Do they all belong to some club?

[Grapesofwrath]

I lately noticed an increase on this forum of OW getting emails from their xMM.

 

Looks like my xMM got the memo, because I got an email, too. It said,

 

"Hey stranger, I was wondering how work was going for you? Good? Are you working a lot of hours? Or just the right amount"

 

Before everyone gets their knickers in a twist, yes, I deleted it. No, I am not interested in responding to him.

 

Instead, I come here to vent. First of all, I always hate when people write with "Hey stranger." It seems like an implied accusation that I have not been doing my part to keep in touch. Which in this case is absolutely true, but I resent the accusation. Like I was supposed to do something and didn't.

 

Second...I mean, seriously. Am I supposed to really believe that he is interested in the progress of my career? Curious to know about my work/life balance? It's such a pathetic attempt to be "friends" with me. Good gravy, Marie. I am so happy to be out of this A.

[Cyra]

I think it is a typical attempt to test the waters. Send a generic seemingly innocent email and see if you respond (ie. see if you are still interested and he can get his way again).

Well done for deleting it. He sounds like a loser!

[Lillyp32]

You know what's sad? I'm in such an awful place today that I'd be happy to see an email like that Not because I'd respond, it would simply be nice to know that he's thinking of me and that he did care about me. Pathetic. I'm seriously screwed up.

 

Good for you for deleting it and staying strong!

[Cyra]

You know what's sad? I'm in such an awful place today that I'd be happy to see an email like that Not because I'd respond, it would simply be nice to know that he's thinking of me and that he did care about me. Pathetic. I'm seriously screwed up.

 

Good for you for deleting it and staying strong!

 

That is not what the email meant. It most likely meant he was feeling horny

[Grapesofwrath]

You know what's sad? I'm in such an awful place today that I'd be happy to see an email like that Not because I'd respond, it would simply be nice to know that he's thinking of me and that he did care about me. Pathetic. I'm seriously screwed up.

 

Good for you for deleting it and staying strong!

 

In a couple months, Lilly, come back and read this again. I promise your perspective on it will change. You are still raw. I promise just stick to your path and you will start to heal and see things differently.

 

He doesn't care about my career or my schedule. He is testing the waters. It's been about 8 months or so now. He's hoping I have calmed down to the point where he could convince me to be "friends." So he starts with this seemingly harmless foray into communication. There was no D-Day. I ended it because I was sick and tired of the whole BS situation. Probably difficult for him to imagine that I would actually be happier without him.

 

You see, at the end of the day, he doesn't really care about me. He cares about himself. He gave lip service to understanding that the A was unhealthy for me and should end. But when push comes to shove, he was just appeasing me, hoping that he could wait me out and I would eventually be willing to once again sell myself short for his pleasure.

 

This is who he is. This is how he runs his life. This is how he "manages" his wife and other relationships in his life. Lip service to being a good man of character, but actions reveal otherwise.

 

p.s. I have a date tomorrow night with someone really cute and very single.

[Grapesofwrath]

In the above post, when I say sick and tired of the whole BS situation...

 

I mean the whole Bull$hit situation, not the whole Betrayed Spouse situation. She is totally blameless in this.

 

should have been more careful with my words.

[NTV]

Lol, can you set up an automatic forward rule in your email to send anything to his wife?

[MidnightBlue1980]

In a couple months, Lilly, come back and read this again. I promise your perspective on it will change. You are still raw. I promise just stick to your path and you will start to heal and see things differently.

 

He doesn't care about my career or my schedule. He is testing the waters. It's been about 8 months or so now. He's hoping I have calmed down to the point where he could convince me to be "friends." So he starts with this seemingly harmless foray into communication. There was no D-Day. I ended it because I was sick and tired of the whole BS situation. Probably difficult for him to imagine that I would actually be happier without him.

 

You see, at the end of the day, he doesn't really care about me. He cares about himself. He gave lip service to understanding that the A was unhealthy for me and should end. But when push comes to shove, he was just appeasing me, hoping that he could wait me out and I would eventually be willing to once again sell myself short for his pleasure.

 

This is who he is. This is how he runs his life. This is how he "manages" his wife and other relationships in his life. Lip service to being a good man of character, but actions reveal otherwise.

