Mom is dying and dad is turning into very mean person

[Blue doe]

My beautiful mom has been fighting breast cancer for five years. We have recently found out that it has spread into other organs and haven't been given much time. My dad has been great at taking care of her and making her his number one priority. As of late he has been turning into a dark nihilistic person. He and my mom were never overly religious, but the other day my son asked him something about god and he said coldly "there isn't one." I get that, and have no problem with it as I'm not a believer myself, but I could feel his anger.

 

He's become very sarcastic about almost everything else and he drinks when she's sleeping. For sometime now no one has really been allowed at the house unless they're immediate family, which is also fine, but the other day she told me she wants more people to come see her. I brought it up to him and he said absolutely not because he doesn't want her getting sick. If she does, it's over.

 

He barely leaves her side, and one day when he did leave she and I were having lunch when she said he makes her eat when she is too sick to and thanked me for letting her stop. I think he wants her to have more energy to fight back, but she really is losing.

 

He is a completely different person now. If he thinks anyone is disturbing her he tells them to get out. That isn't always the case... but he thinks it is anyway. My dad is a very nice person but now a lot of people can't take being around him because he's so mad all the time. My husband can only stand him for a few hours because he is just so angry. My sister tried to help him bathe her a few weeks ago and he was on edge every time she touched her. Then told her to just stop and let him do it.

 

He's been amazing with all of this, but I don't think he realizes how much he's taking on or how mean he's getting. I don't think he thinks she's dying. What should I do?

[BaileyB]

My goodness, I wish that I could give you a big hug right now.

 

I feel your pain. Five years ago, my mom died of cancer. The disease is devastating, both for the person who has the illness and for the family who are forced to watch their loved one fight and suffer. And to add to your pain, your father is not coping well. That only adds to the pain and difficulty of the situation. I'm so very sorry. What you are dealing with is very, very hard.

 

If I may offer my words of wisdom, having experienced something similar, your father is grieving. As unbelievable as it may seem, it sound like he is in denial. He may know that she is ill, but he may not realize/accept that she is dying. My father walked the journey with me, but he literally didn't realize that she was dying until the week before she died. It was just too painful for him. He could not cope and thus, he chose denial. I thought at the time that it was a most unhealthy way to deal with her illness/death, but my counsellor said one day that it is just another coping strategy, no better or worse than any other. When a situation is just so difficult that it exhausts all coping skills, each of us has to find a way to cope... As unreasonable as it may seem to you, he is doing his best to cope with his pain.

 

And the anger is just another expression of grief. My dad would sit by my moms bed and look at her with tears rolling down his cheeks and anger in his eyes. He was so angry with her that she got sick at a time in their life when he felt their life was about to begin (retirement). It was inexplainable and hard to watch. But, it was how he felt at the time.

 

Your problem is that your father's difficulty coping with her illness and death is affecting your mother, your family, and your friends. My father did the same, and I grew to become quite angry and resentful with him. I went to counselling, in part because of the grief I was feeling but more because I was so angry with my father that it significantly affected our relationship. We had many a discussion about how his behavior was affecting others and it wasn't until we finally told him our relationships were about to end before he realized, it was not just my father who was affected by my mother's passing. He finally realized that he needed to step outside himself and consider other people if he wanted to keep his relationships.

 

Your father is likely doing the best he can in a very difficult situation. Try to remember that and be kind to him. I'm quite sure that he has your mothers best interest at heart, even if the decisions he's making are not good. Try to leave him be when you can. This is his journey and his journey alone to walk. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and their own experience. You can't control him, you can only control yourself. Right now, you need to protect your own mental health... Which means, self care. Your father will need to take care of himself. But, don't be afraid to stand up to him if you feel strongly about something - tell him him what you need or what your mother needs (or encourage her to do the same if she is strong enough).

 

I think the saddest thing about your post is the fact that he is limiting her visitors and not allowing you or your sister to care for your mom. At this point in her illness, it is all about quality of life (dare I say, not longevity because sadly, recovery is no longer an option). For me, it became important to provide a "good death" for my mother. I worked very hard to ensure she was comfortable and well cared for. we encouraged her to see the people she wanted to see and allowed others to see her and say goodbye. She had a bubble bath and some favorite foods... (And I should say, my father tried so hard to force my mother to eat because he wanted her to get stronger and fight the disease. It was heartbreaking to watch). But toward the end, we did whatever made her happy and comfortable. And, of course, I spent hours by her bed, talking to her and holding her hand. Priceless hours that I hold dearly in my heart. I hope your father can understand this and allow these things to happen.

 

God bless you and your family. Being able to care for my mother through her illness was such a privilege, but watching her suffer and ultimately pass away was the most painful experience in my life... I wish you strength and comfort during this journey. Take care.

Edited October 14, 2016 by BaileyB

[Blue doe]

Oh, I think all they eat are her favorite foods. I've seen him make her eat though and I'm sure she's getting tired of it.

Watching him pick her up out of the tub is both the sweetest and saddest thing I've ever seen. I think him not letting people see her is also because he thinks that if someone else is spending time with her he's not...

 

He got in a fight with my father in law yesterday. They went golfing with my husband (and of course he was texting me every five minutes) and my father in law said something about my mother in law wanting to spend too much time together and my dad just started screaming at him saying he's lucky that he still gets to be with her every day and she's not sick and my dad would kill for that. Then my dad shoved him and stormed off back home...

[BaileyB]

The anger is an expression of grief. I felt the same after I lost my mom - everywhere I looked, I would see mothers and daughters shopping together, mothers and little girls spending time together. My heart ached for my mom, I was angry that these people could spend time together and I could not be with my mom.

 

Try, to give your dad a break to grieve in his own way. But, hurtful and disrespectful behavior should also not be tolerated. At some point, you will need to tell him how his behavior is affecting other people. Sadly, I don't think the behavior will go away after your mother passes. The grief will be felt for a long time, and it will change over time. This is still early in the grief journey for you... I do hope your dad will find a better way to cope because by expressing his anger in this way, he will end up pushing away the people who are only wanting to offer their love and support.