When will he finally leave his wife?

[independentwoman]

Dday didn't stop his M either. So now I believe the man is a cake eater who now has 2 women loving him and feeding his ego. He's living the dream.

 

 

Lilly I don't feel it's like that, he doesn't spend any time with his wife at all.

[Lillyp32]

But in some cases it can be true? He said he is just a paycheck to his wife, nothing more.

 

Oh sweetie, I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to infidelity. My WH told his last other woman the same thing. I also apparently wouldn't have sex with him and treated him like crap. It was all completed untrue.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly I don't feel it's like that, he doesn't spend any time with his wife at all.

 

Ok. Then why isn't he divorced yet?

[independentwoman]

Ok. Then why isn't he divorced yet?

 

Well it's the financial side of it, he feels like he is going to lose everything he's worked for.

[BuddyX]

I doubt there's anything we can tell you that will make you go No Contact with the MM. But I'll leave you with another quote.

 

"They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

[independentwoman]

I doubt there's anything we can tell you that will make you go No Contact with the MM. But I'll leave you with another quote.

 

"They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

 

His kids are much older.

I am starting to read some of the other threads.

I really have tried to end it, but every time I cave, usually I'm a very strong person I just don't seem to be when it comes to him. I just feel like I will never find anyone like him, I've been single a long time, and I've never met anyone that was so sweet and loving and thoughtful, I just don't really want to be alone for the rest of my life.

[HeCantBreakMe]

He isn't going to leave. And I can guarantee you that your MM hasn't said anything different than any one of us has heard.

 

You are making quite a lot of excuses for him.

[Bufo]

How do you know his W is a horrible person? Because he told you so? Or are you spying on the marital home or you're the live in nanny?

 

Please pick any 10 threads and keep score how many end favorably for OW versus how many do not. Think long and hard about those stats. Read threads by frequent OW or exOW contributors. They have been there and done thAt.

[BuddyX]

You're single because you haven't allowed another man in your life. MM is always in the picture. Single guys don't stand a chance.

 

Give him an ultimatum. "Are you in or out? Are you going to spend the holidays with me or not?"

[Daisy2013]

But in some cases it can be true? He said he is just a paycheck to his wife, nothing more.

 

My MM told me these exact words and swears to it this day. This line must be in the handbook although it sounds unique. Sometimes I wonder where some of these OW are because the lines they are told sound just like what I was told and I wonder if my MM could be their MM. I hung on 4 years waiting and hoping. You sound so sweet and young and naive. Please listen to what the posters are telling you. They speak the truth. It hurts, I know ... a part of me has died. But run away now before you die by 10,000 cuts (as was told to me here.)

[independentwoman]

How do you know his W is a horrible person? Because he told you so? Or are you spying on the marital home or you're the live in nanny?

 

Please pick any 10 threads and keep score how many end favorably for OW versus how many do not. Think long and hard about those stats. Read threads by frequent OW or exOW contributors. They have been there and done thAt.

 

Well she told my family about the affair, has threatened to send a letter to my work telling them. This could threaten my job and my professional reputation (he and I met at work)

 

I guess because he told me so, but he started telling me stuff long before there was ever anything between us but friendship, so why would he have lied then?

 

I can see see lying if it's more than friends but before?

 

I am reading

[independentwoman]

You're single because you haven't allowed another man in your life. MM is always in the picture. Single guys don't stand a chance.

 

Give him an ultimatum. "Are you in or out? Are you going to spend the holidays with me or not?"

 

But even before him I was single, that's what I'm afraid of.

[BuddyX]

Don't confuse alone with lonely. If you need a man to make you happy then it's time for therapy.

 

I've been single for 3 years. Best time of my life. A partner would really have to add something substantial to my life in order for me to take her on.

[independentwoman]

My MM told me these exact words and swears to it this day. This line must be in the handbook although it sounds unique. Sometimes I wonder where some of these OW are because the lines they are told sound just like what I was told and I wonder if my MM could be their MM. I hung on 4 years waiting and hoping. You sound so sweet and young and naive. Please listen to what the posters are telling you. They speak the truth. It hurts, I know ... a part of me has died. But run away now before you die by 10,000 cuts (as was told to me here.)

 

Daisy how did you end it?

[goodyblue]

I was the OW. Our affair lasted less than a year. Whomever said watch his actions is right on the money. My mm made a specific plan, made sure he was financially able, had himself as disentangle as possible. He left and we dated long distance. Then he rented me a house in his city and I moved there and we dated some more, took it slow. After a year we moved in together, and later married.

 

You see? Concrete plans, not just pie in the sky. And the whole time I was insistent that if he didn't follow through I would walk. We worked because of hard work.

 

That is what you have to look at.

 

If you aren't happy with the relationship now you should walk because most likely it won't change and even if it does it really is a tough road.

 

Look for progress, forward movement. Good luck.

[aileD]

How old are you?

 

How old is he?

