When will he finally leave his wife?

[independentwoman]

independentwoman you will get over this in time.

 

When the damage is visible it is so hard to overlook. The one that is really at fault is the MM. He played you both, it is what they do.

 

Allow yourself to heal and move on with life. You will be ok.

 

Thank you Blues, I'm trying

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well a lot has happened since I was last here. His wife contacted me, and asked to talk. I was hesitant at first but I was curious so I met with her. It was awful. What she told me about their life didn't match up with what he told me at all. She has been absolutely devastated by this. I feel so awful for the part I played in this. I know it was up to him to be faithful, but I could have said no too, I knew he was married, and I tried to pretend that he wasn't, or that she was this horrible awful wife, but nobody could ever deserve this no matter how I try to justify it they just don't.

 

The funny thing, she didn't blame me at all, she said she felt sorry for me, for me?! I don't know, that just made me realize how much I've let this man play me for so long. Not just me, but her too, playing us against each other, telling us each opposite things and being so manipulative to get his way. He got everything he wanted, a wife at home waiting on him hand and foot, trying to please him so that he wouldn't break up their family. Then me on the side for sex and ego boosts.

 

I've read everything I could here, and I've been reading a lot of other stuff too. I just feel so naive and like I totally got played. I'm embarrassed, and ashamed and at the same time I miss him so much! I will never go back to that, even if he were to leave his wife now but how do I get over this terrible sadness? I've been NC for a week now. I've blocked him everywhere and I'm trying to move on.

 

I'm not trying to play the victim here because I knew he was married, but how could I have ever let myself believe so much crap. I'm a strong person, I have always had lots of women friends and one thing she said to me really stuck out (well a lot of things but this in particular) How would I feel if it were my sister or best friend who's husband was doing this. I am so sad that I hurt someone so very much. I just don't know how to get over all of this.

 

Unfortunately everything you wrote is not unique. I could have written this post, even the part where the BS felt sorry for me. So I understand.

 

Listen, you got played. So did I. The smartest people get played. It does not mean you are stupid or playing the victim card, it just means he knew what he was doing - he sized you up as someone probably naive and he used you. Take it as a compliment - you are NOT a narcissistic sociopath so you were not able to identify this type of personality. This is a good thing. But now, you are different - yes, the innocence is gone, but you are wiser now. No one will be able to do this to you again. Forgive yourself.

 

As to why you miss him, we are all like that. We miss and mourn what we thought was real. And of course we thought it was real because it was so perfectly presented to us. It will take time but slowly you will realize the man behind the mask. It was all an illusion, designed to fool you, so he could get what he wanted. You are just morning the death of the illusion.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head up high and be a strong woman. You can do it. Are you going to let this guy break you?

 

You are better than that.

[independentwoman]

Unfortunately everything you wrote is not unique. I could have written this post, even the part where the BS felt sorry for me. So I understand.

 

Listen, you got played. So did I. The smartest people get played. It does not mean you are stupid or playing the victim card, it just means he knew what he was doing - he sized you up as someone probably naive and he used you. Take it as a compliment - you are NOT a narcissistic sociopath so you were not able to identify this type of personality. This is a good thing. But now, you are different - yes, the innocence is gone, but you are wiser now. No one will be able to do this to you again. Forgive yourself.

 

As to why you miss him, we are all like that. We miss and mourn what we thought was real. And of course we thought it was real because it was so perfectly presented to us. It will take time but slowly you will realize the man behind the mask. It was all an illusion, designed to fool you, so he could get what he wanted. You are just morning the death of the illusion.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head up high and be a strong woman. You can do it. Are you going to let this guy break you?

 

You are better than that.

 

Thank you Midnight, I needed to hear that. I will hold my head up and not let him break me. I AM better than that.

[FusionCutter]

Keep NC watertight. Commit to it. Don't ever let this person in your life again. Ever.

 

He's a bad person, and deep down inside you know it to be true. He lied. He hurt. Would you ever hurt someone you loved like that?

 

Be good person. NC this guy, forever and never look back.

[CommittedToThis]

Listen, you got played. So did I. The smartest people get played. It does not mean you are stupid or playing the victim card, it just means he knew what he was doing - he sized you up as someone probably naive and he used you. Take it as a compliment - you are NOT a narcissistic sociopath so you were not able to identify this type of personality. This is a good thing. But now, you are different - yes, the innocence is gone, but you are wiser now. No one will be able to do this to you again.

 

I got played, too, to the tune of nine years plus one year of solitude and suffering. This was a regular relationship, not an affair.

 

IndependentWoman, hang in there! For me, once I realized I had been fully used and played until virtually nothing was left, that was the closure I needed. All those little details -- and there are millions of them, aren't there? -- fell away like water. Once I realized I was just a game to X, it no longer matter if she'd lied about this, cheated with that, etc.

 

The most important thing is what Midnight said: you are wiser now. So am I. I just ended a 3-week dating relationship because the woman played a triangulation move on me. I saw the red flag and dumped her. After the dump, she dropped her mask and unloaded on me and I realized I did the right thing. And get this, she was filthy rich, too. Loved to travel the globe. I walked away from her because she head-gamed me.

 

We're better than that, and now you are definitely smarter; once a PD knows you're on to them, they usually move on for more naive targets.

 

Like we used to be.

 

I feel because of what I learned at the hands of my uNPDexgf that I am able to trust even more now because I know I've got my back when it comes to recognizing red flags.

 

The main thing is cutting off all contact and maintaining it. Things get much easier with time. Keep busy in the meantime, you can do this, great job!

[whichwayisup]

Well a lot has happened since I was last here. His wife contacted me, and asked to talk. I was hesitant at first but I was curious so I met with her. It was awful. What she told me about their life didn't match up with what he told me at all. She has been absolutely devastated by this. I feel so awful for the part I played in this. I know it was up to him to be faithful, but I could have said no too, I knew he was married, and I tried to pretend that he wasn't, or that she was this horrible awful wife, but nobody could ever deserve this no matter how I try to justify it they just don't.

 

The funny thing, she didn't blame me at all, she said she felt sorry for me, for me?! I don't know, that just made me realize how much I've let this man play me for so long. Not just me, but her too, playing us against each other, telling us each opposite things and being so manipulative to get his way. He got everything he wanted, a wife at home waiting on him hand and foot, trying to please him so that he wouldn't break up their family. Then me on the side for sex and ego boosts.

 

I've read everything I could here, and I've been reading a lot of other stuff too. I just feel so naive and like I totally got played. I'm embarrassed, and ashamed and at the same time I miss him so much! I will never go back to that, even if he were to leave his wife now but how do I get over this terrible sadness? I've been NC for a week now. I've blocked him everywhere and I'm trying to move on.

 

I'm not trying to play the victim here because I knew he was married, but how could I have ever let myself believe so much crap. I'm a strong person, I have always had lots of women friends and one thing she said to me really stuck out (well a lot of things but this in particular) How would I feel if it were my sister or best friend who's husband was doing this. I am so sad that I hurt someone so very much. I just don't know how to get over all of this.

 

You forgive yourself like his wife did (she isn't angry at you, she forgives you) and you get counseling. You learn from your mistakes, you become wiser because of this experience. And most of all, make yourself a promise to never date or get involved with someone who has a girlfriend or is married. Have strong boundaries and morals...You won't put yourself in a situation like this again because you've been burned and been hurt.

[Anna-Belle]

My (former) MM left after 7 1/2 years. That is now almost 4 years ago. He's divorced and we are very happy together.

 

Ask yourself whether the relationship you have with him today fulfills your needs. If it does, stay. If it doesn't, walk. If it's good today, then him leaving his marriage will be a bonus, not something absolutely needed.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My (former) MM left after 7 1/2 years. That is now almost 4 years ago. He's divorced and we are very happy together.

 

Ask yourself whether the relationship you have with him today fulfills your needs. If it does, stay. If it doesn't, walk. If it's good today, then him leaving his marriage will be a bonus, not something absolutely needed.

 

When getting involved with a married person, it's best to assume you will be the rule and not the exception, that he/she won't leave to be with you, it's not going to be a happy ending and all you are going to get is really hurt, waste a lot of time and possibly end up with nothing.

[DKT3]

My (former) MM left after 7 1/2 years. That is now almost 4 years ago. He's divorced and we are very happy together.

 

Ask yourself whether the relationship you have with him today fulfills your needs. If it does, stay. If it doesn't, walk. If it's good today, then him leaving his marriage will be a bonus, not something absolutely needed.

 

So, if he (your boyfriend) decides it's time for another ow then it's ok as long as it's good?

[independentwoman]

Keep NC watertight. Commit to it. Don't ever let this person in your life again. Ever.

 

He's a bad person, and deep down inside you know it to be true. He lied. He hurt. Would you ever hurt someone you loved like that?

 

Be good person. NC this guy, forever and never look back.

 

Having a really hard time right now, I know I have to stick with it, but he was the one person that I could talk to, and I feel like I have nobody now. I am still sticking to it though, trying to keep busy.

[independentwoman]

My (former) MM left after 7 1/2 years. That is now almost 4 years ago. He's divorced and we are very happy together.

 

Ask yourself whether the relationship you have with him today fulfills your needs. If it does, stay. If it doesn't, walk. If it's good today, then him leaving his marriage will be a bonus, not something absolutely needed.

 

It's good that it worked for you, but now that I'm coming out of this, I think even if he left his wife I doubt I could ever trust him truly. I don't want to always be worried that if I'm not perfect he'll go and find someone else to fill the ow position.

[independentwoman]

When getting involved with a married person, it's best to assume you will be the rule and not the exception, that he/she won't leave to be with you, it's not going to be a happy ending and all you are going to get is really hurt, waste a lot of time and possibly end up with nothing.

 

Such a good post Midnight, thanks for helping me stay strong in my resolve to finally end this!!

[independentwoman]

You forgive yourself like his wife did (she isn't angry at you, she forgives you) and you get counseling. You learn from your mistakes, you become wiser because of this experience. And most of all, make yourself a promise to never date or get involved with someone who has a girlfriend or is married. Have strong boundaries and morals...You won't put yourself in a situation like this again because you've been burned and been hurt.

 

I will RUN the other way if someone ever even looks at me sideways when they're already in a relationship, totally learned my lesson there.

[MissG]

So, if he (your boyfriend) decides it's time for another ow then it's ok as long as it's good?

 

When is it "time for another OW"? What does that that even mean?

You break up when it's time to break up. OW in the picture or not.

[independentwoman]

I got played, too, to the tune of nine years plus one year of solitude and suffering. This was a regular relationship, not an affair.

 

IndependentWoman, hang in there! For me, once I realized I had been fully used and played until virtually nothing was left, that was the closure I needed. All those little details -- and there are millions of them, aren't there? -- fell away like water. Once I realized I was just a game to X, it no longer matter if she'd lied about this, cheated with that, etc.

 

The most important thing is what Midnight said: you are wiser now. So am I. I just ended a 3-week dating relationship because the woman played a triangulation move on me. I saw the red flag and dumped her. After the dump, she dropped her mask and unloaded on me and I realized I did the right thing. And get this, she was filthy rich, too. Loved to travel the globe. I walked away from her because she head-gamed me.

 

We're better than that, and now you are definitely smarter; once a PD knows you're on to them, they usually move on for more naive targets.

 

Like we used to be.

 

I feel because of what I learned at the hands of my uNPDexgf that I am able to trust even more now because I know I've got my back when it comes to recognizing red flags.

 

The main thing is cutting off all contact and maintaining it. Things get much easier with time. Keep busy in the meantime, you can do this, great job!

Thank you for this post, I am way smarter and way less naive than I was when this started. He said all the classic things, basically his wife was a bad mean person keeping him captive. How did I ever believe this load of crap.

[BluesPower]

I know that you are still hurting but you have to stay strong.

 

Post your random thought and struggles here, we will listen.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Such a good post Midnight, thanks for helping me stay strong in my resolve to finally end this!!

 

There is actually something worse than him not leaving. He actually does separate but won't file for divorce. It's a worse hell. I spent 3 years with someone separated and now that I have kids, I sort of *do* see it, but in the end, I walked.

 

You know, a person really has to be in one of a two places - single and alone, getting to know oneself, hooking up, dating, going crazy, celibacy, whatever fits the needs of the person OR in a relationship. Maybe that relationship is a marriage, maybe it's a boy/girlfriend, maybe its at the who knows stage and you are happy and hopeful, having fun.

 

But anything in between - these sort-of relationships where the other person is married or can't commit, major f-ing mommy issues, jerking you around - it is a cancer, you must cut it out of you to save yourself. No matter how much you love this person, you must turn away and save yourself. If you are hurting and in pain, it IS NOT LOVE.

 

And I know people will say, oh no I hung in there x number of years and he finally left and to that I say, there is always that 1%, but assume you are the rule and not the exception. End it, don't look back, move on. No one said it would be easy. It's not. I am trying very hard to move on without looking backwards.

[DKT3]

When is it "time for another OW"? What does that that even mean?

You break up when it's time to break up. OW in the picture or not.

 

Hmm, isn't the time to break up before you pick up with someone else?

[whichwayisup]

Having a really hard time right now, I know I have to stick with it, but he was the one person that I could talk to, and I feel like I have nobody now. I am still sticking to it though, trying to keep busy.

 

Time to bond with your women friends. He shouldn't have become the only person you could talk to.

[cocorico]

So, if he (your boyfriend) decides it's time for another ow then it's ok as long as it's good?

 

If you've agreed on a monogamous FTR, how would it be "good" if he was "deciding it was time for another OW"? This makes no sense to me. If he was making decisions alone about his R status that affected you and your R status, it would signal that he wasn't as invested in the R as you were. If that ran counter to your agreement / understanding of what constituted "good", it would signal a huge problem and the need to review the R. If OTOH your agreement included either or both of you pursuing outside interests, then no harm no foul.

[sandylee1]

Thank you for this post, I am way smarter and way less naive than I was when this started. He said all the classic things, basically his wife was a bad mean person keeping him captive. How did I ever believe this load of crap.

 

 

For starters ... be on your guard when a man old enough to be your dad comes your way. They're older and wiser and can be convincing.

 

Just think how easy it would be for you to trick a 12 year old.

 

If I recall correctly, your 22 and he's 45 right?

[victoria5]

I never intended to be involved with a MM--it's one of those hard-line rules that I had set for myself because it's irrational and disrespectful to oneself and to the sanctity of marriage. Why would you start with me when you are not emotionally nor physically available? Yet somehow, my naivete on how callous fellow human beings are to each other never ceases to disappoint.

 

There is no excuse for my engaging with a MM, and I should have embarked on a 'no contact' as soon as I found out before anything went as far as it did. This pain and loss of dignity is not worth it. Why would he ever do right by me while I accepted being treated like a sap? He had his cake, his donuts, and the entire cart of desserts and entrees.

 

I made it plain from the beginning that I wanted to have a family with children. He said he wanted children too. I did not pay any mind to whether he's happy or unhappy--there's obviously something there that fulfills him--the entire institution of marriage is constructed to perpetuate attachment and codependency--but if he really wanted children, and she no longer did--then it's just a matter of time before he seeks what he wants whether it's with me or someone else, unless of course, he changed his mind.

 

I tried many times to break it off, but I had never encountered the situation where they would not accept "it's over," so the cycle repeated. I don't doubt his professions of love, but a profound love looks like happiness and integrity.

 

I realized that as long as I continued being #2, he would stick with the status quo, and as long as I returned his communication, I invited stagnation. So, I stopped. Why I thought he would call me to say "I filed" is beyond me, but I answered to say, please honor my request and do not contact me. And he hasn't for two days now. And I take some comfort that by not contacting me, he shows a deeper love for me than a selfish need to gratify himself. My other consolation is that as long as I maintain my separation, I would have nothing to do with the end of their union if that should come to pass.

 

Still, this hurts very much. Writing this post has been therapeutic at least.

[bewell]

NEVER.

 

My exMM told me a number of times he will leave his W and he even went down to a lawyer's office to file papers and it stalled for a year! We fought about this and in the end he ended up not serving her.

 

He moved back in with her in early April and accoding to him things are "different" now and they are living in "harmony" sans intimacy. So, again the answer to your question is NO, he will not leave his wife. In some rare cases that happens but usually MM don't leave for various reasons like financial security, convenience, and children (if they're young).

[bewell]

lady he says this is his first affair, that he's never done this before and he wouldn't have but he was just so attracted to me we just couldn't help ourselves.

 

Sounds like the situation I was. It was both our first and never did I think I would be in one myself! BUT...the reality is for majority of cases, MM will sweet talk to you and tell you all kinds of things you want to hear to keep you close and waiting by the wings. You love him so you'll absolutely do anything to wait. Let me tell you, I waited for almost 3 years and what happened? -- he ended up going back to his wife even though he knew deep down he's going to be miserable and feel incomplete with her. To my exMM, it all comes down to money. Divorcing his W would wipe him out of more than half of his assets and he comes out poor. So it's cheaper and convenient for him to stick with her despite how he feels.

[oldshirt]

If you want to learn about infidelity real fast, go to the 'Chumplady' website and read all the tales there.

 

Now those are almost all BS's but it really does show you how WSs work and how they tick.

 

There are some WS's that really are dissatisfied with their spouses and really do want to detach from the spouse and find someone different (or just get away).

 

When those people find someone that they think is "better" than their spouse, they are usually gone and out of the house within weeks or months. I personally know one couple that met on a Friday night and by Monday were in a full blown affair and both gave notice and left their respective spouses within a week.

 

I personally know another woman that came across an old school mate (not even an old BF) on social media and packed her bags and left her husband for good within a month. (the relationship with the school mate only lasted another month or so and then she met another guy and they have now been happily married for several years)

 

My point is, when people want to leave, they leave.

 

All of these people I mentioned had minor children - they left anyway. They all had mortgages and car payments and shared financial instruments - they all left anyway. They all had sick grandmas or relatives that would be upset - they all left anyway.

 

The people that want to leave have all the same complications and complexities that the people who don't leave have. The difference is that the people who want to leave, do leave and the people who don't want to leave don't.

 

If someone hasn't left their spouse, it's because they don't want to. It's not because of kids. Not because of finances and not because of sick grandmas or sick spouses.

 

It's because 90% of cheaters want their cake and to eat it too. They want the extra fun and thrills of banging someone else on the side while still maintaining their current lifestyle and maintaining their current comfort and security.

 

In other words, they want "In addition to" and not "instead of." That is a very important fact to remember.