I'm the other woman

[loney_girl]

 

The next day, he made an effort to spend one hour talking with me with no distractions, what a wonderful treat, but I again screw it up, I started talking about his ex-OW, and got jealous and assumed that he was still thinking about her. .

 

 

I'm sorry for your situation Confusingme. I am just curious about what you said about his ex-OW. Did he leave a different OW for you? Sorry if this is a bad question to ask.

[aileD]

I see the reasoning but it is not the BS's responsibility to do this. Why would she/he care about the OBS? The only way she would do that would be out of spite and with intention to hurt the OP.

 

No. we do it because we know how it feels to not have a choice and we want to give the other spouse the same opportunity to take control of their lives.

[Cyra]

Elaine, AileD. I take your insights on board. I have never been in the situation nor am I married so I have no idea what it is like.

 

However I can say that if I found out my partner was having an affair, I would not feel compelled to go telling his OW's spouse/partner. It just doesnt make sense to me and it is not my place.

[notmyselfnow]

I see the reasoning but it is not the BS's responsibility to do this. Why would she/he care about the OBS? The only way she would do that would be out of spite and with intention to hurt the OP.

 

Having been a BS who was told by someone who could not just stand by and see and know, and as someone who is eternally grateful to that person who told me - I will ALWAYS tell anyone if I find evidence of their partner cheating. It is the decent thing to do. No one deserves to be lied to in that way, and everyone deserves to make an informed choice. Moreover, cheaters are putting their partners in physical danger.

 

So, maybe a BS will tell another BS in anger, but who cares? It's still the right thing to do.

[Cyra]

Having been a BS who was told by someone who could not just stand by and see and know, and as someone who is eternally grateful to that person who told me - I will ALWAYS tell anyone if I find evidence of their partner cheating. It is the decent thing to do. No one deserves to be lied to in that way, and everyone deserves to make an informed choice. Moreover, cheaters are putting their partners in physical danger.

 

So, maybe a BS will tell another BS in anger, but who cares? It's still the right thing to do.

 

Ok i do get this. I too would be grateful if someone told me. I see your point now

[ladydesigner]

I am grateful even to MOW for telling me my WH's A never ended and that we were in False R. I had absolutely no idea. I now know whom my WH is and for that I am thankful.

[sandylee1]

On the plus side OP, the fact that you depend on your husband financially, might mean he doesn't divorce you ...

Because it will cost him a lot.

 

That's not to say he'll forgive you ... just that he will internally hate what you did and possibly hate you for it, but end up becoming bitter because of the fear of paying child support and spousal support.

 

Do you work?

Can you start becoming a bit financially independent?

[Chica80]

OP are you still around?

[confusingme]

I'm sorry for your situation Confusingme. I am just curious about what you said about his ex-OW. Did he leave a different OW for you? Sorry if this is a bad question to ask.

 

No, his ex-OW was in another country

He was transferred to another country for 3 years. and there he had this ex-ow.

He came back to the US and after 2 months he found me.

[confusingme]

OP are you still around?

 

are you calling me ?Sunshinechica?

What does OP stand for ?

[Chica80]

are you calling me ?Sunshinechica?

What does OP stand for ?

 

OP= Original Poster, the person who started the thread.

 

You've had a lot of information today just wondering how you are doing

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he will find it out.

The other man told me in the last phone call that his wife is very much worried I would try to go to his house and cause harm to their children which I would never do !! But I'm glad to know this because it means his wife doesn't want to get involved with me.

I'm really hoping that they can move on.

Anyway, if my husband finds out, I would be honest and try my best to fix it. I'm not prepare for it yet but I know I would beg for his forgiveness. Then I would live like a 2nd degree citizen in the marriage.

I depend on my husband for everything financially.

 

OF COURSE your husband is going to find out. His wife will dig and dig until she finds more about you and then him.

 

I suggest you come clean now before your husband hears it from someone else. And then get yourself into counseling and fix yourself, show your husband that you're worthy of a second chance. Maybe if he sees that you made a real bad mistake and are working on your issues, show him that you can be trustworthy again, show him that you're genuinely remorseful for having an affair, he'll work with you to salvage the marriage.

 

You have a lot to lose, you risked your marriage, your security, your whole life for a MM who and I quote, (it's a huge red flag I hope you see this) said to you "because in the beginning he told me "our relationship will be like a fairy tale, you will be my princes." and then he threw a tantrum because you weren't the perfect quiet OW and just make him happy, no arguments or disagreeing with him.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he will find it out.

