shruti789 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 if you were ever involved in an emotional affair in any way (affair partner/betrayed spouse) what happened when the spouse of the married affair partner discovered the emotional affair? (short term and long term both-did it start again after some time/did it made your marriage stronger etc) did the spouse who got his/her affair discovered by their spouse cut all contact with the affair partner? If you are the spouse who had an emotional affair, what did you feel after your spouse found out the emotional affair? did you cut off all contact willingly without any feelings of loss/consideration for the feelings of the affair partner? I have read that the cheating spouse almost always cut contact with the affair partner and go cold once the emotional affair is discovered. Just wanted to read what everybody experienced because i went through something similar recently. and if you were not involved in any way but talk from observing others, i would love to read your replies too. Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 May I ask what role you are in your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 I had a physical affair, he left his wife and once he decided to go back to her, he cut off all contact to appease her and convince her it was over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 (edited) I had a physical affair, he left his wife and once he decided to go back to her, he cut off all contact to appease her and convince her it was over. You are fooling yourself. You still believe he will leave her for you and do not want to accept you had a purpose for him or he would be with you. OP, in answer to your question, every situation is different. There is no set answer. The WS cuts off the emotional affair for a few reasons (1) they want to stay married (2) the BS refuses to rugsweep it and sets non negotiable boundaries. Many times that take a lot of turmoil before a true course of action occurs. There are EA's that go on for years, cause divorce, and there are those that are dealt with promptly and successfully. In most of the books on infidelity, you will read that women have a more difficult time detaching from any kind of affair and that is why when women cheat the reconciliation rate is lower and that comes from a book called 'Not Just Friends", which is pretty well regard as authoritative on the subject of infidelity Edited October 15, 2016 by Friskyone4u 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shruti789 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 May I ask what role you are in your situation? I had an emotional affair with a married man. i did not know at the time that it was classified as an emotional affair. i learned a lot from this forum. his wife found out and he totally dropped me from his life. after reading some threads i have understood that that is the most common thing which happens when the wife finds out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author shruti789 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 Has anyone else gone through this? it's like i didn't matter at all. no contact at all. i keep wondering if he ever cared... Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Go to the "did he ever really love me" post... you'll find answers there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Long story short, he likely did care about you but not enough to leave his marriage. You're better off moving on to someone single 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SnowBaby Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) My husband had an emotional affair with someone that he knew from Highschool. When I found out I was angry. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, then he would have to stop all contact. In my anger I wrote her a scathing letter from his account. I of course showed it to him and asked him if he had an issue with it. He didn't and so I sent it. I am not saying it was right, but I was hurt and angry by his betrayal. We have since gone to counseling in which we put up strong boundaries. I told him that I no longer wanted him to have any opposite sex friends because I no longer had any trust for him. I will say that our marriage is stronger and better then it was before. He now focuses his attention and time only on me. I can imagine that your ex ea partner is catering to his wife right now. You should be happy that it ended now before it became physical, because I can imagine that the breakup would have been even harder. Edited October 16, 2016 by SnowBaby Errors 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I can't speak for anyone else,but from what I can tell, to a ws, an EA may not even be seen as an A, until it reaches a certain point or certain words are said. I do think that, on some level, they know it's wrong,but they counter this by putting their spouse, family life, home, etc. into box "a" , and their ap into box "b", and " never the twain shall meet"...at least in their mind. They don't see how the ea is hurting everyone/everything, so they assume that it's not. When they do bleed into one another,and the A is discovered, it suddenly hits them how much the A hurt their bs/rest of their life, and the scale often tips in their favor. I also th', etc., think there a myth that a bs will beg and plead with the ws to stay, 'pick me", keep them so locked down they can't possibly leave for the ow/om, when that is often not the case. many times, the bs actually tell the ws to go, and it's the other way around. The ws is the one doing the pleading. After all, they ws has a perfect excuse to leave, yet they don't. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I found out. He ended it. He didn't insult my intelligence by pretending it was nothing. He told me he loved her. But he loved me more. It's been 4 years and it's been painful and hard but in the end the affair acted like a colonic irrigation Uncomfortable but beneficial in the long run. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shruti789 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 wow. so seems like when it's caught they do cut contact with the affair partner without thinking of their feelings.I am not saying it's wrong or right. I am just surprised... i thought my EA partner was conflict-avoiding, so he just cut contact as soon as it was discovered, but it seems like a lot of men are doing it. are they weak or do they suddenly realize "oh i love my wife and i will work on my marriage" ? Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 My husband said that he wanted the marriage, not her, the whole time but never thought he'd be caught, so didn't consider the fallout. She had been a distraction from the real caca that was going down, and when it hit, he got rid of the distraction. She had only caused him more problems - he doesn't blame her for the affair, the decisions he made to be with her made his life worse. He said her biggest attributes were she was easy, she'd have sex with him and he could be a selfish ass and her standards were so low she wasn't affected. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 wow. so seems like when it's caught they do cut contact with the affair partner without thinking of their feelings.I am not saying it's wrong or right. I am just surprised... i thought my EA partner was conflict-avoiding, so he just cut contact as soon as it was discovered, but it seems like a lot of men are doing it. are they weak or do they suddenly realize "oh i love my wife and i will work on my marriage" ? Who knows it could be anything! He loves his wife more He loves his finances more He loves the stability more He doesn't know what he wants He doesn't want to be the bad guy Whatever it is they do it because they are scared of something. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyp32 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Who knows it could be anything! He loves his wife more He loves his finances more He loves the stability more He doesn't know what he wants He doesn't want to be the bad guy Whatever it is they do it because they are scared of something. ^^^^^This^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 if you were ever involved in an emotional affair in any way (affair partner/betrayed spouse) what happened when the spouse of the married affair partner discovered the emotional affair? (short term and long term both-did it start again after some time/did it made your marriage stronger etc) did the spouse who got his/her affair discovered by their spouse cut all contact with the affair partner? If you are the spouse who had an emotional affair, what did you feel after your spouse found out the emotional affair? did you cut off all contact willingly without any feelings of loss/consideration for the feelings of the affair partner? I have read that the cheating spouse almost always cut contact with the affair partner and go cold once the emotional affair is discovered. Just wanted to read what everybody experienced because i went through something similar recently. and if you were not involved in any way but talk from observing others, i would love to read your replies too. Affair or not, after most relationships without children involved end, people cut contact because there is no point any longer. "it's just someone you used to know". Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Has anyone else gone through this? it's like i didn't matter at all. no contact at all. i keep wondering if he ever cared... if he did, he would say a goodbye and move on. All he cares is him not getting caught, u sulk u get ruined, he dosent give a damn. Indian men flip better than pancakes. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 if he did, he would say a goodbye and move on. All he cares is him not getting caught, u sulk u get ruined, he dosent give a damn. Indian men flip better than pancakes. I don't think race has anything to do with it..there are a-holes of every color... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scandipanda Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Have experienced this from a few different angles. Early in my relationship with now H, I discovered a PA. I had to make a choice. I chose to fight for the relationship. The condition was NC with AP. He had no problem with this and completely threw her under the bus. 10 years on and it was the best decision we made together. I wrote her an awful letter intended to make her back off. It worked. The few times she made contact he gave me his phone and I answered or texted her back. She thought we were evil. I dont blame her, but it was necessary to do what we had to do. 10 years on I started (without intention of course) an EA. I have no doubt what so ever if the BS found out the MM would cut me off equally harshly. Its the rules and the married couple come first every time. Ive recently got it under control and had great conversation and re-connection with H. He understands because of what he went through. Based on the experiences of all those who have gone before us you can expect that 99% of the time the EA partner will cut contact once discovered. Brace for heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 I don't think race has anything to do with it..there are a-holes of every color... I so agree. The irony. Link to post Share on other sites
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