imperfectangel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 What did I get out of it? Honestly?? The best orgasms I've ever had 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Back to the original question..... What "benefit" did you get or do you get out of being in an A? This can be a negative benefit or a positive benefit. As a OW/OM MM. Affairs by nature I believe can be a bad coping mechanism much like alcohol or drugs. A few years back I was in an intensive outpatient therapy program for depressive/mood disorders. In one of our group sessions the therapist asked someone in my group (who had gone through this program now a third time) What benefit do you get by being depressed? It sounds like a ridiculous question. Who wants to be depressed. But in essence there was something that kept bringing her back. Because there was some "benefits" to staying depressed and not getting healthier. So why did you stay? Come back? Or continue the A? Please only response to this topic and these questions..... I believe that is called "secondary gain." I fell in love (somehow gave myself permission to go there in the first place). Must have done something major for my ego. A man who I admired, respected, considered a mentor, said he HAD to have me. Couldn't be without me. Seemed obsessed with me. Ummm...sex. He generated in me a lot of fear of loss...so I constantly went back to him to soothe this pain. Even if he would end it, when he came back, I allowed it. A large part of our relationship was driven by my fear and pain. Will think more on this. In the very very beginning, I was still driven by my worry and fear of him to an extent. I never wanted to disappoint him. There was a long relationship there. I think I was a prime candidate, though I didn't know it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 What did I get out of it? Honestly?? The best orgasms I've ever had Hahaha...this would keep me coming back.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 I believe that is called "secondary gain." I fell in love (somehow gave myself permission to go there in the first place). Must have done something major for my ego. A man who I admired, respected, considered a mentor, said he HAD to have me. Couldn't be without me. Seemed obsessed with me. Ummm...sex. He generated in me a lot of fear of loss...so I constantly went back to him to soothe this pain. Even if he would end it, when he came back, I allowed it. A large part of our relationship was driven by my fear and pain. Will think more on this. In the very very beginning, I was still driven by my worry and fear of him to an extent. I never wanted to disappoint him. There was a long relationship there. I think I was a prime candidate, though I didn't know it. Yes I can very much relate to this. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I never thought I would have an affair and I never went looking for one..... But when it did happen what i really got out of it, I'm embarrassed to say, was mainly boosts to my ego.... She made me feel young and sexy and desirable. She told me I was handsome and a great lover - who wouldn't want to hear that!!!! She made me feel interesting and masculine. The whole thing was also a great adventure filled with amazing activities that we filled our days together with...... And amazing sex of course. We got to be each others' toys and indulged fantasies together. It was just like living a fantasy really! Like being in a dream but acknowledging that it is really happening. I almost can't believe it happened now. What did I get out of it? Honestly?? The best orgasms I've ever had Ah, I've suspected for some time that you may be my xOW IA...... This confirms it 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Back to the original question..... What "benefit" did you get or do you get out of being in an A? This can be a negative benefit or a positive benefit. As a OW/OM MM. Affairs by nature I believe can be a bad coping mechanism much like alcohol or drugs. A few years back I was in an intensive outpatient therapy program for depressive/mood disorders. In one of our group sessions the therapist asked someone in my group (who had gone through this program now a third time) What benefit do you get by being depressed? It sounds like a ridiculous question. Who wants to be depressed. But in essence there was something that kept bringing her back. Because there was some "benefits" to staying depressed and not getting healthier. So why did you stay? Come back? Or continue the A? Please only response to this topic and these questions..... To answer that, I would expect that someone would have to have undertaken a lot of introspection and self examination. That's not an easy thing to do, especially if a wound is raw. i've often wondered what an ow/om and ws would say about an affair in the immediate aftermath vs. several years down the road. Would it be different, or would the benefits be seen differently? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Back to the original question..... What "benefit" did you get or do you get out of being in an A? This can be a negative benefit or a positive benefit. As a OW/OM MM. Positive - It enhanced my sexuality and our sex life. I had hangups from my husband's porn obsession and felt inadequate in a lot of areas, so I stopped trying, sex dried up and our relationship was nonexistent. MM had never had a full bj so being able to do that made me feel more confident. It was a first for both of us and yes, we are in our 40s. I felt really powerful, something I did not feel at home. My H is aware of all this now and has given up porn and we have sex at least 5 times a week now plus "other stuff". As a result of a sex life, our marriage is a completely different marriage than it was before the affair. H is obviously not happy about it all but says that he wasn't paying attention and the A saved our marriage. Of course that is like saying cancer inspired me to get healthy but I see his point. Negative - obviously I lost a year of my life and didn't think I would ever recover from the heartache and pain and I am still living it to some extent. Flip side positive - while I am not a man, I would imagine the only thing worse than never having a blow job, is having one (two actually heh) and then going back to never having one again. That makes me a little happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hahaha...this would keep me coming back.... Luckily mm was pretty terrible and had no idea what he was doing. I can imagine if the sex was good that would be a problem and one would get hooked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Luckily mm was pretty terrible and had no idea what he was doing. I can imagine if the sex was good that would be a problem and one would get hooked. I know that you know it wasn't the actual sex lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Ah, I've suspected for some time that you may be my xOW IA...... This confirms it Hate to disappoint lol I would die if my mm joined LS. If I suddenly disappear you know why 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hate to disappoint lol I would die if my mm joined LS. If I suddenly disappear you know why I don't think mine knows what the internet is or how to use it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hate to disappoint lol I would die if my mm joined LS. If I suddenly disappear you know why I'm with you on that one IA. If my xOW turned up here, I think I'd disappear pretty quickly! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Sad but true. Women, will always be downtrodden and "love sick" if they keep on believing in MM. Until women realise this and get with the game, this forum is always going to be full of broken hearts You're so right Elaine. Spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm with you on that one IA. If my xOW turned up here, I think I'd disappear pretty quickly! Unless jenkins is your last name and you graduated in 1995, how on earth would she know it was you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Isn't it strange, I really think our mm/ow etc would get a shock if they saw what we wrote. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Isn't it strange, I really think our mm/ow etc would get a shock if they saw what we wrote. They wouldnt know it was you though. Unless your user name is a giveaway to him. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Unless jenkins is your last name and you graduated in 1995, how on earth would she know it was you? If she read my posts, I think she'd have a pretty good idea! Anyway guys, when you've shared something so close and personal and intense, guy that close to a person, don't you think you'd 'feel' each others'presence on here? I think I would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 They wouldnt know it was you though. Unless your user name is a giveaway to him. He'd know it was me from details given Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 MM would never post on a forum. If he read my post he would know it was me by the details. By my pic. Also I told him I go on a forum that discusses these things....etc not which one. But that's I read and post. Etc Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 If she read my posts, I think she'd have a pretty good idea! Anyway guys, when you've shared something so close and personal and intense, guy that close to a person, don't you think you'd 'feel' each others'presence on here? I think I would. He would never recognize me because he thinks all his problems are someone else's fault. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 this again illustrates a key difference between a MM and an OW in an affair. Just as you crave for normality, he probably wants to keep it in the heart-stopping, all consuming crazy fantasy love stage. After all, if he wanted normal, he presumably wouldn't have strayed from his marriage. Interestingly, it was the exact opposite for my fMM (nowH). During their previous split, he got a taste for "normal" and realised just how bad the M was. The A was his was of trying for "normal" since he didn't have that in his M. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Interestingly, it was the exact opposite for my fMM (nowH). During their previous split, he got a taste for "normal" and realised just how bad the M was. The A was his was of trying for "normal" since he didn't have that in his M. Yes, different MMs with different issues I guess. Most are looking for adventure from their dull (but generally OK) marriages, but it seems like yours was genuinely trying (and succeeding) to get out of a bad marriage. I wish you both well! Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 i've often wondered what an ow/om and ws would say about an affair in the immediate aftermath vs. several years down the road. Would it be different, or would the benefits be seen differently? Luckily we're here to answer that for you In the immediate aftermath, reading back on what I wrote at the time: It was passionate, consuming, heady - being in love for the first time, really connecting very deeply with someone with whom I could be completely myself, challenged and engaged intellectually, emotionally, sensually, holistically... Now: It's still passionate and consuming, but it's also deepened with time. As we've interwoven our lives more over time, made ore memories together, developed even closer relationships with each other's families, colleagues, friends, to the extent that it seems as though we've been together forever, while still seeming incredibly fresh and new, learning new things about each other daily, appreciating each other more and more. It just gets better and better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I dont know, I cannot see how they can get the romantic love back when one of the parties cheated and this was disclosed. There would never be any trust again and there would be a lot of resentment, even if they decided to stay together and pretend to the outside that everything was ok. The damage was done and it could never be the same. With God, all things are possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
buglet78 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I think the big "benefit" I got out of my A was the reinforcement that an A is not for me (I had always suspected as much, but in the beginning of my A, I got swept up in the forbidden fruit aspect, and in the very beginning, I liked the idea of being able to have more than ample downtime yet also be in a "relationship"). I just ran into trouble when I started experiencing deeper and deeper feelings for my xMM, and began craving a real relationship (how much of that was the forbidden fruit talking, I will never know, but I do know that I was intensely craving a genuine, forever relationship with him). I deserve to be someone's legitimate "one and only". I just need to heal from this first. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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