So, do they (MMs) actually love us ?

[confusingme]

I have stayed up all night reading stories on this forum.

I'm shocked to learn that how many women have been going through the same pain...and shock to realize that my pain has gone down so much less just by reading, maybe realizing that I'm not the only one made me feel better?

 

I feel like I could move on a bit more easily because I read so many stories about women spending years on the affairs then their MM still never left their wives.

 

My affair is short, it was only 2 months.

Shall I feel lucky ? Cause the longer it lasts, the more pain right ?

That said, I feel terrible bad for those who have spent years on their MMs. It is really a waste of life, especially when the women were single, they could have used those years to find true love and being the one who was loved, cared, wanted and the only one in a man's life.

 

However, I know how an affair tastes like.

It's lonely, but it feels "beautiful", like drug, like you WANT to be there.

Cause an affair does not connect to life, it doesn't mix with reality or life, life sucks. Maybe we need that feeling deep inside of us.

At least, I feel this way.

 

I still feel sad about my MM going back to his wife.

 

So we all have fallen in love with our MMs, so deep that it hurts.

I have read a post online, "I'm the other woman and loving your husband hurts me too". it touched my heart, it feels so beautifully lonely when I read it, I even cried. However, it will not help you with move on, so if your are recovering, don't get search that... ()

 

Anyway, I'm really really curious how do our MMs feel about us ?

Pretty much every one of them says they love us.

Mine always was clear that he would not leave his family, although I don't believe "honest cheat" crap, it made me feel better because at least I knew he was not trying to trick me.

He never told me his marriage was a mess or anything bad about his marriage. He told me he just simply lost interest in his wife. But he felt very passionate for me. and he loved me.

His honesty made me believe that his feelings about me were real.

 

When we broken up. he told me "You are special and I like you, you will be living in my mind."

A call (the last call) after the break up, he told me "I don't want to lose you in my life, but you need to give me time."

(his wife knew something about it and now they are going counseling, trying to fix the marriage)

 

I'm curious what your MMs made you feel ?

I believe men have feelings too, they just can separate things better than women do. but they hurt too right ?

[Cyra]

I think in most cases they love us as long as it is convenient for them. Which in turn means they dont really love us.

 

There are some 'honest' men who say from the beginning what they want and never claim to love you.

 

Then there are those who truly do and who will move mountains to be with you. They are few and far between though.

[Jammydodger7]

Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But the fact is, they don't want to choose us. They are selfish enough to ensure their own needs for emotional or physical intimacy get met, whilst keeping us tied into their toxic situation.

 

As harsh as it sounds (and I ask myself whether his feelings were real CONSTANTLY), it doesn't matter anymore. We deserve men who CHOOSE us.

 

x

[Wade Lamare]

There are selfish entitled men AND women who think nothing of playing with peoples emotions to satisfy their own narcissism and self centred desires and could not care less about other peoples feelings.

 

Unfortunately it is very difficult to realise this when you are very much in love.

 

Reality can be quite the slap in the face when it happens.

[Forever broken]

Yes he made me feel loved, wanted, needed. I realized now that he did that to string me as long as time allows him.

 

Personally I refused to believe he loved me. If he did, he would be with me no matter what.

[Cyra]

Personally I refused to believe he loved me. If he did, he would be with me no matter what.

 

True words.

[Friskyone4u]

Confused,

 

You read a lot on here. Read some actual books on infidelity. You will find that men enter affairs for SEX . Of course they may develop feelings, but the emotional connection that women usually develop before the sex starts is usually not the same.

 

That is why on these forums you see countless women pining for OM months and years after the affair ends. Once the sex is over, men do not maintain that connection for anywhere nearly as long. And when they do it is usually because they are hoping to revive the PA.

 

The ego kibbles that you ate up were paid for in sex to OM. That is how it works.

 

And the simple fact is the the overwhelming majority of affairs with a MM end exactly like your did. That is why you find so many women on here doing exactly what you are. You do not see too many men here breaking NC, putting the families on tghe line to remain non sexual "friends" with women.

 

The quicker you accept what some have told you that he is with her and not you and move on the better off you will be.

