How are we different than MM?

[Chica80]

Great idea for a thread (((sunshine)))). How are you by the way?

 

I think that anyone going into a secret relationship with someone else knowing that one or both partners is already in a relationship is, by default, a 'bad guy', regardless of the state of one's own relationship or perceived state of the other party's relationship or marriage.

 

I think that one of the key differences between men and women in an affair is that the MM typically wants just that - an affair..... Fun, love, cuddles, sex, laughs, escapism. He also wants to keep the stability and status of his home life. I think, at least at first, the idea of actually leaving his wife didn't even enter his head - it didn't enter mine, i was too busy just having fun and leading a double life.

 

One point that I want to make on this is that I didn't think I was deceiving the OW at all in this. I have learned a lot about the differences between men and women on LS. Before that, I simply assumed that she wanted the same...... Fun and escapism from the mundane norms life while at the same time keeping her primary R. Indeed at first, I think she genuinely did want this and she went to great lengths to cover up what we were doing. But I think women find it harder than men to compartmentalise..... And without my realising it at the time, she soon wanted more.

 

That's not to say MM don't fall in love too and start to imagine a future with the OW - I certainly did. I thought she was amazing. If we'd both been single I've no doubt we would have built a future. But this process happens more slowly in men, and a part of me, despite these intense feelings, kept grounded in the reality that however amazing this woman was, I was not leaving - unless I was forced out. I made a decision, probably at a subconscious level, that I could fall as hard as i wanted and enjoy the love and sheer pleasure...... But that it would remain a fantasy. Almost like a living dream.... But that ultimately it would always be trumped by 'reality' when the day came..... And the day always does eventually come. Having said that, I got so deep in the fog that I did genuinely consider ending the marriage at one point.

 

I also think that post d-day men can be more cowardly and also more coldly logical than women. They get scared and they fall back on logic. They don't dare make that leap, even if they are in love, and they resort head versus heart mentality and follow what they 'should' do. Often with women, the heart wins. When a woman is truly in love she would do almost anything, regardless of logic or consequences or what everyone is telling her she should do.

 

A furious heartbroken BS can also change a MM almost instantly on d-day. It happened to me and we read about it a lot. Realisation hits you hard and you realise that the woman you made vows to still loves you and you've just turned her life upside down. I went into disclosure having no clue what the result would be...... But when I saw her collapse physically in pain, I knew immediately that, if she didn't throw me out, I would be staying.

 

There is also a sense of the MM as a 'little boy' who must do what he's told. When the bs takes charge and let's him have the full force of her fury, it can almost be a little bit like a mother-son dynamic for a little while - 'i can't leave because says I can't leave'. 'i must stop talking to you you because she says I must stop talking to you'. 'i must do my homework because she says I must do my homework'. You get the idea!

 

 

Hi Jenks

 

Well depending on the day, is the answer to how I am.

 

So disclaimer for those who don't know my story: No DDAY, and am still in "it" 20+ months now.

 

Reading LS has helped me so very much. To understand things. I feel in one sense I am getting stronger I am learning about myself. I keep telling myself I will get out. I will when I am ready. But I am here because I want to be that is the truth. I chose to have an A. I'm not a victim. I could have made many different choices done things many different ways. But I chose not to. I chose this road. Why did I do that....well those are things I'm working on in IC.

 

I don't think A are always the same. Good people have affairs, bad people have affairs and some have love some don't. The one thing that is true though is healthy people don't have affairs. It is never about the BS (except for maybe RA and where there is abuse) it is about the internal struggles of the person having the A. Whether bad coping skills, pure selfishness or internal wounds that were never healed.

 

I see there are two different (possibly more) type of MM. We have seen it on this board. Your post and Blues post.

 

The thing is most MM I believe are like Blue....but we want to believe they are like you. And everyone of course wants to be like the posters we did see who end up together. We all start out thinking that is us. We are going to be those I know how you always advocate you hurt too. You loved too. But you are the minority....

