So, do they (MMs) actually love us ?

[Arieswoman]

Just seen this post by QuietStorm on another thread, which I think nails it;

 

Their love for OW is often genuine, but just not important enough to change his life.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just seen this post by QuietStorm on another thread, which I think nails it;

 

 

 

 

I think this is probable. MM told me he wasn't going to change his life for me, he doesn't like change, he didn't want to rock the boat (these were three separate conversations).

[ChickiePops]

How do you know this is not a lie? With all due respect, xmm told his BS the same exact thing in MC to mislead her. Come on. I respect my husband because he is honest, he said he loved OW because he felt it.

 

Yup, the same way the MM could easily be lying to the OW about loving her because he knows it's what she wants to hear.

 

There's no way to confirm which one he's lying to but the answer is most likely both.

[imperfectangel]

Yup, the same way the MM could easily be lying to the OW about loving her because he knows it's what she wants to hear.

 

There's no way to confirm which one he's lying to but the answer is most likely both.

 

I think esp in cases where there are multiple ow you could argue he clearly doesn't love his w -more that he doesn't want to lose his house, money/pension, time with his kids etc. Personally I wouldn't want to stay with someone that stays with me over logic or for material things

[Forever broken]

 

Let's face it, if you really loved and wanted someone, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to be with them?

 

 

 

You are absolutely right. That's what I believe too.

[ChickiePops]

I think esp in cases where there are multiple ow you could argue he clearly doesn't love his w -more that he doesn't want to lose his house, money/pension, time with his kids etc. Personally I wouldn't want to stay with someone that stays with me over logic or for material things

 

Regardless of what you can argue, we will never know for sure.

 

And if he has multiple OW why would you think he loves them and not his wife? He's lying to and cheating on them too. As I said, the most likely scenario is that he's lying to everyone.

[Poppy47]

Regardless of what you can argue, we will never know for sure.

 

And if he has multiple OW why would you think he loves them and not his wife? He's lying to and cheating on them too. As I said, the most likely scenario is that he's lying to everyone.

 

Sadly, lying mostly to himself.

 

Poppy

[ChickiePops]

Sadly, lying mostly to himself.

 

Poppy

 

Not really..

 

A guy with multiple OW doesn't have to lie to himself. Those are the ones that believe they deserve all these women fawning over them and that they're just taking the giant slice of cake that life owes them.

 

The ones who lie to themselves are the ones who treat affairs like real relationships. They lie to themselves about leaving their marriages, they lie to themselves about being able to sustain the affair and keep the OW on the hook forever..etc. At least the other kind knows what he's doing..this one pretends it's real..and worse, he convinces the OW that it's real too.

[Midwestmissy]

They also lie about how miserable their lives and marriages truly are. It's how they (not all, but my wh did) justify getting the pity sex, attention, etc. He told a lot of people not nice things about me and got sympathy. He sat at home, with a wife and 3 kids trying to get his attention, letting meals get cold, missing so much, texting the mow about his crappy life. He was actually making my life hell, but I didn't have an affair, I had to be 2 parents at once. He projected everything on me and made me culpable. When I tried to fix my culpability, it didn't help, he just moved the goal posts and complained to his non judgemental also-cheating mow. It wasn't crappy, or he would have done something about it, like leave. When it all went down, his 'crappy' marriage was exactly what he wanted. I opened the door and said please go, I don't run a prison for unfulfilled husbands. His also wasn't a love affair it was a 5/6 month distraction from facing his horrible privileged upper class white man problems. Boo hoo. I don't think I could recover the same from a love affair, it would have gutted me. I doubt he knows what colour her eyes are, he only saw a weird version himself during that time. He was so stressed out that he was constantly trying to distract himself more, and just dug a bigger hole of hell. They were basically 2 effed up people effing.

 

He didn't ask for sweeping changes in our marriage, he realized the problems and therefore the changes came from within him. He views his life very differently now, and sees that authenticity is a more peaceful way to exist. I have learned that being manipulated and the scapegoat no longer can be part of my relationships. It's a work in progress.

[Southern Sun]

At the end of the day, isn't it the true DEFINITION of an affair that tells whether it's true love or not?

 

I don't want to EXCHANGE what I have for another. What I want is MORE. I want to KEEP this one...and ADD that one.

 

If it was real, deep, sincere love...you wouldn't be able to do that. Not for long, anyway. That true love you have for the other person would compel you to make A CHOICE. You simply wouldn't be able to keep them as "extra."

 

An affair is selfish. It's about wanting both. It might feel like love but there's an awful lot of delusion going on to prop that up.

[Whoknew30]

At the end of the day, isn't it the true DEFINITION of an affair that tells whether it's true love or not?

 

I don't want to EXCHANGE what I have for another. What I want is MORE. I want to KEEP this one...and ADD that one.

 

If it was real, deep, sincere love...you wouldn't be able to do that. Not for long, anyway. That true love you have for the other person would compel you to make A CHOICE. You simply wouldn't be able to keep them as "extra."

 

An affair is selfish. It's about wanting both. It might feel like love but there's an awful lot of delusion going on to prop that up.

 

 

Love isnt always the the final say for someone to "choose"a person...selfish people tend to pick the better situation for themselves vs the person...I think bs & AP forget that...someone selfish will pick the situation that bests suits them, it's not the" love" aspect alone...that's why not one should get caught up with that part of it...that part doesn't matter.

[Southern Sun]

Love isnt always the the final say for someone to "choose"a person...selfish people tend to pick the better situation for themselves vs the person...I think bs & AP forget that...someone selfish will pick the situation that bests suits them, it's not the" love" aspect alone...that's why not one should get caught up with that part of it...that part doesn't matter.

 

That's kind of my point...do you really want the "love" of a selfish person? Who doesn't think they are required to choose?

[Cloudcuckoo]

For goodness sake, all the bitching and whining in the world about who means more (which is what this question is really about) doesn't change the reality.

 

The married man is the one who's still laughing at the two (or more...) of us (his wife and his other woman) while he gets his jollies. That's got sod all to do with loving anyone but himself. Doesn't matter what he 'says', right there and then he's so full of his own Rose scented farts he believes he's Patch Adams and he can save the world, the dizzy wasock!

 

I used to torture myself at first after dday wondering if he loved his concubine more. He didn't really love EITHER of us back then. We were BOTH subjected to his vile, selfish behaviour, and little more than toys for his amusement.

 

Honestly, my husband really was taken over by an alien back then. If he'd been the man he'd become during his affair when I first met him, I might have seriously planted a cactus up his jacksy and taken a run up with a baseball bat before telling him to f*** off...