 

And one other little piece of knowledge for you. If you actually do the reading you will see how small the chances of successful marriages occur when they are borne out of infidelity by one or both of the partners. They fail many many more times than they succeed.

[imperfectangel]

Yes he made me feel loved, wanted, needed. I realized now that he did that to string me as long as time allows him.

 

Personally I refused to believe he loved me. If he did, he would be with me no matter what.

 

I don't believe in the "no matter what". For my mm we were very long distance and I don't blame him for not wanting to live 3 hours away from his children.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I believe men have feelings too, they just can separate things better than women do. but they hurt too right ?

 

You can't lump all men into one bucket. If you read here, you will see a lot of posts by Jenkins and DKG3, two men who are polar opposites of each other. Jenkins is always virtually hugging everyone and all hearts over his xow and DKG3 is ....not hugs. There was a guy here forget his name now who posted a lot about hating his exow bc she fell for him. Then there is Blue who is in the middle, hating no one but not loving any of his xow either.

 

In general they appear to compartmentalize but in reality the stress and denial of their feelings tends to shorten their lives. Of course men have feelings, they are just taught as little boys to hide and suppress them.

[aileD]

I don't believe in the "no matter what". For my mm we were very long distance and I don't blame him for not wanting to live 3 hours away from his children.

 

He could have still divorced his wife and been faithful to you. Even if he didn't move

 

He made it work enough to have an affair. Just not a real relationship?

 

I think OW grasp at MM excuses because it hurts to know you weren't that important to someone that was that important to you.

 

Not judging or putting anyone down, just saying what looks like facts to me.

[imperfectangel]

He could have still divorced his wife and been faithful to you. Even if he didn't move

 

He made it work enough to have an affair. Just not a real relationship?

 

I think OW grasp at MM excuses because it hurts to know you weren't that important to someone that was that important to you.

 

Not judging or putting anyone down, just saying what looks like facts to me.

 

Well all respect I won't go into what facts I think about some bs' as I'll get banned.

 

And we are/we're long distance we barely saw each other I wouldn't call making that work TBH

[aileD]

Well all respect I won't go into what facts I think about some bs' as I'll get banned.

 

And we are/we're long distance we barely saw each other I wouldn't call making that work TBH

 

Then why even have the affair if so far apart? Meet your own selfish needs?

 

You can think whatever you want about BS, but the fact still remains that it is never their fault their husband chooses to stray and it is never their fault OW chose to get in the middle of their marriage.

 

Divorce is ALWAYS an option.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband told his OW that he loved her because that is what she wanted to hear. While he didn't love her, he did care about her.

[Quiet Storm]

They often do love OW, but other things in life are more important. For many OW, the existence of love means that they should be together. MM rarely share that thought process. Love can easily exist for them without expectations. They don't want to change their lives or replace their wives. While OW often see the affair as a sign that MMs existing life needs to change, MM rarely think that. To them, it's an enhancement to their already established lives, which they have no desire to change.

[Whoknew30]

Then why even have the affair if so far apart? Meet your own selfish needs?

 

You can think whatever you want about BS, but the fact still remains that it is never their fault their husband chooses to stray and it is never their fault OW chose to get in the middle of their marriage.

 

Divorce is ALWAYS an option.

 

Divorce is option for a BS too...if a BS continues to stay with a serial cheater, then yes, it is their fault that they continue to stay in the marriage..."first time shame on you,second time shame on me".

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husband told his OW that he loved her because that is what she wanted to hear. While he didn't love her, he did care about her.

 

How do you know this is not a lie? With all due respect, xmm told his BS the same exact thing in MC to mislead her. Come on. I respect my husband because he is honest, he said he loved OW because he felt it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Then why even have the affair if so far apart? Meet your own selfish needs?

 

You can think whatever you want about BS, but the fact still remains that it is never their fault their husband chooses to stray and it is never their fault OW chose to get in the middle of their marriage.

 

Divorce is ALWAYS an option.

 

Angel knows very little about the BS and has never blamed her or posted anything, so I am not sure where you are getting this all from.

[Whoknew30]

There are so many factors to love...yes I think there are many instances that a WS loves their AP but love doesn't pay the bills or make issues go away. You get a BS that starts with the kids, money & multiple other threats, well of course it's just easier to stay & to leave AP bc it's the easier of the two.

 

As both a WS & BS...I cared for my OM till this day but I had a obligation to try & fix my marital issues after bc it was the "right" thing to do. Never took away how I felt for OM even though I had to leave him behind. In the "whole picture" I had more to lose, which believe or not in itself is also sometimes selfish, some stay bc it's easier than a big fight & or losing everything they ever worked for up to that point in life.

 

There are exceptions to every rule, so I'm speaking generally. When someone gets caught, in the first stage, they're dealing with a emotional BS & usually will say anything to justify them...so of course the first thing they're going to say in a panic "I don't love AP"...but I learned it doesn't matter at the end of the day, bc wether or not there was real love, it couldn't work out & that thought process will drive someone crazy for a long time if one allows it.

[Whoknew30]

How do you know this is not a lie? With all due respect, xmm told his BS the same exact thing in MC to mislead her. Come on. I respect my husband because he is honest, he said he loved OW because he felt it.

 

Bc that's what she wants to believe...that's how a lot of BS stay, they listen to the their WS (that's a known liar) & all of sudden they believe everything bad they're saying about the AP bc how can they stay if they thought their spouse really loved someone else. That's their defense mechanism...I also think it's ironic how they'll get defensive & say "well my WS told me".,.like they completely forgot their WS lied to them for how long.

 

I'll say about my WH, I have no idea if he cared for ex OW & I'll never know the truth. We got through it & he left her behind too but it doesn't matter to me if he really loves her or not bc my self esteem isn't attached to that. It was "let's try & work it out" neither him or I focused on the actual "love part" once we decided to reconcile bc that part just didn't matter.

[Chica80]

How do you know this is not a lie? With all due respect, xmm told his BS the same exact thing in MC to mislead her. Come on. I respect my husband because he is honest, he said he loved OW because he felt it.

 

MB you are such a momma bear sometimes (((((hugs))))).

I can see you always want to see the good in people.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB you are such a momma bear sometimes (((((hugs))))).

I can see you always want to see the good in people.

 

Awe, thanks.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

There are exceptions to every rule, so I'm speaking generally. When someone gets caught, in the first stage, they're dealing with a emotional BS & usually will say anything to justify them...so of course the first thing they're going to say in a panic "I don't love AP"...but I learned it doesn't matter at the end of the day, bc wether or not there was real love, it couldn't work out & that thought process will drive someone crazy for a long time if one allows it.

 

I agree. In a way while it hurts more to be the one dropped and thrown under the bus, there is a certain formality to it. Eventually you just move on because you have no choice. I don't sit and think about what if. But xmm said a few months ago that he does think about what if he had "taken the other door". That kind of thought process can ruin your life. In that way I am better off.

[Lillyp32]

How do you know this is not a lie? With all due respect, xmm told his BS the same exact thing in MC to mislead her. Come on. I respect my husband because he is honest, he said he loved OW because he felt it.

 

I agree with you on this one. My husband was honest about his feelings for his last OW. Yes, he loved her. And yes, he contemplated leaving me for her. Hell, I wished them well on my dday but he stayed. I think it had to do with our history and the love he still had for me that made him walk away from OW even though he did love her.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Lillyp32

[aileD]

Angel knows very little about the BS and has never blamed her or posted anything, so I am not sure where you are getting this all from.

 

 

Sorry if I misunderstood, thought she meant BS in general. Don't know her story was just reacting to that particular post. Apologies if I read more into it than she intended

[Arieswoman]

Confusing,

You ask;

 

So, do they (MMs) actually love us ?

 

That's an impossible question to answer as "love" is all things to all people.

 

As a BS IMO it's not so much that they "love" the AP, they love how he/she makes them feel.

 

On DD I told my WS that he had to stop his affair there and then. He response was that he didn't want it to end "because he loved her".

 

So he got the divorce papers the next week whereupon he flew into a rage and tore them up saying "I won't let you divorce me !!!" and stormed out of the house. So I rang the solicitors and asked them to send a duplicate set

 

Affairs are often not about "love", they are about control, entitlement and cake-eating.

 

Let's face it, if you really loved and wanted someone, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to be with them?