 

I am right now at a point where I can see things from my point, from his point. And I wonder if I am just getting in deeper. If all these things I've learned have only taught me how to hide better. I will give you an example. He MM at times has been careless. Bites scratch marks. (the times there has been physical). I tell him to clean up. Shower off you can't leave smelling like me. And I realize I do this because I don't want him to get caught. Why because that would not serve my purposes. That would not benefit me for him to get found out.....

 

 

 

I'm sure that will make many people mad. I'm not saying it to brag or be hurtful. It's just that I see that I can't sit here and complain oh he is so selfish, he is only using me I don't mean anything to him, if I am getting something out of it.

 

A are all ****ed situations. They are always a bad coping mechanism in one way or another. Another poster posted how I am going from one dysfunctional relationship to another. And I agree this is not healthy. It is dysfunctional by its very essence. But would it make sense to say that it is the most healthiest dysfunctional relationship I've had?

That is why I continue. That is why I will get out because internally things I didn't know before I know now. About myself. So for now that is where I am.

[Chica80]

So back to my original question. How are we different than MM?

 

Not saying this to be hurtful, or judgmental please know that is not where I am coming from. But especially MOW, I know because I was one when this started.

To say he is a cake eater, he threw me under the bus I didn't expect this. You can say that but you are still where you want to be are you not? You are still married too are you not? You didn't leave. So why all the blame on MM. Why not look at ourselves focus on ourselves, internally why am I here. Why did I do this?

Who cares about his reasons. What does it mean to you?

I believe that is what will help heal....

[SammySammy]

Affairs are rooted in selfishness and greed.

 

The MW is still caught up in her "love" for me and the desire for a real relationship, but I had no such disillusions. I simply wanted the best sexual experiences possible. Nothing more.

 

Though she clouds her mind with thoughts of "love" and hopes for a relationship with a "soul mate", she was really just being selfish too. Having the best of both worlds - stability at home and excitement on the side.

[Lillyp32]

So back to my original question. How are we different than MM?

 

Not saying this to be hurtful, or judgmental please know that is not where I am coming from. But especially MOW, I know because I was one when this started.

To say he is a cake eater, he threw me under the bus I didn't expect this. You can say that but you are still where you want to be are you not? You are still married too are you not? You didn't leave. So why all the blame on MM. Why not look at ourselves focus on ourselves, internally why am I here. Why did I do this?

Who cares about his reasons. What does it mean to you?

I believe that is what will help heal....

 

It's funny you bring this question up. I asked the same question in one of my other threads. If it's assumed that exMM was using me for almost 3 years, then wasn't I using him as well? It only seems logical right?

 

I guess in a way I was using him to fill an emotional void. I did however, fall in love with him. I still do love him. With that said, I never planned on leaving my H for him. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. I'm not sure I was ever really future faked. He did say things about getting caught so we wouldn't have to hide anymore and that he sometimes imagined what it would be like for us to be together in a real R. Things along those lines. I think he did sort of daydream about those things but knew that given our situation outside of the A, it wasn't logical. I made that clear to him also. He always said he was the dreamer and I was the realistic one bringing him back to reality lol. As dishonest as an A can be, I believe that we were pretty honest with each other during the A. Sounds strange but it's true.

 

I don't know if exMM meant the things he said to me or not. I don't know if he was just saying things to keep me around like other posters suggest all MM do. A part of me feels like after so many years in an A, that he did mean them. We both just knew that it would end one day. We had talked about this a lot too. So when dday happened, it ended. He is where he wants to be and where he needs to be. I am too. I'm alone and have walked away from two dysfunctional relationships. It hasn't been easy in the slightest but I know it's best for everyone involved.

 

I kinda rambled on there didn't I? I guess my point is, that in my situation we had to have been using each other on some level. I am no different than he is. I can't blame him for the A and he can't blame me. We went into it with our eyes wide open. We both knew what we were doing and engaged in selfish behavior that hurt a lot of people. Neither one of us had expectations of a future together even though I know we both often wondered what it would be like.

 

I do empathize with those that get future faked to death by their AP's. I can see where the anger comes from when they are left behind and the AP stays in the M. That anger is really a manifestation of their pain. It's easier to be angry than it is to be hurt.

 

But I do agree with you Sunshine, placing the on the AP isn't the answer to healing even though I understand why that happens. Looking inward and answering those questions you posted above is the only way to move forward and ensure that we won't put ourselves in such a dysfunctional situation again.