The other man told me in the last phone call that his wife is very much worried I would try to go to his house and cause harm to their children which I would never do !! But I'm glad to know this because it means his wife doesn't want to get involved with me.

I'm really hoping that they can move on.

Anyway, if my husband finds out, I would be honest and try my best to fix it. I'm not prepare for it yet but I know I would beg for his forgiveness. Then I would live like a 2nd degree citizen in the marriage.

I depend on my husband for everything financially.

 

This means he's thrown you under the bus. He's probably told his wife you're crazy and not to even bother talking to you because you're capable of doing something .... Many (in fact most) MM throw their OW under the bus when DDay happens.

 

Also, be prepared that your friend may tell your husband, I just thought of that.

[BTDT2012]

Elaine, AileD. I take your insights on board. I have never been in the situation nor am I married so I have no idea what it is like.

 

However I can say that if I found out my partner was having an affair, I would not feel compelled to go telling his OW's spouse/partner. It just doesnt make sense to me and it is not my place.

 

It is that mindset that allows you to justify being an AP. And I say this as a person who was an AP many, many years ago when my first marriage ended. I hope that you never have to endure being a BS as its probably the only way you will understand.

[Ahurtgirl]

Let him go. He will cheat again. He says he is in MC and probably is but very possible he is already out looking for his next AP also. This is how these type of men are. They really don't change, they just get better at hiding it by using an alias name and fake numbers, kik, etc., but the wife believes that her husband really means he won't cheat again because he really does do everything he can to reconcile but he almost always has a hidden agenda. He gets what he wants. They always do.

[Jersey born raised]

Your friend impresses me. From your description your friend did not disclose who you are. Is that correct? Did she disclose the OW from another country?

 

While I think you intellectually understand what your actions will do to your husband, emotionally I think you do not. Here are two threads I think will be of use to you going forward:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

I suggest you also do a search on the concept of limerence. Here is a quote I found and copied onto notepad. Forgive all the * I have no idea why notepad inserts them:

 

 

 

What Is Limerence?

 

We use the term limerence for this strong emotion. It was coined in 1979 by Dorothy Tennov. In her book Love and Limerence she listed a number of characteristics of limerence including:

 

• intrusive thinking about the person one is madly in love with (referred to as the Limerent Object or LO)

 

• strong, pervasive longing for the LO to reciprocate the emotion

 

• feelings of euphoria or ecstasy when any action by the LO is interpreted as demonstrating reciprocal emotions

 

• obsessive thinking about the LO to the point that many other things, even important things, are ignored or neglected

 

• a powerful perception that the LO is nearly flawless (good qualities are magnified; bad qualities strongly minimized)

 

• sexual desire for the LO

 

Neither a straying spouse nor a paramour in limerence sees the future as it likely will be. They exist in the throes of ecstasy that come with limerence, as well as the pits of fear when anything occurs that has any possibility of preventing them from being together. That fear leads each of them not only to experience exuberance when the LO demonstrates positive emotion, but also worry and despair if they interpret any word or action from the LO as negative. Those of us who have been through limerence testify that it is a strange, overwhelming sensation that vacillates wildly between love and fear, joy and misery. That’s why logic doesn’t work with people in limerence. It’s such a powerful emotion that it denies the logic that confronts it.

[sundancekid]

hi, I just joined this site....I really empathize with you, and I am a man!! I am about to embark on an A, but have alot of doubts about the desperation of the OW..I don't have much time today, but first of all, people like Sunshine are very condescending on here, and it's not right..

an A is a very complex situation,, full of grey ares, she can't glibly say he's wrong or you're wrong!! It's not that simple.....I am also trapped in a sexless marriage w/out intimacy...but I'm still married.....both you and OM have alot to lose, so to be fair to each other you have to set the boundaries in the beginning...where you both are coming from is desperation because there is a lack of compassion in your married life...your husband has to share a large part of this responsibility!! We all need passion, compassion in our lives, and it's a hole we need to fill. Both men and women, I believe..although probably there are alot of men who use women callously....BUT falling in love is a different ballgame..once you start, it's a Pandora's box.....it sounds like you are obsessing about him, and that's a very difficult spot to be in...he might be thinking alot about you too, but you have to respect each other's boundaries...you cannot change your marriage, and you probably have guilt....but don't blame yourself, your husband is also guilty!!! you come from a place of need, don't let these other posters reinforce your guilt, it's not that simple!!!!..your friend, wow, get rid of her, and give her a real piece of your mind!! don't take BS from anybody, forget that confessional guilt crap....you are a devoted wife, but when one partner withholds things, like intimacy, what is the result?? Believe me, you are not solely to blame.....but don't fall in love, that's tough, because the A is everything you wish your marriage to be!!! BUt...never, ever, ever tell ANYONE about it, and NEVER tell your husband. You have too much to lose...so....it may be good to see a therapist by youyrself, I think talking alot to someone professional helps, and you may find a solution. Ha, now after all this advice, have I just talked myself out of an A???? I wish it were that simple.................best, sundancekid

[Jersey born raised]

Kid, no.