 

p.s. I have a date tomorrow night with someone really cute and very single.

 

I got emails like these all summer and when I asked what was going on, was he pursuing me, he acted like I was reading into things, he was just being "friendly".

 

There is an expression guys use - it's called "throwing sh*t against the wall to see what sticks". It's when a guy says the same thing to 10 women to see who is weak and takes the bait. "Hey stranger" could have been a cut and paste job, maybe 10 different women he knows from random places received that email today. He is probably missing the affair buzz and fishing to see what is available. Since you have a history, naturally he tested the waters.

 

It took me a long time to realize I was just the one who took the bait. These guys - anyone will do.

 

I don't mean to hurt you, this is not my intention. Don't respond. He is not trying to be your friend. He does not care about you.

[Chica80]

I got emails like these all summer and when I asked what was going on, was he pursuing me, he acted like I was reading into things, he was just being "friendly".

 

There is an expression guys use - it's called "throwing sh*t against the wall to see what sticks". It's when a guy says the same thing to 10 women to see who is weak and takes the bait. "Hey stranger" could have been a cut and paste job, maybe 10 different women he knows from random places received that email today. He is probably missing the affair buzz and fishing to see what is available. Since you have a history, naturally he tested the waters.

 

It took me a long time to realize I was just the one who took the bait. These guys - anyone will do.

 

I don't mean to hurt you, this is not my intention. Don't respond. He is not trying to be your friend. He does not care about you.

 

Ya I've heard the same....it's all a numbers game....you throw out enough baits eventually one will say yes.

 

Although maybe he was genuine maybe he really wants to know....but in the end it doesn't matter it all leads to the same ending.

[Grapesofwrath]

I got emails like these all summer and when I asked what was going on, was he pursuing me, he acted like I was reading into things, he was just being "friendly".

 

There is an expression guys use - it's called "throwing sh*t against the wall to see what sticks". It's when a guy says the same thing to 10 women to see who is weak and takes the bait. "Hey stranger" could have been a cut and paste job, maybe 10 different women he knows from random places received that email today. He is probably missing the affair buzz and fishing to see what is available. Since you have a history, naturally he tested the waters.

 

It took me a long time to realize I was just the one who took the bait. These guys - anyone will do.

 

I don't mean to hurt you, this is not my intention. Don't respond. He is not trying to be your friend. He does not care about you.

 

Not hurt at all, Midnight. I very much agree with your first paragraph. I think he intentionally uses this kind of casual "friendly" language to allow plausible deniability.

 

Also, while anything is possible with these MM, I don't think this was a shotgun email. Before I ended it, I changed jobs and he was helpful in the discussion and negotiation process. So there is some relevance to the question,.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not hurt at all, Midnight. I very much agree with your first paragraph. I think he intentionally uses this kind of casual "friendly" language to allow plausible deniability.

 

I agree. I have guys who are friends and when they contact me, they ask me very specific questions about what is going on in my life and they tell me about specific things in their lives. It shows they are paying attention to me as an individual, at least on the most basic social level.

 

The emails from xmm were very general, I guess so if I sent them to his wife, he could claim he didn't write them or something as they could have been written to anyone. They were very open to interpretation.

 

I personally think he was trying to drive me crazy, confuse me. I think he liked me chasing him, everyone does as long as it's controlled (i.e. I wrote him emotional emails but I was not psycho, driving by his house). It's been over a week since I've received an email. I used to think he was really gone but now I know, these guys, they never leave till they find another soft landing spot.

[ladydesigner]

I agree. I have guys who are friends and when they contact me, they ask me very specific questions about what is going on in my life and they tell me about specific things in their lives. It shows they are paying attention to me as an individual, at least on the most basic social level.

 

The emails from xmm were very general, I guess so if I sent them to his wife, he could claim he didn't write them or something as they could have been written to anyone. They were very open to interpretation.

 

I personally think he was trying to drive me crazy, confuse me. I think he liked me chasing him, everyone does as long as it's controlled (i.e. I wrote him emotional emails but I was not psycho, driving by his house). It's been over a week since I've received an email. I used to think he was really gone but now I know, these guys, they never leave till they find another soft landing spot.

