When will he finally leave his wife?

[whichwayisup]

It's been over two years and he's still living with his wife. When will he finally leave?

 

Chances are, he won't.

 

Question is, why are you still with a MM who won't divorce his wife? You're wasting your precious heart and energy on a man who's not putting you first and not making you a high priority in his life.

[whichwayisup]

lady he says this is his first affair, that he's never done this before and he wouldn't have but he was just so attracted to me we just couldn't help ourselves.

 

That's not love, it's lust. Big difference.

 

I haven't really read much here yet, just starting to read, I just feel like we're special, we've weathered so much.

 

Weathered what? More than he and his wife? What you could two have gone through during your affair that truly has 'tested' your love for one another? What's the glue that hold you to him? Sadly to say, it isn't as strong nor more than as what he has with his wife, if it was, he'd be divorced already and with you full time. Actions show nothing and his words are full of empty promises to keep you in his life.

 

But there are men who do leave, he is a good man, his wife is just terrible and I feel so bad for him, she's basically keeping his trapped.

 

DO you truly believe his wife is a terrible person and has him 'trapped'? He has you so manipulated and snowed it's not funny.

 

I know you think you 'know' him but really you only know him in an affair setting, behind closed doors.

[whichwayisup]

Lilly I don't feel it's like that, he doesn't spend any time with his wife at all.

 

You don't know what he does at home behind closed doors, if they sleep together and have family time, do family outings and celebrations, holidays etc.

 

Please find the love and respect for yourself. Put yourself first and remove yourself from his life, if you keep going in this affair, you're going to waste your life on someone who is perfectly happy having two women in his life meeting all his needs. And your heart will be torn apart.

[whichwayisup]

Well she told my family about the affair, has threatened to send a letter to my work telling them. This could threaten my job and my professional reputation (he and I met at work)

 

I guess because he told me so, but he started telling me stuff long before there was ever anything between us but friendship, so why would he have lied then?

 

I can see see lying if it's more than friends but before?

 

I am reading

 

This is just part of the consequence of having an A with a MM, let alone one you work with. She has every right to "out" your affair with her husband to your family, your work office and anybody else. She is fighting for her marriage.

 

Please don't fool yourself into thinking he'll never ever lie or omit truths to you. You have NO idea what he's told her about you, for all you know he's said you were crushing on him and won't leave him alone. Never say never. Many MM throw their OW under the bus.

[Forever broken]

I don't know whether all these married men are taking a class on how to have an affair and remain married. All these stories are similar. Am sorry you find yourself in this situation but is time to exit his life. You deserve better.

[sandylee1]

I think you have quite a cheek to get angry with her for telling your family and place of work, when you are the third party in their marriage.

 

Why do you think she should care about you loosing your job, when you don't care about sleeping with her husband?

 

What did your family think? Because the fact it annoyed you suggests they weren't thrilled about it. No decent family, with morals and values would be happy about it.

 

If anyone ever contacted me to say my daughter was having an affair with their husband, I'd be furious with my daughter.

 

You don't get to have an affair with a MM and not expect any consequences when it gets exposed. That's extremely naive.

 

Assuming he is being truthful about not being happy with her, but that he'sjust a paycheck, what's going to change? He's going to continue being a paycheck and it will cost him more in a divorce. So the bottom line is, the money is more important to him than you or his happiness.

 

Or he gets happiness with you as the willing mistress and he gets to keep his cash. Now why would he want to rock the boat?

 

Don't waste your youthful /fertile/best years (if you are on the younger side) with him, only to be dumped later on.

[Forever broken]

 

Please don't fool yourself into thinking he'll never ever lie or omit truths to you. You have NO idea what he's told her about you, for all you know he's said you were crushing on him and won't leave him alone. Never say never. Many MM throw their OW under the bus.

 

Yes some married men do throw other women under the bus. I am living proof.

[ChickiePops]

You know him. Nobody here does. Why do you think he hasn't left his wife yet?

[Jemima1234]

You know what- maybe your situation is different to most of ours, maybe he will leave, maybe he truly loves you, maybe he is genuinely only there for financial reasons. Maybe. And I truly hope so for your sake.

 

But maybe not! Maybe yours is another story like so many of ours. You only know what he tells you. And I truly hope that's not it because you have so much pain ahead. Tho my xMM never future faked with me - I knew he wouldn't leave.

 

But here is my advice. Tell him you love him, and want to be with him. Then say you are cutting contact completely. But that he can contact you again once he has left. Then start a proper relationship if he does - take it one day at a time. If he does really love you, if he means he is leaving - then he will leave.

