When will he finally leave his wife?

[aileD]

Reading that, I fear a lot of that. His children aren't young, but they know about me, I imagine his wife has probably said a lot of nasty things about me, I do wonder what it would be like down the road.

 

I think you're right and I do need to give him an ultimatum, or just decide if I even really want him to leave for me, I don't know now, I'm so confused.

 

 

If you're confused you need to step aside. There are families and marriage and children involved, and relationships born out of affairs are hard hard work. If you don't know if you have it in you...don't do it. step aside and figure yourself out. Maybe when you are not wrapped up in this, you will have more clarity either way.

 

This is YOUR life. Do what's best for YOU. Keep in mind that men who trade in their aging wives for younger women tend to do the same thing to that woman once she gets older.

 

This is just a mess isnt it? You deserve SO MUCH more than this. You seem smart, introspective, why are you letting this relationship suck the independence out of you?

 

Look inside yourself. What is he giving you that you are craving? Attention, Feeling of being wanted? Did you have trauma in your past? Work on yourself. You are better than this.

 

you have the support of everyone here and I'm sure your family too.

 

Walk away from this mess. There's better waiting for you. There is someone free who will love you and want to build a life with you.

 

This man doesn't want to build a life with you. He already has that with his wife and he already said he doesn't want to give it up. He wants you to SUPPLEMENT his life. You're the side dish.

 

Do you want to be a side dish the rest of your life? YOU ARE MAIN COURSE WORTHY!

 

(I'm hungry, hence the food analogies)

[sandylee1]

OP

 

When you say his wife is horrible. ... based on her reaction after discovering the affair ... what did you expect? For her to say "nice to meet you and carry on sleeping with my husband". Of course she's going to be horrible to you. Wouldn't you think she was a bit crazy if she all sweet and nice to you?

 

Common, get real.

[aileD]

You know what?

 

I WAS an awful BS. I'll own what I did. I'm not proud of it.

 

But I wasn't that way before finding out about the affair.

 

It does something to you. It's one of the worst things that can happen to someone and the worst thing you can do to another person.

 

It takes away your security. It makes you believe your whole life might have been a lie. You feel like the person you knew forever is now a stranger.

 

And what's the constant? YOU. Unti YOU were found out, her world wasn't falling apart. If YOU were just out of her life, maybe it wouldn't all be a lie.

 

BS aren't awful. What happened to them was awful. And you took part in that.

 

Have a little sympathy. She never asked for this. You did. You willingly took part in this, she didn't. All her reactions are just that--reacting to the hell her life has turned into.

[veggirl]

Has he ever even consulted a lawyer to see what his ACTUAL financial liabilities would be? Or is he just assuming he would "lose everything"?

[sandylee1]

I think when there's a big age gap. ... The MM is really wondering if it's sustainable. No matter how much OW professes her love ... he'll be thinking. "But will she still feel like this when I'm 60 and she's 40.".

 

He knows it's all good for now, but will she go off with a younger, fitter man to meet her needs, when I'm not performing like I used to.

 

These are the concerns I've heard MM voicing where there's a large age gap.

[elaine567]

He is a 50+ yo man, who has been married a long time with grown up children. His status as a married man and a good father/grandfather will be important to him as will his house, his garden, his neighbours and his friends, not to mention his nest egg, his retirement pot and any other assets that they share. They will also have a lot of shared history as I guess she is the same age as him, a lot of contemporary cultural references too that I guess will go over your head. Does he really want to shack up with his OW and leave it all behind?

 

Soon he will be retired, so he asks himself will a younger woman want to put up with him, will she want to be the breadwinner, his nurse, his carer? Will she just get bored and go off with a younger fitter, richer model with no complications?

 

If he does leave, what is he leaving for? A woman who was very happy to spend time sneaking around behind his wife's back with him for 2 whole years - a devious woman - how can he ever trust her? Hypocritical yes but it is how many men think and part of the reason they just tend to stay at home with their "innocent" and honest wife and continue to cake eat if they can get away with it.

[Bialy]

Girl, you are worth so much more than this.

[aileD]

He is a 50+ yo man, who has been married a long time with grown up children. His status as a married man and a good father/grandfather will be important to him as will his house, his garden, his neighbours and his friends, not to mention his nest egg, his retirement pot and any other assets that they share. They will also have a lot of shared history as I guess she is the same age as him, a lot of contemporary cultural references too that I guess will go over your head. Does he really want to shack up with his OW and leave it all behind?

 

Soon he will be retired, so he asks himself will a younger woman want to put up with him, will she want to be the breadwinner, his nurse, his carer? Will she just get bored and go off with a younger fitter, richer model with no complications?

 

If he does leave, what is he leaving for? A woman who was very happy to spend time sneaking around behind his wife's back with him for 2 whole years - a devious woman - how can he ever trust her? Hypocritical yes but it is how many men think and part of the reason they just tend to stay at home with their "innocent" and honest wife and continue to cake eat if they can get away with it.

 

 

My WH felt this EXACT same way with a 20 year age gap. We did a lot of research too. My H was funny, he got all mathematical. The larger the age gap, the more chance of divorce before 5 years. A 20 year age gap? 95% chance of divorce. Add that with divorce statistics for second marriages combined with divorce statistics on marriages that started out as affairs combined with marriages where the families are not supportive ....he came up with like a .03 % chance of making it with the OW past 5 years. 5 years and she will only be 25, can chalk him up to a mistake in young adulthood...meanwhile he's 45 and would have to start from scratch for the third time in his life.

 

Logic trumped "love".

 

Also my H also had the twisted logic that he want sure he'd want to be with a girl who was ok with being an adulteress....even though he's a cheater. fudged up way of thinking but apparently very common.

 

Run OP run! Before you lose more of your life

[Bufo]

OM/WH has it made. Not only are two women chasing exclusivity with him, the women are outright hostile to each other. He must think he is the ultimate Don Juan or something.

 

OP have you figured out he's not leaving her? Most often discovery/ disclosure of the A ends it as OM kicks OW to the curb to save his marriage. Not in your case. You have an OM whose world revolves around him and getting his gratification from this contest over him.

 

Have you read other threads about being the OW? There are way too many where it doesn't end well for OW. The sooner you pull the plug on this romance the sooner you'll heal from it. And the smaller the gap in your relationship resume' will be. There is nothing for you in this A.

[Forever broken]

He is a 50+ yo man, who has been married a long time with grown up children. His status as a married man and a good father/grandfather will be important to him as will his house, his garden, his neighbours and his friends, not to mention his nest egg, his retirement pot and any other assets that they share. They will also have a lot of shared history as I guess she is the same age as him, a lot of contemporary cultural references too that I guess will go over your head. Does he really want to shack up with his OW and leave it all behind?

 

Soon he will be retired, so he asks himself will a younger woman want to put up with him, will she want to be the breadwinner, his nurse, his carer? Will she just get bored and go off with a younger fitter, richer model with no complications?

 

If he does leave, what is he leaving for? A woman who was very happy to spend time sneaking around behind his wife's back with him for 2 whole years - a devious woman - how can he ever trust her? Hypocritical yes but it is how many men think and part of the reason they just tend to stay at home with their "innocent" and honest wife and continue to cake eat if they can get away with it.

 

 

Excellent post. Kinda hurtful to read though but truthfully written.

[What_Did_I_Do]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

He isn't going to leave. Once the economy turns around, there will be another excuse...dog sick, bad weather...the list goes on. And IF he does leave, the guilt will drive him back home in a quick hurry.

 

As hard as it is, go through the breakup pain and grieve. You are young enough to find a wonderful single man.

[cloche]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I think you're right and I do need to give him an ultimatum

 

If you do, it helps to really mean it. I suggest the following slight twist: have him specify the deadline.

 

In other words, you make it an absolute requirement of your continued involvement with him that he offer a specific timetable that ultimately leads to him becoming available to be with you.

 

One of two things can happen:

 

1) He proposes a reasonable timetable:

 

Since he proposed it, he just might, perhaps, deliver on it. You absolutely must be prepared to hold him to it, however, and if he slips, even by a day, you walk. At least, however, you will not be in the position of second guessing yourself - as I was - as to whether perhaps the deadline You set him was never really reasonable - chosen more to meet your needs than the realities of his situation - and thus doomed to fail.

 

If he truly wants to be with you, he will figure out how.

 

B) He refuses to propose a reasonable timetable - not even one of his own design:

 

Well, then, you do at least have your answer: you are involved with a man who, yes, loves you, and, yes, can't live happily without you, but, …., no, actually, has no real intention of building a future with you.

Edited October 17, 2016 by cloche

[Ahurtgirl]

I think he will never leave his wife. From my experience, my xMM proposed to me at about 6 months into our affair and I was not ready to make that move so we continued to see each other. Fast forward to years 2-4 of our affair and it was a rollercoaster ride of breakups and makeups which he also was trying and maybe was successful at having other women besides myself. I was stupid enough to have fallen in love with him and kept hoping he would want to pursue a life with me but by then, his marriage had improved and his kids were out of the toddler/preschool age. If I could go back in time, I would have walked away once he proposed since I was not ready.

There is so much truth in the saying that a married man never leaves his wife. It does happen but I think that unless he proposes early on and actually makes the move out of the family home without you needing to give him an ultimatum, he won't leave. The last thing you want is to be the reason he leaves his wife. He might seem okay with it now but if he were to leave due to you manipulating him to do so, he will place blame on you in the future.

[eye of the storm]

IW, I'm sorry. I was there. 6 years there. I can't say I was always waiting because the first few years we were pretty casual. But towards the end, the last 3 years we were together constantly, and my MM did live with me during the week. But the actual divorce...he wouldn't pull the trigger. Finances and family pressure.

 

Well, I finally decided that if his money and dealing with some disappointed family members was more important to him than being with me, then how much did I really truly matter to him.

 

I got lots of we don't know the future, things change, we will see....all designed to keep me hanging on. And yes, his BS knew about me and he refused to quit seeing me, that didn't mean he was leaving, it meant he didn't care about how much pain she was in or how much I was in.

 

Does he love me, yes I still believe he does. But he won't choose me. Other things are more important to him than I am. Either that or he is weak. I deserve a mate that will choose me, and will stand firm at my side.

 

So do you.

 

I could not move on, I could not look at other men with interest, I was trapped until I took an action that was painful, difficult, and necessary. I went NC.

 

I still have cravings for him, which is natural. We were together 6 years and in love for 3. But since then I have been on a few dates, the first few of them were sooo awkward and unwieldy. But I have been on 2 that might possibly, in the future, develop into something that meets my needs.

 

Everything he is saying and you are feeling is not special. Many of us here heard and felt the same things. Thinking your A is unique assists in the fantasy. Once you start blowing the fog away and getting down to provable facts...it gets a lot uglier.

 

I thought I was special, our love was the stuff great romances was made of. Star crossed lovers that were destined to be together but thwarted by outside forces. Nobody could understand the trueness of our love.... God, I feel stupid just typing it. Many posters tried to warn me. I thought I was smarter, stronger, more special. I wasn't and neither are you.

 

Im sorry, good luck.

[stillafool]

He is never going to leave his wife. Stop hoping.

[Midwestmissy]

Eye of the storm, how did you manage? I just remember the time of planning a wedding, talking it over all the time, being so excited (spoiler alert, he cheated 17 yrs in). That feeling of wanting to shout from the rooftops. Did you have to keep things hushed up? Did his wife know? I read your post and I just thought you got so short changed. Like you were kept on the side, quietly. Planning the rest of your lives together should be so much fun and open. I'm so sorry.

[dreamingoftigers]

But he says he's leaving, that he loves me, just things keep coming up that aren't his fault. His wife is really horrible, he says they don't talk or sleep together. He promises he IS going to leave, just with all that life has thrown at him it's been hard. I am trying to be patient, but it's hard after all this time.

 

Wow.

 

It's like he read those lines off of a Cheater cereal box.

 

They ALLLLLL say that.

 

They might even mean it in the moment. But it means nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

lady he says this is his first affair, that he's never done this before and he wouldn't have but he was just so attracted to me we just couldn't help ourselves.

 

Omg, are you "special" and is he your "soulmate" too?

[dreamingoftigers]

I haven't really read much here yet, just starting to read, I just feel like we're special, we've weathered so much.

 

Omg, right in the next post. Too funny.

 

Yeah you are having a typical MM-strings- you-alomg kind of affair.

[eye of the storm]

Midwest, at the time, I don't know. My M gave me a lot of unhealthy coping skills. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the future, I keep my head down and just deal with what is directly in front of me. Which actually benefits me in a lot of situations I deal with. Horrible job site and unsafe living spaces, head down and just do my time till they send me somewhere else.