 

Yep be thankful you aren't M'd to someone like this because I can guarantee you he treats his wife/ or anyone else the same way. Many of these men are master manipulators in other areas of their lives as well. I honestly think with some (like my WH) have some sort of personality disorder like NPD. It is who they are and there is no changing it. They don't even think they have any issues

[jenkins95]

((((grapes)))) Jeez, is that the best he can come up with? Pretty pathetically veiled attempt to reach to you.

 

Well done for being so strong and not letting this rock your world too much. Proud of you. He broke NC.... Not you! Be proud of yourself!

 

Tomorrow is another day and all that!

[Grapesofwrath]

Lol, can you set up an automatic forward rule in your email to send anything to his wife?

 

Even if I wanted to do something like this, I don't know her email address.

[Grapesofwrath]

((((grapes)))) Jeez, is that the best he can come up with? Pretty pathetically veiled attempt to reach to you.

 

Well done for being so strong and not letting this rock your world too much. Proud of you. He broke NC.... Not you! Be proud of yourself!

 

Tomorrow is another day and all that!

 

Thanks, Jenkins. I think this is where LS really helped me. From reading all these stories, I fully expected him to do something like this so I was ready for it when it came. As others have pointed out, these affairs follow a famliar and predictable pattern. I had no allusions that it meant anything other than a weak attempt on his part to reconnect and potentially restart the affair.

 

I also want to tell you that your post on LillyP's other thread gave me pause. I am sometimes dismissive of xMM's feelings and forget that he was probably hurting when I ended the A. When I tried to end it previously, he would break down in tears. I mean sobbing. And that would soften my resolve. I hated to see him cry like that. I'm sure he had feelings for me, and that it hurt him when I exited his life so emphatically. That doesn't change what I had to do, however. I had to do it for me. The A was toxic for me. I was in pain from it daily. It confused me and I started to lose my sense of myself and my moral compass. He never future-faked me. There was no chance that we would have a future together. He made that very clear from the start, and I never pressed on that issue. So it had to end sometime, and I decided to be the one to do it, before a DDay, with my head held high.

[jenkins95]

Thanks, Jenkins. I think this is where LS really helped me. From reading all these stories, I fully expected him to do something like this so I was ready for it when it came. As others have pointed out, these affairs follow a famliar and predictable pattern. I had no allusions that it meant anything other than a weak attempt on his part to reconnect and potentially restart the affair.

 

I also want to tell you that your post on LillyP's other thread gave me pause. I am sometimes dismissive of xMM's feelings and forget that he was probably hurting when I ended the A. When I tried to end it previously, he would break down in tears. I mean sobbing. And that would soften my resolve. I hated to see him cry like that. I'm sure he had feelings for me, and that it hurt him when I exited his life so emphatically. That doesn't change what I had to do, however. I had to do it for me. The A was toxic for me. I was in pain from it daily. It confused me and I started to lose my sense of myself and my moral compass. He never future-faked me. There was no chance that we would have a future together. He made that very clear from the start, and I never pressed on that issue. So it had to end sometime, and I decided to be the one to do it, before a DDay, with my head held high.

 

Great post grapes! Yes, I relate to this. At the end of the day, affairs are indeed toxic to all participants (including the ones who knew nothing about it) and it leaves scars.... But that doesn't change the fact that genuine feelings develop, even when we actively try not to. The heart is a very difficult organ to master. In my affair there is no question that the OW and I were both in love, obsessed and addicted to each other. It still hurts and my memories of her will always be a part of me. But, I do love my family and i see with clarity now that ending the A was the right path.

 

It's damaged me and scarred me. I'm not the same person any more, but as I replied to midnight.... I'm doing OK!

 

Never again! I think it's more likely that I would fly into space than have another affair..... But I can never let my guard down.

 

You are right, LS really helps in these situations. Just as it helped you prepare for this, it shows me that I can never send my own 'Hi! Just wondered how you were doing?' email...... It would be so unfair to everyone affected.

[Poppy47]

I lately noticed an increase on this forum of OW getting emails from their xMM.

