BTDT2012 Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 We didn't lie, deceive or sneak. There was no need. We didn't text and call secretly. We were perfectly open. The only one who didn't know was the BS - because she lived in her own realm of delusion. Of course an A can be a regular relationship - there are many examples on here of those which were / are. If a man loves you, puts you first, fetes you openly and acts as an official couple with you in his family life and professional life, and with his friends, then the vestigial M and the BW that leads her own life entirely separately are not regarded by anyone (apart, perhaps, from the BW) as the *real* R. There are examples on these boards of MM who live with their OW in one country, very occasionally flying to another country to conduct domestic matters with the BW; others where the MM and OW lived together all week, with the MM returning to see the kids on weekends; still others where the MM and BW lived in the same house maintaining a charade until kids were grown, but living separate lives. Not all As involve a MM lying to a BW to get her to believe he still loves her, while playing happy families with his OW. This is not how most affairs are conducted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 c However, an A has the added complication of triangulation as a dynamic, which makes for an unequal power balance at the expense of the OW. You know, it is funny but i always thought I had the power as an OW, not him. I was the one with all of the options... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author independentwoman Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Just an update for you all. I stuck with NC completely. I think secretly I was at first trying to use it as a weapon to force him to choose me. That of course didn't work at all BUT I gained clarity and the realization that I was completely stupid about this whole thing. I look at the whole thing now and I am totally disgusted with him and myself for what happened. I wouldn't want him now if he came to me on hands and knees and that is a good thing! I am moving on, and dating, and just trying to get over the anger at myself and him. I've had a few nice dates with a guy my own age and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel happy for the first time in years. I heard through the grapevine that he and his wife are now "working things out" He told me that would never happen. Just whatever. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 You know, it is funny but i always thought I had the power as an OW, not him. I was the one with all of the options... That was your ego talking. "Here am I, young, beautiful, clever with options and here he is, besotted by my charms, married to a harridan of a wife. He is a bit broken but I will fix him, I will show his wife how it is to really love him. We will be perfect together, he is my soulmate, it will be bliss..." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Just an update for you all. I stuck with NC completely. I think secretly I was at first trying to use it as a weapon to force him to choose me. That of course didn't work at all BUT I gained clarity and the realization that I was completely stupid about this whole thing. I look at the whole thing now and I am totally disgusted with him and myself for what happened. I wouldn't want him now if he came to me on hands and knees and that is a good thing! I am moving on, and dating, and just trying to get over the anger at myself and him. I've had a few nice dates with a guy my own age and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel happy for the first time in years. I heard through the grapevine that he and his wife are now "working things out" He told me that would never happen. Just whatever. It's great that your dating. But also take some time off for yourself (i.e. Meditation, yoga, etc). In silence you'll find strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Great update. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author independentwoman Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 It's great that your dating. But also take some time off for yourself (i.e. Meditation, yoga, etc). In silence you'll find strength. I am Buddy, I've been seeing a therapist, I've been working out and part of that is yoga. Spending lots of time with family and girlfriends where I used to sit at home waiting for him to call. My life is no longer on hold for the secret meetings, I'm out living it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Just an update for you all. I stuck with NC completely. I think secretly I was at first trying to use it as a weapon to force him to choose me. That of course didn't work at all BUT I gained clarity and the realization that I was completely stupid about this whole thing. I look at the whole thing now and I am totally disgusted with him and myself for what happened. I wouldn't want him now if he came to me on hands and knees and that is a good thing! I am moving on, and dating, and just trying to get over the anger at myself and him. I've had a few nice dates with a guy my own age and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel happy for the first time in years. I heard through the grapevine that he and his wife are now "working things out" He told me that would never happen. Just whatever. Good for you! Keep up the NC you are doing fabulous! Really good update! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Just an update for you all. I stuck with NC completely. I think secretly I was at first trying to use it as a weapon to force him to choose me. That of course didn't work at all BUT I gained clarity and the realization that I was completely stupid about this whole thing. I look at the whole thing now and I am totally disgusted with him and myself for what happened. I wouldn't want him now if he came to me on hands and knees and that is a good thing! I am moving on, and dating, and just trying to get over the anger at myself and him. I've had a few nice dates with a guy my own age and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel happy for the first time in years. I heard through the grapevine that he and his wife are now "working things out" He told me that would never happen. Just whatever. This absolutely made my day...and tempted me out of a mini posting break from LS. WELL DONE independentwoman! You're really living up to your name. I'll be drinking to you tonight. We all know that it's not easy, but your determination and strength is an inspiration to everyone! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author independentwoman Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 This absolutely made my day...and tempted me out of a mini posting break from LS. WELL DONE independentwoman! You're really living up to your name. I'll be drinking to you tonight. We all know that it's not easy, but your determination and strength is an inspiration to everyone! Thank you Jenkins! I am feeling really great, it's like I broke out of some weird twisted world. Sure I still have moments where I feel sadness and miss him, but these moments are becoming farther and farther apart. I see now what a terrible place that was for me to be. I can see now that it wasn't real, none of it was real we were living in some fairy bubble. I never want to go back to that place! I'll drink to you and me tonight jenkins 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MrsR1981 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Speaking as a BS would you really want to be with someone who had already cheated on the woman he made a commitment too? Wouldn't you be worried he'd cheat on you further down the line when life became too boring again? It will destroy you and break your heart like you've never felt before. Think of his wife, think of her pain, she didn't ask for any of this, and he will never respect you the way you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Speaking as a BS would you really want to be with someone who had already cheated on the woman he made a commitment too? Wouldn't you be worried he'd cheat on you further down the line when life became too boring again? It will destroy you and break your heart like you've never felt before. Think of his wife, think of her pain, she didn't ask for any of this, and he will never respect you the way you deserve. Read the update #203 Link to post Share on other sites
MrsR1981 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Read the update #203 Thanks for link - I missed that whole section... Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Thanks for link - I missed that whole section... Sorry NO worries. btw what you wrote was correct, only the OP has moved on from that episode in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts