor even for 'most'. Whats important is being true to yourself and not playing silly games with either yourself or your partners/friends.

[Cephalopod]

Wookin pa nub in aw de wong paces...wookin pa nub in too many ......

 

So you want to farm your wife out to the minor league players huh?

[Mumbles]

Hi Folks, this seems to be a bit of a controversial topic to post on a forum like this one as it would be more appropriate and would get more sympathetic responses on an alternative lifestyle forum.

 

Yes, indeed. I am constantly surprised that the strong westernized PC view that pervades this forum - that despite the very nature of the forum and its reason for existence.

 

With that out of the way I have to say that these kinds of fantasies are best left as that and should not be realised in one's actual life. At best they are double edged swords and at worst they can lead to the breakup of an otherwise stable marriage. While I won't say that there are no success stories involving such a scenario and when they succeed they prove the adage "Nothing succeeds like success" more often than not they end in tears.

 

Despite my own experience to the contrary, overall, I'd agree with your statement. Very often fantasy around cuckolding, dogging, swinging, etc, is just that, a fantasy, and best left in that realm.

 

 

My own thinking about this is that there is a voyeuristic tendency in any man who wishes to put his wife with other men. A man desiring this fantasy to materialise gets turned on by the thought that his wife is a slut and will sleep with other men to satisfy her sexual desires. Of course the men camouflage their own motives by making it out that they are magnanimous in their desire for their wives to be happy and that they are not jealous of other men bedding them as long as the wife remembers who her husband is and comes home to him.

 

Mmm. I think for mine I do have a latent cuckold fantasy. But I don't come at it from the angle of putting my wife out there to be satisfied by other men. I know I satisfy my wife when we're together sexually, theres not a doubt in my mind about that. She also satisfies me. It isn't pent up sexual urge or dissatisfaction that drives our lifestyle choice here.

 

 

To be honest once you open the door to such a fantasy in real life you have opened a Pandora's box and as is said so often here on this very forum, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. If one's wife really likes her new found freedom she will probably flout any rules which were decided on in advance and will constantly push the envelope beyond what her husband may have visualized.

 

Yes and no imho. Certainly, this genie, once released, cannot be contained. But that last, the

 

'probably flout any rules which were decided on in advance and will constantly push the envelope beyond what her husband may have visualized.'

 

implies the husband controlling the wife and her body, and that just isn't right in my view. No-one should be controlled. People do things that they want to do.

 

This apart my own opinion on this is that the husband's view of his wife deep within him is that of a sex object and not of an equal partner in what should be a sacrosanct union. The fact is that if one truly loves one's wife and holds her in the highest regard one cannot imagine her being intimate with someone else.

 

I view it the other way around. If I were to 100% control access to my wifes body, then surely _I_ am viewing her as a sexual toy, that I own and is mine to enjoy at my own whims. This sits very badly in my mind.

 

My wifes body is hers to control. If she doesn't want to have sex with other men then thats her choice. If she does, well, thats her choice too. Honestly, people will, ultimately, do what they want to do. If you view your partner as a mature self directed person, in control of their own person and future, then being monogamous or not is surely -their- choice ... not yours???

 

I remember reading a comment by someone who had experimented with giving his wife this so called freedom, on another forum. He said that the once special bond that he and his wife shared seemed to have dissipated and that he was deeply hurt by this.

 

I agree with this. Its not the norm and therefore, by definition, is a deviant lifestyle. One need think long and hard before entering and maintaining a partnership whereby this type of life choice is going to be a reality. But this is more about choosing your partner carefully than anything else. As I say above, my experience is that people will, ultimately, do what they want, they really will. Look at the stats on affairs and marriage breakdown due to sexual problems - its huge.

[Mumbles]

i can think of a number of reasons to stay married. Share the housing and finances, share taking care of each other, split the tasks around th house. Maybe they love each other still, but in a totally non sexual way.

 

I agree. This idea of monogamous marriage is only a relatively recent phenomena. For ages untold marriage was about far more than controlling the body of ones partner.

 

What about company? Support, financially, emotionally? Having and sharing life experiences? Growing old together? The experience of human love and togetherness should surely be able to transcend the physical joining of reproductive organs?

 

So i would turn it around, if they ARE willing to divorce amicably, why NOT try opening up the marriage to sex with others. What is the worst that can happen? That they break up and have a divorce, which apparently was the first option too! what, at this point, do they have to lose?

 

Indeed!

 

However, for the benefit of readers, I should mention that my perspective and the words I write here are coming from an older man who is now past the stage of life where the having of children is important (and the same for my wife). Those things have been lived and dealt with in younger years.

 

For the OP, I don't know where he is at children wise - this could colour everything thats been said I suspect by both myself and other responders.

[Mumbles]

Also, like other members have stated above, there's a huge variety of ways in which you can satisfy her whilst also not including your own manlihood.

 

Last comment for today - sorry folks. Had to weigh in on this though.

 

My current wife wouldn't be satisfied with this. We like to fool about, sure, don't we all, but she needs to 'feel the cock' (her words, not mine).

 

I know that a lot of women are indeed fully satisfied in other ways, but for some, my mrs included, foreplay and oral and general messing about is a prelude, not an end unto itself. She'd end up terrifically frustrated if all we did was oral/toys.

[William]

Noting the thread starter has apparently departed and discussion has moved on into others marriages or experiences, I'm going to table this pending the return of the thread starter and their desire to engage further. Feel free to continue other topics elsewhere on the forum and, for the thread starter, hit that 'alert us' button on this post should you like this thread reopened to update or comment. Thanks and have a good evening!