[Chica80]

 

Though she clouds her mind with thoughts of "love" and hopes for a relationship with a "soul mate", she was really just being selfish too. Having the best of both worlds - stability at home and excitement on the side.

 

Yes this is my point.. The man gets sex, love excitement on the side. (I'm not saying its all about sex for a man) the stability of his life at home.

 

The MOW gets the stability and foundation at home as well. She says it is love. That she is in this for love, but really you are getting emotional fulfillment validation and yes sex for some as well.

 

We sit here and reason it , well I love him. I would leave to be with him....but do we? Do we leave without that back up plan?

 

So why so quick to blame AP when we are doing the exact same thing. Be it sex, emotional validation or love....it is still obtaining it outside of the marriage not in it.

[Chica80]

It's funny you bring this question up. I asked the same question in one of my other threads. If it's assumed that exMM was using me for almost 3 years, then wasn't I using him as well? It only seems logical right?

 

I guess in a way I was using him to fill an emotional void. I did however, fall in love with him. I still do love him. With that said, I never planned on leaving my H for him. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. I'm not sure I was ever really future faked. He did say things about getting caught so we wouldn't have to hide anymore and that he sometimes imagined what it would be like for us to be together in a real R. Things along those lines. I think he did sort of daydream about those things but knew that given our situation outside of the A, it wasn't logical. I made that clear to him also. He always said he was the dreamer and I was the realistic one bringing him back to reality lol. As dishonest as an A can be, I believe that we were pretty honest with each other during the A. Sounds strange but it's true.

 

I don't know if exMM meant the things he said to me or not. I don't know if he was just saying things to keep me around like other posters suggest all MM do. A part of me feels like after so many years in an A, that he did mean them. We both just knew that it would end one day. We had talked about this a lot too. So when dday happened, it ended. He is where he wants to be and where he needs to be. I am too. I'm alone and have walked away from two dysfunctional relationships. It hasn't been easy in the slightest but I know it's best for everyone involved.

 

I kinda rambled on there didn't I? I guess my point is, that in my situation we had to have been using each other on some level. I am no different than he is. I can't blame him for the A and he can't blame me. We went into it with our eyes wide open. We both knew what we were doing and engaged in selfish behavior that hurt a lot of people. Neither one of us had expectations of a future together even though I know we both often wondered what it would be like.

 

I do empathize with those that get future faked to death by their AP's. I can see where the anger comes from when they are left behind and the AP stays in the M. That anger is really a manifestation of their pain. It's easier to be angry than it is to be hurt.

 

But I do agree with you Sunshine, placing the on the AP isn't the answer to healing even though I understand why that happens. Looking inward and answering those questions you posted above is the only way to move forward and ensure that we won't put ourselves in such a dysfunctional situation again.

 

:laugh: Ya that is where I got the idea? I didn't know where I had read it.

 

I agree he used me but I use him too.

 

No future fake either. I agree I have been the most honest and open with him than any other relationship. I believe he with me. I believe he does love me as much as you can in an A. But I believe this because of his actions how he has behaved in certain circumstances. Not his words.

But I also believe you can "love" more than one person. This doesn't mean that I agree with A. Or don't think he is selfish and cowardly. Just that it doesn't encompass all of him, all of who he is.

[MidnightBlue1980]

"There is also a sense of the MM as a 'little boy' who must do what he's told. When the bs takes charge and let's him have the full force of her fury, it can almost be a little bit like a mother-son dynamic for a little while - 'i can't leave because says I can't leave'. 'i must stop talking to you you because she says I must stop talking to you'. 'i must do my homework because she says I must do my homework'. You get the idea!"

 

This is a tough one. It nearly killed our reconciliation. It played further into the mid life dynamic of the naughty teenager sneaking around behind Mummy's back with someone far younger and made me the authoritarian parent when he was already besotted by the joys of a young and seemingly carefree new partner. It makes the bs seems such a miserable old killjoy!

 

This is what xmm said - "I'm being monitored by her." "I am not allowed to talk to you." and then 5 months later, "Ok, I can talk to you now, she feels more secure and is not monitoring me anymore."