 

I'm guessing there's an age gap.

 

If he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to lose all he's worked for, then why do you think this will ever change.

 

HE DOESNT WANT TO LOSE ALL HES WORKED FOR. HE WILL LOSE IT IN THE DIVORCE. READ BETWEEN THE LINES: HE IS NOT LEAVING AND YOU WILL ALWAYS JUST HIS MISTRESS.

 

Everything you said is textbook. I swear there's a handbook for cheaters. You have not said ONE thing that makes your story unique from the hundreds of other stories here.

 

I'm a BS. My H said horrible things about me to his OW. I'm crazy, I didn't pay attention to him, I needed his money, I would crumble if he left, we haven't had sex in years (lieeeesssss!). All LIES.

 

He didn't want to leave me because of:

Money

Kids

Family shame

Doesn't want to start over

 

Said she was special. Amazing connection. His soul mate. No one understood him except her, amazing sexual chemistry. Deeper level.

 

Strung her along for two years. She lost family, jobs, friends, apartments because of promises he made her that he didn't keep. He finally left her alone living in her car and hasn't talked to her since. We are working on our marriage and he sees why he did what he did.

 

He was 20 years older than her. I'm sensing an age gap between you and your MM too.

 

Honey please read here. It doesn't end well for you. I know you're lonely.

 

But being alone is better than being with someone who will keep you down.

 

You deserve better and if you go to counseling and work on yourself, and improve yourself...you will start to attract men worthy of your love.

 

Please read and please be strong. Get out of this now before you lose so much more than just feelings.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well he doesn't. He says he hates staying there. His wife has known for quite a long time. She's begging and pleaded with him to stop, threatened suicide, she wrote me a letter begging me to stop, she told my family and his that we were having an affair. So obviously he doesn't want to be with her. But he is just afraid of the financial mess if he leaves.

 

How do you feel that she contacted you directly and begged you to stop?

[Daisy2013]

Daisy how did you end it?

 

I entered the friendzone because he really wanted our friendship more than anything. It wasn't his wife he was struggling about, but God - unless he lied. I couldn't fight God. One day, he jokingly called me a "pain" because I asked for a hug as he was walking me to my car in public and at the same time was close to me, yet trying to keep distance. Hard to explain how that looked. I could see desire and love in his eyes, yet he was keep distance and I said "You look like you are running from me" and he said "That is what we are supposed to do." Something in that moment clicked and I died by the 10,000th cut. I knew while he was running that moment, he would not run when he was in the mood.

 

Not a heroic ending. But I hung on until I felt nothing inside. I am good at blocking pain, so knew if I held out, I could do it my way. I had been through the tears, anger, anxiousness, aloneness, and hoping to die in my sleep wishes, so "nothing" feels great. But "dead inside" isn't healthy.

 

Don't do it. Please run. Hurt and heal. Listen to these words of wisdom they are telling you. Not these words of mine her. Much luck and a huge hug to you!

[independentwoman]

How do you feel that she contacted you directly and begged you to stop?

 

Well I felt bad at the time, but when she told my family and some of my friends it made me really angry.

 

It's up to him to stop if he wants to stop, not me.

[independentwoman]

I entered the friendzone because he really wanted our friendship more than anything. It wasn't his wife he was struggling about, but God - unless he lied. I couldn't fight God. One day, he jokingly called me a "pain" because I asked for a hug as he was walking me to my car in public and at the same time was close to me, yet trying to keep distance. Hard to explain how that looked. I could see desire and love in his eyes, yet he was keep distance and I said "You look like you are running from me" and he said "That is what we are supposed to do." Something in that moment clicked and I died by the 10,000th cut. I knew while he was running that moment, he would not run when he was in the mood.

 

Not a heroic ending. But I hung on until I felt nothing inside. I am good at blocking pain, so knew if I held out, I could do it my way. I had been through the tears, anger, anxiousness, aloneness, and hoping to die in my sleep wishes, so "nothing" feels great. But "dead inside" isn't healthy.

 

Don't do it. Please run. Hurt and heal. Listen to these words of wisdom they are telling you. Not these words of mine her. Much luck and a huge hug to you!

 

Are you happy now? I'm sorry you had to go through such a painful experience.

[Lillyp32]

Well I felt bad at the time, but when she told my family and some of my friends it made me really angry.

 

It's up to him to stop if he wants to stop, not me.

 

Why did that make you angry? You are sleeping with HER husband. You are interfering with her M and her life, then you get angry becuase she goes and interferes in yours? Show some compassion. This poor woman is clearly in pain.

[Daisy2013]

Are you happy now? I'm sorry you had to go through such a painful experience.

 

No, I am not "happy." But, I do have a little bit of peace inside because I am doing this for myself. Surprisingly, I find I can laugh and enjoy parts of my life that I was unable to enjoy (because he wasn't there doing those things with me) when I was tied up with him. I feel indifferent now and that is better than anger or hate. I can speak to him now without hoping for anything or caring.