 

i feel your pain. How much time do you spend with him? How much contact do you have? Daily?

[imperfectangel]

OP I feel really bad for you. I think you're in for a world of hurt. Please google or search on here for future faking. He isn't going to leave.

 

If you don't believe us set him a date. Please him he needs to leave by the 31st otherwise you will end it. Tell him you deserve better etc and see what he says

[wmacbride]

Op,

you love this guy, but ask yourself this.

What you you be willing to do to be with him? If you had to change jobs, move out of town, let him move in with you if he left his wife, defend him and his actions to your family, risk your work reputation, etc., etc., etc,..

 

How far are you willing to go and what are you willing to give up to be with him?

 

Given what you've written on here, I'd say you'd be very willing to endure just about anything to be with him.

 

Now ask yourself why you and the love you have for him is not enough him to give up "everything he's worked for". Why is he not willing to sacrifice to be in a full time,open and committed relationship with you?

 

As it stands right now, both you and his wife and the ones in pain and paying the price for him to have both a comfy home life and an affair on the side. Why should both of you be the only ones who have to suffer for the sake of him being with you? What is he willing to ensure for the relationship?

 

btw, the idea that he can't divorce his wife because he will lose everything he's worked for doesn't jive with someone who is willing to risk it all by having an affair. It's even stranger that his wife knows who you and your family are, was able to contact you and them directly, etc. and the A is still ongoing.

 

that sounds much more like a bs who has been cheated on before by him. She knows the drill and what to do. He's probably painted you as someone who chased him,and who now won't leave him alone. If his marriage is so bad, he has a golden opportunity and someone to catch him ( you) if he did leave...yet he still stays.

[waterwoman]

Define 'horrible person' for me.

 

Is your opinion on her based on the fact that she exposed the affair? if so a lot of people suggest exposure as a good way of ending an affair for BS. Like it or not it can be a very effective tool. She was also hurting and traumatised. As anyone would be. Cut her some slack.

 

Is it based on what he told you? In which case he doesn't have to downright lie to give you that impression. He only has to exaggerate the bad and minimise the good. I am sure you are inclined to believe him anyway so it's an easy job for him to convince you she's dreadful.

 

Will he leave her? Who knows but IME (very limited in RL admittedly) and on here MM who leave tend to do so quite quickly. It doesn't sound like you have got yourself a leaver based on a few things you have told us:

 

1. It's been two years and he's really miserable - why stay when you have a willing partner to move on to?

2. He has a dday which would have been the perfect occasion to leave - after all the bad news had been broken to her - the dirty work was done.

[jenkins95]

You're single because you haven't allowed another man in your life. MM is always in the picture. Single guys don't stand a chance.

 

Give him an ultimatum. "Are you in or out? Are you going to spend the holidays with me or not?"

 

Good shout buddy... Maybe you have to lay it out (((independentWoman))) and set a time frame beyond which you will end the relationship. However lovely and sweet he is, he is being very selfish and doing you a disservice keeping you hanging on like this.

 

You say there is no sex or love between them, she only sees him as a paycheck and they spend almost no time together. If this is true why on earth are they both hanging on? If they are reasonable people, they can work out the finances fairly and amicably can't they?

 

If you are genuinely the one for him, and he has absolutely no love towards or from her, then no amount of money in the world... Or begging... Should keep him away from you.

 

I wish you all the best IW. We are here for you! I think you have be a bit tougher on him, stop making excuses for him and letting him get off the hook. Tell him that you can't wait around forever and you want to set a concrete date for him moving out.

 

By the way, you say he spends almost no time with her, does this mean he spends lots of time with you? Does he effectively live with you? And what do his kids think about all this? They are grown up right? Surely if they see their parents are living in a shell of a marriage, as reasonable adults, they would want both parents to be able to move on and have another shot of happiness?

 

Keep posting!

[Bialy]

This is heartbreaking to read. I hate that this man has strung you along for 2 years with so many excuses.

 

When a man wants to be with a woman, he wouldn't wait years. And that's the truth!

 

I hope you realize and come to grips with the reality! You have been given very good feedback and advice.

[jenkins95]

Just read this thread thoroughly all the way through again. Wow, there are some amazing posts here.