 

It's taken me almost a year to realize, why would I want someone like that? How could I ever trust him?

[SammySammy]

Yes this is my point.. The man gets sex, love excitement on the side. (I'm not saying its all about sex for a man) the stability of his life at home.

 

The MOW gets the stability and foundation at home as well. She says it is love. That she is in this for love, but really you are getting emotional fulfillment validation and yes sex for some as well.

 

We sit here and reason it , well I love him. I would leave to be with him....but do we? Do we leave without that back up plan?

 

So why so quick to blame AP when we are doing the exact same thing. Be it sex, emotional validation or love....it is still obtaining it outside of the marriage not in it.

 

I don't blame anyone. I might blame myself for going back after I found out she was married, but that's as far as the blaming and rationalizing goes. It is what it is. It happened. It's over now.

 

Some of us might get into blaming, rationalizing, and justifying, but that's selfishness too.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So I've been thinking a lot lately....

We constantly here on LS complain about MM how they only want OW for sex. How MM will throw OW under the bus. They lie they future fake they are cake eaters.....on and on.

 

But really are we different? (I'm using MM because I am OW)

 

When I started A I was married.

I can sit here and say oh he tricked me he just wanted me for sex....he used me.

 

But ultimately wasn't I using him as well? I was getting/ do get something out of it. Maybe sex wasn't my motivation but nevertheless I got something from him too.

 

So many times I read how he oh he's just a liar, selfish he never cared about me or loved me. But wait were you thinking that when you were in the middle of the A? So essentially aren't we also "throwing MM under the bus" albeit emotionally?

 

Just some thoughts....

 

I didn't use xMM or throw him under the bus. He used me but I loved him.

 

But I was pretty bad to my H, the man I did make my own vows to and broke. Just because I was in the fog of love doesn't make me much better than xmm from that angle. H didn't deserve it all.

[Chica80]

I didn't use xMM or throw him under the bus. He used me but I loved him.

 

But I was pretty bad to my H, the man I did make my own vows to and broke. Just because I was in the fog of love doesn't make me much better than xmm from that angle. H didn't deserve it all.

 

MB I know your story. And I believe the MM you had a A with was an extra special kind of narcissistic hurtful kind. He told you words of love when really he doesn't love anyone. Including his wife.

It's especially traumatic what he has done to you since. And continues to do to hurt you.

What I was trying to share is to heal we need to look inside ourselves. What brought you into the A? And back to it? That is what I mean by "use" because there is something you yourself got out of it. Negative or positive. And for everyone that is different. But I think we "use" eachother. That was my point.

[DKT3]

I think it comes down to intent.

Take the typical MM on a typical LS thread. Happy to be cake eating, never meant to leave his wife, looking for an adrenaline rush on the side,as long as it doesnt rock his boat, happy with the situation,feels he has the best of both worlds. Enters the affair with the intention of having some extramarital thrill while keeping his family life in tact.

Typical OW, single or married, falls in love. Many times enters the affair thinking she accidentally found the love of her life. Is in turmoil, upset, confused and looking for a full time realtionship. Oftem MOW are willing to disrupt their marriages for the sake of the AP. Very few OW intend on having a long term affair,even if some do.

I suspect many,if not most, of the typical MM that are discussed on threads here are repeat offenders. I think very few M/OW carry out multiple affairs.

It does not apply to everyone,naturally, but bottom line is the mm want affairs while the ow want relatinships.

 

Statistics don't support this theory, mostly its simply pillow talk. Roughly 17% of MOW leave the marriage for AP roughly 3/4 of that attempt to return to the marriage within a year. Less then 9% of MM leave to be with AP. It simply very rarely happens. I think to AP it's not REALLY future faking in the moment, when they are physically together. It's when apart and the totality of the situation is in view that they waffle, and ultimately decided to not leave. I think that both AP's understand that the future is unrealistic. It's the reason for the holding pattern by MOW, so if the marriage is so bad, and so unwanted then MM leaving or staying shouldn't impact the mw decision to leave.

