I think I hurt my MM, I'm hurting....

[Daisy2013]

In a reply to someone's post here asking how I moved on along, I told her I moved to friendzone and felt nothing anymore. True, and I don't. But today, he asked me if I still loved him and I replied "We are friends and I am glad we are out of that ridiculous relationship." He asked if I will still his friend and I replied "We can be, or don't need to be, it really doesn't matter." He responded by saying that he isn't able to move on or forget as fast and why is he trying to be my friend if I don't care." That's all he wants is my friendship, he's not trying to "see" me, so I'm safe there.

 

Now I feel like crap, but my feelings are true. I don't care anymore. I do love him but will never say, and my heart aches, but after everything and all of the waiting, I think it just emptied me. Those two feelings conflict and don't make sense, loving him, but not caring. But it is what I feel.

 

Reading some of these newer questions and the answers on here just gave me the strength to be callous, yet I feel terrible because I am not a callous person. I just don't like pain and will do anything to avoid it. I thought why tell him I do love him as it doesn't change anything and you (telling myself) will just be hurt and need to keep moving on.

 

Was I wrong to be so mean? So indifferent to someone I once held so close? He was hurt by my reply, yet I didn't care. My story is here and he has hurt me many times. He didn't care when he was causing me pain. My fault playing my part 100%, so I do take some blame. I don't even know why I care. I want to be able to never remember us.

[Tayla]

Many folks have the connumdrum of : I love you in my heart yet despise what was done .. In their head.

You are experiencing that. Sometimes the rational self needs to protect the part that is still injured. your still healing...

I am not here to speak of how he feels or what he makes of your demeanor. I am here to say... You will always be moving forward when placing the past .. In the past.

[Chica80]

In a reply to someone's post here asking how I moved on along, I told her I moved to friendzone and felt nothing anymore. True, and I don't. But today, he asked me if I still loved him and I replied "We are friends and I am glad we are out of that ridiculous relationship." He asked if I will still his friend and I replied "We can be, or don't need to be, it really doesn't matter." He responded by saying that he isn't able to move on or forget as fast and why is he trying to be my friend if I don't care." That's all he wants is my friendship, he's not trying to "see" me, so I'm safe there.

 

Now I feel like crap, but my feelings are true. I don't care anymore. I do love him but will never say, and my heart aches, but after everything and all of the waiting, I think it just emptied me. Those two feelings conflict and don't make sense, loving him, but not caring. But it is what I feel.

 

Reading some of these newer questions and the answers on here just gave me the strength to be callous, yet I feel terrible because I am not a callous person. I just don't like pain and will do anything to avoid it. I thought why tell him I do love him as it doesn't change anything and you (telling myself) will just be hurt and need to keep moving on.

 

Was I wrong to be so mean? So indifferent to someone I once held so close? He was hurt by my reply, yet I didn't care. My story is here and he has hurt me many times. He didn't care when he was causing me pain. My fault playing my part 100%, so I do take some blame. I don't even know why I care. I want to be able to never remember us.

 

Hi Daisy....my therapist told me once. Once love is created it is there it exist it doesn't go away but you can focus it somewhere else.

 

I'm not going to discuss was it real not real, only you know.

But I also think you know saying that to him is pointless. Why bring it up? It won't lead anywhere or make a difference. Yes it hurts and we all want to know we are loved and not used, but in this case it doesn't matter because it only brings hurt.

 

I've read a bit of your post. He's a Christian so he feels guilty but not convicted. Conviction brings about change and repentance. Guilt only brings about shame and further spiraling.

 

No you did what was right, saying anything else would only lead you down a path you don't need to go.

[ladydesigner]

In a reply to someone's post here asking how I moved on along, I told her I moved to friendzone and felt nothing anymore. True, and I don't. But today, he asked me if I still loved him and I replied "We are friends and I am glad we are out of that ridiculous relationship." He asked if I will still his friend and I replied "We can be, or don't need to be, it really doesn't matter." He responded by saying that he isn't able to move on or forget as fast and why is he trying to be my friend if I don't care." That's all he wants is my friendship, he's not trying to "see" me, so I'm safe there.

 

Now I feel like crap, but my feelings are true. I don't care anymore. I do love him but will never say, and my heart aches, but after everything and all of the waiting, I think it just emptied me. Those two feelings conflict and don't make sense, loving him, but not caring. But it is what I feel.

 

Reading some of these newer questions and the answers on here just gave me the strength to be callous, yet I feel terrible because I am not a callous person. I just don't like pain and will do anything to avoid it. I thought why tell him I do love him as it doesn't change anything and you (telling myself) will just be hurt and need to keep moving on.

 

Was I wrong to be so mean? So indifferent to someone I once held so close? He was hurt by my reply, yet I didn't care. My story is here and he has hurt me many times. He didn't care when he was causing me pain. My fault playing my part 100%, so I do take some blame. I don't even know why I care. I want to be able to never remember us.

 

(((Daisy2013))) I hate to say it but him saying what he did is a ploy at manipulation and is laying a guilt trip on you. That is not fair especially if you are trying to heal. Did you establish NC at any point with him?

 

You have every right to say what you did and feel what you do with no guilt attached to it.

[Satu]

I'd like to share two poems with you, Daisy:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

 

Other thoughts may come and go,

Other moments I may know

That shall waft me, in their going,

As a breath blown to and fro,

Fragrant memories; fragrant memories

Come and go.

 

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain,

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

— ARTHUR SYMONS, “As a perfume doth remain.”

 

 

Take care.

[Daisy2013]

@Tayla, you make sense, the rational self protecting hurt self. Rational self is ferociously protecting my heart right now. Thank you.