 

OP, please don't think that we are just being mean to you. Know that we speak from experience, very painful experience. You would probably be amazed to know how many members here would have rolled their eyes and said 'Here we go again!' to themselves when they read your OP with all the lines like 'we are special', 'his wife is a complete b*tch', 'they are not sleeping together', 'she is trapping him', he never lies to me', 'he can't leave at the moment', etc, etc, etc. The thing is, this is standard fare. We have read this hundreds of times. We are being firm with you because we want to help you and stop you getting further hurt because the path you are on normally takes a very familiar, very frustrating, very painful, very predictable course and we want to help save you from walking any further down that painful path.

 

As for your next steps, well I think Jemima put it perfectly......

 

"But here is my advice. Tell him you love him, and want to be with him. Then say you are cutting contact completely. But that he can contact you again once he has left. Then start a proper relationship if he does - take it one day at a time. If he does really love you, if he means he is leaving - then he will leave."

 

This exactly!! Put the ball firmly in his court and then go strict NC. Don't make it easy for him to live a double life - it has to be her or you - simple. It's not fair on her and it's not fair on you living as you are now.

 

All the brilliant contributors to this thread, I send you a virtual standing ovation - brilliant stuff. IW you really would be foolish not to take all this brilliant advice very seriously.

 

You can get past this - we'll help you!

Edited October 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[ChickiePops]

Lilly I don't feel it's like that, he doesn't spend any time with his wife at all.

 

He lives with you?

[cocorico]

IW, I am (once again) going to be the contrary voice on this thread. I won't tell you that if he hasn't left after two years, he's not going to leave - I'm living proof that that's garbage. My H left his XBW after 3 and a bit years of A. Another member's fMM left his XBW and was finally divorced after 10 years. There is no normal for "when will he finally leave his wife?" They leave when - if - they are ready.

 

But I _will_ tell you that you should not wait. If the R that you have today with your lover is not adding to your life; if your life as it is today is not better with him in it *in the A* than without that; if you're not happy having he R you already have with him.... then leave. Tomorrow isn't promised. Nor is his leaving, whatever he may claim. Putting your life on hold for a wish that may or may not come true is a waste. You will never get that time back.

 

If you are happier with him - as things stand - than without, then continue, and enjoy it. And one day, perhaps, he may leave. Some do, but many don't. Don't hold your breath. If you are holding on in the hope of something better, don't. Accept that this is all it may ever be. If that's enough for you, for now, relish it. One day if it's not, or if it's not already, then leave. Otherwise you will simply stockpile resentment.

 

Only you can tell if you're happier with him in the A than you would be elsewise. Only you can tell if investing more time right now, knowing this is all it may ever be, is wise. For me it was, for others, not so. It depends on your R, your needs, your circumstances. You need to make that call, and act on it. He is making his own choices, but you should be making yours.

[pheonixrisen]

But he says he's leaving, that he loves me, just things keep coming up that aren't his fault. His wife is really horrible, he says they don't talk or sleep together. He promises he IS going to leave, just with all that life has thrown at him it's been hard. I am trying to be patient, but it's hard after all this time.

 

Hi bs here ...yes all of the above my husband has told our ow...but the reality was I am not horrible far from it . ..he slept in my bed everyday and also told me everyday of his 2 year affair he is in love with me ...

 

If any one is horrible it's your mm for trying to fool 2 women successfully ...and you too for playing a part in it knowing he is married and encouraging him anyway ...

 

If his wife is that horrible

They don't talk

They don't have sex

 

What exactly is stopping him to leave for the woman

who he does talk too

does have sex with

and is not horrible

 

You are make believing to protect your own mind because you are just a number if not you someone else ..you want to believe he is a good guy that he is only doing this with you ...you want to believe you are a great woman and you are doing this for love this one time it's okay as she is a horrible woman so it's okay to encourage her husband to do it to her .. where are your facts that she is a demon

 

Just his words ...well the known fact is he is already a cheating liar

 

So let's hurry this process ..why be patient go to his home knock on the door tell his wife I am sleeping with your husband for 2 years we have a relationship ...you guys talk or sleep together why not give him a divorce and we all can move on happily

 

And see if he recognises you ...see who becomes the horrible woman here ...I mean you would be making this whole process easy for him if you do it sooner rather than later why wait another 2 years ...go ahead good luck

[independentwoman]

Why did that make you angry? You are sleeping with HER husband. You are interfering with her M and her life, then you get angry becuase she goes and interferes in yours? Show some compassion. This poor woman is clearly in pain.

 

He told me they were separated but living together until their youngest child was done school, he said she agreed to that then changed her mind and got angry and did all this stuff.