 

I see a huge difference in OW and MOW, MOW are every bit as bad as MM. In some cases worse. MM mostly have no intention on uprooting the family, while MW are honestly only thinking of themselves, not their children or MM children. Many use flawed logic and believe that because it's better for them that it's better for everyone involved. So if we were checking boxes MOW would come out ahead on the "oh that's ***ked up meter".

[Midlifecrisis1]

Dkt3 has a valid point. I don't have anything negative to say about my xMM because I am a MOW. I had no intention of leaving my situation. In hindsight, I was a cake eater, although ap and I did future fake and were all consumed with each other and professing love all the time. When he finally made the decision that he couldn't take the stress and anxiety anymore, suddenly I started thinking that I would leave my husband to be with him...but that's just wanting what I can't have...cake eating. I still think about xMM all the time and miss him and how he made me feel. I think I really loved him and I think he really loved me. But our families always have and always will come first. Our spouses are not bad people, our children are innocent, our lives are more than just passion and romance. It's sad to only have that in my memory now, but it's not just the MM who messes up.

[wmacbride]

Thank you I will have a look at that link

 

To be honest (once again the idealist/romantic speaking) I think it is wrong to be in a marriage for its economic/social benefits. That is not the reason why people should be married, it should be love, surely?

 

I would much rather stir the oatmeal with someone I loved, than someone who it was bearable to be with given economic and social benefits.

 

But yes I get you, What is love really? I thought I knew and I clearly didnt. So here I am on a new path of self-discovery, please bear with me when I seem to vent random and incoherent ideas

 

See this is the thing that someone who has never been married may find difficult to fathom.

If one expects love- the limernace kind- to last forever in marriage, they will likely be disappointed.

 

True and long lasting love takes a lifetime to cultivate.

A good analogy to love in marriage would be my orchids. They flower and are beautiful, but between the flowering, they need to be maintain and nurtured. i do this knowing they will flower again, over and over, so long as they are cared for.

Love in a marriage is like that. It never dies, and there are moments of extreme beauty and love. If it is nurtured and cared for, it can last a lifetime. If you ignore it just because it's not currently in flower, it will wither and die.

[Cyra]

See this is the thing that someone who has never been married may find difficult to fathom.

If one expects love- the limernace kind- to last forever in marriage, they will likely be disappointed.

 

True and long lasting love takes a lifetime to cultivate.

A good analogy to love in marriage would be my orchids. They flower and are beautiful, but between the flowering, they need to be maintain and nurtured. i do this knowing they will flower again, over and over, so long as they are cared for.

Love in a marriage is like that. It never dies, and there are moments of extreme beauty and love. If it is nurtured and cared for, it can last a lifetime. If you ignore it just because it's not currently in flower, it will wither and die.

 

Lovely post. I may not have been married but i get it, and i would like the kind of love. I know its not always going to be super exciting and i would love to share the ordinary things also.

but many dont cultivate it and it dies and thats the point i think they should go their separate ways. Rather than staying together for the sake of other factors, eg. Kids, money, image.

[Chica80]

See this is the thing that someone who has never been married may find difficult to fathom.

If one expects love- the limernace kind- to last forever in marriage, they will likely be disappointed.

 

True and long lasting love takes a lifetime to cultivate.

A good analogy to love in marriage would be my orchids. They flower and are beautiful, but between the flowering, they need to be maintain and nurtured. i do this knowing they will flower again, over and over, so long as they are cared for.

Love in a marriage is like that. It never dies, and there are moments of extreme beauty and love. If it is nurtured and cared for, it can last a lifetime. If you ignore it just because it's not currently in flower, it will wither and die.

 

 

Here is the thing some BS don't want to accept. Sometimes it is love, not always not the majority. But sometimes it is.

 

You talk about nurturing, maintaining....this occurs in A as well, there is nurturing there is maintaining. Where you water that is where love will grow.

 

I can only speak from my experience and no one else's.

We take care of eachother, emotionally, sexually, physically.

 

He supports me what I want. My goals my dreams. Moments when I have been the lowest and needed support he was there. I know if I am having problems. He will show up. How do I know this because he has done it. Regardless of his home life or what is going on in his very busy life.