 

While emotions are indeed a gray area, actions in this case are not. They are black and white. Do not confuse the two.

 

I often disagree to some degree to sunshine but I have never found her to be condescending.

 

She and you have a difficult decision to make. Confront the issues with your spouse, demand change and if change does not occur divorce and accept the fall out. Adultery is an action and a choice. Don't think for a moment it is not.

[HeCantBreakMe]

hi, I just joined this site....I really empathize with you, and I am a man!! I am about to embark on an A, but have alot of doubts about the desperation of the OW..I don't have much time today, but first of all, people like Sunshine are very condescending on here, and it's not right..

an A is a very complex situation,, full of grey ares, she can't glibly say he's wrong or you're wrong!! It's not that simple.....I am also trapped in a sexless marriage w/out intimacy...but I'm still married.....both you and OM have alot to lose, so to be fair to each other you have to set the boundaries in the beginning...where you both are coming from is desperation because there is a lack of compassion in your married life...your husband has to share a large part of this responsibility!! We all need passion, compassion in our lives, and it's a hole we need to fill. Both men and women, I believe..although probably there are alot of men who use women callously....BUT falling in love is a different ballgame..once you start, it's a Pandora's box.....it sounds like you are obsessing about him, and that's a very difficult spot to be in...he might be thinking alot about you too, but you have to respect each other's boundaries...you cannot change your marriage, and you probably have guilt....but don't blame yourself, your husband is also guilty!!! you come from a place of need, don't let these other posters reinforce your guilt, it's not that simple!!!!..your friend, wow, get rid of her, and give her a real piece of your mind!! don't take BS from anybody, forget that confessional guilt crap....you are a devoted wife, but when one partner withholds things, like intimacy, what is the result?? Believe me, you are not solely to blame.....but don't fall in love, that's tough, because the A is everything you wish your marriage to be!!! BUt...never, ever, ever tell ANYONE about it, and NEVER tell your husband. You have too much to lose...so....it may be good to see a therapist by youyrself, I think talking alot to someone professional helps, and you may find a solution. Ha, now after all this advice, have I just talked myself out of an A???? I wish it were that simple.................best, sundancekid

 

This LS friends is the exact type of man i had an affair with... Blame the spouse for driving me into the affair. I deserve happiness and passion too. NEVER EVER tell- take it to your grave why cause the other person so much pain? -- MAN, talk about triggers I feel like i am sitting in my office with MM trying to make me feel less guilty about the affair and make me feel entitled to finding my own happiness regardless of who i trample on in the process.

[Chica80]

hi, I just joined this site....I really empathize with you, and I am a man!! I am about to embark on an A, but have alot of doubts about the desperation of the OW..I don't have much time today, but first of all, people like Sunshine are very condescending on here, and it's not right..

an A is a very complex situation,, full of grey ares, she can't glibly say he's wrong or you're wrong!! It's not that simple.....I am also trapped in a sexless marriage w/out intimacy...but I'm still married.....both you and OM have alot to lose, so to be fair to each other you have to set the boundaries in the beginning...where you both are coming from is desperation because there is a lack of compassion in your married life...your husband has to share a large part of this responsibility!! We all need passion, compassion in our lives, and it's a hole we need to fill. Both men and women, I believe..although probably there are alot of men who use women callously....BUT falling in love is a different ballgame..once you start, it's a Pandora's box.....it sounds like you are obsessing about him, and that's a very difficult spot to be in...he might be thinking alot about you too, but you have to respect each other's boundaries...you cannot change your marriage, and you probably have guilt....but don't blame yourself, your husband is also guilty!!! you come from a place of need, don't let these other posters reinforce your guilt, it's not that simple!!!!..your friend, wow, get rid of her, and give her a real piece of your mind!! don't take BS from anybody, forget that confessional guilt crap....you are a devoted wife, but when one partner withholds things, like intimacy, what is the result?? Believe me, you are not solely to blame.....but don't fall in love, that's tough, because the A is everything you wish your marriage to be!!! BUt...never, ever, ever tell ANYONE about it, and NEVER tell your husband. You have too much to lose...so....it may be good to see a therapist by youyrself, I think talking alot to someone professional helps, and you may find a solution. Ha, now after all this advice, have I just talked myself out of an A???? I wish it were that simple.................best, sundancekid

 

 

Not Codescending.. .