[independentwoman]

No, I am not "happy." But, I do have a little bit of peace inside because I am doing this for myself. Surprisingly, I find I can laugh and enjoy parts of my life that I was unable to enjoy (because he wasn't there doing those things with me) when I was tied up with him. I feel indifferent now and that is better than anger or hate. I can speak to him now without hoping for anything or caring.

 

Don't be sorry for me. I deserve it. I was the dumb@$$. Not him. He told me who he was many times and I kept the blinders on and kept hoping. I didn't heed the warnings here full on and did it my way. My own fault. Run away.

 

That seems so hard Daisy.

[independentwoman]

I guess you have to wonder about a man who would cause such pain to his wife - and to you of course. I've been in the same boat, a boat which of course sank.

 

But of course it is up to you as well. You have a choice.

 

He said he hasn't loved her in years and that she hasn't loved him, that they just stayed together for the kids, but reading here I guess a lot of them say that.

[independentwoman]

How did he get from "Just friends" to "More than just friends" to 'in your knickers'?

 

It's all the words, the shared intimacies & more words. Ugh! I HATE this but let me give you an example.... my husband is well known as "the nicest guy in the world". Once I'd been hit with the agonizing truth that he was having an affair I searched our computer systems & found their messages.

 

It started on Linked-In so I have the first 6 messages before he asked her to create a secret account with him. In those 6 messages he quoted the Bible (He's a passionate atheist!) and country & western music (His favorite bands are Rush & Pink Floyd!!).

 

I was so messed-up at the time that I asked him if he wanted to start going to church, buy new music? He laughed out loud & said "Haven't you heard of Google?!? Come-on, you know me better than that!!". I'm sorry. I know that you believe that it's all true & no-one would sink that low...there is a chance that he really is a special little snowflake but that's so rare, particularly after THIS long & the excuses he's giving.

 

 

You're probably thinking "She just a bitter wife who got cheated on & deserved it!". I'll give you advise that I try to live by. Just list the FACTS. The evidence. Anyone can say anything.

 

* He can't leave because of money complications.

 

How is that going to change? He can't sort his finances in YEARS!!

YOU don't mean enough for him to loose some of his money!!

He's a miserable man who would rather live with agony & torture than loose some cash. What does that say about him?

 

 

She's such a horrible woman that she threatened to tell people the TRUTH! She was shattered, in shock, desperately trying to save her family & her sanity, her history & her future. The worst thing you can say about her cruel revenge was 'She threatened to ruin my REPUTATION by telling people who I'm in a relationship with!!'.

 

 

We are typing to complete strangers to feel a connection, understanding & support! This world can be so lonely. I have dear childhood friends who are single. All the rest of us coupled, married, had kids. Their lives just went a different way.

 

When we were all young it was easy. We all hung-out together with friends of friends. A couple would split-up & each would meet others, bringing new friends of friends into the group. There was never the fear of being alone.

 

I was recently emailing with a friend about dating & she said how lonely she is. She just wants someone to share the everyday mundane things of life with at the end of the day. She wants to be held. She doesn't want to put the kids to bed & sit on the sofa alone, night after night after night. She doesn't want to always be the single one when friends get together.

 

My friend has tried dating sites & hates it. We were talking about how it used to be. Going out in groups & just 'clicking' with someone.

 

It must be horrible to be truly lonely. Is THIS better? Truly?

 

List all of the negatives. Think about what you could be doing to improve yourself & your life if you weren't tried-up with a man who will NEVER be there. No holidays. No valentines. If you're in hospital? If you're sick & need someone?

 

Get a dog & go to the dog park!!

 

Or stalk them on Facebook & cry at their smiling faces on their anniversaries, kids weddings, vacations etc.

 

He's never going to leave. It's got to end eventually so why not end it now? Right now? The sooner you start the sooner the pain ends! Why not?

 

That's really messed up what your husband did.

 

I am listening to what you're saying. Deep down I know you're right, it's just so hard to let go.

 

He doesn't use social media and she has hers locked down so I can't see anything at all.

[aileD]

Honey if they had an agreement they they were just roommates til the kids grow up.....she wouldn't have written you that letter or told your family or job or be fighting for her marriage.

 

Open your eyes please. You are smarter than this. Don't let your heart outsmart your brain and intuition

[pheonixrisen]

I don't believe he would lie to me, he says he never lied to his wife. I'm sorry if was so painful for you, but in my case dday didn't stop the affair, doesn't that mean he really means it?

 

Well if everybody already knows ...and he is still in affair still not leaving his wife ...and both women are still with him knowing the presence of each other in his life why change the status quo ....

[aileD]

Go back and read #41 please.