Miss Spider Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Has anyone dealt with this or overcome it? How long did it take. I unintentionally hurt someone (several times) by breaking up with them because of my own issues. Now they through with me and very hurt. I am wracked with guilt and regret. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 What are you guilty and regretful about? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Spider Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 It's a long story, but basically I was seeing this guy who I thought was a bad guy because I'm insecure. He wasn't. I broke up with him and he gave me chance after chance until finally he couldn't take it anymore. I hate that I hurt/annoyed someone who was trying to care about me. This is a pattern Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 It's a long story, but basically I was seeing this guy who I thought was a bad guy because I'm insecure. He wasn't. I broke up with him and he gave me chance after chance until finally he couldn't take it anymore. I hate that I hurt/annoyed someone who was trying to care about me. This is a pattern He'll get over it at some point, just like you will too. You did mention in your other post that he did in some way treat you poorly. You have to accept this for what it is and start to focus on the "pattern" that you've been putting out. You can't change what has happened (and do not unblock him to try and undo what happened) but only to manage how you feel and in time you will get past it. Focus on your issues. He'll move on from this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Spider Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 Thank you so much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RyanO1991 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) When you say thet you're regretful, do you mean that you're considering working things out with him? Edited October 13, 2016 by RyanO1991 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Spider Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 When you say thet you're regretful, do you mean that you're considering working things out with him? No:( they're over working on it. I did too much damage. It just wouldn't work out Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I've been on the receiving end more so than being the aggressor, so... but yeah. The feelings will definitely subside, in due time. You just have to be focused and willing enough to withdraw the mistakes and actions completely. That way you'll avoid doing them repeatedly for future reference, with a potential future partner. Like Zah said, he'll get over it in his own way, as will you. Sometimes it's not out of spite or to be bitter, but it's just the lack of compatibility and sense of unrequited love and affection. You cannot and should not always blame yourself, even if you are the person that initiated everything in a negative manner. Learning curbs; trial and error. It's unfortunate that some things hurt us and other people, but it happens and is very hard to avoid in common situations. The emotions and the feelings you're currently feeling, will pass. Let them and try to savor the good memories rather than the ultimate endings and negatives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tolduso05 Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 OP, yep. I sure have...several times. But I feel like often times a SO will try making to feel like you're the one with so many issues. In actuality, your gut is just sending you a message to wake up and pay attention because something isnt right. So ,yes I hurt my ex when breaking up with him, but if I didnt leave he would've become more verbally aggressive and eventually drove me insane or in the ground...literally. I think my ex was more shocked than hurt, that I actually left him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 One thing you can do is call him and tell him how you feel and then apologize and tell him that you will leave him be so that he can find the person who's right for him. At the very least, by recognizing and acknowledging that you will show him that you care about his feelings, that you have a conscience and feel regret and remorse. It goes along way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Spider Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 so my ex and I parted ways. I decided I'm ready to put my foot in the water and start dating again. But as I'm swiping through people on dating sites none of them are nearly as attractive as my ex. I'm not sure if he was just a particularly attractive guy or I have love goggles on? It's like no one even holds a candle to him in terms of looks and it's really disappointing. I asked my friends if he was attractive and they said hell now and I said how attractive and they said sorry 0%, but I can't help but think he's conventionally handsome and I'll never find anyone like him. When we first met I was super attracted to him too and rarely I find a guy im that attracted to physically, but I think it's worse now. what the hell am I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 How long ago did you two break up? How long were you together? What were the circumstances of the split? These all matter. You shouldn't feel rushed to get back into dating if you're not ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 OP, based on your last thread, you really are not ready to date anyone right now. Trying to find another guy isn't going to help you hurt less. You and this other man were never actually in a relationship (if that's whom you are referring to as your ex here, that is) and you repeatedly ran away from him. Just a few days ago you were blowing up his phone and panicking because he told you he couldn't continue seeing you because you were so hot and cold. Why not stay single and really focus on the underlying issues rather than repeat what you have just gone through? It would be a lot more productive, I feel. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 It's an indicator that you're just not ready to start dating again yet. You're not over your ex if you still compare everyone to him. You found your ex so attractive because he was the right person at the time for you. Clearly these new fella's just aren't the right person for you. It's pretty telling that you're dipping your toe in that water, instead of jumping right in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry Cookies, but you're very much NOT ready to start dating. Look back at your previous threads to remind yourself how much work you have to do. Also, is this ex that you're hung up on a guy who you had a relationship with? Or is it the recent guy who you had a few dates with? Get started on that counselling. Edited October 15, 2016 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Why the rush to jump back into dating? Put the phone down, stop swiping, and go outside. Spend time with friends and family. Exercise. Watch one of your favorite shows. Learn a new recipe. Go for walks at a park solo or wth a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cucumber95 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 I have same think, all people look plain to me... and I look for my girlfriend in them, sometimes I find people who look like her and they look nice to me :/ It makes me feel worse really, I think I am going to stop going on these sites. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 OP, based on your last thread, you really are not ready to date anyone right now. Trying to find another guy isn't going to help you hurt less. You and this other man were never actually in a relationship (if that's whom you are referring to as your ex here, that is) and you repeatedly ran away from him. Just a few days ago you were blowing up his phone and panicking because he told you he couldn't continue seeing you because you were so hot and cold. Why not stay single and really focus on the underlying issues rather than repeat what you have just gone through? It would be a lot more productive, I feel. This. Cookies, I thought you were going to stay away from dating and get help..what happened to the progress you made in your last thread? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 You went on 6 dates..I truly doubt you broke his heart. I don't think you need to feel guilty. Also I hope you do not listen to the advice to call him..the whole reason he didn't want to see you again is because you contacted him too much and because you dumped him three times..more contact will not help anything. It will only send you into another frenzy. In general I think it's cruel for a dumper to contact the dumpee after a break up just to relieve their own guilt. It gives the dumpee hope that they want to get back together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Focus your energy on rebuilding a relationship with yourself. No dating, no guys, no Tinder, etc. I mean only days ago you were moaning about this guy and agreeing you need to stay away from dating because of your issues?! You're trying to seek another man to fill a void that this guy just left. Fill that void on your own by investing in yourself. You've grasped nothing from your other threads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 (edited) It's interesting that a (romantic) relationship is what one immediately thinks about, when they have inner problems that have to do with themselves more than the romantic targets/partners. Too many times have I read about people feeling lost/worthless/unloved, and the first thing they think about is, how to get a new boyfriend/girlfriend? I, for one, am no exception, except it was the reverse. I was in a LTR when I realized I didn't even know who I was, and had to break it off in order to just grow up, know more about ME, what I want from life, what I want to do with my life, etc. Only when I was happy, and I mean really happy, with my life, did I feel prepared to let another human being in, on an intimate level. I stayed single for 6 years, not even a single date let alone relationships, and it was totally worth it when I finally met my SO. These past 6 years flew by and were the best 6 years of my life - I focused on school, exceled academically again, traveled, made new friends and got closer to old friends. I expect the next couple of years to continue being this good, not because I have a SO now, but because I love myself, I love life, and have found someone to share those feelings with. OP, I've read your other threads, and it seems you still have much to recover from your past burdens. Once upon a time, I also thought men were all d-bags, all were out to get sex, use women, then run to another one just to repeat. This is because in my culture, men are usually people who leave women. Only when I grew older did I understand, it's not that men are bad and women are good, as humans we all have our strengths and flaws, but in a typical patriarchal society, men have more opportunities to do the hurting. Just like women, men have feelings, desire to be loved, and want deeper connections than just physical. It dawned on me one day - I was helping my best friend (male, and we were never interested in each other romantically) get through a heartbreak for the longest time, talked to him every other day for half a year, etc. And as it dragged on and he was still miserable after such a long time, I realized just like women, men suffer from depression, heartbreaks, and insecurity too, but they tend to be less vocal about it, until they find someone they can trust enough not to judge them to let out their true feelings. It's easy for me to say this because all the men in my life have been very decent, loving people, and I've never been hurt by a man before (minus unrequited feelings but heh, if they're not interested and they say it like it is, they're not hurting you but doing you a favor ). So, you just have to believe me on this. Men are perfectly capable of loving and being in serious relationship, but you have to give them the chance to do so. And you can't do that until you're happy with who you are, as a stand-alone person. Edited October 15, 2016 by niji 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Spider Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) I know, I know. You guys are right. I just thought it'd help me get over. I'm scheduled to talk to someone on the 27th. Thanks:( Also, niji - I don't think I've seen you on here before. Your post really struck a cord with me. Its nice to find someone who can relate and gives me a lot to think about. Ty. Edited October 16, 2016 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I know, I know. You guys are right. I just thought it'd help me get over. I'm scheduled to talk to someone on the 27th. Thanks:( Also, niji - I don't think I've seen you on here before. Your post really struck a cord with me. Its nice to find someone who can relate and gives me a lot to think about. Ty. We are at a good time of year for a dating break. Deactivate your dating accounts for the time being. Maybe wait until after the holidays to reactivate? Keep us posted on things. Link to post Share on other sites
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