 

I was a MOW.

 

Now OW. Been going on 20+ months. It's very painful very hurtful. Just trying to spare you that your OW that if you care about her at all.

[Chica80]

Kid, no.

 

While emotions are indeed a gray area, actions in this case are not. They are black and white. Do not confuse the two.

 

I often disagree to some degree to sunshine but I have never found her to be condescending.

 

She and you have a difficult decision to make. Confront the issues with your spouse, demand change and if change does not occur divorce and accept the fall out. Adultery is an action and a choice. Don't think for a moment it is not.

 

 

Thanks Jersey

[Jersey born raised]

Your welcome sunshinechica.

 

HCBM: drove you into adultery? Hell no. No one took a gun to your head. You allowed a low point in your marriage combined with a lack of personal fortitude to develop into adultery during which your absence affected both your husband and your children. You mentioned in a previous post you found out as a result of discussing your adultery with your mother she too committed an undisclosed adultery on her part. Did your dad (who still does not know) deserve it?

[ShatteredLady]

hi, I just joined this site....I really empathize with you, and I am a man!! I am about to embark on an A, but have alot of doubts about the desperation of the OW..I don't have much time today, but first of all, people like Sunshine are very condescending on here, and it's not right..

an A is a very complex situation,, full of grey ares, she can't glibly say he's wrong or you're wrong!! It's not that simple.....I am also trapped in a sexless marriage w/out intimacy...but I'm still married.....both you and OM have alot to lose, so to be fair to each other you have to set the boundaries in the beginning...where you both are coming from is desperation because there is a lack of compassion in your married life...your husband has to share a large part of this responsibility!! We all need passion, compassion in our lives, and it's a hole we need to fill. Both men and women, I believe..although probably there are alot of men who use women callously....BUT falling in love is a different ballgame..once you start, it's a Pandora's box.....it sounds like you are obsessing about him, and that's a very difficult spot to be in...he might be thinking alot about you too, but you have to respect each other's boundaries...you cannot change your marriage, and you probably have guilt....but don't blame yourself, your husband is also guilty!!! you come from a place of need, don't let these other posters reinforce your guilt, it's not that simple!!!!..your friend, wow, get rid of her, and give her a real piece of your mind!! don't take BS from anybody, forget that confessional guilt crap....you are a devoted wife, but when one partner withholds things, like intimacy, what is the result?? Believe me, you are not solely to blame.....but don't fall in love, that's tough, because the A is everything you wish your marriage to be!!! BUt...never, ever, ever tell ANYONE about it, and NEVER tell your husband. You have too much to lose...so....it may be good to see a therapist by youyrself, I think talking alot to someone professional helps, and you may find a solution. Ha, now after all this advice, have I just talked myself out of an A???? I wish it were that simple.................best, sundancekid

 

 

 

I don't think we should take over this thread. I think it's a very good idea that you start your own thread, although your contempt for the members here oozes from your 2 posts....You say that you are about to start an affair. It's not too late.

 

If you start your own thread I hope that the male members here who have been (sort of) in your situation could help you avoid making a huge mistake. I get the impression that most advise will fall on deaf ears but hopefully you will 'get' some of it & save the women in your life untold agony.

 

"Don't fall in love!". Yep! Great advise!!! That will work for all the OW here!?!?!?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Your welcome sunshinechica.

 

HCBM: drove you into adultery? Hell no. No one took a gun to your head. You allowed a low point in your marriage combined with a lack of personal fortitude to develop into adultery during which your absence affected both your husband and your children. You mentioned in a previous post you found out as a result of discussing your adultery with your mother she too committed an undisclosed adultery on her part. Did your dad (who still does not know) deserve it?

 

Not sure if you caught my sarcasm. I don't believe those things but they were the exact things my Mm told me daily!! Just saying Kid sounded like my Mm.

 

Did my dad deserve the affair?? Gosh . I can't answe that question. In my childlike brain yes he did. He was a verbally abusive alcoholic and made my mom feel like s*** half the time. He still drinks but isn't as much of an a**. She never would have had the balls to leave him so she found someone who made her feel

Good for a small moment in her life. But this is all i saw so I am sure there is more than I could comprehend or understand ... I am protective of her always have been when it came to my dad. I wish she would have owned up

To the affair because maybe my dad would have stopped drinking . I will never know now.

 

 

moderator note: thread continued here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/599569-every-part-me-hurts

 

~6

 

Edited October 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator