Values vs Jealousy?

[Radclyffeswell]

Are there people out there who have successfully negotiated a relationship where two people's values around sex is different?

 

For example, one person believes in having sex in a committed, monogamous relationship, doesn't do casual sex, and sees sex as very very intimate. The other person has a history of group sex, lots of casual partners, some sex work, and this is their first monogamous relationship.

 

The common ground: Both are willing to be in a monogamous relationship with each other and trying to make it work. Neither is right or wrong, but there are clear differences.

 

More details:

 

I am the one who has been in committed relationships mostly. The person I am dating is great and seems to want to be with me and be in a monogamous relationship. Where I get triggered is that she is very open about sexual details and talking about past people. I asked her about a month into the relationship if she could stop sharing sexual details or referencing her sexual past every date. Other than knowing she doesn't have STDs and wants to be in a monogamous relationship, I don't want to know what she did, you know, the specifics. I have also asked her that when we talk about sex with each other, to try to talk about it more specific to me such as saying, "I want to try this with you." vs. "I love doing this with people" or "when I f*** I..." It is a subtle difference but when it is specific to me, than I bypass the trigger.

 

I don't ask about her past sex life because I am trying to stay focused in the present. It is also my way of honoring her past -- by not trying to dig into it and try to make sense of it, which I might do since we are so different in this area.

 

Anyways, the last part is that while I have asked her not to keep sharing sexual details, they keep slipping out. She said she cannot help it and is trying but I sometimes struggle with the "cannot help it" since she is likely not talking to her parents about this and therefore can help it.

 

We want to try to work this out knowing our differences, which is why I am looking for some *compassionate* responses that aren't shaming, but actually people trying to offer their own experiences about how to work through this without judging one another.

 

Thanks!

[jen1447]

One thing I can say as a sexually expansive person who enjoys it immensely is that it can be kind of a drag to not be able to share the stuff that makes you happy. Just like any other element of a happy life - if your cooking or your yoga was off-limits for discussion, that would be a drag too.

 

fwiw, IME most of the compromise along these lines has come from the more conservative partner. Not that I force it or anything, but if my lifestyle is sth you have trouble with then we won't be together long anyway, and ppl have a tendency to come around to my way of thinking.

 

So yeah I have made it work but frankly it hasn't ever been in the direction of me becoming more conservative.

[Space Ritual]

Are there people out there who have successfully negotiated a relationship where two people's values around sex is different?

 

For example, one person believes in having sex in a committed, monogamous relationship, doesn't do casual sex, and sees sex as very very intimate. The other person has a history of group sex, lots of casual partners, some sex work, and this is their first monogamous relationship.

 

The common ground: Both are willing to be in a monogamous relationship with each other and trying to make it work. Neither is right or wrong, but there are clear differences.

 

More details:

 

I am the one who has been in committed relationships mostly. The person I am dating is great and seems to want to be with me and be in a monogamous relationship. Where I get triggered is that she is very open about sexual details and talking about past people. I asked her about a month into the relationship if she could stop sharing sexual details or referencing her sexual past every date. Other than knowing she doesn't have STDs and wants to be in a monogamous relationship, I don't want to know what she did, you know, the specifics. I have also asked her that when we talk about sex with each other, to try to talk about it more specific to me such as saying, "I want to try this with you." vs. "I love doing this with people" or "when I f*** I..." It is a subtle difference but when it is specific to me, than I bypass the trigger.

 

I don't ask about her past sex life because I am trying to stay focused in the present. It is also my way of honoring her past -- by not trying to dig into it and try to make sense of it, which I might do since we are so different in this area.

 

Anyways, the last part is that while I have asked her not to keep sharing sexual details, they keep slipping out. She said she cannot help it and is trying but I sometimes struggle with the "cannot help it" since she is likely not talking to her parents about this and therefore can help it.

 

We want to try to work this out knowing our differences, which is why I am looking for some *compassionate* responses that aren't shaming, but actually people trying to offer their own experiences about how to work through this without judging one another.

 

Thanks!

 

I don't think this bodes very well for your relationship. Someone who keeps recounting "War Stories" after being asked not to is someone who a relationship with will be short lived.

 

I am in no way trying to shame you, I just think that eventually you and her will end up at Cross Purposes regardless of how well your relationship is going.

 

Be careful about the answers you seek, you may not like what you find.

 

To each their own, but if I were you I would probably be looking for a more compatible girlfriend.

[LD1990]

One thing I can say as a sexually expansive person who enjoys it immensely is that it can be kind of a drag to not be able to share the stuff that makes you happy. Just like any other element of a happy life - if your cooking or your yoga was off-limits for discussion, that would be a drag too.

 

fwiw, IME most of the compromise along these lines has come from the more conservative partner. Not that I force it or anything, but if my lifestyle is sth you have trouble with then we won't be together long anyway, and ppl have a tendency to come around to my way of thinking.

 

So yeah I have made it work but frankly it hasn't ever been in the direction of me becoming more conservative.