 

If I'm hurt if we have a disagreement, he doesn't blow me off and ignore what I have to say. We talk about it, we talk through it. There are things he has done in the past that have been hurtful. He does not do these anymore, because he knows it is hurtful to me. (If you knew my past you would see why this is important to me).

 

Yes it's painful to be on this side of things. But I'm not innocent. I've done things and said things to him that are equally painful.

 

 

Anyways...I've digressed a bit from original post.

[Quiet Storm]

You call it a fog, as if it was some sort of delusional thinking. Were you not having those thoughts because you loved the OW?

 

So did you just stay with your wife because she was upset and you did not want to hurt her feelings? It sounds to me like you sacrificed your chance of happiness with someone you loved for the sake of not upsetting your wife?

 

Forgive me if I am off base, it is just that this does not compute for me. Same happened with my xMM, although he persistently claimed even after DDay that he did not love his wife but was just doing it for the kids and pressure from other family. To me its cowardice, like he martyred himself because of what other people were saying, and so he would not look like a 'bad person'.

 

It doesn't compute because in your mind, love is the most important factor in happiness.

 

You are viewing MMs situation through the lens of your own personal beliefs.

 

Since love is everything to you, then it must be everything to him, right? That's a false assumption. If you can let go of that false assumption, MMs choices would make perfect sense.

 

The reality is, there are many paths to happiness. Most MM do not feel that leaving their family for OW is the path to happiness. OW will usually disagree because they are viewing things based on the false assumption that love is equally important to the MM.

 

While men enjoy love and connection, it is often just not the most important thing in their lives. When OW view the situation with that in mind, MMs choices should compute. Love is great, but not essential to MM. So why change their lives for it? Their family unit, their legacy (and sometimes even their reputation) are essential. Love is extra.

 

This doesn't mean they don't love the OW. It just means that they prioritize love differently.

 

It's easy to see why OWs often conclude that MMs are cowards and martyrs, when that conclusion is based on the false assumption that love is the most important thing. Let go of that assumption and the reality becomes clear. He's not "sacrificing his happiness" when love is #5 on his list of "Life's Most Important Things". He's simply acting in his own best interests.

 

If family, legacy and reputation are all more important to MM than love, then it's perfectly logical that he would not sacrifice the most important things in his life for love.

 

Their love for OW is often genuine, but just not important enough to change his life.

 

.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Quiet Storm

[Chica80]

It doesn't compute because in your mind, love is the most important factor in happiness.

 

You are viewing MMs situation through the lens of your own personal beliefs.

 

Since love is everything to you, then it must be everything to him, right? That's a false assumption. If you can let go of that false assumption, MMs choices would make perfect sense.

 

The reality is, there are many paths to happiness. Most MM do not feel that leaving their family for OW is the path to happiness. OW will usually disagree because they are viewing things based on the false assumption that love is equally important to the MM.

 

While men enjoy love and connection, it is often just not the most important thing in their lives. When OW view the situation with that in mind, MMs choices should compute. Love is great, but not essential to MM. So why change their lives for it? Their family unit, their legacy (and sometimes even their reputation) are essential. Love is extra.

 

This doesn't mean they don't love the OW. It just means that they prioritize love differently.

 

It's easy to see why OWs often conclude that MMs are cowards and martyrs, when that conclusion is based on the false assumption that love is the most important thing. Let go of that assumption and the reality becomes clear. He's not "sacrificing his happiness" when love is #5 on his list of "Life's Most Important Things". He's simply acting in his own best interests.

 

If family, legacy and reputation are all more important to MM than love, then it's perfectly logical that he would not sacrifice the most important things in his life for love.

 

Their love for OW is often genuine, love is just not important enough to change his life.

 

 

Quiet I've read this from you before....it was a very eye opening moment of clarity when reading this.

[aileD]

This is what xmm said - "I'm being monitored by her." "I am not allowed to talk to you." and then 5 months later, "Ok, I can talk to you now, she feels more secure and is not monitoring me anymore."

 

It's taken me almost a year to realize, why would I want someone like that? How could I ever trust him?

 

What a dick move!!!!