 

Don't be sorry for me. I deserve it. I was the dumb@$$. Not him. He told me who he was many times and I kept the blinders on and kept hoping. I didn't heed the warnings here full on and did it my way. My own fault. Run away.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well I felt bad at the time, but when she told my family and some of my friends it made me really angry.

 

It's up to him to stop if he wants to stop, not me.

 

I guess you have to wonder about a man who would cause such pain to his wife - and to you of course. I've been in the same boat, a boat which of course sank.

 

But of course it is up to you as well. You have a choice.

[ShatteredLady]

Well she told my family about the affair, has threatened to send a letter to my work telling them. This could threaten my job and my professional reputation (he and I met at work)

 

I guess because he told me so, but he started telling me stuff long before there was ever anything between us but friendship, so why would he have lied then?

 

I can see see lying if it's more than friends but before?

 

I am reading

 

 

 

How did he get from "Just friends" to "More than just friends" to 'in your knickers'?

 

It's all the words, the shared intimacies & more words. Ugh! I HATE this but let me give you an example.... my husband is well known as "the nicest guy in the world". Once I'd been hit with the agonizing truth that he was having an affair I searched our computer systems & found their messages.

 

It started on Linked-In so I have the first 6 messages before he asked her to create a secret account with him. In those 6 messages he quoted the Bible (He's a passionate atheist!) and country & western music (His favorite bands are Rush & Pink Floyd!!).

 

I was so messed-up at the time that I asked him if he wanted to start going to church, buy new music? He laughed out loud & said "Haven't you heard of Google?!? Come-on, you know me better than that!!". I'm sorry. I know that you believe that it's all true & no-one would sink that low...there is a chance that he really is a special little snowflake but that's so rare, particularly after THIS long & the excuses he's giving.

 

 

You're probably thinking "She just a bitter wife who got cheated on & deserved it!". I'll give you advise that I try to live by. Just list the FACTS. The evidence. Anyone can say anything.

 

* He can't leave because of money complications.

 

How is that going to change? He can't sort his finances in YEARS!!

YOU don't mean enough for him to loose some of his money!!

He's a miserable man who would rather live with agony & torture than loose some cash. What does that say about him?

 

 

She's such a horrible woman that she threatened to tell people the TRUTH! She was shattered, in shock, desperately trying to save her family & her sanity, her history & her future. The worst thing you can say about her cruel revenge was 'She threatened to ruin my REPUTATION by telling people who I'm in a relationship with!!'.

 

 

We are typing to complete strangers to feel a connection, understanding & support! This world can be so lonely. I have dear childhood friends who are single. All the rest of us coupled, married, had kids. Their lives just went a different way.

 

When we were all young it was easy. We all hung-out together with friends of friends. A couple would split-up & each would meet others, bringing new friends of friends into the group. There was never the fear of being alone.

 

I was recently emailing with a friend about dating & she said how lonely she is. She just wants someone to share the everyday mundane things of life with at the end of the day. She wants to be held. She doesn't want to put the kids to bed & sit on the sofa alone, night after night after night. She doesn't want to always be the single one when friends get together.

 

My friend has tried dating sites & hates it. We were talking about how it used to be. Going out in groups & just 'clicking' with someone.

 

It must be horrible to be truly lonely. Is THIS better? Truly?

 

List all of the negatives. Think about what you could be doing to improve yourself & your life if you weren't tried-up with a man who will NEVER be there. No holidays. No valentines. If you're in hospital? If you're sick & need someone?

 

Get a dog & go to the dog park!!

 

Or stalk them on Facebook & cry at their smiling faces on their anniversaries, kids weddings, vacations etc.

 

He's never going to leave. It's got to end eventually so why not end it now? Right now? The sooner you start the sooner the pain ends! Why not?

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's been over two years and he's still living with his wife. When will he finally leave?

 

He will not leave. If he is really unhappy, frustrated, sick and tired of his life as it is in his marriage - he would've left already. Not because of you, or what he had with you, but because of himself. He didn't, right? Two years??!?

 

I was in the A for almost 18 months. He is where he wants to be, with who he wants to be right now. Not with me. And, that's okay.

 

The pain you feel is excruciating. Trust me, I know. As do a lot of posters around here. Nothing new, nothing novel.

 

You have to find yourself, and ways to be happy again. It involves a lot of soul-searching, finding out and accepting a lot of unpleasant truths about yourself and why you got into the A in the firts place. But, this place is a great help, if you have a patience.

 

I'm nowhere near fully healing or indifference, or anything like that. I've just learnt that in my darkest moments I have to turn to myself, my own well-being, and move on.

 

There is not much, if anything at all in waiting for him.....to text, email, call...or whatever.

 

He is not here, with you. If he wanted that, well....you wouldn't be starting this thread, and posting all about your story. It would be him to hug you, make you feel all good and safe.

 

But, it's not - isn't it?!?