 

Yeah, I completely agree. Sexual compatibility is very important. I'm pretty filthy myself (I like Jen's way of putting it, "sexually expansive," that sounds very professional ) and being with girls that aren't is just a pain in the ass. I stopped dating one girl because she was annoyingly conservative - she had all these hangups and the wrong kind of dirty talk offended her, no way am I gonna adjust my whole style for someone.

 

OP, it sounds like you two may just have a compatibility issue, and right now it seems like she is the only one being asked to change. Have you tried adjusting to her at all?

[lolablue17]

Here's a wider way to look at it:

 

This "thing" that you call "a problem", might as well be the thing that will preserve the flame for the long run.

 

Often I hear singles talk like "I met my soul mate, she likes the same thing that I like, the same values, the same music, the same opinions, the same of everything". At the beginning point they are looking for a partner who will allow them to stay in their comfort zone, so they're actually looking for their copy.

 

After X years of living together in a very comfortable and none threatening enviroment, the passion to each other becomes lower and lower, and the love is gone (maybe not totally gone, but is low). They feel like a great team, great parents, great housemates, but not great lovers.

 

I have a sense that your differences with sex are a minor thing but yet - very deep. This difference might be the thing that will keep tense, and will prevent you to sink in a numb atmosphere. The thing that you call a problem (You ask her no details, she slips too much information, it bothers because it pops up things you want to erase, you becomes retro jealous etc... ) is actually your biggest advantage.

[Hobart_Carboys]

Dear Radclyffeswell, Please listen to me:

 

Had I to live life all over again and wanted to live happily in love with a woman, I would seek one who suited me and my wishes in as many ways as possible, not one who would thwart me now or eventually. It seems you're unsure of yourself and so are afraid of dumping this one and not finding another, but this person you've found is not the person you want or the one will end up being most attractive to you Find another person who has not been promiscuous. Promiscuity promises memories and acquaintances to those who behave that way. None of those partners will the promiscuous person ever even want to forget because everybody wants to value the life they have, their memories and experiences of it, and the knowledge they get from them.

 

My First Wife was like your girl, but as we grew older, she not only did not stop dropping names, mentioning places and activities, and hinting at sexual ones, but she increased her output. She dropped many more names and added to them by taking up flirting, and I mean long hours of flirting, which included touching, patting, batting eyelids, saying things like "You're so cute I'd like to take you home in my suitcase," lifting her own spoonful of blueberries to another man's lips, and so forth and so on etc. etc. This all was very painful for me and it was done in front of me, in my presence.

 

In front of me one of her friends said, "Well, Brenda, you seem to have gone out with all the boys in your high school," and one of her own sisters said (I was sitting right there), "Brenda, we knew why all the boys were calling you." Intimacy is the sharing and knowledge of secrets. Intimacy (closeness, exclusiveness) is desired by everyone and achieved by keeping certain things private, and so in love affairs the shared secrets are mostly sexual things. Radclyffe, do you see that in the future this woman's secrets will be sexual ones either displayed or hidden from you and will exclude you? You are now and will be treated as if you were a passive observer of the "Great Experiencer." She is not afraid of hurting your feelings. She thinks she has all the cards, that you are to play second fiddle to her beauty and sex life.

 

What interesting secrets do you ever have for her? Is she so impressed with you? What secrets do you and her keep? Can you ever tell her something she doesn't already know? Isn't it true that one day you may be the topic of her blather to a new guy she is trying to arouse or to impress with her life of trite promiscuous sexuality. Believe me, nothing you can ever do sexually is as intense and memorable as the first times you have sex with someone you love, one who admires and loves you back.

 

There are many things more I can say about this. These are some of them.

[Friskyone4u]

The dangerous part for you is that there has to be a reason she keeps insisting on providing you with the play by play of her past sexual adventures. The possibilities include

 

(1) she just gets off on making you uncomfortable

(2) she is trying to subtly suggest something to you

(3) she wants to participate in activities she used to do and is testing you.

 

If its #3 you have no future unless you revise your feelings.

 

If you have made it clear that you are not comfortable and she continues this you better lock yourself in a room with her and tell her to let it all out at one time.

 

You are claiming she wants a committed monogamous relationship but it sure does not sound like it. Be careful or before long you will find out you are being requested to enter an open relationship.

 

And lastly, you hint that she may have been involved in sex work of some kind at one time. You need to pay attention to that because many times the easy money and fast life are very intoxicating and make it very difficult for women to leave it behind them forever when the going gets tough.

[smackie9]

OP I'm going to keep this simple...... Obviously this is important to her so why not help her find an outlet to discuss her past experiences by suggesting she start a blog. This will let her reflect on her past experiences to he heart's content.

[Redhead14]

Are there people out there who have successfully negotiated a relationship where two people's values around sex is different?

 

For example, one person believes in having sex in a committed, monogamous relationship, doesn't do casual sex, and sees sex as very very intimate. The other person has a history of group sex, lots of casual partners, some sex work, and this is their first monogamous relationship.

 

The common ground: Both are willing to be in a monogamous relationship with each other and trying to make it work. Neither is right or wrong, but there are clear differences.