 

But with MM, we were pretty open. His W lived in another stated (her choice) and he and I worked together, lived together, went on dates, took vacations together. He only saw her on the weekends. Which really didn't bother me that much. It gave me alone time which I need sometimes. He claims she didn't find out about me until after the move, but Im pretty sure she knew before. He was in the shower and I was surfing FB and it showed he popped on. I think she was able to hack his account. I tried to warn him but he brushed off my concerns. 3 days later she decides to move.

 

I will never legally attach myself to someone. My M was so unhealthy. So us planning a future had nothing to do with us getting married. But yea, there were times I wanted to be even more open about us and couldn't and that was irritating.

 

Then he moved for work away from me, but the plan was that I would follow in a year so he could get his divorce. She for the first time in 10 years moved with him. I told him to handle it...that is when for me, things got clear. That is when I couldn't lie to myself anymore. He just collapsed. He agreed to work on his M for a year. WTH!!! It was the first time I couldn't ignore the facts anymore. I was willing to move for him. He wasn't willing to chose me. So, I decided to deal with facts and not emotions and do what needed to be done, not what I wanted to do, what needed to be done.

[dreamingoftigers]

But there are men who do leave, he is a good man, his wife is just terrible and I feel so bad for him, she's basically keeping his trapped.

 

Oh my god! He's handcuffed in a cage in the basement? Why didn't you say so?

 

Call the police!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Omg, right in the next post. Too funny.

 

Yeah you are having a typical MM-strings- you-alomg kind of affair.

 

But wait, did he say he wished he had met you first?

 

Listen, this comes from me as a BS (which I rarely post as). Yes, there are some women who hold on and beg and plead, but many of us have the car running and offer to help them pack and drop them off at her doorstep. A good portion of us do NOT want to be the one who gets him because we have the kids, house, social status, etc. We would do just fine without him, should he choose to leave. And the guys have zero - read zero - intention of actually leaving their home to be with the ow.

 

So you just cannot believe straight out what a married guy tells you. No one is keeping him trapped. He is where he wants to be. After all, if he was so trapped by his vows, he'd keep his pants on.

[independentwoman]

He is a 50+ yo man, who has been married a long time with grown up children. His status as a married man and a good father/grandfather will be important to him as will his house, his garden, his neighbours and his friends, not to mention his nest egg, his retirement pot and any other assets that they share. They will also have a lot of shared history as I guess she is the same age as him, a lot of contemporary cultural references too that I guess will go over your head. Does he really want to shack up with his OW and leave it all behind?

 

Soon he will be retired, so he asks himself will a younger woman want to put up with him, will she want to be the breadwinner, his nurse, his carer? Will she just get bored and go off with a younger fitter, richer model with no complications?

 

If he does leave, what is he leaving for? A woman who was very happy to spend time sneaking around behind his wife's back with him for 2 whole years - a devious woman - how can he ever trust her? Hypocritical yes but it is how many men think and part of the reason they just tend to stay at home with their "innocent" and honest wife and continue to cake eat if they can get away with it.

 

Wow I didn't even think that far ahead I guess, about being his nurse and carer, I certainly don't want that, but many guys live quite healthy into their eighties and even keep working.

[independentwoman]

My WH felt this EXACT same way with a 20 year age gap. We did a lot of research too. My H was funny, he got all mathematical. The larger the age gap, the more chance of divorce before 5 years. A 20 year age gap? 95% chance of divorce. Add that with divorce statistics for second marriages combined with divorce statistics on marriages that started out as affairs combined with marriages where the families are not supportive ....he came up with like a .03 % chance of making it with the OW past 5 years. 5 years and she will only be 25, can chalk him up to a mistake in young adulthood...meanwhile he's 45 and would have to start from scratch for the third time in his life.

 

Logic trumped "love".

 

Also my H also had the twisted logic that he want sure he'd want to be with a girl who was ok with being an adulteress....even though he's a cheater. fudged up way of thinking but apparently very common.

 

Run OP run! Before you lose more of your life

 

I have kind of got that from him very subtlety that he doesn't think I'd be faithful...

[independentwoman]

So if I do this, demand a time frame, how long? I have said this before a few times and unfortunately I never stood my ground, and so now I think he thinks I'll just do the same thing again, say this is it but then let him pull me back in and I just don't want that.

 

A few of you have mentioned that I should go NC during the time I've given him to leave, is that really necessary?