 

Looks like my xMM got the memo, because I got an email, too. It said,

 

"Hey stranger, I was wondering how work was going for you? Good? Are you working a lot of hours? Or just the right amount"

 

Before everyone gets their knickers in a twist, yes, I deleted it. No, I am not interested in responding to him.

 

Instead, I come here to vent. First of all, I always hate when people write with "Hey stranger." It seems like an implied accusation that I have not been doing my part to keep in touch. Which in this case is absolutely true, but I resent the accusation. Like I was supposed to do something and didn't.

 

 

Second...I mean, seriously. Am I supposed to really believe that he is interested in the progress of my career? Curious to know about my work/life balance? It's such a pathetic attempt to be "friends" with me. Good gravy, Marie. I am so happy to be out of this A.

 

Grapes,

 

You know exactly what it means. LOL.

[Poppy47]

You know what's sad? I'm in such an awful place today that I'd be happy to see an email like that Not because I'd respond, it would simply be nice to know that he's thinking of me and that he did care about me. Pathetic. I'm seriously screwed up.

 

Good for you for deleting it and staying strong!

It doesn't mean he cared for you at all. It simply means that he thinks he can hook you back.

 

POppy.

[Poppy47]

In a couple months, Lilly, come back and read this again. I promise your perspective on it will change. You are still raw. I promise just stick to your path and you will start to heal and see things differently.

 

He doesn't care about my career or my schedule. He is testing the waters. It's been about 8 months or so now. He's hoping I have calmed down to the point where he could convince me to be "friends." So he starts with this seemingly harmless foray into communication. There was no D-Day. I ended it because I was sick and tired of the whole BS situation. Probably difficult for him to imagine that I would actually be happier without him.

 

You see, at the end of the day, he doesn't really care about me. He cares about himself. He gave lip service to understanding that the A was unhealthy for me and should end. But when push comes to shove, he was just appeasing me, hoping that he could wait me out and I would eventually be willing to once again sell myself short for his pleasure.

 

This is who he is. This is how he runs his life. This is how he "manages" his wife and other relationships in his life. Lip service to being a good man of character, but actions reveal otherwise.

 

p.s. I have a date tomorrow night with someone really cute and very single.

 

Grapes

Are you sure your xMM is not the one I had ? They sound like identical twins.

POppy.

[Grey Cloud]

There must be something in the water. My xMM came back (with a vengeance!) the other week. It actually took me by surprise. things have obviously calmed back down for him at home and he may have sensed I was moving on. So he had to pull a few tricks! And no, I didn't fall for the sweet talk this time!

[lemondrop21]

I told xMM that if he ever contacted me again I would tell his wife. In all honesty it's an empty threat, but it's worked so far (coming up on 6 weeks without a peep from him). In fact I think he is actively avoiding me... we had a fire drill the other day at work and it would have been the perfect opportunity for him to catch a glimpse of me since we're supposed to congregate in the same general area. He was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he hid in the restroom lol.

 

Anyway, just something for you to consider if unwanted contact continues, since you didn't have dday. Blocking is a good step too of course, but they can always get around that if really determined (creating new accounts, hiding caller ID etc.).

[Poppy47]

I told xMM that if he ever contacted me again I would tell his wife. In all honesty it's an empty threat, but it's worked so far (coming up on 6 weeks without a peep from him). In fact I think he is actively avoiding me... we had a fire drill the other day at work and it would have been the perfect opportunity for him to catch a glimpse of me since we're supposed to congregate in the same general area. He was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he hid in the restroom lol.

 

Anyway, just something for you to consider if unwanted contact continues, since you didn't have dday. Blocking is a good step too of course, but they can always get around that if really determined (creating new accounts, hiding caller ID etc.).

 

Lemondrop,

 

At the core, most MM seem to be dreadful cowards. They talk the talk, but we their knickers when faced with reality.

 

Poppy.

[Bufo]

God job deleting he email and not responding to it. I quite sure the heat at home has cooled home. (No D Day but was she getting suspicious?) So it became safe to go fishing again. As I have posted before, it is always easier for the OM to try to restart an A than it is to locate, groom, and seduce a new A partner.

 

Because you stuck firmly to NC, he has his work cut out for him. Too damn bad, isn't it?