 

More details:

 

I am the one who has been in committed relationships mostly. The person I am dating is great and seems to want to be with me and be in a monogamous relationship. Where I get triggered is that she is very open about sexual details and talking about past people. I asked her about a month into the relationship if she could stop sharing sexual details or referencing her sexual past every date. Other than knowing she doesn't have STDs and wants to be in a monogamous relationship, I don't want to know what she did, you know, the specifics. I have also asked her that when we talk about sex with each other, to try to talk about it more specific to me such as saying, "I want to try this with you." vs. "I love doing this with people" or "when I f*** I..." It is a subtle difference but when it is specific to me, than I bypass the trigger.

 

I don't ask about her past sex life because I am trying to stay focused in the present. It is also my way of honoring her past -- by not trying to dig into it and try to make sense of it, which I might do since we are so different in this area.

 

Anyways, the last part is that while I have asked her not to keep sharing sexual details, they keep slipping out. She said she cannot help it and is trying but I sometimes struggle with the "cannot help it" since she is likely not talking to her parents about this and therefore can help it.

 

We want to try to work this out knowing our differences, which is why I am looking for some *compassionate* responses that aren't shaming, but actually people trying to offer their own experiences about how to work through this without judging one another.

 

Thanks!

 

The other person has a history of group sex, lots of casual partners, some sex work,

 

She said she cannot help it -- Both of these statements imply impulse control dysfunction not just a lifestyle preference.

 

and this is their first monogamous relationship -- I would tread very lightly here. What is her childhood history? Any history of abuse or dysfunctional family structure?

 

This may be a much more deeply rooted issue than you can be or have the skills to deal with.

 

If she cannot control her verbal impulsiveness, I doubt very much she has much control over physical/emotional impulses. Observe very carefully . . .

[aileD]

My opinion.?

 

The sex stuff has nothing to do with it.

 

You told her something that she does that bothers you and gave good reason, had a mature talk and offered suggestions she can do to make you feel more comfortable.

 

And she continues to do the thing that bothers you.

 

Substitutes sex stuff for anything. Loading the dishwasher, going for lunch with a male coworker, spending money on frivilous things, spanking your kids, etc

 

If you are just dating and she can't do this one thing....this dynamic may continue as your relationship continues

 

And that's not a good thing

[Weezy1973]

This sounds quite similar to my last relationship. In my mind it speaks to different core values, and likely means that the relationship won't last. That's what happened with my previous relationship.

 

When someone is naturally on the monogamous end of the spectrum, it comes very naturally to them. Sex is an important act in their life because they are having it with their partner. It's the partner that makes the sex special. For people that are naturally on the "sexually expansive" end of the spectrum, monogamy is much less natural, because it is the sex itself that is important in their life and the partner du jour can be relatively meaningless.

 

Think of it as a grandmother who loves cooking for her family, but it's because she loves her family that the cooking is enjoyable vs a chef who loves cooking just for the act of cooking whether it is strangers or loved ones doesn't matter. It's the cooking that is meaningful to them.

 

These core value differences aren't compatible long term in my opinion.

[LargoLagg]

My two cents.... if it bothers you to hear about her past, and it gives her joy to talk about that stuff, you two are inherently incompatible in the realm of sex, and that's big.

 

Just imagine if you were the kind of guy who liked to talk about your extensive sexual resume too...you guys would be swapping stories and who knows what else all the time. It would probably be some kind of aphrodisiac for you.

 

Or, just imagine if she was just as buttoned up as you... you'd avoid all of this improper sex talk and maybe discuss recipes or something. Whatever, I don't know.

 

My point is not that you have differences, but that you seem to be on opposite poles. I'd suspect there are other things that you fundamentally disagree about too.

 

And just out of curiosity, being perfectly honest, given your attitude, doesn't she strike you as being kind of slutty? I'm not saying she is, but if you "believe in" what you described, then you must believe that she is of loose morals. More than the talk, the very fact that this history exists, I would think that alone bothers you deep down inside. Does it not?

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP I'm going to keep this simple...... Obviously this is important to her so why not help her find an outlet to discuss her past experiences by suggesting she start a blog. This will let her reflect on her past experiences to he heart's content.

 

What??! And encourage voyueristic behavior to be shared with the world??? No way. This may simply open her up to many online strangers and potential infidelity.

 

I was married to a woman more experienced in the are of self-humiliating sex. I never engaged in the activities that she used to do. I am certainly not vanilla in any way, but she quickly learned to appreciate the intimacy and closeness that should be involved when having sex. That these things should happen w/o the intentional pain, humiliating behavior. She also learned to soften her tone. Believe me, my ex-wife was rockin' hot and making love to her was exceptional, but her past relationships, views of men/relationships were tainted and, frankly, dysfunctional.

 

OP, I wonder if her promiscuity is not from a dysfunctional perception of herself and/or relationships. That the only way she feels any value is if men express unencumbered passion in ways that are exciting to her/partner, towards her. I don't know. Perhaps she is afraid of true intimacy?

 

She may be trying. My ex did and stopped using the f*** word to communicate sex or making love (my personal preference with someone I am emotionally close to....). I didn't happen over-night...it was who she WAS...or is...