 

You do see how that makes him complete trash right? He is willing to build up someone's trust in him under the guise of reconciliation but with the ulterior motive being to continue to hurt hem without the fallout to HIM

 

Why would any OW ever want to have a long term relationship with someone like that? OW think they're special, well. BW was once special too.

 

Ugh. I can't believe he said that.

[Cyra]

Their family unit, their legacy (and sometimes even their reputation) are essential. Love is extra.

 

I get what you are saying but still I do not understand how someone could value those things more than love? Is it a man thing? Can someone explain it to me, I am truly perplexed but open to new insight.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Cyra

[MidnightBlue1980]

What a dick move!!!!

 

You do see how that makes him complete trash right? He is willing to build up someone's trust in him under the guise of reconciliation but with the ulterior motive being to continue to hurt hem without the fallout to HIM

 

Why would any OW ever want to have a long term relationship with someone like that? OW think they're special, well. BW was once special too.

 

Ugh. I can't believe he said that.

 

Yeah, it's worse. He purposely attended MC and finally had sex with her after years of withholding to give her a sense of security so he could contact me again without her "monitoring him". It's pretty twisted. It didn't work out the way he thought it would, it took me a while but I no longer speak to him or respond to emails. We are strangers.

 

He had been looking for a LTA for 5 years, I wasn't special at all. I am sure now that he tasted what it's like to be with someone else, he will be looking around again.

 

But still, I am very sorry I got involved with him and the whole sorry mess. If he bothers me, he knows I have the "I love you" texts from this summer to prove it was all false reconciliation. I've told him, leave me alone and I leave you alone.

 

He doesn't love me. He just wants a LTA with anyone. I watched him hit on the only other 2 women in the room for months till he realized no go.

 

Trust me, I am not special to him.

[aileD]

I get what you are saying but still I do not understand how someone could value those things more than love? Is it a man thing? Can someone explain it to me, I am truly perplexed but open to new insight.

 

Because sometimes the LOVE for your children or the LOVE of your legacy is worth the sacrifice of ROMANCE.

 

And most of the time, they can get that romantic love back with their spouse and still keep all the other things they love.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Because sometimes the LOVE for your children or the LOVE of your legacy is worth the sacrifice of ROMANCE.

 

My home is not a prison. I would not want my husband to stay with me and think that the love for his kids/money/house/society is worth the sacrifice of romance. That's horrible. I don't want to be the safe choice. This is my life too. I would hope he would be a man and ask for a divorce so I could go meet someone who wanted to be with me for me, not money/kids/etc. And if I found out he was here for those reasons, I'd divorce him.

[Cyra]

Because sometimes the LOVE for your children or the LOVE of your legacy is worth the sacrifice of ROMANCE.

 

And most of the time, they can get that romantic love back with their spouse and still keep all the other things they love.

 

I dont know, I cannot see how they can get the romantic love back when one of the parties cheated and this was disclosed. There would never be any trust again and there would be a lot of resentment, even if they decided to stay together and pretend to the outside that everything was ok. The damage was done and it could never be the same.

I dont have children so cannot comment on that, and not sure what you mean by legacy? Image, reputation, assets?

[Cyra]

My home is not a prison. I would not want my husband to stay with me and think that the love for his kids/money/house/society is worth the sacrifice of romance. That's horrible. I don't want to be the safe choice. This is my life too. I would hope he would be a man and ask for a divorce so I could go meet someone who wanted to be with me for me, not money/kids/etc. And if I found out he was here for those reasons, I'd divorce him.

 

^^^ What I was talking about. Agree unequivocally.

[DKT3]

My home is not a prison. I would not want my husband to stay with me and think that the love for his kids/money/house/society is worth the sacrifice of romance. That's horrible. I don't want to be the safe choice. This is my life too. I would hope he would be a man and ask for a divorce so I could go meet someone who wanted to be with me for me, not money/kids/etc. And if I found out he was here for those reasons, I'd divorce him.

 

But that's is exactly what the vast majority of the MW here are doing to they husbands, one stated her husband was passionless bad at sex and she isn't in love, but has no plans to leave...what's that about? Oh yeah, it's about hubby providing a very comfortable lifestyle she can't envision giving up.