 

@Sunshinechica, thank you. I am trying not to go down that path again. His guilt has moved to conviction, which is why we are just friends now. He will continuously tell me he loves me and that I am irresistible to him, yet insists his convictions keep him from acting on it (at least until he wants to in his time). His conviction keeps him in his marriage because he says his adult kids who are now getting married need to see commitment. He says that conviction of his kids seeing him not divorce is the only reason he stays.

 

@ladydesigner, thank you. I have gone dark and he came after me. But, if I do it again he will turn so fast there will be dust. It upset him when I disappeared and he said not to do it again. When I say I don't care he gets defensive and asks why should he bother. There has been times he ignores me because he thinks I'm upset with him when I wasn't. I have to be good and play "nice" and need to understand how he is feeling. His typical response is "You know me and you know my situation" which is why I should accept this friendship on his terms.

[Daisy2013]

I'd like to share two poems with you, Daisy:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

 

Other thoughts may come and go,

Other moments I may know

That shall waft me, in their going,

As a breath blown to and fro,

Fragrant memories; fragrant memories

Come and go.

 

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain,

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

— ARTHUR SYMONS, “As a perfume doth remain.”

 

 

Take care.

 

Your post came in while I was replying to the others, thank you. Both are sad, yet beautiful. That first one is making me cry and those last two lines so true. "Stoop to become your friend." That's exactly how I feel, stooping. So easy for him, so hard for me (at least when he peppers me with questions. I was managing fine until.). Stoop.

[Daisy2013]

Being called "Irresistible" always made me feel dirty and low. Like it gave him reason for his actions.... It is better to be loved for yourself than for someone not to be able to control oneself because the other is irresistible. (Although, it is perfectly fine and normal with a legitimate relationship!)

[BluesPower]

I don't think that you did anything wrong or mean. Some people just have a hard time getting over stuff.

 

One of my primary OW's, I know so don't start, is still having a hard time getting over it. She still contacts me to tell me how much she hates me. Which is good and bad, she hates me, which means that she is starting to move on. But, she still is in love in a way or she would not "hate" me.

 

It is just the strangest thing. I just don't get it, I have done everything I can do to help her move on, but it is just a slow process for her.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.[/i]

 

 

This. Yes. Says it all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think that you did anything wrong or mean. Some people just have a hard time getting over stuff.

 

One of my primary OW's, I know so don't start, is still having a hard time getting over it. She still contacts me to tell me how much she hates me. Which is good and bad, she hates me, which means that she is starting to move on. But, she still is in love in a way or she would not "hate" me.

 

It is just the strangest thing. I just don't get it, I have done everything I can do to help her move on, but it is just a slow process for her.

 

I'm not sure why you don't understand. Most (I say most bc there are women here who seem to stay detached) women bond through sex. It is a chemical thing. I did not even like xmm before I slept with him and I got instantly attached. (yes, I know, why would I force myself to sleep with someone I didn't like, don't ask). It defies logic. I read up on it. Its biology.

[Poppy47]

Daisy,

 

YOu weren't mean. I don't think you could be if you tried.

 

The friendship thing is impossible. Why do you want to be friends with a MM anyway? It's just another way of hanging onto the A.

 

YOu don't have to accept his terms or anything else you don't want. Just walk away.

Poppy.

[Cyra]

One of my primary OW's, I know so don't start, is still having a hard time getting over it. She still contacts me to tell me how much she hates me. Which is good and bad, she hates me, which means that she is starting to move on. But, she still is in love in a way or she would not "hate" me.

 

It is just the strangest thing. I just don't get it, I have done everything I can do to help her move on, but it is just a slow process for her.

 

I start to think that women are more susceptible to biochemistry than men and in those times emotions overshadow logic.

 

I am a scientist and work with logic all the time, in all aspects of my life.

 

Yet when I was in love with xMM, all logic flew right out of the window. I was acting like an emotional wreck. And it is not that I did not know what I had to do. The 'logical me' would tell me, all the time what I needed to do, I was completely aware. But I was completely powerless against the 'emotional me' as a result of a chemical sh*t storm in my brain. It was like being conscious while completely paralyzed.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Cyra

[elaine567]

In a reply to someone's post here asking how I moved on along, I told her I moved to friendzone and felt nothing anymore. True, and I don't. But today, he asked me if I still loved him and I replied "We are friends and I am glad we are out of that ridiculous relationship." He asked if I will still his friend and I replied "We can be, or don't need to be, it really doesn't matter." He responded by saying that he isn't able to move on or forget as fast and why is he trying to be my friend if I don't care." That's all he wants is my friendship, he's not trying to "see" me, so I'm safe there.

 

NO you are not safe, he is trying to worm his way back into your affections and no doubt your bed.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I start to think that women are more susceptible to biochemistry than men and in those times emotions overshadow logic.

 

I am a scientist and work with logic all the time, in all aspects of my life.

 

Yet when I was in love with xMM, all logic flew right out of the window. I was acting like an emotional wreck. And it is not that I did not know what I had to do. The 'logical me' would tell me, all the time what I needed to do, I was completely aware. But I was completely powerless against the 'emotional me' as a result of a chemical sh*t storm in my brain. It was like being conscious while completely paralyzed.

 

YEP! This ^^^ And did you think because you were so logical you could control it (when you first started getting involved)? I thought so. I'm normally very logical and balanced, thought I could keep myself in check...I was foolish thinking I could. I even remember having a conversation with MM in month one about mother nature being so smart...the rush of Oxytocin in the brain with new love. Still thought I'd control my emotions. Slippery slope. Silly me!